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The Father Call is a phone call that occurred on 4 November 2009. In this call, Solid Chris spends 2 hours on the phone with Matthew Devoria (born 1957), father of his would-be sweetheart Kacey, and a retired U.S. Marine who served in the Gulf War. Chris uses the opportunity of speaking to the dad of his sweetheart by boasting of his now-legendary honesty before flimsily attempting to defend himself from an angry father.
Their conversation is illuminating. This is probably the most blunt assessment of himself and his place in the world that Chris has ever directly received: Matt berates Chris for his laziness, egotism, lack of empathy, inability to grow up, unhealthy lifestyle, obesity, and general failure at life. To this day, Chris has never taken any of Matt and Kacey's advice to heart; throughout the call he retorts by saying that he leads a hard life, which includes such laborious tasks as doing menial chores, mowing the lawn, and cleaning the house. He also claims to be strong and that he exercises regularly, as well as eating healthy by going to McDonald's only once per week and shoving vegetables down his throat.
After being berated with insults for two hours, Chris became increasingly more stressed, frequently making insensitive statements towards Matthew. In general, Chris greatly offended Kacey and her father, causing her to rethink her decision and go back to Liquid Chris.
Chris recorded his 5 November video as a follow-up to this conversation, hoping to repair his relationship with Kacey. He then had another phone conversation with Kacey, which, to put it bluntly, ended equally as poorly.
- 1 Summary
- 2 Video
- 2.1 Matthew Makes the Scene (0:00-4:26)
- 2.2 The Pokémon Volunteer Who Lives with His Parents (4:28-11:01)
- 2.3 Financial Situation and Crystal the Tard Baby (11:01-18:28)
- 2.4 Prophetic Dreams and Bob Chandler
- 2.5 Kacey's Boobs and Fame
- 2.6 The Shit Hits the Fan
- 2.7 Maturity and Chores
- 2.8 Death and Fake Internet Women
- 2.9 More Shit Hits the Fan
- 2.10 Kacey Returns
- 2.11 Literature and Health
- 2.12 Liquid Chris and Minimum Wage Jobs
- 2.13 Respect and Listening Skills
- 2.14 Chris's Pathetic Life and Diseased Ticker
- 2.15 Chris Blows It, but He's an American!
- 2.16 Love and Memories
- 2.17 Crossing the Naïve Line (1:46:21-1:52:41)
- 2.18 Experience and Respect
- 2.19 Chris is Creepy and Bad at Dating
- 2.20 What Are You Gonna Do Now?
- 3 External links
- Throughout the call, Portal is occasionally heard in the background.
- Chris sighs constantly during the call- to a point where Matthew points out the constant sighing- 3 times.
- The call begins with Chris talking to Kacey and making some rather dubious-sounding claims about his weightlifting prowess. Kacey doesn't bother to question Chris on the truth of these claims, and instead hands the phone over to Matthew.
- Matt starts out being fairly civil toward Chris, though it's immediately obvious that he doesn't have much respect for him. Matt begins by calling out Chris on his underwhelming employment record, and tells him that no sane employer would take his claim of being a Pokémon Gym Leader/babysitter seriously.
- Upon being questioned as to the source of his monthly income, Chris reveals his autism and the corresponding monthly tugboat. Matt asks if any hypothetical children (or "'tard babies", as he says) of Chris and Kacey would also be autistic, and while Chris denies that they would be, Matt checks with Kacey, who confirms that autism is more often than not genetic. This is the first of several times Chris lies during the call, and while Matt goes easy on him this time, he won't be so generous the next time Chris does it.
- Chris reveals his dream about God promising him a daughter named Crystal. Not only does Matt consider the idea of God sending Chris messages to be blasphemous, he doesn't even like Crystal as a name and believes it's more appropriate for a stripper, or an expensive brand of champagne. Chris corrects him with the pronunciation of the name to not sound like a stripper, "Chris-thul", not "Chris-tal" (he also misspells the name)
- After indirectly confirming to Matthew that he was interested primarily in Kacey for her looks, he is questioned on why the great and powerful Liquid was impersonating him. Solid's response is to claim that Liquid was jealous of his success with Sonichu. Matt is at first completely bewildered as to why Chris is spending so much time on Sonichu, before using it to make the point that Chris has completely failed to move on from his teenage years.
- The tone of the conversation takes a significant turn for the worse when Matt brings up the subject of Twin Falling Towers, and says that he found that said video to be especially offensive since his mother (Kacey's grandmother) was one of the casualties in the World Trade Center on 11 September 2001. Chris's only response is to blame it all on Clyde Cash, because he was being "mean" to Chris.
- Chris tries to elicit sympathy by claiming to have undergone "war-like tribulations" in his life. Matt tells Chris what war is actually like, recounting his Gulf War experiences, particularly an incident where he had to carry a dead colleague back to base. Chris retracts his statement about his problems being "war-like," but carries on whining about the hard burdens he's had to deal with, like pulling weeds, mowing the lawn, moving furniture, and burying his beloved dog. Matt is even more offended by the insinuation that this is equal to the death of his mother.
- Chris isn't discouraged by the fact that his attempts to earn sympathy aren't working, and rants semi-coherently about how the evil trolls have made his life a misery. Not only does this self-pitying whining severely annoy Matt, Chris unwittingly digs himself a deeper hole by revealing details about the Ohio trip in the Julie saga, causing Matthew to angrily question him on why he won't come to D.C. to meet Kacey if he were willing to drive +800 miles to another state to rescue a girlfriend who doesn't exist.
- Matt accuses Chris of acting like a child, and mentions the state of his room as proof that he's lazy and unwilling to take responsibility. Chris just tries to blame Barb for not helping him. Matt sarcastically comments on his lack of maturity, but Chris misses the sarcasm and thinks he's actually agreeing with him.
- In an unbelievably insensitive move even by his standards, Chris compares the effort that tidying his house would entail with the effort Matt spent carrying his dead colleague back to base. Matt is rightfully furious at this comparison, and gets Kacey back on the phone to tell her how full of shit Chris is. Kacey tells Chris that he needs to respect Matthew more, before handing the phone back to her father.
- An off-hand remark about the library leads Matt to question Chris on his reading habits. Chris says that the last book he read was To Kill a Mockingbird. Matt asks him what he learned from the novel, and Chris proceeds to describe the plot of Of Mice and Men. Upon having this pointed out, Chris remembers which book he's talking about and gives a vaguely correct description of the plot, but seems to have only read (or paid attention to) the first half of the story. When Matt brings up the court case (a major part of the story,), Chris seems to not know what he's talking about.
- Matt says that Kacey reads books like Chris stuffs candy down his throat. Chris completely misses the point and angrily claims he has a healthy lifestyle. Matthew thoroughly mocks Chris's lack of basic comprehension skills, and challenges him to produce a video of himself exercising in order to prove his obviously false claims of being healthy.
- Returning to the subject of Crystal, Matthew asks Chris how he intends to support himself, Kacey and a child on his tugboat and a minimum wage job. Chris tries to claim that $8/hour is plenty for a family of three, to which Matt points out that not only is that amount of money nowhere near enough, the minimum wage is actually $7.25/hour. Chris takes a sneering tone during this debate, only serving to piss Matt off even more, and causing Kacey to again tell Chris to respect Matthew. By this point Kacey is getting pissed off with Chris's disrespect and clear failure to listen to her advice.
- Matthew again questions Chris on his lifestyle, and asks him to take his pulse. Chris discovers his pulse to be 84 per minute; Kacey overhears this and tells Chris that with his history of heart trouble, such a pulse indicates a serious problem. Chris doesn't seem at all bothered by him possibly risking death, which really annoys Kacey and causes her to storm off.
- Chris bizarrely attempts to make himself look better by boasting that he's American-born and bred, and has never even left the country, somehow thinking this will impress a man who fought in Iraq. Matt points out that not only is this irrelevant since Kacey and Liquid Chris are also American, true patriots don't make videos mocking 9/11.
- Matt decides to test Chris's memory and asks him various details about Kacey; Chris gets her favorite color vaguely right, has no idea what her favorite flower is, and takes forever to remember which of her family members died on 9/11 (which should've been easy for Chris because Matt told him earlier in the conversation). Matt tells Chris that he must be naïve to think he would have any chance with Kacey; Chris gets really annoyed by Matthew's usage of the dreaded "N" word and actually implies that he would try to kick Matthew's ass were they in the same room. At least, until Matthew reminds him which of the two was formerly in the USMC, causing Chris to quickly backtrack on his threats.
- Out of nowhere, Chris suddenly brings up his experience of being restrained by his elementary school principal and teachers. This is probably yet another attempt to gain sympathy, but Matthew just considers it more evidence that Chris has serious problems, and points out how hypocritical it is for him to accuse Liquid of being the crazy one.
- Matt brings up Chris's first meeting with Kacey (and her sister), and accuses him of acting in an inappropriate "touchy-feely" manner, which Chris just flat-out denies being true. This leads into Matthew questioning Chris on where he would take Kacey on a date, and in turn how much he would tip the server. Chris's response indicates that he believes the "15% rule" to be a cast-iron rule, rather than just a rough guideline for tipping.
- Chris attempts to hang up on Matthew, after some back and forth regarding Kacey, the future of Chris's relationship to her,her song dedication video, and Chris's own version of the song, Matthew snidely congratulates Chris on getting Kacey and Liquid back together
- Shortly before hanging up, Kacey mentions Chris failing to make her a comic (presumably what would becomeGun Comic and instead he made her a Little Big Planet level. Kacey reveals Chris asked her for her phone number, which she refused to give him until her parents trusted him- Chris claims he would have come to her if he knew where she was- despite earlier in the call implying after Julie, he would not travel to see any girlfriends. During this, She compares him to Liquid, who she says would've driven to see her soon as he knew she was upset-Chris didn't bother during the call to ask how she was when talking to Matthew.
- Chris abruptly attempts to end the call, partly because of how late at night it is, but also because he thinks Matthew is being disrespectful to him. Kacey comes back one last time and rails at Chris for being disrespectful and generally full of shit, as Matthew attempts to hold back laughter; Chris doesn't give a clear answer to any of her accusations (see above), resulting in her storming out of the call for good. The tape runs out before the call actually ends, but it's clear by now that Chris has fucked up, big time.
| Father Call|
|Stardate||4 November 2009|
Kacey Call 24
| next |
Kacey and Liquid Call
| I'M WORKIN' ON IT! |
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Matthew Makes the Scene (0:00-4:26)
Kacey: Hey, Chris, it's Kacey!
Chris: Hi, Kacey, how are you?
Kacey: Um, I'm cool, um, I'm over at my parents' house, cause, um, they wanted to call [Chris speaks over her] 'cause they saw some of your videos and I gave them the letter.
Chris: Okay, all right. Actually, I'm uploading a video now, I did fif--I did 51 reps with, uh, 50-pound weights… well, not really weights, but as much as they are…
Kacey: You did 51 reps or 51 times? 'Cause reps are different.
Chris: You know, li… you know, lifted them up, 51 times, lifted them up with each arm. 51 times--arm, so it's a total of 102.
Kacey: Hmm. [pause] Well, at--was--was it hard?
Chris: Yeah, it was hard, but… it was a show of strength anyway.
Kacey: Um, that's funny, 'cause I have to lift, like… 100 and more pounds for my job--I, but, um, let me go ahead and get my dad for you, because he wants to talk to you.
Chris: Alright, by the way what's his name? [pause] Mokay.
Kacey: I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, uh, it's Matthew.
Chris: Oh, Matthew, okay.
Kacey: Yeah. [corpsing]
Kacey: Alright, well gu--just give me a minute.
