The Hook Cafe
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The Hook Cafe was the online personal-ad unit of Charlottesville's former local alternative weekly paper, The Hook. Some time in early 2010, Chris posted a personal ad at the Cafe under the blunt nickname "direct2sex," declaring that he "Need Sexy Sweets from Woman." A 90-day pass to the site cost $40, which meant that Chris had to use his monthly tugboat to put the ad up.
The ad was one of the most blatant confirmations that Chris was no longer interested merely in "true love," but was also pursuing the side quest of getting laid. This was not totally unexpected, as many of his followers had always believed that true honest love was merely a ruse to get some china, and that if Chris could get to the hanky-panky without having to actually care about someone, he would do so in a heartbeat.
Of note are the differences between this and his previous dating profiles. By this time, Chris had apparently been making an attempt at being a grown-up, and as a result he neglected to mention Sonichu, his autism, or the fact he was a 28-year-old virgin with rage. He also has started to specify a desire for women at least 21 (as opposed to 18) years old (but not older than himself, despite his pretty obvious desire for a mother-like mate).
This was not the first time Chris has posted a personal ad on The Hook Café. An earlier attempt, in which Chris had promoted himself as a "Handsome Virgin searching for Woman," had fallen victim to hackers around early 2009. Unfortunately, most of its original contents weren't preserved. It's the hacked version that's referred to in Chris's 20 January 2009 IRC chat.
On 9 April 2010, the moderators on the site deleted Chris's profile, possibly due to a flood of fake profiles set up by trolls. Several troll profiles were also deleted. With the death of this profile, Chris apparently shifted his efforts back to OkCupid as his go-to for soliciting sex via the internet.
The following consists of all the information included in the ad. All misspellings and unusual capitalizations are from the original page. The peculiar entry under "Religion" (which lists his affiliation as both "Methodist" and "None") might be the result of an error Chris made when filling out the form that produced his profile.
I am an honest, compassionate gentleman, with a good sense of humor. I am looking for good time(s) with a woman; I'm not getting any younger. I would like a 21-28 year old woman with a pretty face, a sexy slim to average body and an honest and compassionate personality. Show me your honest and sweet interest and love, and I'll show you a good time. Hit me up with an e-mail with your photo and digits, and I will respond quickly in suit. Smokers, overweights, blacks and liars need not apply.
Current Status: Single
Looking for: Friends with benefits, Some Action, Casual Dating
Body Type: Average, Muscular, Height / Weight proportionate
Eyes: L=Blue, R=Green
Height: 5' 10"
Hair Type: Brown
Seeks: Woman for Dating, Woman for Friendship
I get around town via: Car, Walk
My dietary preferences are: Conscious Omnivore
I spend my free time: Reading, Creating, Playing sports, Clubbing, Working out, Watching movies, Shopping, Dining out, Biking
Funniest Thing: A man chasing a dog. And the dog has a ham in its mouth
The best thing about Charlottesville is: The vast history behind it.
My radio dial is usually tuned to? Z-95.1
Quote a line from your favorite movie. Supercalifragilisticespialadocious
Thomas Jefferson makes me: feel inspired and better enjoy Charlottesville, VA.
The first thing I read in the Hook is? The Arts.
Design your ideal mate: the brain of a college graduate and the body of a Playboy Womam
The first section I turn to in the Hook is The Arts
The quickest way to my heart is sweet compassion The quickest way to my bed is honest lovin' And in the morning, I like my eggs cooked fried and well-done
My favorite cartoon as a kid was Sonic the Hedgehog
Golden Corral is my favorite restaurant.
In and Out
Best Buy or Sidetracks
Summer or Winter
PC or Mac
Cavaliers or Redskins
Casket or Cremation
Fax or Email
SUV or Sedan