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Sweetheart

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A flock of potential sweethearts.
 
 
Kacey: Chris, how many times have you been in quote-unquote "love"?
Chris: I do not know, I do not- I have not kept count.

 

 

—from Kacey Call 9

A Sweetheart (sometimes heartsweet) is Christian's flavor-of-the-month.

Definition

Chris's goal is to build a Sweetheart from the Ground-Up, lose his dreaded virginity (which he ultimately accomplished without a sweetheart), and spawn his God-chosen daughter, Crystal Weston Chandler (named after "the illustrious metal" and a name similar to his own). Unfortunately for him, the plan hasn't progressed beyond a handful of troll-engineered dates, and a trip to a hooker (two in fact). Thus the sweetheart label finds itself frivolously applied, indicating a status that lies somewhere between "e-girlfriend" and "stalking victim." Contrast this with Christian's Gal-Pals; that is, all of those girls who are still potential sweethearts by virtue of the fact that they are known to Christian and don't appear to hate him.

Qualifications

See Also: Sonichu's News Dash and Attraction Sign
It's the one on the left.

In the early years of his Love Quest, Christian spelled out his qualifications on his Attraction Sign, in a personal ad that ran for several issues in the News Dash, and on various other items including a cover for his Nintendo DS. Subsequent experiences would show that many of these TRUE and HONEST criteria could be bent a little, as expedient.

  • 18 - [Chris's age then] Years Old
  • Boyfriend-Free
  • Blonde or Brunette
  • White
  • Pretty
  • Average or Slender Body Type
  • 5' or Taller
  • No Smoking or Drinking
  • Lives in Charlottesville or Ruckersville Area
  • Has Own Car
  • Average to High Income
  • Happy, Positive, Caring

In other exchanges, Christian established a few more rules:

  • No Children from Previous Relationships[1]
  • No Autism (High-Functioning or Otherwise)[2]

Will Chris ever have a Sweetheart?

Helloooooo, ladies.

Despite an old Trinidadian saying that goes "Every bread has its cheese" (meaning that there's a special someone waiting for everybody, no matter how badly off they are), many who have dealt with Chris would be quick to rebut the idea.

However, in case anybody reading this article is curious as to why not, there are quite a few reasons:

1) Chris refuses to grow up. He is a grown man in his thirties who plays with children's toys and video games all day, and still lives with his mother. Adult responsibilities such as gainful employment are completely foreign concepts to Chris, and any money he does receive is promptly wasted on stupid shit he doesn't need. As of 2017, this habit has been coming back to bite him in the ass harder than ever as the Chandler finances sinks into an all-time low. Refusing to take responsibility, he has resorted to e-begging a very large number of times like a child to make up for his failure to put the simplest of money aside for food, bills, and medicine. On top of that, he has implied that if he does get married, all he'll do is stay home while his wife goes to work. He doesn't even plan on looking after the kids for her; he'd dump this responsibility on his old, ailing mother. This lack of maturity and inability to stand on his own two feet would be an instant turn-off to any woman.

2) Chris has issues that would damage a relationship. Autistic antics aside, Chris does a lot of things that upset women. For starters, he seems to have no sense of personal space, and several women have found themselves creeped out by his habit of inappropriately touching them. On his date with Catherine, he made a point of bragging about learning from his mistakes with Megan shortly before he molested Catherine by hugging her and burying his face in her breasts, after specifically being told not to. Needless to say, had this been a real date, Catherine and "cousin Al" would've beaten him up or called the cops at this point. He also lies a lot, and when he doesn't lie, he makes poor excuses for his shortcomings, both of which can damage a girl's trust in him. His lack of genuine sympathy towards people has led to a lot of complaints about him apologizing without meaning it. On top of that, he seems to be of the idea that women in a relationship with him will tolerate waiting on him hand and foot while he plays video games all day, and bear his children, and enable his deranged theories about conspiracies and trolls.

3) Chris is not self-sufficient. As mentioned before, Chris doesn't have a job and has no plans to get one, opting instead to live with his mother. His welfare after room and board deductions is barely over the $200 mark, which he wastes on toys and video games instead of saving for something really important. He also has a habit of landing himself into debt with his purchases, and isn't even aware of all of the necessary bills one needs to pay to keep a house running. He has also indicated that if he becomes a family man, he will be leeching off his wife instead of looking for work on his own (of course, there would be no problem with him being a "house husband" if he actually knew how to maintain a household - which he doesn't). It'll become crystal clear to any woman who learns this about Chris that he is definitely not marriage material, as he has at no point in his life been able to support himself, much less a family.

