Sweetheart

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A flock of potential sweethearts.
Kacey: Chris, how many times have you been in quote-unquote "love"?
Chris: I do not know, I do not- I have not kept count.
from Kacey Call 9

A Sweetheart (sometimes heartsweet) is Chris's flavor-of-the-month.

Definition

Chris's goal is to build a Sweetheart from the Ground-Up, lose his dreaded virginity (which he ultimately accomplished without a sweetheart), and spawn his God-chosen daughter, Crystal Weston Chandler (named after "the illustrious metal" and a name similar to his own). Unfortunately for him, the plan hasn't progressed beyond a handful of troll-engineered dates, and a trip to a hooker (two in fact). Thus the sweetheart label finds itself frivolously applied, indicating a status that lies somewhere between "e-girlfriend" and "stalking victim." Contrast this with Chris's Gal-Pals; that is, all of those girls who are still potential sweethearts because they are known to Chris and don't appear to hate him.

Chris's ideal vision for a sweetheart is more or less one that allowed him to continue living as a "self-employed" stay-at-home husband/father/son, since he didn't make a significant effort to support a prospective family at any point during his Love Quest aside from briefly applying for a minimum-wage job for Kacey. Based on his frustration at the idea of doing any work whatsoever, it's likely that he wanted someone to effectively mother him rather than an equal partner, who he could also have sex with and impregnate with a kid or two. Chris also seemed to be under the impression that they'd live with his parents and their hoard, who he'd presumably leave his sweetheart-to-be to raise his kids with.

Qualifications

See Also: Sonichu's News Dash and Attraction Sign
It's the one on the left.

In the early years of his Love Quest, Chris spelled out his qualifications on his Attraction Sign, in a personal ad that ran for several issues in the News Dash, and on various other items including a cover for his Nintendo DS. Subsequent experiences would show that many of these TRUE and HONEST criteria could be bent a little, as expedient.

  • 18 - [Chris's age then] Years Old
  • Boyfriend-Free
  • Blonde or Brunette
  • White
  • Pretty
  • Average or Slender Body Type
  • 5' or Taller
  • No Smoking or Drinking
  • Lives in Charlottesville or Ruckersville Area
  • Has Own Car
  • Average to High Income
  • Happy, Positive, Caring

In other exchanges, Chris established a few more rules:

  • No Children from Previous Relationships[1]
  • No Autism (High-Functioning or Otherwise)[2]

Will Chris ever have a Sweetheart?

Helloooooo, ladies.

Despite an old Trinidadian saying that goes "Every bread has its cheese" (meaning that a special someone is waiting for everybody, no matter how badly off they are), many who have dealt with Chris would be quick to rebut the idea. (However, an argument could be made that Jacob Sockness qualifies.)

However, in case anybody reading this article is curious as to why not, there are quite a few reasons:

1) Chris refuses to grow up. He is a nearly 40 year old man who plays with children's toys and video games all day and still lives with his mother. Adult responsibilities such as gainful employment and living on your own are completely foreign concepts to Chris, and any money he does receive is promptly wasted on stupid shit he doesn't need. As of 2019, this habit has been coming back to bite him in the ass harder than ever as the Chandler finances sink into an all-time low. Refusing to take responsibility, he has resorted to e-begging a very large number of times like a child to make up for his failure to put the simplest of money aside for food, bills and medicine. On top of that, he has implied that if he does get married, all he'll do is stay home while his wife goes to work. He doesn't even plan on looking after the kids for her; he'd dump this responsibility on his old, ailing mother. This lack of maturity and inability to stand on his own two feet would be an instant turn-off to any woman.

