Jackie E-mails 13
This page covers e-mails exchanged between Chris and Jackie from 2 September to 8 September 2010. Chris makes another pity play, the spectre of Count Graduon at his heels. He states that he was unable to draw what she requested because penises make him queasy. He equates the loss of video games to being homeless. He comes close to implying that Jackie is a troll, but he loves her HONEST and TRULY. Jackie mentions that Chris can return or sell his PS3, but Chris adamantly refuses, as it is his only link to the outside world. He ignores her pleas that he improve himself and her accusations of hypocrisy. He expresses disillusionment about the relationship and wants to see her in person as soon as possible to resolve their problems. If only he could come up with the money...
|September 2, 2010 - 11:28pm
Jackie, I care about you a Lot, I really do. I do not ignore you, and your e-mails are Not difficult to me, although this one was stressful to me. The damn games are NOT the shine of my day; You Are the Shine of my Days. My words are not empty; I mean what I tell you. I feel upset too.
I have read the whole message. Firstly, I will admit I was in error; there were Three Males in that drawing, I mistook the math of equal males versus females. I feel uncomfortable with drawing naked dudes, especially the Penises. I don't understand all of the whys, but my homophobia is one of the reasons. Although, even with that, I feel little excuses on the issue. I do like to draw, it's that between the badmouthing of everyone on the internet on my drawing style, not being recognized in High School for that part of me, and my pursuit of happiness in life with a woman to be my sweetheart, I feel like my ability to draw is bad and less important than the important things in life, like finding true love and compassion. So I feel like my art style is a lost cause, and it makes me feel sad, like an under-appreciated artist.
I did not mean to lie to you; I am unable to foresee every final aspect of the future. I also have a mental block that does not allow me to see or understand any perceived harm in what I may say or do, like I really did not know my comic pages were going to be misinterpreted by the sickos as gay, and learning that later made me feel really pissed off. And I was not really expecting any specific reaction from my recent actions.
Also, my father has shown no respect from me of destroying my own thing regardless of rather or not it was dead already or not. He's actually more pissed off at me for putting up any new video on the internet, period. This comes from past videos I had uploaded that put my family and the house we live in into question and having the police come round to bother us, and the trolls and other people we don't know calling to bother us as well.
I Really can go for Months Without video games, and I am going to prove it to you by devoting my money and my time to you. Granted I have missed the opportunity to start on that with the recent replacement, but it was funded by Store Credit at the Game Store, and my parents Loaned me the remaining half to make the replacement. I will be paying my mom and dad back in the next two months for that.
And on my past trip to Cleveland, Ohio, my mom and dad Called the Police On Me, and even metaphorically put a Bounty on my head. And more recently on the trip to Otakon, they both did not want me to go at all, and they threatened calling the police on me again if I went and sending me to Jail. And they threatened changing the locks to the house and not allowing me back in, leaving me with NO home and necessities. I Really would have put together the funds to even hop a Bus to Tennessee to see you if I could, but I Fear my mother and father sending me to Jail if I even dared venture Outside of State, even IF I had told them about the trip and seeing you. I feel bound and chained by my mom and dad; they both, especially my father, act like wardens who have little trust on me. Financial Situations are not really the restriction that prevents me from traveling, it's like if I travel at all, since the trip to Cleveland, I would not be allowed back into my own home and left homeless and even worse. And with that, that is why my relationships HAVE to be Local, although I would still be able and most willing to go to your place in Virginia to meet you and such.
I apologize for proposing the bet; although I would truly have gone through with it, it was wrong of me to even think of bringing it up at all.
Although a List of the comments and questions is more direct for me to understand, I still am capable of addressing them from within the paragraphs, as I have done so the past paragraphs. And to address the topics listed,
1. I will tell my mother and father that the PS3 was Not Dead at the time of its destruction.
I do care about you, Jackie, and I really want to see you and be with you. But even though I can raise the money quickly to Travel, I can not afford to lose my Home in the process.