Chris: Okay. [long pause and typing noises]
Matthew: Hello, Chris. This is Matthew, Kacey's father.
Chris: Hello, si--good evening, sir, how are you?
Matthew: I'm good, thank you. How are you?
Chris: I'm da--I'm doing good.
Matthew: Good. Good. So, uh… so, I've got a couple of questions for you… well, n'I mean more than a couple. Aaai?
Chris: That's fine, that's fine, I'm happy to oblige with an answe--with an honest answer.
Matthew: Okay. [inhales] Well, uh, first and foremost, uh, let's see, uh… you got a job, son?
Chris: Hmm, not currently, but I am working towards getting a job. I have been filling applications left and right.
Matthew: Really, really, what kinds of places, uh, what kind of skills you got?
Chris: Hmm, yeah, w--yeah, I'm looking, um--I'm applying for, like, uh--retail stores and such, uh got an application for a new CVS in Ruckersville, and uh, one over at the Walmart, and I had one over at Target… I have worked before, I've worked at--duh, Wendy's in di--Ruckersville for a few months… first off, I worked off as a sales representative for, uh… Cutco Cutlery.
Matthew: Right, that's--that's minimum wage stuff, uh… yi, d'you go to college or something?
Matthew: And you're working at… Target… I mean, I know the economy's bad, but I mean… surely, you've gotta, you know, use that somehow, right? And how old are you again?
Chris: I'm 27… sir.
Matthew: You're almost 30 and you're working at the… Target. You wanna work at Target, I should say.
Chris: Hmm… yeah, well, not really sure what kind of jobs my, uh… degree and certificate would get me, but I mean, like, you know… but I mean, if I--if I did know, then I'd certainly strike up on the job…
Matthew: You got a degree not knowing what kind of jobs you could get… in that field, and you've had it for how long? When did you graduate?
Chris: Hmm… I graduated in 2006.
Matthew: 2006, so you've had it for 3 years and you have done nothing with it… y-you haven't… you haven't had any jobs between then?
The Pokémon Volunteer Who Lives with His Parents (4:28-11:01)
Chris: Yeah, I had--I did--I did volunte--I have done volunteer work… uh… [cut off]
Matthew: That doesn't pay, though. Although, what kind? [stutters] Humor me.
Chris: Uh, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.
Matthew: Uwha--what kind of volunteer work? Humor me.
Matthew: P--Pokémon? Di--wait, that…
Chris: You know, teach them how to play, and building decks from ther-swha-what scraps they had, and uh… di--making sure they kept in order, y'know, d-d-don't get too crazy…
Matthew: And how long ago was this?
Chris: …I'm sorry, what was that?
Matthew: How long ago was this? I mean, wasn't that Pokémon thing, wasn't that back in the 90s when that was really popular? Because I think my youngest daughter used to like that, but you know, that was years ago.
Chris: It was the late 90s.
Matthew: LATE 90s.
Chris: [stutters] That's still going strong. Maybe I--
Matthew: If you say so.
Chris: …and I have been doing that from 1998 'till about 2008. [pause] So about 10 years I've been doing that.
Matthew: Right. You've been playing a children's card game for 10 years.
Chris: …yeah, but also [stutters], like, as you know, like, a form of babysitting.
Matthew: Babysitting… but… but doesn't babysitting usually, you know, pay? I mean, and, that doesn't sound like you're volunteering. When I think volunteering work, I think like, you know, Red Cross, that kind of thing. You know, actually going out and really helping people. Planting trees, that kind of stuff.
Chris: Yeah, well, I have--I have been--I have helped people--out. You know, I, uh, helped, like, the parents mind… knowing their children were in a safe environment and I helped ensure that their children were playing and, uh, were within the safe environment and that nothing was to go wrong and, uh, and I was respected as an authoritative figure in that sense.
Matthew: Right. I'ean, [stutters] and… but… are you still doing this? I mean, or what are you doing right now? If you stopped, why aren't you doing this anymore? [crinkles paper or snack bag]
Chris: Ummm… yeah, it was kinda, um, kinda like, uh, you know, not too m--not too many were showing up, so it was like my choice on ending that, you know. But yeah, it was a sa--yeah, it was kind of a sad day for me, you know, to have to put that behind me, but, you know, we gotta move on, but anyway… but anyway, aside from that, I… I've been searching and, uh, doing [stutters a lot] yardwork for my family and other sorts of… heavy lifting.
Matthew: Right, right… well--aaaah, anyways, I'm done talking about, uh, Pokeyman now. I got a couple more. So, uh, what kind of place you got, you got a place of your own? Where you living at?
Matthew: Living with your parents, age 30. Got it. [Chris tries to interrupt] Almost 30, excuse me.
Chris: Well, uh, I hope that, uh, doesn't strike you in a bad thing, but it's like, uh, I just did not feel comfortable leaving the safety of my home with the, uh, for the while.
Matthew: And, uh, why is that exactly?
Chris: 'Cause I could not really, I just did not feel, you know, like I was ready for a place of my own just yet.
Matthew: You gotta leave somehow, you've gotta leave at some point. I mean, I think most of my kids will, you know, move out 18, 20… y'kn--I'm okay if they hang out while they're in college, but after that they gotta start looking for a place of their own, you know?
Chris: Yeah… yeah. But, you know, to--to each their own individual growth rates.
Matthew: Right, but, but uh, I just gotta ask, though… I mean, you're really serious about Kacey, are you not?
Chris: Yes, I--yes, I am serious about Kacey.
Matthew: Okay so… uh-
Chris: And with her help, I feel like I could get a good start on being able to, uh, you know, shortly, in the near future, move out of my--move of the house.
Matthew: …with her help?
Chris: …and get a place of my own…
Matthew: You need her help in order to support both of you?
Chris: [floundering] It's more like, you know… um… ye, some details I'm not understand… I talk to my parents sometimes about that, but it's like, uh, you know… mmm… I… it's like a… whole bunch of details… you know… yeah. [says "mmm" or audibly farts]
Matthew: Explain, please. [stutters] I don't know what these details are.
Chris: Anyway, I'm still, like, uh, I would need like, you know, external influence, you know, somebody outside the house to help me feel more comfortable in moving out.
Matthew: You could, you know, people are always looking for roommates, you know, just go to any college board, you know, y-sti…
Chris: Yeah… but still, I mean, that's not…
Matthew: That's not really an excuse.
Chris: That's not something I would feel comfortable with, since, uh, I haven't been to college for a few years, you know… I keep between myself…
Matthew: So, but I mean really, okay, if you can't s-s-if you can't support my daughter, my daughter needs a man, a MAN to support her.
Chris: I am a man, sir.
Financial Situation and Crystal the Tard Baby (11:01-18:28)
Matthew: How serious are you about my daughter?
Chris: Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.
Matthew: How serious are you about my daughter? Really. If you aren't even willing to support yourself, you know, like that uh…
Chris: I am willing, I am able to support myself as well. I'm able to support myself. And I will be able to support your daughter as well.
Matthew: Okay, then t-then then why aren't you? I mean, where's the money gonna come from?
Chris: Yeah, I do have, I do have a- I do have a- a monthly income. I get, uh--
Matthew: Do you now?
Chris: Yeah, I get it fro- yeah, pretty much- I get it from the government. My family is a little bit in with the government.
Matthew: S-s-so w-why do you- why do you get welfare? Mi-might I ask? Or, whatever you call it. Um…
Chris: You can call it, like, you know, a stepping-stone in the right direction of, uh, me movin- me moving out and- and all that, but seriously, though, I am very strong-willed, and I feel like, and I feel that I could, that when- that- I could- I would be able to take care of Kacey.
Matthew: You're avoiding my question. Why are you on, I think it's actually called Social Security. Why do you get it? I mean, I'm a pretty strong Republican, we don't really like that whole welfare thing. We work, and if we can't work, we go join the military. That's what I did.
Chris: Yeah. I understand that. You see, I'm high-functionally autistic.
Matthew: Are you now?
Chris: Yeah. I was diagnosed with that at a young age, and I was, I still have [brief disconnection] just a few years ago.
Matthew: So, ah… isn't that autism thing, it's like a, you're not, like, retarded, are you?
Chris: Ah, I'm sorry, not really, what?
Matthew: I'm just saying, you know, that's a genetic thing, right? I don't want any, if you're really going to get with my daughter, I don't want 'tard-babies.
Chris: Yeah, yeah, autism is not genetic.
Matthew: Ah, I think I read somewhere that it was, actually. I'm pretty sure I did.
Chris: No, no, it's a myth. That's a myth.
Matthew: A myth. A myth.
Chris: Autism is not genetic. You're not gonna have, there would be no retarded grandchildren on your part. I can guar… I can promise you that.
Matthew: If you say so. If you really say so. I'm looking this stuff up right now. My Kacey, she's in medicine, she knows this stuff, she's an expert.
Chris: Yeah, but, like, you know, it might be also…
Matthew: Actually, hold on, she's right over here. Hey, Kacey, what do you know about autism? Is that genetic?
Kacey: Yeah, it's definitely genetic. It usually runs in the mother's line but it can be in the father's as well. But it's usually the mother's. And twins have a much higher chance.
Chris: [In a relatively quiet sigh] Great.
Kacey: Anything else, Dad?
Matthew: Ah… no, I think that's good, yeah, you go… What were you doing again?
Kacey: I need to go finish washing the dishes. I'll be right back, Dad.
Matthew: I think there's some cake down there, too. Go help yourself or something.
Kacey: Okay, sweet! Thanks, Dad.
Matthew: Anyways, where was I? Let's see… if you really want a kid with my Kacey, I think you'd probably be best if you adopted or something. That's a good thing, you know.
Chris: Yeah, well, yeah, in my case, I would not, I do not, I would not care to adopt. You see, I have a dream, I have my dream, and that dream is to give birth, to have, to share a daughter with my wife-to-be, and her name would be Crystal.
Matthew: A dream… as in, you were asleep and you saw something?
Chris: Yeah. Plus, in the dream, I had, like, an office job.
Matthew: An office job. Right.
Matthew: You know, I don't think, Kacey actually doesn't really like that name. You know, it's kind of a stripper name, CrySTAL, it's kinda like Cristal, that champagne…
Chris: No, no, no, no, it would not, it would not, it would not be CriSTAL, it would be CrySTULL. Does that make sense?
Matthew: It's still pretty close.
Chris: It's fairly, it does sound close, but it's not, you're not, you're just replacing the C-R-Y-S-T-L-E (yes, he misspelled that), you're replacing the L-E with an A-L.
Matthew: Yeah, but even so… you said this all came to you in a dream… dreams, they don't pay the bills. It's just a dream. That's all just from your head. I had a dream once where, you know, I was flying. You don't see me doing that.
Chris: Hm. Yeah, okay, but I mean, it's like in, yeah. Flying, yeah, you're definitely not going to be able to fly on your own. Sure. But it's like, you know, when you see a dream that's actually reasonable, that you can actually picture yourself doing in the future while you're awake. You know? It's like a career thing. You know, it's like, yeah, you definitely, it's like, you know, when your child, there's a chance you could become a cowboy if you dreamed of being a cowboy. But, you know, that may not be, that may seem kind of far-fetched, if you're living in a place that's not near or in Tetsas, but if you're like, if you dreamed you want, if you want, if you dreamed you wanted to be, to become a teacher, that's more likely, that's more likely possible. You can get the degree and become a teacher.
Matthew: So? If you want to go do it, be a teacher, go to work in an office, GO WORK IN AN OFFICE! Go apply to an office. Don't dream about it, dreams do nothing for you, they don't pay the bills.