2) Chris has issues that would damage a relationship. Autistic antics aside, Chris does a lot of things that upset women. For starters, he seems to have no sense of personal space, and several women have found themselves creeped out by his habit of inappropriately touching them. On his date with Catherine, he made a point of bragging about learning from his mistakes with Megan shortly before he molested Catherine by hugging her and burying his face in her breasts, after specifically being told not to. Needless to say, had this been a real date, Catherine and "cousin Al" would've beaten him up or called the cops at this point. He also lies a lot, and when he doesn't lie, he makes poor excuses for his shortcomings, both of which can damage a girl's trust in him. His lack of genuine sympathy towards people has led to a lot of complaints about him apologizing without meaning it. On top of that, he seems to be of the idea that women in a relationship with him will tolerate waiting on him hand and foot while he plays video games all day, and bear his children, and enable his deranged theories about conspiracies and trolls.

3) Chris is not self-sufficient. As mentioned before, Chris doesn't have a job and has no plans to get one, opting instead to live with his mother. His welfare after room and board deductions is barely over the $200 mark, which he wastes on toys and video games instead of saving for something really important. He also has a habit of landing himself into debt with his purchases, and isn't even aware of all of the necessary bills one needs to pay to keep a house running. He has also indicated that if he becomes a family man, he will be leeching off his wife instead of looking for work on his own (of course, there would be no problem with him being a "house husband" if he knew how to maintain a household - which he doesn't). It'll become crystal clear to any woman who learns this about Chris that he is definitely not marriage material, as he has at no point in his life been able to support himself, much less a family.

4) Chris has issues with his mother. Above and beyond Chris's problems with self-sufficiency is the person he is dependent on. Not to put too fine of a point on it, but Barb isn't the easiest of people to live with. Aside from her own personality problems, she has issues with hoarding, she has many of the same issues with authority figures that Chris does, and shows only slightly more of an ability to manage her money. Many people around Chris's age have difficulty dealing with their parents, but Chris has (aside from his devotion to being a tomgirl) been shown to be neither willing nor able to stand up to her. As it stands, Barb is another obstacle on his Love Quest and, if Chris was willing to move out from under her shadow, his chances of landing a sweetheart would substantially improve.

5) Chris's hygiene. Chris does not shower regularly, believing that all you need to be hygienic are a few sprays of Axe. He also lives in a filthy house with garbage everywhere, and routinely shits himself. One woman has described him as smelling like 'rotten watermelons'.

6) Chris is physically unattractive. Chris is not inherently ugly, but his lifestyle and fashion choices have rendered his appearance deeply repulsive. Even before he started dressing like a Tomgirl (already a deterrent in itself for a certain reason), Chris always had very questionable tastes in fashion, and would often have an unkempt appearance, as shown in the picture above. When first spotted from a distance by Catherine, she believed she was looking at an ugly old woman. The fact that he doesn't take good care of himself also hurts his chances of attracting the opposite sex, and has resulted in him becoming clinically obese and nearly bald. If Chris dressed somewhat fashionably, bothered grooming himself properly and worked out, his chances with the ladies would improve a bit. In fact, during Chris's stint as a male escort, his appearance was comparatively rather presentable and he appeared well-groomed.

7) Chris has no idea how to behave around women. Chris has many childish mannerisms and social hindrances that are repellent to women (and men alike). In the infamous video for Ivy, these things are in abundance. Chris thinks that when you talk to a woman you like, you babble and coo like you're addressing a toddler. Also, he thinks that women in this day and age would like watching Gilligan's Island, an ancient show from his elderly parents' days. One of the first things new people also notice about Chris' room is that he's surrounded by toys and video games, which pretty much scream "manchild", and Chris has been known to post pictures and videos addressed to potential dates in this room.[3] His transgender identity haven't helped either - he's now a manchild that dresses like a woman, which doesn't even make him seem heterosexual anymore (sure enough, this happened when one of his Tomgirl pictures was featured on MTV's Failosophy, where the only person who would date him was the gay guy, provided he wasn't joking).

8) Chris is ignorant and averse to change. A feature of autism is hostility to and even fear of change, and Chris is no exception. Chris often believes that, above all else, his way is right, and anybody who tries to tell him otherwise is a dirty troll, especially if it interferes with his immediate interests. This kind of thinking can severely damage a relationship where a well-meaning girl is trying to steer him in the right direction, as many trolls posing as women have tried to do.