If you did not have your own place outside of your parents' house, and they threatened to lock you out and leave you homeless, and you did not have a good record, probably the worst record, and you could not get even a Low-Paying Job Anywhere, would you really risk it all for someone you have met over the internet first, known for months, but have never met in person, with the risk of Point "B" not being there, because that's what happened to me with "Julie" in Cleveland? Would you NOT be cautious too and make positive for yourself that Point "B", and the person you having been talking to was there as well, or make it a Point to meet in the middle Locally and see the Person, followed by their Home, being their "Point A" and your "Point B"?
It is a LOT to deal with.
I wait for your response. I'll TTYL.
Stay Safe and Sweet,
|September 3, 2010 - 12:31am
The reason I say your words are empty is because your actions contradict them. That's what I mean. There is a big difference between what you say and what you do. Talking is cheap, it's easy for you. Talking requires no effort. It costs no effort for you to say that you're giving up video games, and you know it makes me happy to see it, so that's why you said it. You say you care about me because it costs nothing to say. But actually doing it, doing things to show me you care, is what takes effort, and that's where you get stuck.
Being able to foresee aspects of the future is irrelevant, because it's your choice. You have the choice to play video games or not. If a tornado destroys your house, that's something you can't foresee. If a carjacker steals your car, that is something you can't foresee. But you stated you would not play video games for months. That is all on you. There's no outside element that can force you to play video games. The two things are not the same. I think the only thing you didn't bother to consider was that it might be just a little difficult to adjust to new behavior.
Chris, I took what you said as a promise, and you should have known that. If you can take the final slide of your prom's slideshow as a promise that a reunion was owed to you, then I can take your word that you can "go for months" without your PS3 as a promise. Fair is fair. And even if that weren't true, you would have no reason to say it unless you meant it as a promise. You promised me, and then you broke your promise. And why do you tell me how that it was funded by gamestop credit and your parents? I already told you how I feel about you tricking your parents out of their money. The point isn't how you paid for it, the point is that you just couldn't be strong enough to do anything until you got your PS3 back.
I look forward to hearing what your parents think about your coming clean. I don't think they will be very happy to hear that you lied about what you did just to get their money. But here's what I want you to do, something that will not only make them happy, but make me happy:
I want you to take your new PS3 back to Gamestop and return it. You have 7 days to make a return there, so you are definitely within the timeframe to return it. Go return the PS3 and get your money back, and then give all that money to your parents, since you owe it to them anyway. If Gamestop absolutely won't give you cash but instead only gives you store credit, then take the gift card and sell it for cash. I'm sure someone will give you money for it. Or you know what? You could sell it on ebay. That might actually make you more money. Then you can still give the cash to your parents. And then I want you to scan the receipt you get for returning it and show it to me. This is for the best, Chris. Your parents will be incredibly impressed with your decision to give up your addiction, as well as the sense of responsibility you show by giving them the money you owe them.
We've been over the idea of you taking a trip. You could take a greyhound bus instead of your parents' car. There is no way for them to put you in jail because you wouldn't be committing an actual crime. Either you're an adult or you aren't. And you could get a decent job if you actually tried. How many jobs have you actually applied to in the last week? The last month? The last year? Wal-Mart is one. Have you even tried any others? And from what you've told me about how forgiving your parents are, how willing they are to absorb your debts and cover you when you can't take responsibility for your own actions, I seriously doubt they would kick you out just because you wanted to go visit someone, especially if you manned up and told them beforehand. You are just repeating the same protests you did before without addressing how I responded to them. But for the moment, taking a trip is a dead issue anyway.
Chris, I haven't been able to be there all summer, but that's not an excuse for not attempting to treat your own addiction. Whether I'm there or not doesn't matter. The problem is all with you. Ultimately fixing your problems is up to YOU. I mean, like I said, I can't be there constantly. I can't hold your hand every hour or every day. Do you intend to just sit in your room, wallowing in your own filth until I waltz through the door and wisk you away from all your problems with a magical wave of my hand? That's not how this works, Chris. Guys who show no intent to help themselves and expect a girl to fix everything for them are not attractive. The same is true when it is a girl who doesn't try to help herself and wants a guy to fix all her problems for her. All I ever asked was for you to put down the video games. It is a perfectly reasonable request, but while you told me you could do it over and over, you never showed any willingness to stick to it. When I couldn't be there, you could have gone to your parents to lean on. Get them to support you. Ask them to help you seek treatment, go to addiction counseling. But you still never did.