Chris: Yeah, I am taking, I have been, I have been working on that, and I have been taking action on looking for good jobs. Definitely looking in office jobs.
Prophetic Dreams and Bob Chandler
Matthew: You think you have some kind of powers of prophecy? That doesn't seem very, I don't know, to me it doesn't seem very Godly, you know.
Chris: No, ah, ah, ah, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that I'm a prophet. I'm not saying that. But, you know, it's definitely something that, you know, it's definitely something that I feel that God has promised to me and I believe in God, I go to church every Sunday, and like, like in…
Matthew: That sounds like being a prophet to me.
Chris: Yeah, well, yeah, you do, yeah, there are prophets that are mentioned in the Bible.
Matthew: Yes, but.
Chris: I'm not, I am not, I, but, I am not saying that I am a prophet. Not saying that.
Matthew: Son, I go to church every Sunday too, and I've never had any kind of dreams of anything telling me that something is going to happen. God doesn't do that. God doesn't tell you things like that.
Chris: Yeah, well, yeah, you never know, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, it'll just, it depends on the people, you know? You never know it, but you know, you might actually have gotten a message in a dream that may have actually [brief interruption] but you might, you might not have caught on as quickly, or… and I do not mean to insult you, but, ah, yeah, right now, conflicted by, you know, retrospect, you might actually realize that could have been a message from God.
Matthew: Naaaah… if you think you see the future, that sounds like you're trying to be a prophet. That doesn't really sound religious, that just sounds like some mumbo-jumbo to me.
Chris: I'm not saying that it is the definite future, but that it is a POSSIBLE future. And I am looking-and I am looking to make that happen.
Matthew: Well, MAKE it happen.
Chris: I am going to.
Matthew: Do it. And if it's not a message from God, you should go out, you should do it. Why don't you go- don't wait for it, it sounds like you're just sitting around waiting for it. When did you have this dream, exactly?
Chris: Yeah, I pretty much, I pretty much had it when I was between seven and nine years old-
Matthew: Seven-wh-TWENTY YEARS AGO? Excuse me? And nothing has happened between then and now?
Chris: [floundering] I was definitely, like, in my elementary school years…
Matthew: And you hold onto this dream… I mean, you're almost thirty, you're, you know… time is gonna start working against you, you know? I mean, life is short.
Chris: Yes, it is.
Matthew: And you're living with your parents. I mean, what do you do all day, exactly?
Chris: Yeah, well, I get creative by uh, I like to draw and color. And uh, sometimes I like to create with my hands, you know, I sculpt. And, uh even as far as, you know, just tinkering with, anything I like tinkering with. I even have-I am even technologically smart. I even took a computer upgrading class where I put together a computer, a personal computer, from scratch.
Matthew: So… why aren't you working building computers or something? It sounds like something you could do.
Chris: [ignoring this fairly good point] Hm, yeah, it is. Hm. Well I pretty much did get started on the techno-savvy, I would say, from my father. He's a retired technical engineer, he worked for GE for a number of years, he also, uh, was in the, well he was stationed over in Korea in the Signal Corps. He-he designed the controls for the plastic auto machines for his other achievements. So without him we would not have the plastic for, at the very least, your soda bottles.
Matthew: That's all fine and good, I mean, your father… but I'm not talking about your father, I'm talking about you.
Chris: I'm just pointing it out as hinting at my technological influence.
Matthew: But… you haven't done anything, unlike your father. That's what I'm getting here. That's not good, son. I mean, when I was 27 I already had a wife and kids, I was working 40 hours a week.
Chris: Hmm… umm… yes, well, my father didn't marry-my father did not marry the first time till he was 30 himself.
Matthew: Yeah but you know, he probably also had a job and was living on his own, and he was also in the military, like me. So I don't really care about what your father did, because that's what he did, that's not what you did.
Chris: I understand-I understand th-I understand what you're talk-I understand… talking about… and, you know, and your point.
Chris: I mean, I make a, I am trying to make a valid point myself. I feel like that, you know, we both are definitely understanding each other.
Kacey's Boobs and Fame
Matthew: Really? I must say, I'm not really impressed, but, uh, let's move on. Let's talk a little bit about what you think about my lovely daughter. What was the first thing you liked or noticed about Kacey?
Chris: I noticed her beautiful face.
Matthew: Her beautiful face.
Chris: Yeah. And her blue-green eyes are like a pair of swimming pools that I would just like to swim around and bathe myself in.
Matthew: [extremely uncomfortable laughter] So the first thing you noticed was her appearance.
Chris: [Interrupting] But also I definitely like to take note over time, over talking to her, one day that she was very smart and very fun to hang around with, and she definitely knows what she's talking about. If anything [laughs] she could be a little bit sm- she could be smarter than me on some things.
Matthew: But still, the first thing that, uh, you noticed, was her appearance. So, were you looking for like a trophy wife or something? It's kind of funny…
Chris: [stuttering] The first thing I noticed about her in person, when we talked first, you know, between phone calls and e-mails, after kind of an indirect meeting there, but anyway. I actually learned first that she was smart and very delightful to talk to. And then after a while, she and I met in person, and then I got to appreciate her face. And the-the smart, charming wit behind it.
Matthew: This doesn't really add up to what Kacey told me, you know. The impressions I got from what she said about your first little… "encounter," we'll call it… she said she was a little bit… uncomfortable around you, you know? And apparently when you first talked to her, you actually were pretending to be somebody else, actually. You know, that other Chris.
Chris: Yeah, well he was, that was another thing. Yeah. All right, yeah.
Matthew: She didn't like that much.
Chris: My friend Kim, she helped me, uh, get into that Chris's e-mail account. Before I ever learned about Kacey-
Matthew: You know, that Chris was her boyfriend at the time, you know? I mean, I've actually talked to that guy and met him in person, he's actually a pretty nice kid.
Chris: Yeah, but if you watch his YouTube videos he does get a little crazy. But anyway for the past few months now… he was, you know, he was pretending to be me, and a few months ago, he pretends, or I'm assuming he pretends, that he gets kidnapped and tied up, and sent to the desert. And then Kacey tells me that cops [incomprehensible] in the desert, but I'm going off track here-
Matthew: That just doesn't make any sense to me. Why would he pretend to be you? Someone like you, guy who lives with his parents.
Chris: Okay. Okay, first off, I'm Internet famous for being the original creator of the, uh… it's like a combination of Sonic the Hedgehog and Pikachu [Kacey's Dad groans], so I was the original creator of Sonichu and Rosechu, the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon. And I created him on March 17, 2000, and I drew the comic books… I originally started that back in 2000, and I've drawn a few books and I'm still doing some drawing, I don't like to leave an unfinished project finished. But-
Matthew: [Has been trying to interrupt for the last 30 seconds] Okay, so… you know, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about? I barely know what Sonic the Hedgehog and Pokémon is other than it's kids' stuff. So basically what I'm getting here is you took two kids' things and put them together, you know, two copyrighted kids' things…
Chris: But it's making up a whole new character, and my father has the knowledge with the copyrights and whatnot, and he verifies for me that I have been in the clear the whole time, from the beginning, to uh, to continue on with Sonichu being m-Sonichu and Rosechu being my original creation. And I create the original stories and everything, and the books, and I've done the CWCipedia, which was originally on the CWC Sonichu site speaking of which, CWC is my name, Christian Weston Chandler. Anyway, I've been going on with that since 2000, uh-
Matthew: Which means you were 18 when you made this. You were what, a senior in high school? You were playing with kids' stuff? And that's what you've been doing for… what, you know, since then? You're 27 years old? You're playing with kids' stuff? I mean, like, little kids' stuff. I mean, like, ten-year-olds.
Chris: Yeah, well, it may sound like that, but in a sense, it was definitely a fad that I was, uh, enjoying, and, uh-
Matthew: But fads, they come and go.
Chris: -until when I had to like, uh, which was just a year and a half ago, I had to let that go, and I let that go a year and a half ago. But anyway, getting back to, uh…
Matthew: You said it was popular, still. But you're not making any money off it. You're just doing this while you sit around in your parents' house for no real reason, because like I said, you're not making any money off this, and you still wanna be a boyfriend.
Chris: Yeah, but, it is a thing I’m doing to make money off of, I could be, it is a thing that I am working on starting to make money off of, I am in talks with the com- comic book company, as well as Nintendo of America, about, uh, you know, about possibly, about the likelihood of me being able to, uh, of, uh, us getting together… making money off of this, cuz, obviously, since 2000 it became more and more popular on the, uh, Internet, and I became Internet famous and, uh, along with a bunch of the fans like that, I was, ah…
Matthew: Don’t you… don’t you need permission from both SEGA, and Nintendo? I mean, is that, Sonic is from Sega, right? I mean, I know a little bit about what my daughter was… my little daughter used to talk about… I kinda know what a Sega is, I think.
Chris: Okay, yeah, I have talked to Sega as well, but anyway, getting back to, anyway, getting back to, if I may finish… yeah. Anyway, yeah, I got Internet famous, I got the fans, and then I got the naysayers which were the Internet bullies and trolls… and, uh… and uh, that Chris, and uh, Chris over there, was uh, he was one of them, and uh before, and this is, uh before I met Kacey he uh, he started pretending to be me, on the, in YouTube videos. And, uh…
Matthew: This… okay, I’m sorry, this is just getting completely ridiculous, all this Internet, I mean you just, all this Internet stuff, I don’t, I don’t know much about computers, but I mean, that’s just… this sounds like just a whole waste of time, that I don’t care about, because it doesn’t pay the bills, and it DOES NOT help support Ka- my Kacey.
Chris: I- I- I understand that.
The Shit Hits the Fan
Matthew: I mean, I was in the MILITARY. I was DOING something. I fought in Desert STORM. I fought against Saddam HUSSEIN.
Chris: Yeah… okay… you fought in Desert Storm, you fought against Saddam… that’s all good, that’s very good. That’s honorable. That is honorable.
Matthew: But… and then what- and then YOU, you made this… Son-ni-chu thing. I mean… it’s like… ah, this is, something’s, something’s not right here, you know? But, but, but since you did bring up Youtube, I got, I got kind of an interesting little thing… that I noticed, in one of your recent videos, heh. I mean, I don’t know what exactly you were thinking, with this, um… you know, you did that video with the, ah… 9/11. I can’t say I really enjoyed that too much. I mean… that kinda hits… that kinda hits close to home to me, you know, I mean…
Chris: Yeah, I, yeah, I realize, I realize that now, and I have received the complaints so, yeah that’s why I have… I put that…
Matthew:You’re lucky I don’t… you’re lucky I don’t have a Youtube, son. I mean, my… I mean, that hits close to home to me. My MOTHER, Kacey’s grandmother… y’know, she DIED on 9/11.
Chris: I, um… I’m sorry to hear that. Yeah, and I, uh, I mean, it’s like, I did not mean to hit that, hit that fragile emotion, ah, it was originally, ah, a thing, against a longer, worser- worser Internet troll, who goes by the name of Clyde Cash, whose alias is Gregg Mays, and…
Matthew: You made a video…
Chris: Yeah, that’s just a whole nother story, right there. Anyway, I had…
Matthew: You made a video, basically, just trying to, trying to mess with some… GUY… on the Internet… that makes fun of one of the greatest American tragedies of our lifetime- no, THE Amer- greatest American tragedy of our lifetime.