9) Chris is an intolerant bigot. He still hates gay men. He has shown insensitivity (if not outright enmity) towards people of different races. Woe be unto you if you're male, too. Needless to say, the only women who'd approve of this stance would have to be outright racists who don't have any male friends themselves, and then you'd have to consider the fact that they must also put up with financially supporting a couch potato who plans to let her do everything for him and shits himself, which would put the total of women who'd be interested in Chris to a big, fat ZERO. For an example of this and how women would not tolerate such an attitude, consider this homophobic post he made (and the replies he got as a result) on Facebook (to truly hammer the point home, Kim, a long-time friend of Chris's, chastised him for his bigotry).

10) Chris has problems with authority. Despite the cliché that "all girls love bad boys", a sensible woman is going to be put off by someone who is in constant trouble with the law. Consider that Chris has on two separate occasions come very close to being sent to jail for several months; this is on top of his other lesser brushes with authority figures. And it's not even as though Chris's attitude stems from him fighting for an important cause - Chris is willing to risk imprisonment for something as petty as the color of an animated character's arms. Even if Chris does find his elusive sweetheart, few will be able to put up with the constant stream of bans, fines, and jail time brought about by Chris's poor self-control.

11) Chris is incompetent. Chris has claimed, numerous times, to be proficient in several of the arts, but in reality is incompetent in pretty much every sphere imaginable. He compares cleaning his house to fighting in a war, and even then, his idea of "cleaning the house" leaves a lot to be desired. One could even argue that it's because of this and his lack of common sense that the aforementioned house eventually burned to the ground, the result of him choosing to brew coffee in his bathroom with an extension cable propped over the door. He has been employed for maybe a few months in his whole life, then was fired, as he proved too egotistical and stubborn to keep even a minimum wage job at a fast food place, and he simply hasn't bothered since. He is completely inept when it comes to managing money, meaning any relationship with him will be a financial nightmare. He gets himself into trouble way more times than he should, such as his attempts to return to The GAMe PLACe, where basic common sense should have told him to stay away like he'd been told. So, long story short, ladies, If you were looking for somebody to be the "man of the house", would Chris even remotely fit the bill?

12) Chris's past will always return to haunt him. Thanks to the combined forces of the Internet, weens, and even Chris himself, there are literally volumes of unsavory information about Chris out in the open for all to see, almost all of which is documented right here. Chris knows this all too well, which is why he strongly discourages anybody from doing even a simple Google Search about him. This was, in fact, one of the key reasons why he didn't even make it to first base with The Wallflower - a ween mailed her a link to the CWCki. But even if we were to put aside anything to do with the internet, there are still many, many embarrassing and undesirable things about Chris that will, in one way or the other, surface that would damage, if not outright destroy a budding relationship - to which this very list can attest.

13) Chris is a Sexual Deviant.

Chris has many weird fetishes and off putting sexual hang ups that severely limit the kind of women Chris would be able to date. The first of which is his strange semen spilling habits that involve cumming onto his and his potential partner’s skin and licking semen off the skin. Chris swallows his own semen, believing that he will run out of cum if he doesn’t drink his own seed [4]. Among the anime Chris has watched, he enjoyed the sexualized aspects of anime like Shuffle and the sexual scenes in Evangelion. On the Adult Swim posts, Chris expressed desire to see anime featuring close-to-nude girls (https://sonichu.com/cwcki/Adult_Swim_posts). Chris claims he looked at a Sailor Moon poster in his room in order to “stay straight”, It should be noted that the poster was of Serena/Usagi/Sailor Moon (who is roughly (12-16 years old) and Rini/Chibi-Usa/Sailor “Mini Moon” (Who is a child [!!!]. Chris was 27 at the time [!!!]). As proof with his reactions to softcore ecchi anime, Sailor Moon, cartoons and even his own Sonichu comics when they get nsfw, Chris finds women in anime and cartoons attractive and even gets aroused by his own poorly drawn “sexy” comics. Chris has a blow up doll of an anime woman who again, based on design, could very well be a depiction of a minor(est. around 14-17). Chris finds cartoon animals like Sonic Characters, and his own Sonichu characters attractive. He even saved and lauded a pornographic pin up jpeg/pinup of Amy Rose(A Sonic character who is canonically 12[!!!]) to use in the “4cent garbage arc”. He even did rule 34 of all his creations. There is debate amongst Christorians over whether one can classify Chris as a furry or pedophile or furry pedophile. Furry fandom in itself is an infamous fandom with a low reputation on the internet. One of the reasons for such infamy is sexualized cartoon animal art. Chris even finds Meg, a character from the animated sitcom Family Guy, attractive. Not only is Meg not even meant to be attractive (according to the show’s writing team, she is a “plain Jane” character who is the butt of a lot jokes regarding that), but Meg is also another underage character(est. 14-17) For his attraction to anime girls, this is one of the reasons why most consider Chris to be “The Ultimate Otaku” despite not having seen that much anime besides video game and boobie related titles.