Well, I want this to work, Chris. So for now I think we should just take it slowly. Right now, my top concern is that you go to Gamestop and return the PS3. I bet your financial situation will improve pretty quickly in the next couple months once you aren't dropping money left and right on PSN downloads. I look forward to seeing the receipt of your return. Or if you decide to sell it on ebay instead, I want you to send me the link to your ebay account and the transaction so I can keep an eye on it and see when it sells.
P.S. You're actually violating two Commandments by lying to your parents - you are Bearing False Witness by lying, and you are failing to Honor your Mother and Father. I'm pretty sure God is even madder about you lying to them than he would be about lying to me.
|September 3, 2010 - 1:11pm
Firstly, I am sorry, but I am not going to return the PS3. However, I am going to Not spend money on the PSN Frivolously, so my finances will be getting better. I currently have about $100 in the bank after paying my family for this month. It will stay well above 3/4 of that by the day you and I meet, so I can and will be able to show you a good time.
Please believe me when I tell you that you are more important to me than video games, and I will prove that by setting my money towards you and our future. I really want our relationship to work too.
So, you're back in town now. How about we make our date for tomorrow the 4th, meet at the previously discussed Starbucks at 1:00 PM, and we will share a good day together.
Let me prove myself to you, Sweetheart.
|September 3, 2010 - 3:21pm
Would you please explain to me how I am more important than your video games when replacing your precious PS3 is all you could think about? Also, please explain why being without a PS3 is so completely non-negotiable to you?
I'm sorry you seem to feel this way, Chris. But until you get rid of that thing, I have no reason to believe you'll even try to cut down on video games. And until you get rid of that thing, I don't think I'll be meeting you for a date. I am the only person who has given this relationship any kind of effort while all you do is sit there and wait for me to come to you. I'm going back to school this week anyway; at least school is what it says and doesn't back out on its word, so I think I'll spend my time there.
If you would like to see me, you will reconsider getting rid of it, or showing me some kind of sign that your word is worth something. That means more than words. Otherwise, my belief that your video games matter more than me or any girl will be proven correct.
But don't take this the wrong way, I still want to keep talking with you. Are you still working on that shadow-interview video? Let me know how that turns out.
Talk to you soon,
|September 4, 2010 - 12:42am
Listen, Jacklyn, People are MORE Important to me than Video Games, regardless of me having the consoles in my possession or not.
To answer your big question, I need the PS3, because A) Blu-Ray Player, and it upgrades DVDs to High-Definition view for HD-TVs. B) Music Player; it plays CDs AND MP3s for background music, like a mini-stereo system. C) Photos; it stores my Digital Photographs, my Comic Pages and more images for display in Slideshow or individual views. D) Internet; it Browses the Internet Wirelessly, it even can play videos from most websites including YouTube, so I don't have to leave my room to surf the web. E) It helps a College's Research; together with this state college (its name escapes me), it uses its Folding @ Home Program to help the College(s) in their Protein Folding Research and Development; Look it up, Folding at Home. F) Social Output, between Playstation Home And Video-Chats, it's like going into a text-only chat room, but you actually Walk Up to people's Avatars and Converse with text, spoken words and hand gestures. Playstation 3 does a LOT more than just Games.
But aside from all of that, it is Real Life that is more important to me than ANY Video Game, Period. And Having a Girlfriend is THAT Important to me as well.