Chris: Mm… yes, but, yeah but this guy, uh, he’s done a lot, he’s done a lot of things against me, yeah, on the Internet, trying to… you know… y-yeah, trying to destroy my good name with, uh, a whole bunch of twisted tru- told a whole bunch of twisted truths and phrases, and, words, and, I- that I have said, he just twist them around to- in evil ways and just, like some, and just, try- he’s one of those that just- and trying to slander my good name… And, uh, worse off, and worse off, and worse off, and worse off…
Matthew: Okay, let me ask you… let me ask you something. Where were you, on 9/11? I mean, they say everybody remembers where they were on 9/11 when they heard that those towers were going down, when a plane had hit those towers, and THOUSANDS of people DIED.
Chris: Yeah… I do remember where I was on, uh, 9/11, yeah, I was a, I had just, uh, I was just, uh, let go, from uh, my job at, uh, Wendy’s, it was uh, for, there was some differences between me and my employer, you know, I… [trails off with a faint groan] Yeah, but anyway,
Matthew: Would you like to know where Kacey was? Would you like to know where Kacey was?
Chris: Okay, well, okay, well, if I may finish, if I may finish, yeah, I was-
Matthew: No. No, I’m sorry. No, no, Kacey was AT Ground Zero. She was giving BLOOD, and plasma, volunteering, and where were you again?
Chris: [Pause] Hm. Yeah, I was out shopping with my mom that day.
Matthew: …Uh-huh. Really. That’s…
Matthew: …That’s wonderful. Wait a minute, you said Wendy’s before. That… are you changing stories on me? H-have you been, like, changing stories on me through this entire call?
Chris: No, no I'm not changing-
Matthew: Are you just making shit up now?
Chris: No, I am not changing stories, this is the same story, I had just gotten fired from the Wendy's and I was feeling down, and I, I was feeling down…
Matthew: You'd been FIRED from Wendy's.
Chris: Yeah. I was, yeah, let go. I was let go from Wendy's, and I was sad, I was sad about that, you know, they gave me…
Chris: I told you! It was, it was because of, uh, emotional differences.
Matthew: Emotional differences.
Chris: Yeah, my, my, my employer, my…
Matthew: That's… this is absolutely nothing, that just sounds like a bunch of bullsheeit.
Chris: [heavy sigh]
Matthew: Also sounds a little GAY. [Chris stammers, splutters, and sighs in the background] I mean, what, did the fry cook break up with you or something? I mean, come on.
Chris: [short sigh] No! It was nothing, it was nothing like that! It was a misunderstanding, something…
Matthew: Why do you sigh so much? That's just irritating.
Chris: That was, that was, that was misunderstanding, that was just, there was a whole bunch of misunderstandings between me and my employer, and he, and he has, and he had, and he had, and he had a spike on his shoulder against me. And, and, and, and then, and then that was why he, and then that was why he eventually fired me…
Matthew: [has been trying to interrupt Chris's stammering for a while] WHAT KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS?
Chris: [long pause] Like I, like I did, like I did some things that he thought were bad but were, that he thought were bad but were actually good. And then he let, and then he, and then he let me, and then he let me go based on that. Anyway, yeah, I, anyway, this was a couple of days before 9/11 and I was still feeling down from being let go, and then, on 9/11 I was out shopping with my mother that day.
Maturity and Chores
Matthew: Good god, I mean, you sound like you're just, you sound like you're just some simpering little… your voice is all wavery… good lord. You want to date… YOU? You want to date my daughter? You're not even giving me an ounce of respect now.
Chris: Oh come, oh come, oh come on, I grew up a lot, I grew up a lot since then! [rapidly loses coherence] I've grown, I've grown up a lot, in sounds, in sounds, duetothegirl, and, sounds strite, sound, in sound mind.
Matthew: Goddamn. This just sounds like a bunch of fucking whining. You're not even, you don't even sound like half the man that other Chris sounds like at this point. You don't sound like you've grown up. You play fucking Pokeymon all the time!
Matthew: No, you didn't move from… you went from Pokémon to Sonichu. What the fuck? This is still just kid shit. You don't have a job. You're still living with your parents. Almost 30 years old. This is ridiculous. You want to date my daughter. You realize that she's LEAGUES above you right now. She's out of your reach.
Chris: [Getting a word in edgewise after many stammers] I have, I have, I have suffered through my own, through my own trials and tribulations that would be war-like. I have suffered through a whole bunch of… enduring physical pains as well. You just could not, you just could not imagine…
Matthew: [laughing] Physical pain! [more laughter] God, this is…
Chris: I have, I have worked myself to the bone a lot!
Matthew: This is ridiculous.
Chris: And I have, I have felt heartaches, and I have felt like…
Matthew: You don't know what physical pain feels like…
Chris: I have felt like I couldn't move on. But then, but then I still move on.
Matthew: …until you have taken a bullet in the fucking chest. I'm lucky to be alive. My comrade, one of my good buddies, he wasn't so lucky. He died right next to me. I carried him back…
Chris: [humbled] Yeah, well, well, yeah, that is, that was, that was very heroic and I commend you for that good sir.
Matthew: Sure. Yeah. I'm sure. You don't need to commend me. Now you're just kissing ass.
Chris: No! I am not just, I am not kissing ass!
Matthew: Okay. Well then. Alright. So really, okay… I have one more question, what do you have to offer my daughter, really? After I've heard all this, what exactly do you have to offer a future med student? She had a good fiancé, and now you think you can take her?
Chris: Yes I could, because I could offer, I can, I can offer her… a whole bunch of support that, that, that, that Chris could not offer. Like I am, I am, I am HONEST…
Matthew: Really? He's going to be published! He has a job lined up!
Chris: Like, I am honest, I am loyal, I am STRONG… good natured…
Matthew: Yeah, but this guy spoke several languages, he had connections in the comic-book industry, this guy could get a job right out of college, and you're mooching off the government, off of MY tax money! And you want to date my daughter. These two had so much in common, Kacey and Chris. She loved everything about him. And you? You just sit around, play with toys, and what, video games? Is that what you buy with your welfare money? Like Pokeyman shit?
Chris: I have not played with Pokémon for years, sir!
Matthew: Okay, so what do you play with?
Matthew: You denied Pokeyman, but you didn't deny video games.
Chris: Okay, yeah, I, okay, I have, I have, I have played some Gui-, I have played some Guitar Hero.
Matthew: Guitar Hero.
Matthew: What the hell is that?
Chris: I have to stand, I have to stand up to play, I have to stand up and play gitar.
Matthew: You have to stand up to play guitar! Oh, wow! That's… why don't you… that's just pathetic. You think that's exercise? Do you play a real guitar? I think the real Chris could play a real guitar.
Chris: [indignant] I work, I work hard for my father in his, in his gar-, in his gar-, in his garden! I pulled weeds! Those weeds are very hard to pull!
Matthew: Pulled weeds? My grandma pulled weeds! My grandma had arthritis and she pulled weeds every day!
Chris: [short sigh] Well, I'm sorry to hear that your grandma had ar-, had arthritis. But I, but I, I am, I am very strong sir. And I tell you, it was very hard and torturing work to pull, to pull, to, I was working under the hot hot sun, it was, those were very hot days!
Matthew: And you still look like a, I dunno, you look pretty fat to me. I mean, my Kacey, Kacey exercises. And she lost weight, she looks, you know, she looks wonderful. And you? I mean, do you even know… what is the hot sun? I've been in the Middle East. You don't know hot until you've been out in the fuckin' shit.
Chris: Okay, yes, okay, yes, I will agree with you that I cannot, I cannot understand heat, truly understand heat, until I'm truly in the middle of a desert. But still, it was, those were very hot days. And I pulled those weeds. And I even, I even, I even placed lumber around the edges of that garden, and I hammered labels of those flowers, and my, that my, that my father hand-wrote accurately, and figured, and, pat out the, and he showed me where to place them, I even helped him a little bit with placing them. And I placed, I hammered those labels hard into those pieces of lumber.
Matthew: That's, that just sounds like basic chores. Lumber, pulling weeds, on a good day I had to do 200 push-ups. And I saw those push-ups you did, whatever you call them. Push-ups? That's not push-ups. That was, I dunno, you looked like you were flopping around like a… fish. Actually kinda looked like you were humping the floor or something.
Chris: [unfazed] I even mowed the lawn!
Matthew: Mowed the lawn! [laughs] Wow.
Chris: Yeah, and again, those were very hot days, too. And sometimes the lawnmower would quit on me! And I'd have to practically kick-start it, with my foot, I had to kick it to start it up again!
Matthew: You know, I see seven-year-olds who mow lawns all day for a summer job. All day. All summer. They do it just, they handle it just fine, why can't you? Oh, yeah, and they get paid for it, might I add.
Chris: [Getting very angry at this point] Yeah, well, I was not, well, I was not paid for mowing the lawn. And also, you know what? Another heavy-duty burden I had to take care of, and that I wasn't paid for? When my dog died, a few years ago, she was a sweet dog, I moved, I lifted and carried her doghouse to the site where we buried her. Her doghouse. That thing had to weigh, like, five, ten tons.
Matthew: [laughs in disbelief]
Chris: It was very heavy! I carried that thing.
Death and Fake Internet Women
Matthew: [about to break down laughing] You're talking to me about how your dog died, you're talking about someone who has lost friends and family in national tragedies. My mother, I had… I had to deal with the loss of my mother, not to old age, but to… fucking… a plane by fucking… piloted by terrorists. My gran-, my mother was killed by terrorists.
Chris: Yeah. Yeah, my…
Matthew: And your… but, but your heavy burden is your dog died. I'm sorry, but boo, really, I've had dogs die, it sucks, but that's nothing… that's nothing…
Chris: Y'know, yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah, well, I was very sad when she died. It was not a matter of age, it was pretty much, yeah, she was very sickly, there was nothing we could do, so I, I signed that form to give them permission to put her to sleep. I let her, I let her go, that was an emotional burden on me. And I have, I have been, my aunt Corrina died just a few months, just a few months, just last January, because of, because of heart cancer.
Matthew: [laughs in disbelief] Are you, are you…
Chris: It was very, it was very saddening, I was very…
Matthew: I'm sorry, are you messing with me? Are you trying to compare the loss of my mother, the loss of someone who took care of me for years, to a dog? Are you calling my mother a dog?
Chris: I am not calling your mother a dog.
Matthew: [stress sigh of his own] I had to dig my mother out of the rubble of the Twin Towers. I mean, and you had to lift a doghouse.
Chris: Yeah, well, I'll tell you, that doghouse was heavier than any tombstone. And that doghouse pretty much was the tombstone!
Matthew: Sounds like you're fucking with me now.
Chris: I am not! I am being very HONEST with you sir! I'm telling you the honest truth from my, from my sound mind and my sound heart.
Matthew: I'm starting to, I'm starting to really kinda doubt this whole honesty thing you keep talking about. How do you think, how do you think Kacey would feel if I told her about this? What do you think, how do you think she would feel about you comparing this whole lifting a 30-, 50-pound doghouse to maybe a 100-, 200-pound tombstone? That doghouse was probably, what, made of wood? This is solid rock!
Chris: No, it was, it was, no, I mean, yeah, this is, it was wood and plastic, that thing had to weigh over a hundred pounds!
Matthew: Plastic's pretty light, you know. I'm sorry, this is, this isn't even close to the same.
Chris: [heavy sigh]
Matthew: And that's just, that's just that… you know, if you had told this to Kacey, she would probably be, she would be so angry. You're just totally grasping at straws at this point.
Chris: [mutters under his breath] Yeah, well, also I've been to a whole bunch of this, also, to go off talk, off-topic a bit, or going back to an old topic, that I have been DECEIVED BY THE TROLLS! A bunch of them pretending to be women who I thought were honest over the Internet when I was talking to them for the first time for a while!
Matthew: WHO GIVES A SHIT about the Internet?