4) Chris has issues with his mother. Above and beyond Chris's problems with self-sufficiency is the person he is dependent on. Not to put too fine of a point on it, but Barb isn't the easiest of people to live with. Aside from her own personality problems, she has issues with hoarding, she has many of the same issues with authority figures that Chris does, and shows only slightly more of an ability to manage her money. Many people around Chris's age have difficulty dealing with their parents, but Chris has (aside from his devotion to being a Tomgirl) been shown to be neither willing nor able to stand up to her. As it stands, Barb is another obstacle on his Love Quest and if Chris was willing to move out from under her shadow his chances of landing a sweetheart would substantially improve.

5) Chris's hygiene. Chris does not shower regularly, believing that all you need to be hygienic are a few sprays of Axe. He also lives in a filthy house with garbage everywhere, and routinely shits himself. One woman has described him as smelling like 'rotten watermelons'.

6) Chris is physically unattractive. Chris is not inherently ugly, but his lifestyle and fashion choices have rendered his appearance deeply repulsive. Even before he started dressing like a Tomgirl (already a deterrent in itself for a certain reason), Chris always had very questionable tastes in fashion, and would often have an unkempt appearance, as shown in the picture above. In fact, when first spotted from a distance by Catherine, she believed she was looking at an ugly old woman. The fact that he doesn't take good care of himself also hurts his chances of attracting the opposite sex, and has resulted in him becoming clinically obese and nearly bald. If Chris dressed somewhat fashionably, bothered grooming himself properly and worked out, his chances with the ladies would improve a bit. In fact, during Chris's stint as a male escort, his appearance was comparatively rather presentable and he appeared well-groomed.

7) Chris has no idea how to behave around women. Chris has many childish mannerisms and social hindrances that are repellent to women (and men alike). In the infamous video for Ivy, these things are in abundance. Chris thinks that when you talk to a woman you like, you babble and coo like you're addressing a toddler. Also, he thinks that women in this day and age would like watching Gilligan's Island, an ancient show from his elderly parents' days. One of the first things new people also notice about Chris' room is that he's surrounded by toys and video games, which pretty much scream "manchild", and Chris has been known to post pictures and videos addressed to potential dates in this room.[3] His recent Tomgirl antics haven't helped either - he's now a manchild that dresses like a woman, which doesn't even make him seem heterosexual anymore (sure enough, this happened when one of his Tomgirl pictures was featured on MTV's Failosophy, where the only person who would date him was the gay guy).

8) Chris is ignorant and averse to change. A feature of autism is hostility to and even fear of change, and Chris is no exception. Chris often believes that, above all else, his way is right, and anybody who tries to tell him otherwise is a dirty troll, especially if it interferes with his immediate interests. This kind of thinking can severely damage a relationship where a well-meaning girl is trying to steer him in the right direction, as many trolls posing as women have tried to do.

9) Chris is an intolerant bigot. He still hates gay men. He has shown insensitivity (if not outright enmity) towards people of different races. Woe be onto you if you're male, too. Needless to say, the only women who'd approve of this stance would have to be outright racists who don't have any male friends themselves, and then you'd have to consider the fact that they must also put up with financially supporting a couch potato who plans to let her do everything for him and shits himself, which would put the grand total of women who'd be interested in Chris to a big, fat ZERO. For an example of this and how women would not tolerate such an attitude, consider this homophobic post he made (and the replies he got as a result) on Facebook (to truly hammer the point home, Kim, a long-time friend of Chris's, chastised him for his bigotry).

10) Chris has problems with authority. Despite the cliché that "all girls love bad boys", a sensible woman is going to be put off by someone who is in constant trouble with the law. Consider that Chris has on two separate occasions come very close to being sent to jail for several months; this is on top of his other lesser brushes with authority figures. And it's not even as though Chris's attitude stems from him fighting for an important cause - Chris is willing to risk imprisonment for something as petty as the color of a character's arms. Even if Chris does find his elusive sweetheart, few will be able to put up with the constant stream of bans fines, and jailtime brought about by Chris's poor self-control.