But from what I read from your last e-mail, I see what you're saying to me is "Chris, you are NOT Boyfriend Material; I am NOT going to Date you, and I would never go out with you; I'm not going to give you a chance to Prove Yourself to me In Person, because you'd likely mess up and prove me right; I'm putting you in the Friend Zone, NEVER to let you be my ANYTHING Ever Again." And all that makes me feel really sad; I have been hurting a lot, and being put into the "Friend Zone" is like "Game Over" to me.
|September 4, 2010 - 3:04pm
First of all, I am NOT putting you in any "friend zone". If anything, you have kind of friend-zoned me by saying you won't take a chance on not having a PS3 for a while. As for not giving you a chance in person, well, the fact is, I'm kind of afraid of putting myself out there like that, considering your track record of going back on your word. I wanted you to get rid of the new PS3 because I wanted you to show me some sign that I don't have to be afraid, that I can actually trust you. You talk about being me putting you in the friend zone, but the honest truth is that you have resisted every chance I have given you to impress me. If the friend zone existed, then I'm the one in it, not you.
Every reason you list for why you "need" a PS3 is something you could easily use a computer for - actually, more easily, in a lot of cases. I looked up that Folding @ Home thing, it's a project being run out of Stanford University. For one thing, it doesn't require the Playstation 3 to participate; it was originally designed for computers. And two, if you actually really cared about the medical research that it's designed for, I would think you could remember the name of the school, or take 5 seconds to look it up like I did. I have friends who have PS3's, I've seen the web browser the thing uses, and honestly it sucks ass. It's a token, a novelty. You should have just gotten a cheap laptop or something for surfing the internet.
Remember when I started trying to get you to sell your video games so you could have more money, pay off your debts, and so forth? You dragged your feet and were unwilling to do it until I asked you many, many times. But when the PS3 needed you to do it, you dropped everything and rushed to the task. So of the two girls in your life - me and your PS3 - one girl can't seem to get a straight answer from you half the time and gets empty promises the other half, while the other girl gets your undivided attention as soon as she needs you.
To counter your reasons for "needing" a PS3, here are some reasons for why it would be good to get rid of it:
A) If I get rid of the PS3, Jackie will see that I can actually keep the promises I make her, and will be willing to go on a date with me.
So to sum it up Chris, I feel like I am the one being friend-zoned. And if that really is how you want our relationship to be, then I wish you would just admit it. Because it seems kind of cowardly to blame ME for being the one doing the friend-zoning when you are just saying "sorry Jackie, but the PS3 is my number one girl, not you".
I await your reply.
|September 4, 2010 - 4:41pm
You know Chris, I just wanted to reiterate, don't assume that I've friend-zoned you. One really annoying tendency you have is that you just keep assuming things. You repeatedly assumed I'll meet you at a certain place and time without asking, and now you're just assuming that I'm friend-zoning you when you are the one doing it to me. I have a feeling you're just doing this because you want to make me look like the bad guy and not have to do any work at the same time.
Prove me wrong, Chris. Otherwise I'LL be hurting deeply. If you don't care about me, then the least you can do is not use twisted truths and phrases to vilify me.
|September 5, 2010 - 5:36pm
Don't mislabel my console as a Human Being Equivalent, when it is clearly NOT Human at all. And I do not have Anything like what you're describing with it all. Real People are More important to me than any machine or video game. I feel like it is obvious that you are misunderstanding me. I thought you were cool with me and my Video Game Hobby when you said EXACTLY THAT. But I guess I was wrong.
You think I spend all day playing video games? I do not; I actually go OUT and walk about and enjoy the sunshine and life. The only reason it is hard for me to socialize is because of my Social Anxiety that is my Fucking Autism. I can Socialize when I set my mind to it and I have People Helping Me Socialize, Including people who are Caring and Kind enough to Approach Me First and Greet Me.
They say "More Good Relationships Start from meeting over the Internet"; that ONLY works when the Couple ACTUALLY MEET EACH OTHER IN REAL LIFE PERSON. Otherwise, I totally disagree with that notion 100%. Both people are GLUED in front of their Computers, HEXBoxes, etc talking to these people they have NOT MET in Person At All. Including ALL of the Trolls that have been pestering me including Clyde and Tito. So I'm not alone when it comes to being in front of a Digital Monitor for an extended period of time, but at least I can talk to people when I do so. AND I get out every day for sunshine, exercise, and HOPEFULLY meet new people by Their Greeting. Sadly THAT notion is nearly extinct, because everyone is glued to their own self-absorbed, or otherwise, chores, duties, etc. soo much that they don't even give any person outside of themselves a passing glance or whatever.