Chris: And some, and some of them, and some of them were actually, and some of them were actually two honest women…
Matthew: BE A MAN…
Matthew: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE!
Chris: I, I… I may not admit, okay, well, yes…
Matthew: Wait, wait, didn't you say, fake women? Did you say that these women were fake? So wait, these women were probably fake… fake women died?
Chris: [in a state of great consternation] I didn't, I didn't… no! I'm talking about, no, two of them, a coup-, a few of them were real women.
Matthew: And how many of these women have you gone through?
Chris: I have not been able to go to them. But one, there was this one time where I actually thought it was a woman, and I actually drove a whole, a whole, a whole day's worth back and forth, almost 24 hours, from my house to Cleveland, Ohio, where it turned out that was, that was, that was a bad lead. I drove a whole, I drove a whole, almost 20, I drove from five in the morning to 12 o'clock, to about, just after about, after midnight. To find out that the destination was a bad one, and that was, that was an imposterous troll.
Matthew: So you went to go to… Ohio, for a fake woman, but my Kacey just told me that you won't go and visit her, a real woman?
Chris: I, I, I, I… [angry, incoherent stammering]
Matthew: I am looking at Kacey right now.
Chris: But you're in…
Matthew: You wouldn't even go to D.C., that's like two hours away. And you've met her before, for God's sake?
Chris: Yeah, well, I mean, I was more naïve, I was more naïve back then, but I am very less naïve now. I have been very less naïve for about, for about a year now.
Matthew: I am not convinced.
Chris: [snapping] OH COME ON. YOU SHOULD BE CONVINCED!
More Shit Hits the Fan
Matthew: [Laughing with frustration] "Oh come on"? You know who, you know who you're talking to, son? What the fuck is this? Now you're just talking back to me like a little kid. Don't yell at me, you maggot! Piece of shit.
Chris: Yeah, well, yeah, you, you're obviously talking to me like, as if I was a child. And I am not a child.
Matthew: Because you are a child, you're acting like a child.
Chris: I am not a child, I am a MAN. I am a STRONG MAN. I have been through a whole bunch of emotional and physical traumas in my life!
Matthew: You haven't proven a thing to me, you've shown me nothing that could even possibly suggest that you are a man.
Chris: Well, sometimes my memory fails me!
Matthew: You're just sitting around in your parents' house, crying about your little dog, playing video games, whining about women on the Internet. Some lazy little maggot…
Chris: [Full-blown tard rage erupts] I AM NOT, I AM NOT LAZY!
Matthew: You're living with your parents and you don't have a job, how is that not lazy?!
Chris: Well, maybe I, maybe I don't have a job, but I do work around the house! I lift a whole bunch of…
Matthew: Chores! I do those every day, and I'm retired!
Chris: They're not just chores! They're not just chores.
Matthew: Yes-they-are! EVERYONE works around the house.
Chris: Maybe everyone works around the house, but they don't, they differ from burden to burden to… [stress sigh]… heavy weights! I mean…
Matthew: I've seen, you know, I was looking around that YouTube, I saw a video of your house. It's a FUCKING MESS! You call that working around the house? Are you trying to be, and you're trying to be some kind of house-husband or something?
Chris: Well, most of that mess belongs to my mother and I can't really, I can't really organize it without her being able to help me, without her being able to point out where to put everything!
Matthew: Oh, it's your mom's fault. That's real mature.
Chris: She's a, well, okay, yeah, I admit, she's a bit of a pack rat. And since she retired from secretarial work, she's been more lazy, I'll admit that.
Matthew: But your room is a mess, too. What do you have to say about that? I mean, this is nothing. At this rate…
Chris: [On the edge of tears] It may be nothing, it may be, it may be nothing…
Matthew: You're a pack rat too.
Chris: I am not a, I am not that bad of a pack rat. I mean, I even brought, I even brought a bunch, I even brought practically all that stuff into the house. And I had to bring in a couch and I had to bring in the hutch, among other pieces of furniture, among the smaller pieces of stuff, smaller bunches of junk that my mom got! That's a lot, that's a lot of heavy lifting. And it was very hard.
Matthew: Who doesn't have to push furniture? All this stuff you're talking about, these heavy burdens sound like stuff everybody has to do at least at some point. This is nothing, this is just regular, everyday housework. This isn't real work. This is chores.
Chris: I… oh! And you don't think…!
Matthew: This is kids' stuff.
Chris: Oh, and you don't think carrying your soldier friend on your back was a heavy burden… That was a heavy burden!
Matthew: What… what the fu… are you mocking me?!
Chris: I am not mocking you!
Matthew: Is this… are you comparing…
Chris: I'm just, I'm just pointing out, I'm just pointing out that what you did was a heavy burden under…
Matthew: I don't know even know what to say to this!
Chris: Yeah, I mean, that is, yeah, that is a heavy burden because you were fighting to save, you were fighting to save your friend's life…
Matthew: Kacey, c'mon, come over here. You gotta listen to this guy. This is great.
Kacey: Oh, what's up, daddy?
Matthew: What is… I mean… this guy is just fucking with me…
Kacey: Daddy, you sound mad, what's wrong?
Matthew: This guy's just fucking with me, he's not even, he's not even respecting me at all. He's a disrespectful…
Kacey: What, he's disrespecting you? What is he doing?
Matthew: I don't know, he's just talking about all this faggot kiddie shit. How he has to move chairs and do, oh no, housework! And he's comparing that to when your grandma died.
Kacey: He's WHAT?
Matthew: Yeah. I mean, he's talking about all these "heavy burdens" he's had to face, you know, saying it's a heavy burden, kind of like… of course, you remember when we lost grandma…
Kacey: Oh my God, I know, I had to volunteer just to get my mind off it…
Matthew: This guy has nothing to offer you.
Chris: [combative] I have a lot to offer her!
Chris: I have plenty to offer her!
Matthew: Like what?!
Kacey: Don't yell at my father like that! You need to respect him, he's a retired Marine!
Chris: [sigh] I do respect your father, Kacey.
Kacey: Well, you need to be nice to him! What are you going to do if he doesn't like you?
Chris: [sigh] I mean, I want, I was being nice to him, but then he started to insult me, he was talking down to me like as if I was a child, when I'm an adult.
Matthew: I already don't like…
Kacey: Chris! He's way older than you! He's your elder! To him, you are a child! I'm a child to him!
Chris: Okay, well, I guess in compar-, I guess in comparison, yeah, that is true. But I just don't like being talked, I just feel, I just basically, just turns me off when I'm talked down to and such. I mean, I have to put up with my father talking down to me and such, and he starts more arguments than there are flies in the garbage dump!
Kacey: Okay, but my father doesn't get angry easily.
Chris: [heavy sigh]
Kacey: You can't act like a child like that! He is your elder! You're trying to ask him PERMISSION.
Kacey: What are you doing?
Chris: Well… yeah…
Chris: Yeah… [heavy sigh] Yeah. [more sighing] I apologize, Matthew. I apologize for talking back to you. I just got, I got, I got carried away. Especially from feeling like I was being talked down to. Mm… I mean, surely, yeah, you can understand that, I'm sure your father talked down to you, you, even when you were about my age. And I do not mean to insult you or your father, I just felt like it was a fair compar-, I just felt like it was a good comparison there, but anyway. I apologize for yelling at you, and raising my voice.
Matthew: I don't even know how you think you can call me by my name right now.
Matthew: I don't believe a goddamn word you just said. I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry, actually.
Chris: Well… believe it or not, it is the whole, honest truth, that I have been telling you this whole time.
Matthew: Honest. [snort] If that's the truth, I'm afraid to say you're pretty fucked. You're just using people from the Internet as scapegoats for your problems. And you were lying when you first met Kacey. That's what I've gotten about this. You… are not good enough for my daughter. Chris, on the other hand, has my blessing.
Chris: [massive stress sigh]
Literature and Health
Matthew: And if the Internet is such a problem for you, I mean, just get rid of it. What do you have to do? Just call up whoever it is, AOL, whatever it is you use, just call 'em and say "I don't want the Internet anymore." That's all you have to do. You don't need it for anything. Go to a library!
Chris: Yeah, well, I have a bunch… yeah, well, I have a bunch of ties on the Internet and for your information I do go to libraries. I read a lot of books.
Matthew: Really? What was the last book you read?
Chris: The last book I read… was To Kill a Mockingbird.
Matthew: That's high-school shit.
Chris: You call this high-school, I call it adult, I call it…
Matthew: Kacey read that in high school, Kacey read that as a freshman in high school.
Chris: I call it adult drama.
Matthew: An adult drama.
Chris: Yeah. It was very dramatic, and I felt for the characters in that, in that story, just like I feel for every character, all the characters in the stor-, in the stories that I have read, throughout my whole life.
Matthew: So what exactly did you learn from this book?
Chris: [long pause] I… have… learned… that I have to be able to cope and be patient with, with a, with everybody who makes, a whole lot of people that may appear to be impatient or that could be hard to put up with. Like George had to put up with Lennie throughout the story. I mean, I'd say that's…
Matthew: That's Of Mice and Men.
Chris: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting my stories mixed up. Yeah. Yeah. To Kill a Mockingbird. Yeah.
Matthew: Yeeeaaaaah… did you even read this book?
Chris: Yes I did! The dramatic story, the story about that girl who was living with her family throughout the Depression and there was that guy in the store who was nice enough to leave her gifts in the tree trunk. That was like, that was definitely a story of, like, definitely, you know, be kind to your neighbor and they'll, and they'll, and they'll be kind to you. That's still another kind of, another, it's another story where you have to learn to be patient…
Matthew: That doesn't sound like the American classic that I know. I'm sorry. This is… just sounds like a bunch of horseshit. Do you remember the court scene?
Chris: I'm sorry, the what?
Matthew: The court scene in the book? That was pretty big, it was a pretty major part of the book. Do you even remember who Atticus Finch was? That was probably the pivotal moment of the book.
Chris: Atticus… hm… Atticus… hm, I do believe that was the lawyer in that story.
Matthew: Yesss… man, you call yourself smart? You aren't smart enough for Kacey. When did you read this?
Chris: I… I've read it, about a month ago.
Matthew: A month ago.
Matthew: You know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.
Chris: [Rage button pushed] Stuff… candy… don't… I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! I stuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots!
Matthew: Wooooowww! [laughs] What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, I don't even know what the hell…
Chris: I eat and drink healthy.
Matthew: And you look like that. You don't even know what I just said, do you? You completely missed that I was, that little analogy back there.
Chris: No, no, I…
Matthew: Kacey says you eat McDonald's. You say you eat healthy, but you eat at McDonald's?
Chris: I have a, I have salads over at McDonald's. And I drink the lemonade over there.
Matthew: That lemonade is full of sugar. You know, Chris is, Chris is fit, I've seen that man, he has rock-hard abs. That guy makes a Marine proud. And he can cook, he doesn't go to McDonald's because he doesn't need to.
Chris: Well, I can cook too! And sometimes I do cook!
Matthew: You know, he and Kacey like to go running together. Why don't you go running with Kacey, rather than sitting around eating fast food all day?
Chris: I do go out, I do go out for jogs, sir. I do go out jogging. And if Kacey was here I would be happy to go jogging with her. Or even running, I'd be happy to do that as well.
Matthew: You think you could do five miles like Kacey and Chris do? Five miles?
Matthew: That's a brisk jog.
Chris: Yes, I could do five miles with Kacey.
Matthew: Someone who looks like you can run five miles? I'm sorry, that's bullshit.
Chris: You're…[angry sigh]
Matthew: You look like you couldn't even do five seconds running. In fact, I was watching, I was watching those push-ups, you got winded after… that was thirty seconds of push-ups and you were sweating like a pig.