While there is a lot of “eroge(erotic games)”, “doujins(fan fiction and fan created works)” and “H-Anime” in the Japanese market, and while plenty of notable “manga-ka” got their start dabbling in “H”-media. Japanese public tends to be low key about illustrated H media. Even if somebody does read pornographic doujins or watch H-anime, they will either try to politely change the subject, deny interest, or refer to someone else[5]. In the American society of the USA, “hentai” as it is known is commonly associated with “neckbeards” and “incels” and other forms of “ronery men” as well as social outcasts that other social outcasts will put down. Self proclaimed otaku often refer to favorite girls or guys they masturbate to as “waifus” and “husbandos” respectively. Such otaku are often stereotyped as pedophilic neckbeards that people at large distrust. “Hentai”, as well as ecchi and other kinds of fanservicey shows are often described as being associated with people who have pedophiliac tendencies by the general public.[6] This is because most anime women tend to have a look that most people find infantile(Big head, round eyes). That and the fact that most anime girls that anime fans find sexy are indeed underage by US law (Senran Kaguran characters are all High School Students [!!!]) And in turn, people distrust pedophiles because they are considered shifty since pedophiles tend to be the types to prey on the defenseless like innocent harmless children, and Chris cannot naturally convince people that he is not a pedophile. Naturally, most women don’t go out with people who have the capability to be child molesters because they want the best for their potential children, and other people’s children. Pedophilia is also considered a serious mental disorder in the DSMV and is uncurable. [7] It is speculated that a lot of pedophiles, are very likely manchildren who have had stunted development that has prevented them from growing up. Statistically, pedophiles tend to have lower IQs. This explains why they are attracted towards younger people, because they haven’t grown up mentally, and they want to be with someone on their stunted level of maturity. [8] Chris is indeed a mentally stunted man child, so his gravitation towards young anime girls and cartoon hedgehogs fits in with such speculated theory. When Chris is horny, he faps, and he doesn’t really pay attention or think about what he faps to, and what he faps to scares off a lot of people, including “potential girlfriends.” All this correlates to the factor that Chris knows no boundaries, as again, he has groped and touched female acquaintances like Megan and Emily inappropriately, as well as inappropriately touching people at certain cons recently. And this perverse behavior can stem from a twisted perverse mind fueled by a non- discerning uncritical mind towards sexual media and an over indulgence of such media like Ecchi Harem Anime and “waifu” and “moe” ideas of the submissive and comforting perfect girlfriend.

