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Mailbag 28

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Mailbag 28 was uploaded by CWCipedia's Sysop the 30 December 2009 and it was answered by Chris the same day.

The most interesting letter in this mailbag consisted wholly of Chris railing against Asperchu. In his response, Chris called Alec Benson Leary's incredible masterpiece a "parody" as though it's a horrible insult. This seems hypocritical considering his constant defending of Sonichu as a parody.

The only other notable response in this mailbag consisted of Chris's amazing homophobia being being mixed with his equally amazing racism. None of his other responses were longer than a single line of text, which makes his astoundingly long response to the trap in the prior mailbag even more interesting.

Answered

Chris the waterboy

From: toponehun@aol.com

Hey, I read somewhere that you were on your high school basketball team. What position did you play? I played guard and my younger brother was a water boy or "manager" as they called it. Yeah, that loser managed our dirty jock straps haha. Do you have any good basketball stories for you fans?

I was Manager of the Varsity Basketball Team.

No comment

From: George King <anchornow53@yahoo.com>

Why exactly did you stop volunteering at the Pokemon League?

And again

From: Scott Peters <awareofmytongue@yahoo.com>

In one video, you say you regularly watch porn. In another video, you quote Matthew 5:27-30. Do you realize that Matthew 5:28 specifically states that pornography is a sin? "But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart." So do you follow the Bible and not watch pornography like a good Christian, or you the bad kind of Christian and views pornography and will be going to Hell for it?

No Comment.

Technically, yes...

From: kaybear@mail.com

You're almost 28. Why do you think you are still a virgin at your age?

Because I still have not ever had sexual intercourse.

Very thorough

From: looneysgovernments@post.com

Why did you like/respect George W. Bush?

He made some good decisions.

Chris thinks of dudes kissing

From: Andrew Newberry <newbunkle@hotmail.co.uk>

Hi Chris, love the comics.

I'm in an interracial relationship, and it hurts when people tell me I shouldn't marry the woman I love. I once heard a racist say that it would be ok to ban interracial marriage because it doesn't discriminate - anyone can get married, as long as its to a person of the same race.

Naturally I disagree with him and his sick, twisted thoughts. I know you would agree with me because you are part Cherokee, isn't that right? So, it puzzles me that you would wish the same thing on other people just because of their natural-born god-given orientation.

Why do you hate America? I always thought you were patriotic, but you don't support equal rights for everyone. :(

One other thing. You've previously mentioned that you push homoerotic thoughts out of your head. Do you realise that straight people don't need to? They don't have those thoughts in the first place. Why do you think you have them?

Thanks

- Newbunkle

I have no disagreements with Interracial Relationships for other people (not myself). I Love America, and I support equal rights for everyone; on the note, I just Do Not Care for Homosexual Males. Because of the Trolls forcing the "Gay" Label onto me in their God Damned Mislabeling; They try to push me their way, and with that Forces random pictures of...UGH! their deeds and such to pop up.

He's also going bald

From: Latrine Watson <latrinewatson@yahoo.com>

Hello Chris, long time fan of Sonichu. And you, you big sexy man. Unfortunately I find myself losing attraction to you and it's terrible. I love a man with a thick full head of hair but your forehead is getting bigger and bigger every day :( Your hairline is waaaay closer to the top of your head than the average 27 year old male's! Whatever you're doing to make your hair fall out please stop! Are you a smoker? All those filthy toxins cling to your hair and destroy your folicles. How is your diet? Do you drink a lot of soda? High fructose corn syrup is very fattening, and while I kind of find your chubby body type adorable, it is also known for stunting hair growth :( Also please stop using Axe. The people at Axe only care about scent. This means they have to skimp on quality elsewhere. Axe uses harsh soaps which destroy skin and hair cells! This is why some companies make unscented and dye-free soaps - you can't have everything. Please Chris, for your female fans, stop losing your hair! Oh yeah, smoking, soft drinks, and harsh soaps can also give you horrible acne. You have pretty bad acne too :( Please Chris, change your diet/smoking habits/cleaning products before you end up looking like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons!

<3 <3 <3 Latrine Watson

I HAVE NEVER SMOKED, nor do I hang out with any smokers. I have plenty of hair to spare.

He probably doesn't know what arsenic is

From: Tubular Monkey <tubularmonkey@gmail.com>

Dear Christian,

If a Sonichu dies, do they perform an autopsy? I'm curious about whether the Sonichus are treated like human beings after death. I know their bodies are different from ours. I guess what I'm asking is, would arsenic show up in the toxicology work after the Sonichu autopsy? Would the arsenic just get metabolized and become untraceable? If the arsenic IS metabolized, how long does that process take? There's just so much about Sonichu physiology that I don't know!

Sorry for all of the questions. I just have one more. What is Sonichu's favorite drink?

Thanks!

Your devoted fan, TM

No Autopsy would be performed; there is NO Arsenic in my Electric-Hedgehogs Whatsoever. He likes sweet tea.

Chris is okay with shemale cock

From "Bailey Jay" <baileyjay@gmail.com>

Oops uh..... I think I might have sent you the wrong link on one of those pics...

I hope I didn't bother you.... I just wanted to show you my best modelling pictures..

xox

It's okay.