I feel there is too much tension and distrust between you and me. As much as I want to believe there is something between us to make this relationship work, I have to look at the details realistically.
And to borrow the phrase and turn it appropriately, Maybe we should deglue ourselves from our Video Gaming Internet and Meet/Date other people In Person.
Until when we talk again or meet. Stay Safe, Jacklyn.
|September 5, 2010 - 6:13pm
Okay, first of all, let me preface my email by saying that I don't want to sound angry, or try to pick an argument. Because some of my words might look a little stinging, but I want you to understand that I'm just trying to have a rational, mature discussion. I feel it's important to say that because you sound like you are getting exasperated and I don't want that.
Now, I said that you treat it like one because when you have a chance between seeing me and replacing your PS3, the PS3 is what you drop everything to go for. And as I said, I thought you were cool with going without video games for months when YOU said EXACTLY THAT. But I guess you lied. Sure, I called it a girl as a metaphor, but YOU'RE the one who HUMPED it in a video just to protect your online account. I've seen those videos, remember? The one where that 13-year-old got you to do that? How is it NOT a like a girl when you're willing to FUCK it?
Tell me where and when you go out. When do you "set your mind" to meeting people? You say you can do it, but when do you do it? Give me times and dates of the last several times you've done so. I have social anxiety too, you know. I have shyness problems with people. Did you ever consider that? Or do you think your autism means you are the only person in the world who has difficulty talking to new people? I hate to break it to you bluntly, but your shyness is not at all special or rare. A LOT of people are shy around others they don't know. I really don't get why
And what do you mean you hope to meet other people by "THEIR" greeting? You talk about other peoples' lives and commitments like they are trivial compared to you, that if you walk by a person they should drop what they're doing and come up to YOU. When have YOU gone up to THEM and tried to start a conversation? Why does everyone have to go out of their way to do everything for you? You want people to take charge of the conversation with you. You wanted me to do all the work on that troll forum for you. You want me to go out of my way to come see you even though I'm a lot busier than you, but you won't consider coming to see me. Again Chris, do you think you are the only person in the world who is shy?? What if other people see you walking by and think to themselves, "hey, that rude guy is ignoring me and focusing on himself and his own self-absorbed duties and chores". Tell me why it always has to be someone else that does the work for you. Why can't you stop thinking about YOUR self-absorption (like using your autism as an excuse) and just take charge yourself?
And you say people are "glued in front of their computers, hexboxes, etc." Why didn't you include Playstation 3 in that list, hmm? Do you think all Xbox players are obsessed losers but all PS3 players are perfectly fine? What is this ridiculous loyalty you have to a fucking corporation? You complain about how the Xbox has a monthly payment and you have to pay extra to play DVDs, but how many thousands of dollars have you dumped into the PS3? Money is obviously not an object for you when the PS3 is involved. God, I just don't get this irrational hatred you have of Microsoft! It's a fucking computer toy! And for that matter, how are YOU not "GLUED" to your precious PS3?? You were going through withdrawals when you destroyed the first one and dropped everything else in your life just to replace it!! You have no right to complain about other people being addicted to the internet or computers or whatever.
Well, now that I've gotten that off my chest... so what now, are you just going to stop talking to me? Is that what you are going to do, just pick up and run away when there's a disagreement? You say we should go our separate ways and meet people in real life, but you just wrote a whole email about how you think it's the job of other people to go out of their way and do all the effort to make YOU feel okay. And how well has that approach worked for you, Chris? How many new people have you formed relationships with in the past year? How many people do you talk to besides me?
