The Hook Cafe

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Chris's profile image, or, what Ash Ketchum would look like if he had grown up to be a fat, acne-ridden, and deeply closeted manchild.

The Hook Cafe was the online personal-ad unit of Charlottesville's former local alternative weekly paper, The Hook. Some time in early 2010, Chris posted a personal ad at the Cafe under the blunt nickname "direct2sex," declaring that he "Need Sexy Sweets from Woman." A 90-day pass to the site cost $40, which meant that Chris had to use his monthly tugboat to put the ad up.

The ad was one of the most blatant confirmations that Chris was no longer interested merely in "true love," but was also pursuing the side quest of getting laid. This was not totally unexpected, as many of his followers had always believed that true honest love was merely a ruse to get some china, and that if Chris could get to the hanky-panky without having to actually care about someone, he would do so in a heartbeat.

Of note are the differences between this and his previous dating profiles. By this time, Chris had apparently been making an attempt at being a grown-up, and as a result he neglected to mention Sonichu, his autism, or the fact he was a 28-year-old virgin with rage. He also has started to specify a desire for women at least 21 (as opposed to 18) years old (but not older than himself, despite his pretty obvious desire for a mother-like mate).

This was not the first time Chris has posted a personal ad on The Hook Café. An earlier attempt, in which Chris had promoted himself as a "Handsome Virgin searching for Woman," had fallen victim to hackers around early 2009. Unfortunately, most of its original contents weren't preserved. It's the hacked version that's referred to in Chris's 20 January 2009 IRC chat.

Chris was able to solicit the attentions of a young lady named Jackie on this site. Thus began an on-and-off-again relationship lasting until at least February 2012.

On 9 April 2010, the moderators on the site deleted Chris's profile, possibly due to a flood of fake profiles set up by trolls. Several troll profiles were also deleted. With the death of this profile, Chris apparently shifted his efforts back to OkCupid as his go-to for soliciting sex via the internet.

On 27 December 2011, The Hook announced that it was shutting down Café for good at the end of the year. The magazine itself went under on 26 September 2013 and was replaced with C-Ville Weekly.

A screenshot of the ad, as of 5 April 2010.

The following consists of all the information included in the ad. All misspellings and unusual capitalizations are from the original page. The peculiar entry under "Religion" (which lists his affiliation as both "Methodist" and "None") might be the result of an error Chris made when filling out the form that produced his profile.


I am an honest, compassionate gentleman, with a good sense of humor. I am looking for good time(s) with a woman; I'm not getting any younger. I would like a 21-28 year old woman with a pretty face, a sexy slim to average body and an honest and compassionate personality. Show me your honest and sweet interest and love, and I'll show you a good time. Hit me up with an e-mail with your photo and digits, and I will respond quickly in suit. Smokers, overweights, blacks and liars need not apply.


Gender: Man
Current Status: Single
Looking for: Friends with benefits, Some Action, Casual Dating
Body Type: Average, Muscular, Height / Weight proportionate
Eyes: L=Blue, R=Green
Height: 5' 10"
Hair Type: Brown
Age: 28
Seeks: Woman for Dating, Woman for Friendship


Education: College graduate
Ethnicity: Caucasian
Religion: None, Christian / Methodist
Political Leanings: Moderate
City: Ruckersville
Occupation: Artist
Have Children: No
Want Children: Yes


Smoking: Never
Drinking: Socially
Drugs: Not interested


I get around town via: Car, Walk
My dietary preferences are: Conscious Omnivore
I spend my free time: Reading, Creating, Playing sports, Clubbing, Working out, Watching movies, Shopping, Dining out, Biking
Funniest Thing: A man chasing a dog. And the dog has a ham in its mouth


The best thing about Charlottesville is: The vast history behind it.

My radio dial is usually tuned to? Z-95.1

Quote a line from your favorite movie. Supercalifragilisticespialadocious

Thomas Jefferson makes me: feel inspired and better enjoy Charlottesville, VA.

The first thing I read in the Hook is? The Arts.

Name three things you shouldn't have eaten. Beets, Pickles, Relish.

Fill It

I'm an open-minded person, but smokers is a deal-breaker.

Design your ideal mate: the brain of a college graduate and the body of a Playboy Womam

People say my face is my best feature.

The first section I turn to in the Hook is The Arts

The quickest way to my heart is sweet compassion The quickest way to my bed is honest lovin' And in the morning, I like my eggs cooked fried and well-done

My favorite cartoon as a kid was Sonic the Hedgehog

Golden Corral is my favorite restaurant.

In and Out

Best Buy or Sidetracks

Summer or Winter

PC or Mac

Cavaliers or Redskins

Casket or Cremation

Fax or Email

Dyed or Natural

SUV or Sedan

See also

External links