Chris is wholly unfazed by the loss of a TRUE and HONEST fan

From: Richard Firth <richard@firthy.com>

Dear Mr Chandler,

I have been a fan of yourself and Sonichu for many years now, but after seeing the recent comic pages where you shot the imposter in the legs and the latest videos on YouTube to Clyde Cash and Jack Thaddeus, I don't think I can support a man with such angry and violent thoughts.
Nor would I want my children to be exposed to that kind of behaviour.

I wish you well in the future, but I can no longer be a fan of Sonichu.

-- Yours,

Mr Richard Firth

I am sorry to hear that.

Hey kids, it's Asperchu!

Masterful satire.
From: Alec-chan Asperchu <albasperchu@live.com>

Chrisitan, I wish to start by saying once again how much I respect you as an Artist and an Inspiration for my Creations, but your recent comment about my ASPERCHU really Grinds My Gears! I am disfortuned that you think my Aspergers is not True and Honest, which is what you suggest by suggesting that I know nothing about the Autism. I do have the Aspergers Papers; from work with my licensed psychotherapist who has years of working with children with developmental disorders (she is no pastoral councilor it is true, but she does the best she can) I have learned much about the Autism Spectrum.

Secondly, you remarked that ASPERCHU is a parody of your Sonichu, and of poor quality at that. Ignoring for the moment the rather rudeness of your statement that it is poor in quality (Some of us cannot afford Crayola Markers and many LittleBigPlanet downloads to use as tools for our creations Christian, some of us only have received enough christmas tugboat to buy Adobe CS4 and a Wacom Tablet to work with), I must let you know ONCE AGAIN that ASPERCHU is most certainly NOT a parodic work. In fact, ASPERCHU is a True and Honest creation from my Sound Mind and Heart with strengths given from my many joy-boys, gal-pals and my dearest sweetheart who all support me. However, I will extend the branch of olive and presume that it is possible you have simply confused it because you are not sure what a True Parody is (unlikely, but possible nonetheless). For the purpose of Extending your knowledge, I have included a new drawing which is a DELIBERATE and INTENTUAL parody, so as to set it apart from my ASPERCHU comics, which are Not parodies.

Please retract your statement, as it was very hurtful and rather petty of you. A great artist such as yourself has so many Fans that you surely must not feel threatened by the creations of an Up and Coming Aspiring artist such as me, who is also amassing a large following. There is room for more than One of us, Christian. Accept that another can enter your realm as a True and Mighty creator without having to lose your own stations.

With Honest Regards,

Alec Benson Leary

I will not disagree with you on that there can be more than one creator or fan artists. I said what I said, because of how I feel about Aspergers supposed being similar to Autism, which although I have accepted that, I still disagree heavily on it being even ASSOCIATED with Autism as a type. Aspergers is NOT a Type Of Autism Whatsoever. Plus, I have NO CARE for you making your Asperchu a blatant homosexual male with such drawings of such dictation, and I accept no relation between it and my works and characters, and with that I stand behind my statement of and labeling of Asperchu as a Parody.

--ChrisChanSonichu 03:56, 31 December 2009 (CET)

Chris should try that to cure his homosexuality

From: manlyman@yahoo.com

Dear Chris, I am a big fan of yours. Today something very strange happened to me, and you are the only one I trust to help me. This morning, when I woke up, I was gay! I don't know what to do. All of the sudden I am no longer STAYING STRAIGHT. I tried to reprogram my brain with hypnosis and bought a Sailor Moon poster, but nothing is helping! What do I do?!

You do NOT just wake up being a homo. But, in your desperate time, I suggest hiring a clean, female prostitute and have sex with her.

Rejected Mailbag

IRL trolling

From: Shane Smith <donfelder1887@gmail.com>

Chris, how come you claim that I don't know you if you don't even know Megan? Tell me everything about her that we have not known about her. I know you - I know how that in 1994, you changed your name because some animatronic bear mispronounced it in 1993. It's in the newspaper. They also say you have the social intellect of a kid. Try telling me the opposite. I just know that you will lie. Come on. Lie to me. Curse to me. Curse me like you did Mike, Mimms, Mary, and Baggett. I happen to know a few of those people - they laugh at you. Why? You failed, Chris. You blew it.

Now, go watch something more important, like Easy Rider.

Chris in denial

From: Seth Sethson <totallyfine2@gmail.com>

"I am Straight, regardless of how much the Trolls may try to defile and slander my image."

That doesn't matter one bit, Chris. What you are is defined by what everyone else thinks of you, and the trolls are currently highly successful in their campaign to prove to the world that you are gay, so at the moment, you are gay to the world.

You can keep saying "I'm not gay, I'm not gay" over and over, but the trolls gain more followers every day.

Also, you lied when you said you haven't consumed your own semen in over a year. A video of you doing so got put online back in April. That is where the trolls have the stills they put up in New York.

In response, I suggest you watch the animated classic "The Bear That Wasn't"

The Bear That Wasn't is a Chuck Jones short from 1967. Chris apparently thinks it serves as a metaphor for his current situation. It can be watched here.

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For Truth and Honesty, see the archived CWCipedia page on Mailbag 28