11) Chris is incompetent. Chris has claimed, numerous times, to be proficient in several of the arts, but in reality is incompetent in pretty much every sphere imaginable. He compares cleaning his house to fighting in a war, and even then, his idea of "cleaning the house" leaves a lot to be desired. One could even argue that it's because of this and his lack of common sense that the afforementioned house eventually burned to the ground when he thought it would be a good idea to brew coffee with an extension lead in his bathroom. He has been employed for maybe a few months in his whole life, then was fired, as he proved too egotistical and stubborn to keep even a minimum wage job at a fast food place, and he simply hasn't bothered since. He is completely inept when it comes to managing money, meaning any relationship with him will be a financial nightmare. He gets himself into trouble way more times than he should, such as his attempts to return to The GAMe PLACe, where basic common sense should have told him to stay away like he'd been told. So, long story short, ladies, If you were looking for somebody to be the "man of the house", would Chris even remotely fit the bill?

12) Chris's past will always return to haunt him. Thanks to the combined forces of the Internet, weens, and even Chris himself, there are literally volumes of unsavory information about Chris out in the open for all to see, almost all of which is documented right here. Chris knows this all too well, which is why he strongly discourages anybody from doing even a simple Google Search about him. This was, in fact, one of the key reasons why he didn't even make it to first base with The Wallflower - a ween mailed her a link to the CWCki. But even if we were to put aside anything to do with the internet, there are still many, many embarassing and undesirable things about Chris that will, in one way or the other, surface that would damage, if not outright destroy a budding relationship - to which this very list can attest.

13) Chris doesn't try. Throughout his whole life, Chris has not had even one real girlfriend. The reason for this is simple: he won't initiate. Chris is well known to have a fear of talking to women, even resorting to a book to try and get over his anxiety. While not as true today, men are supposed to play the role as the "go-getter", and try to woo over "the fair lady". How does the scenario play out in this autistic's mind? Stand around with an attraction sign with ridiculous requirements. Back in the day, even if a girl did express interest, Chris would've been too shy to even talk back to her. He's a little more confident today, but it's hardly done wonders for his chances of scoring - instead he'll turn her off with a cheesy, ham-fisted attempt at a pickup line that just makes him look incredibly creepy and out-of-touch. If there was such a girl who could and would overcome these barriers, the odds that she would meet his standards (just in appearance) are about 1 in 100. And if that still isn't enough, Chris would never stick to his sweetheart. In his entire life, he has barely had any friends, so what makes anyone in the whole world think he is capable of having a girlfriend? If he is, then his habit of holding back on anything that requires effort and no immediate reward (like moving out, getting a job, maintaining a social life, etc.) will inevitably keep Chris from ever catching that one fish out there.

This is what Chris's break-ups are like.

Conclusion

Chris has myriad problems, and no person - male, female or other - is likely to find him attractive. Chris isn't a lost cause though - a major lifestyle overhaul and some serious self-betterment could hypothetically entice a sweetheart, but these things have a mouse's chance in a tampon factory of happening. As it stands, Chris simply will not attract a sweetheart.

References

  1. Facebook messages
  2. Chris chan (CWCipedia)
  3. File:0782-CWCSpread.JPG

See also

Sweethearts and gal-pals

Chris himself: ChloeNight Star


Sweethearts: Blanca WeissPandaHaloJulie MilvanaIvy O'NeilKacey DevoriaJacklyn RomyCatherine Sorrentino

Minor sweethearts: Lori LopezHannaSarah JacksonEmilyVanessa HudgensFaeryn

Sweethearts-to-be: Megan SchroederThe Wallflower (in Chris's words) ♥ DoopieDoOver

Present sweethearts: Jessica Quinn

Future sweethearts: Lovely Weather


Gal-pals: Sarah Nicole HammerLaura DorazioKellie AndesTiffany GowenAnna McLerranKim WilsonClare Porter


Other acquaintances: Female fanbaseMLP voice actressesPokémon club friendsSam and EllenVirginia Jeanine Sanford


Inanimate objects: Officer NastyKimmiNaruPS3


See also: List of Chris's sweetheartsLove QuestMia Hamm


CWCipedia entry on "Gal-Pals and Past Sweethearts"