14) Chris is sociology-politically Confused

Chris is a citizen of Ruckersville Virginia. Virginia is a state in the United States of America, which is a sovereign nation ruled by a government that is considered a democratic republic where members of political parties vie to compete against members of other political parties for votes in order to gain seats in various offices. The party members adopt a set series of stances in order to let people know what they are voting for. Chris has no idea how politics affects himself, but he votes anyway based on illogical feelings. In addition, he lives in ways that betray the political ideals he votes for. He has considered himself a conservative Christian, but lives on welfare(the Kacey’s Father Persona troll, identified as a republican, and explained to Chris, that when members of republican families cant find work, they just go into the military since republicans tend to believe in the power the US military unquestioningly anyway, and that the current actions of such in the War On Terror are completely justified because Americans are always the good guys from a neoconservative point of view..) Chris has voted for Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, but he expresses bigotry towards homosexuals other races. When a potential girlfriend wants to bond with someone, politics is generally a factor. Usually when one doesn’t care about political differences between themselves, a divorce is generally expected to come strictly after. The USA is divided between liberal democrats(who are pro welfare, pro-choice, pro social rights) and conservative republicans (who are pro military and national defense, pro life, and pro free market and gun rights). Chris falls into a camp that is neither of these parties, nor any third party like Libertarian and Green, and lives an unsustainable lifestyle that would anger each active member of a political party. Chris can not properly express his opinion or debate or stand for himself nor just conform to a party which makes finding a girlfriend even more difficult. Republican women won’t stand him for his lazy welfare living, misandry, and sexual deviancy, Democrat women won’t stand him for his bigotry and misogynist attitudes, Libertarian women won’t stand him for both his lazy welfare living AND his bigotry and misogynist/misandrist attitudes, and Green Party women won’t stand him for littering, making fire hazards and being bad for the environment.

15) Chris Has No Life Outside of Playing Videogames and Being Trolled.

When people look for another mate, they tend to gravitate towards people who are interesting. People who have a magnetism going about them that can draw another person into their life. This magnetism comes from various factors. Maybe the person is incredibly skilled. Maybe the person is a great architect, helping lay the foundation for several buildings that define the cityscapes. Maybe the person is a verteran from a war, with many stories to tell and near death experiences to share and learn from. Maybe the person contributes heavily to a wiki, writing the very information that people absorb across the web. Maybe that person is a politician with a lot of influence, or a scientist researching diseases that are currently uncurable. Maybe that person is a kick-ass martial artists. Or a musician, traveling with a band. Maybe that person is a doctor, or a lawyer, or an accountant, or even a film or book critic, all of which are decent “non-paper hat jobs” that pay well and grant the person much experience. Maybe the person is a firefighter or Navy SEAL, who has saved dozens of lives. Maybe the person is dangerous, or an outcast, but a misunderstood outcast, like a drug dealer running a dark web site to sell contraband based on his libertarian values. Or someone not as dangerous like an anime translator spending long nights translating things he hates. A film director that makes so-bad-they’re-good films. Maybe the person is an anime expert who does a web show, and maybe someone who likes that person wants in on that person’s craft. Maybe that person is rich beyond ones wildest imagination, or dirt poor, with uncanny unmatched urban survival skills. Maybe that person is comic writer who uses heavy symbolism in his work and considers himself an actual wizard ironically. Or maybe that person is a punk rocker with absolute anarchic values and wants to return society rules to year zero. Even serial killers have attracted potential mates. Chris is indeed, an interesting specimen, as this wiki can attest, but not for any positive or helpful kind of interest. All previous examples of people of interest are people who gain that interest out of some degree of respect and admiration. Outside of the trolling and the Sagas and the speculation, Chris is a boring dull person who has nothing to offer society other than laughs at his own expense and cautionary tales about how to use the internet. Chris is not well read; he mostly just read Goosebumps all the way through high school without picking up any other challenging affair. He barely remembers To Kill a Mockingbird or The Grapes of Wrath, if he even read them. Chris doesn’t know how to sing or play a musical instrument; he only plays guitar hero(badly) and his singing voice is off key, arrhythmic, and cracks every second . He can’t write a complete story with a dozen or so plot holes and a grammatical error or two. And his claim to fame, his bread and butter, his art skills are not to par either; he draws like a kindergartner. He is not charismatic; he wears goofy dirty clothes and stutters and puts his foot in his mouth every time he opens his gob. He is messy and disorganized. Chris has no marketable skills other than what his CAD degree entails(and even that, raises some doubt). Anything interesting about Chris stems from his failures and not his achievements. Because he is interesting from a sheer lack of respect, and that lack of respect is because nobody in their right mind would want to be Chris. Any potential girlfriend will recognize the extreme risk being Chris’s girlfriend, since there is no benefit, and the only thing to gain is a whirlwind of never ending drama. So thus, Chris wont attract a sweetheart, but he will always attract a troll.