You know what, Chris, so what if we have to cool the romance for a little while? Maybe that's a good idea, but why can't you keep TALKING to me? Why do you have to just up and ditch this relationship because it gets a little difficult to manage? I've told you time and again that EVERY relationship has difficult times. I'm trying to help you not be so APATHETIC toward having relationships with people. Or are you saying I am really worth nothing to you now?
Just keep writing me Chris. I think it would be really good for you if you would just keep talking to me. Because retreating from talking to people isn't going to be good for you.
|September 7, 2010 - 3:48pm
So, what, you've just decided to never speak to me again? Wow, I guess your PS3 really is more important than talking to a real woman? Or is it just because I basically told you I won't be fucking you any time soon, therefore I'm worthless now?
|September 7, 2010 - 10:14pm
Firstly, running away from a disagreement is not the answer, and I did not really mean it when I said that we should see other people. I've been hurting as well the past few days since I last e-mailed you. BTW, I noticed you e-mailed earlier today, but an error came up on my end, and it was deleted, so I was unable to read it.
But I needed to space myself to think about the details for myself and come up with a reasonable solution to the disagreements and such. I felt I was unable to resolve the disagreement quickly enough, and then I felt confused, leading me to say what I said in error.
Jacklyn Romy, there is No One Else, and realistically there will never be anyone else who is as pretty as you who has the patience of a saint, who is willing to put up with most of my personal quirks, impulses and whatnot. And there are things I feel I am unable to immediately change.
My mind goes blank at certain times, of which I am uncertain when, but I am certain it is when A) I am listening to other people converse with each other in front of me. B) When people raise their voices loudly to me (or to someone else and I happen to be there during the event). To put this another way, my mind gets as blank and confused as the dude Steve Carrel played in "The 40 Year Old Virgin". I feel my lack of self-confidence in real-life situations is a contribution to that mental blankness.
Anyway, as for the recent disagreement, I would like to offer a compromise. Without the loan, I made $130 in a few days. I am willing to make the $130 again, in Cash, and come to see you at my own expense. This way, I feel I can earn a bit of self-respect for making money for my Sweetheart over material replacements. And I understand your feelings of the material replacement... I'm catching myself right here, with a potential self-set-up towards more trouble, so I'm stopping myself there.
I Love and Care about you more than anything, because you are the best woman who has come into my life, and I do not want to ever lose you over a petty disagreement other couples can have as well.
Please let me redeem myself for you, Jackie.
This does not mean the selling of my PS3; I felt I should inform you of that, but I have other reasonable ways to get the $130 as quickly.
|September 8, 2010 - 4:19pm
I was worried that you weren't going to write me again, it seemed like you were just kind of losing interest. I'm glad you wrote me back, though. That email I sent you was just a check-in to see if you were still checking your email.
It's good that you were able to raise that $130, but I'm just curious why you couldn't wait to get your new PS3 a few more days if you were able to raise it this quickly. You still got your parents to loan you the money even though you already owe them so much, and even though you didn't need it.
And yes, you know how I feel about the PS3, and that isn't going to change. I think you are addicted to that thing, and I think you need to bring yourself to get rid of it if you are going to move forward in life. I know it's difficult to make changes, but I don't get why you are so unwilling to even consider making this change to your life. And like I said, I get that you're shy, a lot of people are. But you stated that you expect people to drop what they're doing and come up to you to start conversations, but you aren't willing to try doing so yourself. You claim that other people are too obsessed, "glued" as you say, to their computers and "hexboxes" (again, I don't get what reason you think you have to hate the Xbox, it's just another console the same as your PS3). But you conveniently left PS3s out of that list, as if no one could ever spend too much time on a PS3.
Why do you think it's possible to be addicted to an Xbox, but not a PS3? How can you complain about other people being too addicted to their video games? I mean, you destroyed your PS3, but then you dropped everything else just so you could replace it, so you could get your fix. When you complained about people being too obsessed with technology, you were describing yourself.
Hmm... Well, anyway, it might be nice to see you. But are you really sure you want to? You seemed less than enthused about the idea of meeting me in your last email. I'm not so sure I'm convinced. How much do you want to be with me, Chris? How much do you really want to be with me?
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