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Tobacky

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"NO SMOKING" and "WANT WOMAN!", two of Chris's war cries.
Authentic CWC ashtray, perfect for launching at the Moon.
 
 
And smoking will eventually cause cancer, and it will—you'll be more likely to get heart attacks, viruses, and your life will be cut drastically short. They don't call cigarettes and cigars "death sticks" for nothing, other than killing you slowly. If I could, I would take every last ounce of tobacky, put 'em on a rocket, and shoot 'em up to the Moon.
 

 

Chris[1]

Tobacky, also known as "tobacco", is a recreational drug derived from Nicotiana plants. If Chris could, he would send every last ounce of tobacky on a rocket to the Moon.

One of the prerequisites for a sweetheart that Chris has never veered from is that she be "smoke-free".[2][3][4][5]

Given his flip-flopping regarding his hatred of alcohol, it is uncertain whether Chris has ever smoked, although he did pretend to smoke a "peace pipe" for Jackie.[6]

Chris on tobacky

A niggo harvests some tobacky.
The Tobacky Factory from Chris' nightmares, according to Troll Eyewitness reports.

In his famous FUTURE MESSAGE of 24 February 2007, Chris expressed his wish for all tobacky to be shot to the Moon.

In an ED edit from 10 November 2007 regarding a comment about Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE, Chris said he was uncomfortable saying the word "tobacco".[7]

Chris's tobacky rocket plan was elaborated on in January 2009:

Chris has also related a dream he once had regarding the risks posed by tobacco consumption:

 
 
I was in a factory and I watched PEOPLE lying on a conveyor belt with their mouths full of cigarettes, going through BURNING OVENS, coming out singed (not ON FIRE), then dunked into a huge tank of Alcohol that DISSOLVED THEM to DUST like ACID would do, and their remains would come out of the factory's smokestacks in puffs of smoke and ashes. And another detail, the Front of the factory is SKULL-SHAPED.
 

 

—Chris's cigarette nightmare[9]

Chris has stated that tobacco and alcohol importation is the most severe crime in CWCville and warrants "ten years [imprisonment] or fifteen hundred dollar fine".[10] In short, importing cigarettes is worse than rape, theft, murder, or even being a homo in CWCville.

Cannabis

Chris seems to have an even stronger hatred for cannabis, despite it being hailed as a possible autism treatment.[11] This is evidenced by the fact that, in CWCville, cigarette smokers are only given a US$1,500 fine, but those who simply possess weed are taken to a maximum security prison, the same place CWCville detains terrorist leaders, as was the fate of Kathleen in the Book10Replacement.

Interestingly, the Jamaican war veteran Inos from the original Sonichu #10 somehow managed to escape this sentence, instead being forced into a soup hotel by Ultra Sonichu. Dialogue indicates it was because Sonichu believed he was actually smoking tobacco, despite him being high as a kite, unintentionally revealing that Chris may believe tobacco and cannabis to be interchangeable. The fact that "wacky tobacky" was used as a name for cannabis back in the 1940s and 50s further adds weight to this theory.

In true Chris hypocritical fashion, it was revealed by Kim on Facebook that in July 2016 Chris had tried smoking cannabis at OmegaCon, and he was offered it at Impulse as well.

Sources

  1. Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE
  2. OkCupid
  3. Dating profiles
  4. Sonichu Girls
  5. CWC's Diary
  6. Wigwam
  7. List of Christian's edits to Encyclopedia Dramatica
  8. IRC (02 January 2009)
  9. Mailbag 39
  10. Captain's Log, Stardate October 27th, 2008
  11. [1]
CWC-isms

Relationships: 🏢 Attraction Location | 👧 Boyfriend-free girl | 😘 Darling | 🎓 Dating education | 👩 Gal-pal | 🌈 Gaybian | 💔 Heart level | 💑 Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor | 🔍 Love Quest | 😨 Noviophobia | 🏳️‍🌈 SLGBTQ | 💕 Sweetheart | 👷 Sweetheart from the Ground-Up

Sex: 🇨🇳 China | 💦 Comeuppance | 🦆 Duck | ⚤ Hanky-panky | 😍 Mass debating | ⚓ Navy | 🥒 Pickle | ☔ Raincoat | 🍹 Recycling | 😤 Virgin with rage | 🤰Virginia is for Virgins | ♀️ Women's rights

Himself: ⏰ Biological clock | 🍑 Butt garments | 📖 Captain's Log | 💩 DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS | 🤓 Fangs | 🐛Fuzzy-wuzzies | 🤥 Honest Content | 🎓 Honor roll | 🚧 Mental Block | 🚢 Monthly tugboat | 👙 Muscle bra | 🌵 Prickly-Wicklies | 🎲 Random-access humor | ⚖️ Scale of Respect | 💔 Heart level | ⚧ Tomgirl | 🔪 Un-clit

Comics: 📜 Anchuent Prophecy | 🐺Cherokian Clan | 🗞️ Da Update | 🦔 Electric Hedgehog Pokemon | ©️ Parody | 🍺 Reeb | Sub-Episodes | ⚡ Sweetbolt

Stressors: 🍀 4-cent_garbage | 🎮 HEXBox | ♂️ JERKS | 👮 Jerkops | ⚽ Kick the Autistic | 😆 Laughs Under Lucricities | 💼 Manajerks | 🍊 Pmurt | 🏫 Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens | 🚬 Tobacky

Cursewords: 👋🏻 Curse-ye-ha-me-ha | 👨‍❤️‍👨 Homos | 🤷 Naïve | 👨🏿 Niggos | 🍴 Pedofork | 🐢 Slow-in-the-minds

Minor CWC-isms


See also: Chris and English

See also