16) Chris doesn't try. Throughout his whole life, Chris has not had even one real girlfriend. The reason for this is simple: he won't initiate. Chris is well known to have a fear of talking to women, even resorting to a book to try and get over his anxiety. While not as true today, men are supposed to play the role of the "go-getter", and try to woo over "the fair lady". How does the scenario play out in this autistic's mind? Stand around with an attraction sign with ridiculous requirements. Back in the day, even if a girl did express interest, Chris would've been too shy to even talk back to her. He's a little more confident today, but it's hardly done wonders for his chances of scoring - instead, he'll turn her off with a cheesy, ham-fisted attempt at a pickup line that just makes him look incredibly creepy and out-of-touch. If there was such a girl who could and would overcome these barriers, the odds that she would meet his standards (just in appearance) are about 1 in 100. And if that still isn't enough, Chris would never stick to his sweetheart. In his entire life, he has barely had any friends, so what makes anyone in the whole world think he is capable of having a girlfriend? If he is, then his habit of holding back on anything that requires effort and no immediate reward (like moving out, getting a job, maintaining a social life, etc.) will inevitably keep Chris from ever catching that one fish out there.

Present situation

This is what Chris's break-ups are like.

In July 2015,[9] the CWCki originally concluded that no person - male, female or other - would likely find him attractive, but there was still a small window of opportunity for Chris to improve his chances of enticing a sweetheart, with a major lifestyle overhaul and some serious self-betterment.

Unfortunately, that window of opportunity has closed: in addition to all the reasons listed above, Chris has given up on reality with the Dimensional Merge. What little remained of his chances of attracting a sweetheart disappeared in 2018, when Chris ended his Love Quest by marrying some of his imaginary OCs, and then declined an offer of a date with a female fan cosplaying as him because of his imaginary marriage.

Even more unfortunately, that window of opportunity had not closed as we once thought it did. in late July 2021, the incest call was leaked, and the grim truth of Chris's love-life came to the surface. Called "the 9/11 of the internet" by some, it turned out that Chris had been in a sexual relationship with his mother since at least June of that year. It is unlikely that Barb could be considered a real sweetheart of Chris's, since their sexual relationship was probably nonconsensual. If Chris wasn't forcing himself on his mother continuously, there's a high chance that she felt pressured to satisfy Chris's desires and decided to go along with him. This event adds one last reason for why the chances of Chris getting a sweetheart are astronomically low: nobody wants to date a literal motherfucker.

References

See also


The CWC-tionary

Relationships: Attraction Location | Boyfriend-free girl | Darling | Dating education | Friend Zone | Gal-pal | Heart Level | Homos | Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor | Love Quest | Noviophobia | SLGBTQ | Sweetheart | Sweetheart from the Ground-Up

Sex: China | Comeuppance | Duck | JULAY | Mass debating | Pedofork | Pickle | Recycling | Virgin with rage | Virginia is for Virgins | Women's rights

Himself: Biological clock | Butt garments | Captain's Log | Christian Love Day | DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS | Fuzzy-Wuzzies & Prickly-Wicklies | Honest Content | I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD | Monthly tugboat | Muscle bra | Random-access humor | Saga | Scale of Respect | Tomgirl |

Stressors: 4-cent_garbage | GOPony | HEXBox | JERKS | Jerkops | Kick the Autistic | Laughs Under Lucricities | Manajerks | Naïve | Niggos | Pmurt | Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens | Slow-in-the-minds | Tobacky

Fantasies: Curse-ye-ha-me-ha | Dimension | Fangs | Godjesus | Iron Curtain | OC | Un-clit

Comics: Anchuent Prophecy | Da Update | Electric Hedgehog Pokemon | Nombie-zazis| Parody | Rosechu | Sonichu | Sub-Episodes | Sweetbolt


See also: Chris and English | List of phrases Chris copied from media