Chris: [indignant] Well, wouldn't you sweat?
Matthew: I don't… with that much…? Fuck, that's nothing.
Chris: WARRIORS, WARRIORS…
Matthew: I'm a Marine. Not after… a few push-ups like that? That's nothing. Okay, but… how much and how often do you jog? I sweat maybe… maybe after, I don't know, ten miles on a hot day.
Chris: I have been jogging for about fifteen minutes on a daily basis.
Matthew: Fifteen minutes. So you go… you go, what, a quarter of a mile and you call it quits? That's pussy shit. And that's just jogging. Kacey could run, Kacey runs for at least an hour.
Chris: Well, that's good.
Matthew: Five miles is like a two-hour jog, you know.
Chris: Yeah, well, I have a, I have a whole bunch of potential, I can run five miles with Kacey.
Matthew: I would love to see that. I mean, why don't you? You can't… you say you could. You're just saying you have potential. That doesn't sell me. You can't sell me with "potential." Why don't you run five miles, and maybe, maybe I'll think otherwise.
Chris: It would be hard to video, to video-record five mile running. But I can run five miles, with Kacey.
Matthew: You can?
Chris: Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!
Matthew: But why with Kacey, though, why can't you just do it on your own? You have a camera, don't you? It wouldn't be so hard to just hold a camera and run, would it? That's easily, easily do-able.
Chris: Yeah, well…
Matthew: Why don't you just figure out how to do that? You said you're good with computers. I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a Windows is.
Chris: You barely know what a Windows is?
Matthew: Don't… [sputters]… don't patronize me.
Chris: I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?
Matthew: What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that. I could figure out how to hold a camera and fuckin' run for five miles. That's… how could you not figure out how to do that?
Chris: Yeah, well, think about this, do you think the batteries would be able to last five miles?
Matthew: Running? Shit. You're running, you're not jogging, it's not gonna take two hours.
Chris: Yeah, well, still, yeah, well… yeah, well, I can't…
Matthew: Besides, think of it as a time limit of some sort, you know? You gotta run fast enough so you can get all of it in before the batteries run out. That would take like… half an hour at most. Batteries last that long.
Chris: Alright, you want a half hour running? I'll be happy to do a half hour of running with my digital camera.
Matthew: [laughs] Fine. Show me.
Chris: Alright, I will.
Matthew: Until then, until then, you are not good enough for Kacey. You are just a maggot.
Chris: Well. You may call me a maggot, but I'm a pretty dang strong one.
Matthew: I'm gonna go talk to Kacey, I gotta tell her, you do not deserve Kacey. Kacey lifts more than you, how does that feel? The strong man outdone by a woman.
Chris: Well I may not feel pleasant, if that was the case, then I could not say I did not try.
Chris: But I…
Liquid Chris and Minimum Wage Jobs
Matthew: While you're at it, you don't, you don't try, if you had tried you would have gotten out of your house, you would have gotten a job, you would have… you would be like Chris.
Chris: [long pause] Yeah, well, I am much stronger and I am much better than Chris.
Matthew: I don't think so.
Chris: Oh, yes I am!
Matthew: But why don't you have, you don't have a job! You're not stronger than Chris, you're not smarter than Chris.
Chris: I am stronger and I am smarter than Chris!
Matthew: You're not living on your own. How can you even say that? And he's younger than you!
Chris: I say that because it's true.
Matthew: I don't think so.
Chris: You do not think so… you may not think so…
Matthew: I was so happy, when Kacey said she was going to marry Chris. But then, I don't know, he vanished or something, I don't know what happened…
Chris: Yeah, that would be the point where he made his video on YouTube where he pretended he was being kidnapped and then that's where he hid away for a number of, for a few months.
Matthew: Yeah, and that devastated her. You don't know how much she missed him.
Chris: I do, I do, because she has shared that with me.
Matthew: I mean, I would much rather believe him…
Chris: She has shared that with me and I have comforted the her. I have emotionally supported her.
Matthew: I don't think she… she wasn't nearly that, I don't think she was nearly as happy as when the police finally called her about that. I think you're just trying to get, I think you're just trying to get my little Kacey for a booty call.
Chris: Believe me sir, it would not just be for a booty call, it would be for a strong relationship with all the loyalty and trust and honesty that a woman can ever want. [shifts to a momentous tone, half under his breath] EVER.
Matthew: But you can't even move out. She needs a man, a man who can support himself and keep a job. You got fired from Wendy's, most people quit because it sucks. You got FIRED. You weren't GOOD ENOUGH for Wendy's. What are you gonna do, what are you gonna do if she gets pregnant and she can't work?
Chris: If she gets pregnant and can't work, then I would be working. I would be working VERY HARD AND HEAVILY.
Matthew: What kind of job?
Chris: If I have to I would be, get one of the heavyweights, that just moves the boxes around the, stock the shelves at a grocery store. At the least. If not better.
Matthew: That makes minimum wage at best. That's not a real job. You know how much minimum wage is?
Chris: At the current rate, it's about $8 an hour.
Matthew: That's not good enough! Get a good job! You can't live off that! Especially after taxes.
Chris: Yeah, well, I can get a good job, and I will.
Matthew: If you want to do lifting, you go work in a warehouse or something. And last I checked, minimum wage was $7.25.
Chris: [takes a contemptuous tone] Huh! You must have checked, no offense, but you must have checked like five years ago. [In fact, Matt is correct.]
Matthew: And how would you know? You don't have a job!
Chris: Because it was over five years ago, I was working for that minimum wage, and that was $7.50.
Matthew: That wasn't minimum wage.
Chris: Yes it was. And that was back at Wa-Wendy's!
Matthew: You know you can get paid more at jobs than minimum wage? I just looked it up right now, it says $7.25.
Chris: Hm. Maybe that's average minimum wage.
Matthew: Don't lie to me. Look…
Chris: I am not lying to you.
Matthew: Kacey, come on, Kacey, come over here, listen to this horseshit, listen to this horseshit.
Chris: [heavy sigh]
Kacey: What's wrong now, Daddy?
Matthew: What's this he's talking about… minimum wage is $7.25, right?
Kacey: Yeah. It went up in July, I remember because it was around my birthday.
Matthew: This guy's lying again. Why is it… I'm looking right here on this webpage, that's exactly what it says.
Kacey: Yeah, it happened on July 24, that was like…
Matthew: Why does this guy keep lying to me? How do I know that anything he says is true?
Chris: I stand corrected! I stand corrected. On current minimum wage.
Matthew: Don't argue with me.
Respect and Listening Skills
Kacey: Is he being disrespectful again, Daddy?
Matthew: He's always been… he's been disrespectful this whole time.
Chris: [heavy sigh] I have not been lying!
Matthew: When Kacey says it, when Kacey says it you believe it now.
Kacey: I just don't understand.
Matthew: I don't understand either.
Chris: I can't say I'm in full understanding either.
Kacey: That doesn't even make sense. Like, I shouldn't have to pick up the other line and have to hear this. I mean, what are you doing, are you trying to sabotage this?
Chris: No. Just, throughout, throughout this whole conversation I have been telling the honest truth, from memory. As far as I know.
Kacey: Okay, but this doesn't make sense. Like, Chris charmed my dad within five minutes. Why are you still fighting with him? Why are you lying to my father?
Chris: I have not been lying to your father. I have been telling him the truth throughout my best and honest knowledge. From my heart and from my head.
Kacey: What are you wanting me to think, that you're dumb or something?
Chris: I… wh… no. [pause] I, I… [drowned out by Kacey]
Kacey: Well, then what's going on?! Why does my dad look so upset? I haven't seem him this upset in a long time.
Chris: Well, I can't read, I cannot read his mind, so…
Kacey: Well, no, no-one expects you to, but you could be respectful to him.
Chris: Yeah, um, I mean, yeah, I was doing my best to be respectful. But then… and then he started, he started…
Kacey: My Dad is not going to lie to me, and obviously whenever I get on the phone you're calm and everything, so is something going on when I'm not on the phone? Like are you being two-faced?
Chris: No, I am not being two-faced. I have been one-f-, I have been the one-faced this whole conversation. I swear, hand to God.
Kacey: You shouldn't do that, we don't swear to God, and my dad wouldn't lie to me.
Matthew: One-faced side of bullshit.
Chris: Yeah, he's been contradicting me, and talking to me in a negative way…
Kacey: Okay, you guys, I'm going to go. Talk nice.
Chris: I have been, I have been, I was talking nice. And then he started contradicting me with those words, like, yeah, and, uh, hm, and put, and putting me down, like even call, even call, even calling me a pussy, or, among other things. And then that, and then that just… grinded my gears.
Matthew: You know, Kacey is gone. She's not listening right now. She didn't hear anything you just said.
Chris: [heavy sigh]
Portal Turret: Target lost.
Matthew: Stop sighing so much.
Chris: Well, I'm speechless at the moment.
Matthew: Didn't you just hear, she… hear her say she was getting off?
Chris: Uhh… hear her say she was getting off?
Matthew: Do you pay attention to anything? Ever? To the words that I am saying?
Chris: I, I'm, I do pay attention. But I, I did not hear "I'm getting off."
Matthew: This is… this, do you even listen to her at all? How can you be a good boyfriend? You don't listen to anything.
Chris: I, I do, I do listen! And I, and ob-, obviously, she must have said it in a quiet tone, because I did not hear it. [Actually, Chris was talking over her at the time, but never mind.]
Matthew: But this is… she was pretty upset. She wasn't that quiet.
Chris: W… well, I'm sorry she's upset.
Matthew: And now, what I'm saying right now, is that before you can say you are better than Chris, you need to get a job, you need to move out from your parents, you need to be independent. You need to show me that you're a man. And you… you also have to have the ability to not lie to me. I'm getting all tongue-tied, because… just… you don't know how frustrating this is. I mean, I haven't done that in years.
Chris: Yes, I agree with you, this is frustrating.
Matthew: And you are lucky her mother isn't here.
Chris: And I pro-, and I send… I promise you. I have not been lying.
Matthew: How is this, how is this frustrating to you? You sound like you just have the easiest life in the world.
Chris: Because, because, because, because you're, because you're frustrated, and your frustration is reflecting onto me and it's making me feel frustrated. It's making me feel frustrated.
Chris's Pathetic Life and Diseased Ticker
Matthew: You sit around… what are you going to do after this? You're gonna go home, you're gonna go play video games again or something?
Chris: That is not my life.
Matthew: Isn't it?
Chris: It's a lot, it's a lot more than that. I do a lot more than…
Matthew: Oh, yeah, I forgot, you do chores, too.
Chris: See, this, you know, this is why I was talking to Kacey about…
Matthew: You talk and you get angry at people on the Internet who you've never seen before.
Chris: Yeah, see, right now you're just… you're just saying some, saying some of the things that sit aside from the good for me, honest, from, aside from the good things, yeah, everything I've said, I have been, I have been very honest about, and you're just taking the bad pieces that can, you're just taking some of that honesty and you're just reflecting it onto me and, you're just making it sound bad. Like it's a bad thing. And that makes me feel bad.
Matthew: It IS a bad thing. What good qualities do you have that aren't LIES? You started this whole relationship on a lie. My daughter doesn't deserve that. And now you're blaming me for all this that's going on.
Matthew: Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!
Chris: Yeah, fuck it, I'm gonna, could you just, look, okay, well, you did not let me say that…
Matthew: You just met me.
Chris: Yeah, okay, well, I'm talking to you over the phone, that is [dissolves into gibberish momentarily]…
Matthew: You don't… it just sounds like you don't want to admit any of your faults. You just…
Chris: I am, I am happy to admit my faults.
