Mailbag 34

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Mailbag 34 was uploaded on CWCipedia in the early hours of 6 January 2010. Chris answered it the next day.

In this mailbag, Chris returned to his occasional tactic of removing letters completely. He didn't seem to realize that he was using a mediawiki website, and that therefore everything he did would be recorded forever in the page history, where anybody could see it. The two letters he deleted were from Asperchu creator Alec Benson Leary (who was quickly reaching Liquid Chris levels of awesome), and a letter from a group of concerned mothers who (rightfully) believed that Sonichu was inappropriate for children.

The remainder of the letters were just Chris being the opinionated hateful moron we all know and love. Perhaps his most outlandish response was to add another qualification for potential sweethearts: she must be willing for the entire internet to watch Chris fucking her. Other highlights included Chris failing at rationalizing his monthly tugboat, claiming that his "special abilities" would take far too long to list, and totally failing to argue that CWCville is not a dictatorship. Apparently, the one thing that makes it not a dictatorship is that the mayoral position is hereditary in nature. Well, that changes everything.

Answered

Chris would find someone okay with being filmed to take his "virgin cherry branch"

From: John Thatcher <unclejohn@aol.com>

Dear Chris,

I'm a big fan and I'm excited that I can finally write to you. I was a little confused about your statement about when you lose your virginity. You say you're for women's rights and supportive of women having a choice. If she says that she doesn't want to be filmed, then you should respect her wishes. Hidden cameras would be an even greater violation of her privacy and her rights as a human being. She could also sue you.

For someone who says that he's for women's rights, you sure don't respect them very much.

Well, I beg your pardon. I would make sure the woman would be okay with that, and I would have it in writing of no such acts would be followed. Otherwise, I would look for someone else who would love to be filmed taking my Virgin Cherry Branch.

Don't get your hopes up, Chris has never thought about anything

From: flambai@hotmail.com

Hey CWC,

It's me again! i was just writing this E-mail to say how much i like the comic, but i feel that it could be improved tenfold if you included Bill the Scientist, the Boulder-Dropping Whale, and Yawning Squirtle in more comics My 5-year-old son loves your Sonichu comics, but he loves Bill the Scientist, the boulder-dropping whale, and Yawning Squirtle the most of all, and he is very depressed that they are but minor characters, and he cries his little heart out most days. Please help me make my son be happy again,

sincerely

Sarah Lutt

PS: Why did you say 'No Comment' to that one e-mail by a fan asking the same question as i did? Isn't that what the rejected Mailbag is for?

I'll think about it.

Wild weekend

From: Chet Wallace <mississippimudboghellnite@aol.com>

Like you, I am SO SICK OF MISLABELING. Instead of people calling me gay people call me a racist. I'm not, though. I don't hate black people, I just hate the things they do. And sure, I have a Confederate flag hanging over my desk and make a few jokes about Obama, but WHO DOESN'T? I don't have anything against black people, I just want them to keep their black people doings behind closed doors and out of my face!

I got so tired of it that I filmed myself having sex with a black woman and sent the video to all my friends, co-workers and relatives. I used a hidden camera and blurred out her face, but everybody I know was pretty much appalled. I don't get it! What's more not-racist than fucking a black chick and sending links to the grainy amateur video you recorded of it to everyone you know at Christmas?

My point is, you just can't please some people. Having sex with a girl on a hidden camera wouldn't convince anyone you're straight, they'd just think you're a pervert.

Chet

Chris deleted the italicized line from his TRUE AND HONEST PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CWCVILLE MAILBAG.

Wow, Dude. You've had yourself a Wild Weekend. Good for you.

Good luck in hell

From: Jeff T. Ford <jtf@mail.com>

Hey Chris,

If you visit this site (http://tinyurl.com/yem8j3t) you'll see that it is prefectly legal to marry one's cousin in Virginia. As CWCville is in Virginia, and therefore falls under Virginian law, it is legal to marry your cousin there too.

You see, state law overrules local council laws so even if you as mayor decreed it was illegal, the state would overrule you.

I for one am happily married to my cousin. She is very pretty and I get regular sex.

Jeff.

Okay, good luck in hell with the Incestings.

Chris's fake degree

From: Miguel Sanchez <hawaiian_robot@hotmail.com>

Hi Chris,

You keep mentioning that you have a 'degree' in Computer Aided Drafting and Design, however, this is only an Associate's Degree, which is only equivalent to half a Bachelor's Degree, as it only takes half as many credit points to earn. When you pass off an Associate's Degree as a Bachelor's, it outrages someone such as myself, who worked very hard to earn his Bachelor's with Honours. Could you please differentiate between the two in the future.

Thanks!

A Degree is a Degree to me, and I am satisfied with my hard work and earned Degree and Certificate.

In which Chris fails economics forever

From: poundoflesh@aol.com

Dear Christian,

As a long time lover of your work I was wondering if you could answer a question my friends often harass me about when it comes to you. They often mock you by saying you are wasting their tax dollars with your "monthly tugboat" otherwise known as a welfare check. My question is why do you think I as a taxpayer should pay for you when you seem to be capable of holding a job? I know its because you're a fellow artist, but I want to give them an answer in your words not mine. Also you brought up Bush's tax-cuts for a reason of your liking him, was your family included in that?

