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Dating

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I was naïve on the dating subject back in high school, I didn't even think about it, I mean I shoulda ask w- I shoulda asked a woman, I shoulda banged my own share of hos back in the day, but I didn't dawwwg, I just did not think of it!
 

 

—Chris, talking to Lars.[1]

This is what Chris considers a successful date to look like. Note the look of terror in Layla's eyes.

Dating is the social convention in which two people do activities together in order to establish potential capacity as a long-term mate. Chris treats this process of establishing a relationship as a strict and immutable ritual in which hanky panky invariably occurs on the third date at the latest.[2] It is worth noting that over time, the absolute nature of the third date rule Chris likes to adhere to has eroded. While initially meaning the third formal date, the ever-gnawing lust for china has devolved this into the third day after meeting in person. Chris's plans for wooing Blanca get to filthy, passionate lovemaking on the second day.

Chris's view of dating, as well as his penchant for developing schedules for these romantic encounters, say a lot about how he views the process. To Chris, dating isn't a social activity so much as it is a sort of incantation or ritual rain dance for sex. Much like courts of old Europe dating is just a complex routine that is done for the sake of the rules before he can get his rocks off.

A lot of Chris's odd outlook on dating can possibly be attributed to his autism, as he cannot grasp that dating and romance are supposed to be emotionally fulfilling activities, not mechanical warm-ups for sex. Both of Chris's stated dating plans (see below) involve sex quickly occurring after meeting for the first time in person. Love-at-first-sight is one of Chris's deepest held beliefs as well, and the idea that love is definite and perfect without getting to know your partner makes the idea of dating pointless, explaining Chris's desire to get it out of the way as soon as possible.

Online dating

Chris has joined several online dating sites, including Match, OkCupid,[3] Book of Matches,[4] and The Hook Cafe. He is also seen trying to use Craigslist several times; however, it is assumed that it was a troll's work.

Chris's ideas about dating Blanca

Excerpts from an e-mail Chris wrote to Blanca in September 2008:

The First Day

  • meet my mother and father, chat with them a while and get to know each other
  • video gameplay with Guitar Hero
  • For dinner that evening, our First Date, I will take you out to McDonalds, Arbys, Burger King, or a small restaurant like that
  • I'd let you go back to your hotel, or bring you back home. NO SEX on the first night, but if you'd like to make out, I'd welcome it.

The Second Day

  • PS2 or 3
  • For Lunch, I'd take you to this good all-you-can-eat Pizza/Salad/Soup/Desert Buffet that I know of in Charlottesville
  • Romantic Movie at the theater, or we can walk the Downtall Malll, and/or a walk in the park
  • If we take in the movie, you and I can sit in the back, darker area. And if it doesn't bother you, I may "Yawn and stretch" my arm around you to your other shoulder. If you want to take it further, you may pull my hand on your shoulder a little closer to your breast (of course, this is optional), and I'd let you cop a reach into the popcorn bucket, or under that to cop a feel. Stop me if I'm bothering you any. And you and I can make out in the theater.
  • if you feel like it that night in the privacy of mine or your room, you can take my virginity, or we can wait till the third night, if there is one before you have to go back to [REDACTED]. Either way, I would wear a condom then, and in the future until our Wedding Night. :)

Sunday Morning

  • would you be willing to come with me to my Methodist Church as a Visitor? If you do, I would take pride in being with you there and showing you off as my Girlfriend. :D But seriously, I would honestly appreciate just having you with me there. We do sing from a red or black book at points during each service, but you don't have to sing if you don't want to.

Chris's ideas about dating Ivy

Excerpts from a video Chris recorded for Ivy in May 2009:

  • my mommy and I—my family and I—will meet you at the airport
  • I know a place that does some great smoothies, so yeah, a cafe
  • enjoy a movie in the theatre, at home or watch a television rerun. FAMILY GUY, heh, Family Guy. Or uh I love Lucy or I got the entire series of Gilligan's Island.
  • make some music together on Guitar Hero
  • I will look forward to the eventuality of you and I having our sex time together. Hmmm, I'll do you so many, I'll do my best to pleasure you to keep you satisfied, satisfied, just for you. Just for you, hmmm. I know a number of good positions and massages, hmmm, hmmm.
  • I know a number of places we could walk around at and uh we could walk about the mall, we could walk about the UVA grounds, good places where there's plenty of green and sunlight.
  • We can walk the hermit crabs together, hmmm, walk about, you might like your, you might walk your hermit crabs.

In the Comics

Exempting Chris's trolling date with Hanna in the sub-episodes, every single date depicted in the comic concludes in a passionate, long-term relationship (at least in line with what Chris thinks one is like). Some of these encounters even stretch the definition of a date. For example: Wild only had to show Simonla his treehouse before she was ready to yiff. Reginald Sneasel and Angelica are shown in bed together after being last seen meeting for the first time in the park. The fact that all these relationships progress to sex so quickly solidifies the idea that Chris views dating as little more beyond the ritual prelude to screwing.

Sources

  1. Lars Call
  2. User:ChrisChanSonichu profile#Dating Education
  3. https://www.okcupid.com/profile/LevelUpQueen OkCupid dating profile for LevelUpQueen
  4. Book of Matches - profile Sonichu

See also