Chris: Yes. Okay, well, for one, sometimes, I don't think things through and I make, end up in the decision I thought was good at first may end up being the bad decision.
Matthew: O… kay?
Chris: But yeah, I have been improving on that and thinking things through fully. Making sure that…
Matthew: Everyone does that, everyone, you know, makes a mistake every now and then. Okay?
Chris: Yeah, well…
Matthew: Let's start with something easy. Let's tell me… Tell me… How about you admit that you're, well, okay, I'll just say it. FAT. And lazy.
Chris: Okay, well, I admit I do have a Buddha belly, but I am not lazy, I do get out and about, I exercise, I jog and work out, and I eat healthy.
Matthew: Doesn't show at all. How often do you watch TV? And you said you jog for fifteen minutes. That's… that's not gonna burn calories.
Chris: Yeah, well, I'm working up to thirty minutes.
Matthew: Thirty minutes. And compared to… how does this compare to how much TV you watch?
Chris: For your information, I watch only about four hours of television.
Matthew: Four hours of television.
Chris: In a day.
Matthew: A day. That… I don't think that's true. That just doesn't sound, you kinda paused right there? You sound like you actually had to think about it for a second. I don't think that's true.
Chris: Well, when I had to count it up, I did have to think about it. But yes, it is true, I watch four hours of television in a day.
Matthew: Four hours, that's still quite a bit, hasn't Kacey told you anything about how important it is to take care of yourself?
Chris: Yes, we have, we have talked about that. And I have listened to her about that, and I have been taking the appropriate steps and abiding with her words in mind and heeding her advice as such.
Matthew: Really… Because she's still pretty worried about you, she says. She think something's gonna happen to you, you know. She thinks it's not looking good. And didn't she, she told me you were on Lipitor?
Matthew: I mean, I know about that stuff. That's something people my age take. I don't take it myself, but I know people who do.
Chris: Yeah, well, for your information, my doctor got me off, took me off Lipitor a couple of months ago.
Matthew: I still don't think you… You still don't sound like you're terribly healthy. Okay, watching TV aside, and you play video games, how long do you do that a day, huh? I mean, with how much you sit around, your metabolism must not be so hot.
Chris: How long… Do I sit around? I would not say that I sit around that much. I would say…
Matthew: And play… Okay, how much do you play video games?
Chris: About two hours in a day.
Matthew: Two hours a day.
Matthew: Okay, so that's at least six hours you spend sitting around doing absolutely nothing in your room. That's a quarter of a day. In six hours you could have worked a part-time job.
Chris: Yeah, well, I, but, the time I do not spend in front of the television is the time I spend exercising. That's about half of the day.
Matthew: You do not spend half of a day exercising. If you spent half a day exercising, you would have at least lost that little Buddha belly and those man-tits of yours.
Chris: Okay, now I'm feeling insulted with those, with what you just said there.
Matthew: And you just told me fifteen minutes, so you're lying again.
Chris: Yeah, well, maybe, yeah, well, fifteen minutes jogging, upon the pacing of the spacing of the jogging.
Matthew: Okay, so you don't even run fifteen minutes altogether, at one time?
Chris: It's fifteen, they're, fifteen minutes, they're fifteen-minute intervals, like I do fifteen minutes in one hour, then the next hour I do another fifteen minutes of jogging.
Matthew: But that doesn't help you at all. All that… That means there's 45 minutes of you doing nothing every hour. By then your heart rate has gone down, the exercise is gonna do nothing for you.
Chris: My heart rate has been, has been good.
Chris: I can guarantee that.
Matthew: Do you even know what you're talking about?
Chris: Yes, I do, I am talking…
Matthew: Do you even know how to check your heart rate?
Chris: Yes I do.
Matthew: Okay, how?
Chris: I put my fingers on my pulse, count the number of beats through ten seconds, and then I multiply by six. That's, that's…
Matthew: Where do you check for your pulse?
Chris: Put two fingers on my wrist or on my neck. Or put it on my chest where my heart is.
Matthew: Okay, so what's a good heart rate for you?
Chris: About seventy-two beats per minute.
Matthew: Seventy-two beats per minute.
Chris: To about a hundred beats per minute.
Matthew: Uh-huh. So what's your heart rate right now?
Chris: Alright… [long silence] Alright, let me find that… yeah. It's approximately, it is approximately eighty-four right now.
Matthew: Eighty-four from just sitting around?
Kacey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I've been listening. Chris, that's a serious medical condition. What are you talking about? Normally your heart doesn't beat that fast unless you've done exercise.
Chris: Yeah, well, right, you know, well, I did get a little bit of stress from some of the conversation.
Kacey: Stress doesn't do that. That's like a serious medical condition. And I heard you talk to my dad, you don't listen to anything I say when I worry about you. You still go to McDonald's, and I told you those salads aren't healthy. I bet you haven't even lost one pound. Don't you care that I think you're gonna die? [Chris stammers briefly in response] That you're probably going to lose motion in your body if you don't exercise enough? This is important to me!
Chris: Yeah. It is.
Kacey: What're you going to do? You're gonna die before you're thirty.
Chris: [pause] Hm. [pause, then sigh]
Kacey: If anything, that means you have way too much caffeine in your system. If you have something that high. That's either, you can get that from smoking, from too much fat, from too much caffeine…
Chris: Hm. Yeah.
Kacey: [Her voice breaks, on the verge of crying.] It's like you don't even care! Dad was right, you are being disrespectful!
Chris: [Attempting to sound empathetic] Kacey, I do care. [sigh] Even though, even though it may not, even though it may shot 'n I've shot, I do care. Believe me.
Kacey: Yeah. Because it's that hard for you to stop going to McDonald's. But you've still been going. Right?
Chris: I have been going less.
Kacey: It's not like I didn't… Less is not none! Fast food is bad! Period at the end!
Chris: [On the defensive] Yeah, but that was like once a week! Once in a week!
Kacey: Once a week is bad! Don't eat any! None!
Chris: Alright, I won't go there anymore. I won't go McDonald's anymore.
Kacey: Or any fast food!
Chris: Alright. I will not go to any fast food, I…
Kacey: Whatever. It's not like you haven't lied to me before. You're just probably lying to me now. Dad, I can't deal with this anymore…
Chris: I'M NOT LYING TO YOU! I promise you! I promise you! I promise you, Kacey. I promise you.
Matthew: She's gone again.
Chris: [stress sigh]
Chris Blows It, but He's an American!
Matthew: She was pretty, ah… let's say you just blew it, man. She was— She was crying right there. You just fuckin' blew it. Big-time.
Chris: [deep sigh]
Matthew: I just heard the door slam. I wouldn't be surprised if she goes and calls Chris.
Chris: Hmph. Well…
Matthew: What do you have to say for yourself? [Long silence ensues]
Chris: Well, all I can say is… that's your opinion, and you have every right to your own opinion.
Matthew: It's not my opinion. It just happened. What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about facts.
Chris: Yeah, you're talking about— Yes, you are talking about facts, but you have expressed a whole bunch of your own opinions about what you've heard from me the whole conversation.
Matthew: And that's all you have to say about the fact that you just upset my daughter? What are you…
Chris: That's my response— That's my response about you, but as for Kacey, you know, I just feel— I just feel very sad for her.
Matthew: I don't care what you have to say about me. This is about— You should care about Kacey, not me! You have to do something big.
Chris: I care about Kacey. I really, truly do.
Matthew: Okay. But if you want my opinion right now, I think you should stay away from my daughter. Unless you really, really turn around your life. You're not even close to Chris right now. You have to do something big to get her back. You have to get a job, at the very least. Lose, I dunno, fifty pounds. Move out. Then I might consider you, maybe.
Matthew: And you have to keep your promises, because she says you never do.
Chris: I do keep my promises.
Matthew: And I think she should be with her real fiancé right now. [Long silence] I mean, he treats her like a princess. You treat her like… a set of tits and ass.
Chris: No, I treat her like a princess as well. I treat her, more importantly… as a friend… a true friend, a good friend…
Matthew: That doesn't sound like it at all.
Chris: You don't know. I mean…
Matthew: I do know, because she talks to me.
Chris: Okay, well… points of view.
Matthew: I can't even stand your voice. So whiny, all this sighing, it's like a baby. You'll never be as good as Chris at this rate.
Chris: I am a lot better than Chris. Belieeeeeeeeve me.
Matthew: You're not even a functioning human. You're leeching off my government.
Chris: I have a functioning image…
Matthew: I met Chris in real life, he's an upstanding young man. How are you better than this?
[Portal can again be heard faintly in the background]
Matthew: Don't tell— Don't tell me you're an American.
[Portal can again be heard]
Chris: I was born in America, I was raised in America my whole life, I never left the United States of America.
Matthew: You can't tell me you're patriotic… if you were patriotic, you wouldn't even have thought about making that video, that 9/11 video. I still can't believe why you made that. It doesn't matter. You don't… do that! You're not acting like a patriot, you're acting more like a terrorist.
Chris: Well, I'm sorry I gave off that impression. At least I— At least I was man enough to admit I was wrong and I am. I did my best to undo the mistake by deleting my video and making the apology.
Matthew: You know, Chris and Kacey are Americans, too. And "sorry" doesn't undo the fact that you made that video.
Love and Memories
Chris: It may not, but at least I admitted I was wrong. And it takes a man to admit when he is wrong.
Matthew: And you still made it. You… you're not a man. Stop trying to call yourself a man. I mean, it takes a real man to change, and you haven't.
Chris: I do change my habits. I have been changing my habits. And I have been better from the habits I have changed.
Matthew: That's a lie. You haven't done shit.
Chris: I… I have done a lot more than you can, than you are thinking right now. Or that you could ever think at this moment.
Matthew: You said you stopped at a McDonald's, and you didn't… That's such a simple little thing, and you still lied about it. You can't stop eating fast food. What makes you think you can turn around and get a job and stop leeching off the government? And stop lying to Kacey?
Chris: [pauses] Because… I am me, I have faith in me, and I am strong within myself.
Matthew: I bet you don't even love Kacey.
Chris: I do love Kacey!
Matthew: I bet if Kacey left you right now, right this very moment, you would… you'd probably cry, for maybe just a couple seconds, then you'd go out and find another girl on the Internet.
Matthew: Wouldn't you? And even if you do love Kacey, you don't love Kacey nearly as much as Chris loves Kacey.
Chris: I do love Kacey, truly and deeply. And I care about her, about that much, probably more.
Matthew: And so does Chris, and he can prove it, so why don't you? You can't even stop eating McDonald's for her.
Chris: [pauses] I can so prove it, and I will.
Matthew: God. You know, he knows her favorite color, and her favorite flower. I'm sure you don't.
Chris: Her favorite color is "tarquoise".
Matthew: Turquoise? That's… that's wrong.
Matthew: Okay, favorite flower.
Chris: [sigh] I cannot say that I, I cannot say that I remember her favorite flower at the moment.
Matthew: Aha. Really.
Chris: It could have been maybe because she did not mention her favorite flower yet. But she did tell me her favorite color. It was a shade, it was a blue-green shade. So turquoise is close.
Matthew: Can you remember anything? Okay, I bet you don't even remember some of the stuff I just said today. You probably don't even remember who in my family dies in 9/11, do you? I just said that, what, half an hour ago?
Chris: You, you said that your daughter, that your daughter was giving blood in New York, right by the 9/11 site.
Matthew: Okay, but who DIED, who of my family died in 9/11?
Chris: The grandma.
Matthew: My grandma?
Chris: Her grandmother.
Matthew: Who is?