Sincerely,

Ezra Pound

To answer your second question, I do not know for certain. But to clarify the other topic, My spending that money ends up going to others who get such welfare and all as well. So, think of when you ask that question, "Why do you think I as a taxpayer should pay for you when you seem to be capable of holding a job?", I am sharing the wealth with others who are on that tugboat as well. --ChrisChanSonichu 04:44, 8 January 2010 (CET)

Electric inequality Pokémon

From: doyouunderstand2@aol.com

Why do some Sonichus and Rosechus live in houses, while others (like Chloe and Blazebob) live in Pokeballs?

Story-Wise, the two were INTRODUCED that way, because they came all the way from Australia, the country of their creator, who not only gave me permission to use them in my books, but was a close online girlfriend of mine who DIED in the Australia wild Bushfires of Janurary, 2009, aka PandaHalo, Sarah Cassandra McKenzie. Chloe and Blazebob, after the fire and chaos, later obtained Cwcville citizenship, got jobs and found and are sharing a good apartment. Before the apartment, though, they did stay in one of Cwcville's Soup Hotels for about a month. --ChrisChanSonichu 04:44, 8 January 2010 (CET)

And don't you forget it

From: Craig Curly <curlman921@yahoo.com>

On what date exactly did you consciously choose to be heterosexual, and what brought you to this decision?

DUDE, I ALWAYS have been Heterosexual.

Chris needs time to list his special abilities

From: marmitist@gmail.com

I've been reading Sonichu for a few months now, and I wanted to tell you how much I like it. Keep up the good work! Anyway, I just watched Rain Man for the first time. Have you ever seen it? It's really good. It's about an Autistic man who has amazing abilities with counting and all sorts of math. I was wondering if you, as a High-Functioning Autistic Adult had any special or extraordinary abilities like Rain Man did, either with numbers or other things.

If you do, what kind of special abilities do you have? I've read that nearly all Autistics have some kind of amazing talents, and I'd really like to know what yours are.

Take Care,

Kim Peek

I have seen Rain Man. Like him, I do have my own special abilities of my own, yet I'd have to list them to let you know, and that will take a while. But UNLIKE that guy, I have not randomly screamed like that for Decades, and I am more sociable and intelligent than how he was portrayed.

Apparently North Korea's not a dictatorship

From: Brandon Louthan <brandonl1701@yahoo.com>

I'm sorry, but I read in your one mailbag that gay sex is illegal in CWCville and Magi-Chan has the ability to tell when it happens...that seems like an invasion of privacy to me. Sound something like a dictator would do.

I assure you, it is NOT a dictator-type government; as said on the Wikipedia on Dictatorship as a Government Type, and I quote, "A dictatorship is defined as an autocratic form of government in which the government is ruled by an individual, the dictator, without hereditary ascension." I have previously stated that Cwcville was originally founded by my Father, in which made him Mayor of it for some years, who gave it a different name before he named me Mayor later on. Yet is NOT a Monarchy either, because we HOLD elections for the Members of the Cwcville Board and such. --ChrisChanSonichu 04:44, 8 January 2010 (CET)

Rejected Mailbag

In which Chris is somewhat unpleasant

From: Jouko Mies <joukomies@luukku.com>

Hi Chris!

Do you really think that you would be able to raise a child? Don't you think that you should be castrated, so that you wouldn't be able to spread your filthy autistic genes? Also, did you know that high-functioning autistics are 19 times more likely to be child molesters?

Do Not Listen to Stupid Rumors. "F" You.

The 30-year old virgin

From: Gillian Seed <gillianseed@suremail.info>

Hi, Chris.

I noticed that you're very close to turning 30. You'll turn 28 this year. And in only two years, you'll hit the big three-oh.

While, normally I'd be happy for you. I unfortunately have some bad news. In today's society, 30 is what is typically known as the "unfuckable age" (don't get mad at me, I didn't invent the term).

Basically, the older you get, the harder it is to score. And when you're 30, things become extremely grim. Girls don't date guys old enough to be their father, just as you wouldn't date someone 20 years older than you.

Guys always try to lose their virginities before they get to age 30. Those that don't tend to end up miserable. In fact, people who are 30 or older virgins aren't considered normal.

That's why countless movies are made laughing at those in this situation (like "40 Year Old Virgin") and laughing how ridiculous it would be such people could lose their virginity.

Sadly though, real life isn't as comedic. That's about as lightly as I can put it. The good news is, you've still got 2 years.

Do you plan on losing your virginity before then, or will you become "the 30 year old virgin" and witness first hand how people in your situation are treated as the butt of every joke?

I know, it's a bad position to be in. But hang in there, Chris.

Sincerely, Gillian Seed

Go watch "The 40-Year Old Virgin".

Gone Forever

Asperpedia!

From: Alec-chan Asperchu <albasperchu@live.com>

Christian,

Due to the popularity of Asperchu, I have decided to create my own Wikipedia. I suggest you take a look. Hopefully, this will become even more popular than the CWCipedia!

http://tinyurl.com/yeotodh

Sincerely, Alec Benson Leary

Boycott

From: MaryAnneSpier@BSC.com

Dear Christian,

Having recently moved from Stoneybrook Conneticut, I joined the Virginian Family Association of Virginia, a non-profit organisation that supports straight rights and the heterosexual lifestyle. I a writing to inform you that as of 1/1/2010 we have been engaging in a nationwide boycott of Sonichu comics because they explicitly support the wicked homosexual lifestyle.

Please visit our site here: http://sites.google.com/site/boycottsonichu/

Currently over 400,000 Virginians have signed to get Sonichu banned, permanently.

Burn in Hell, homo.

Love, Mary-Anne. xx

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For Truth and Honesty, see the archived CWCipedia page on Mailbag 34