Chris: You did not mention her name.
Matthew: No… [exasperated sigh]… no, okay, her grandmother, who is my…?
Chris: Your mother.
Matthew: How long did that just take you? Good boy! God, this is just like talking to a preschooler.
Crossing the Naïve Line (1:46:21-1:52:41)
Chris: I'm sorry, talking to a what?
Matthew: A preschooler. God. This is… Man. You can't have Kacey, with this kind of, this is just ridiculous. I can't believe I'm talking to someone who's so… naïve.
Chris: [angry intake of breath] You just crossed a line. You just crossed a line. By saying the word "naïve." That is like the worst insult to me…
Matthew: What line?
Chris: 'A line'… you crossed the line. You've just… you just really ticked me off right there when you said that.
Matthew: What're you gonna do about it?
Chris: Nothing at the moment.
Matthew: "Nothing at the moment?"
Chris: Because I can't really do anything, I'm not right there in front of you, now, am I? I'm talking to you over the phone. The only thing I could do right now is let you know that you just crossed a line. By saying that word.
Matthew: Are you… wait, wait, wait a minute, are you trying to threaten me? You trying to threaten an ex-Marine?
Chris: No, I… no, I am not threatening you, I am not threatening you. I am in no position to threaten an ex-Marine. And I understand that, and I respect you as such.
Matthew: Okay, so what are you saying? I could whoop your naïve little ass with my pinky if I wanted to. Kacey could whoop your ass! I'm surprised she hasn't already.
Chris: Well. I would be able to defend myself.
Matthew: So you would hit Kacey?
Chris: No, I would not hit Kacey.
Matthew: Have you ever defended yourself?
Chris: I have defended myself.
Matthew: [exhales in disbelief] I'm sure that was something to see. Have you… I mean, I'm sure, I can see what would just happen. She'd probably try to throw a punch and you'd just bounce her off with your Buddha belly. Or so you call it.
Chris: I would either step to one side or block it with an arm!
Matthew: [laughs] That little limp-wristed twig of yours? You're pretty big, but you've got some pretty scrawny arms. And you're a pretty big target, she'd be… pretty hard to miss you. I've seen her punches.
Matthew: I don't think you'd be able to react fast enough.
Chris: Yeah, well, you have not seen how I can, how fast I can react.
Matthew: You can't even react fast enough to what I'm saying.
Chris: Because I'd like to spell-check, and make sure I'm not making any mistakes. Make sure that my mind and my mouth are in sync.
Matthew: Making… mistakes…?
Chris: My mouth does not go faster than my mind.
Matthew: What are you even…?
Chris: That's another, that is another one of my flaws, I am willing to admit. Sometimes my mouth goes faster than my brain.
Matthew: Well, I bet that's not the only thing that goes faster than your brain. Are you trying to say you're some kind of computer or something? But this is, you're getting completely off the point. So tell me why, exactly, you aren't naïve? Why is this crossing the line so much?
Chris: Because it's insulting my intelligence.
Matthew: What line did I cross exactly?
Chris: And I do not appreciate that. You made me feel… anger.
Matthew: Because you haven't proven your intelligence to me.
Chris: Well, just like a computer, my brain is random. It picks up memories at random. I cannot simply access them sometimes, even though most of the time I can. But sometimes I can't, and they later come back to me at random.
Matthew: Okay… here's how intelligent you really are, and that's because being naïve has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence.
Chris: Look it up in the dictionary.
Matthew: I have looked it up in the dictionary. It has nothing to do with intelli… What are you talking about? What dictionary are you looking in?
Matthew: Webster's. You know, I'm sure, if you think naïve has to do with… I'm sure your "autism" is just some sort of blanket term for "retarded" for you. Isn't it?
Chris: I'll admit I have had some slow-minded moments. But I am certainly not totally retarded.
Matthew: No. I'm looking at my dictionary, you know what "naïve" means? It means "inexperienced." Not "unintelligent." I shouldn't be calling you naïve, I should just be calling you a dumbass. But you are naïve as well.
Experience and Respect
Chris: I've got a lot more experience than you could imagine.
Chris: I have had twenty-seven years of experience.
Chris: Yeah, well, how about being pinned down by three teachers, a guidance counselor, and an elementary school… prinstapull… and having your screams and cries recorded on audiotape like a torture chamber?
Matthew: The hell are you talking about?
Chris: And have, I was pretty much in that situation there in, back in the fourth grade. They were scared of, scared of…
Matthew: What did you do, some kind of temper tantrum?
Chris: No, they were scared of me. They did not understand autism.
Matthew: So, what, you just had some kind of retard panic attack and they didn't know what to do?
Chris: I… it was not a retard! No… It was not! They just hated me because they don't, they did not understand people with autism. And so they tortured me as such. I even ended up with a rash on my neck from that thing, among other things! And we had to fight the school system, they wanted to put me in a mental institution! But that was not…
Matthew: Because you NEED HELP. That's probably where you belong! And you call the other, you call Chris crazy… This is ridiculous.
Chris: I do not belong in a mental… If I had gone to a mental institution, I would not have graduated high school or gotten my certificate and degree in Computer-Aided Drafting and Design. I've moved up from what you would consider a retarded state of mind.
Matthew: I know retards with college degrees. They probably felt sorry for you. They probably just kinda let you through, that's probably what happened.
Chris: [angry stress sigh, or perhaps spluttering with rage]
Matthew: You know schools do that. And those other, I call them retards, but really, they're pretty good people. They actually did something with their degrees, believe it or not. People with Down's syndrome have done more than you. And that degree has done nothing for you.
Chris: It has done a lot, it has done a lot for me. It's given me the whole bunch of computer experience and potential that I have. And I will get an office job, and I will move out of this house, and I will run five miles!
Matthew: But you haven't done any of that. If you're gonna say it, then do it.
Chris: I would not be saying it if I was not going to do it. That is a promise.
Matthew: You better do it before Kacey runs back to a real man.
Chris: Okay then.
Matthew: Because I'm thinking that's going to happen pretty soon here. 27 years and you haven't changed.
Chris: Well, she did, she and I did not meet twenty-seven years ago, she and I met a few months ago.
Matthew: And you… and you haven't, she wasn't alive twenty-seven years ago. That doesn't even make any sense.
Chris: Well, what you said there a moment ago equally did not make much sense either. That was like you were implying, like as if she actually knew me my whole twenty-seven years.
Matthew: This is insulting to my intelligence, talking to you. You've shown me nothing but disrespect.
Chris: I have, I have…
Matthew: I'm sure you show Kacey hardly any more respect than you show me. I've been trying to open your eyes here.
Chris: I have shown you respect from the lot, for a while during the conversation.
Matthew: This is the kind of respect you show me, I would hate to see the kind of respect you show Kacey.
Chris: I show Kacey a lot of respect.
Matthew: You probably don't even respect her as a person…
Chris: I do res… I do respect her as a person!
Chris is Creepy and Bad at Dating
Matthew: You know, her sister said you kept trying to touch her when you met her.
Chris: Because I was nervous at the time!
Matthew: You were NERVOUS? What the hell kind of response is that? You're nervous, so you try to touch, so you try to touch a girl? What the hell? That's… that's… that's just sick! That's my daughter, you're trying to touch a girl, you're trying to touch my daughter because you're nervous? Most people try to avoid touching people when they're nervous. Gah, I can't believe I just heard that, I should come and kick your ass right now!
Chris: I only touched her shoulder! I thought it was a friend gesture!
Matthew: Her shoulder? You know, that didn't… I heard otherwise, I'm sorry.
Chris: Well, I'm sorry too.
Matthew: Did you try to kiss her?
Matthew: Bullshit. She told her sister about what you did. I know. Are you telling me that Kacey lied?
Chris: I am not saying that. I am not saying that.
Matthew: You trying to tell me that… I heard you did all kinds of other weird shit. You tried to sniff her or something?
Chris: She was sharing her perfumes with me.
Matthew: I don't think so.
Chris: She wanted my, she wanted my opinion on which perfume smelled better.
Matthew: She gave it to you, she said she gave it to you in the bottle first. You could have just opened the bottle and sniffed, you didn't have to sniff her to do it. That's a little creepy.
Chris: Yeah, well, she wanted the perfume, she wanted me to give an honest opinion about… on her.
Matthew: You did it in front of her and her friend. Have you ever done this before? Is this something you do when you meet girls?
Chris: I'm sorry, could you, could you, ah, repeat that?
Matthew: Have you… have you ever done this before, to another girl?
Chris: Mm… Yeah, well, we've been talking about the sniffing thing. I just want to make sure I understand what we're talking about here.
Matthew: Yes… anything, any of this creepy… shit. This touching, this kissing, that I've been told you try to do.
Chris: Well… first off I can definitely, honestly say that I have not kissed a girl yet…
Chris: Or even tried to.
Matthew: Yeah, I don't believe, I don't believe a word of that. How many dates have you even been on?
Chris: In my lifetime? Only one.
Matthew: Only one.
Chris: And this was a few months ago. Before I met Kacey.
Matthew: Before you met Kacey.
Matthew: And how did that turn out? How did she act towards you? What did she think of you?
Chris: It turned out that girl just wasn't all that into me.
Matthew: I mean, Kacey met you around August, that was a couple of months ago. So how far along was this?
Chris: That one date was back in, was last June.
Matthew: And now why exactly do you think she wasn't interested in you?
Chris: I don't know. I am not a mind-reader.
Matthew: So you can't think of a single reason why she might not have been interested in you?
Chris: Yeah. I can honestly say that I cannot.
Matthew: You can't think of… I can think of a couple reasons right off the bat, why a girl would not have been into you. I don't even need to think about it. I mean… I mean, you can't even take them on a real date.
Chris: I took her on a real date. I took her to Applebee's, and I paid for her, for what she ate and what she drank there.
Matthew: You paid for her. And how much was that?
Chris: That was about $10.
Matthew: That's… $10 for dinner. Are you sure you just didn't go to McDonald's again?
Chris: [indignant] No, this was APPLEBEE'S. And Kim was there, she could the same, she could tell you the same thing.
Matthew: So where would you take Kacey? She's a pretty high-class girl. I'm sure you probably didn't even tip.
Chris: I'm sorry, I did not understand the second half of that sentence, after you said "Kacey is a high-class girl."
Matthew: I said you probably didn't even tip. So where exactly are you going to take Kacey?
Chris: Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, I did tip.
Matthew: You even know how much you're supposed to tip.
Chris: About 15% or 20%.
Matthew: So how much did you tip, then, if you paid $10?
Chris: I tipped a buck fifty.
Matthew: That's still pretty cheap. You know, Kacey probably wouldn't like that if you tipped her that much. You know she's a waitress, right? Tips are pretty important to waitresses.
Chris: Yep, I understand that, tips are important. But still, 15% of $10 is a dollar fifty.
Matthew: That's true. Okay, so how much would you tip if you paid, say, $80 for dinner? Which is very possible, if you go to the kind of places Kacey likes to go.
Chris: Hm… let's see… That would be about $12.
Matthew: So you would pay just $12, you wouldn't go up to, like, you wouldn't even just toss them a twenty or something? Can you even do math?
Chris: Well, I cannot say that my family is of the high-class, hoity-toity, rich type, type of people. We are on average income.
Matthew: You could at least… They're not rich either. They still left a twenty.
Chris: Well… good for them.
Matthew: You're not even on an income. Income would be, like, you actually have a job. Man, Chris treats her so much better than you, shows her so much more respect.
Chris: Yeah, well, I give you respect throughout the beginning of the conversation.
Matthew: You've given me nothing.
Chris: And then, and then, I started to feel insulted, from being, from being talked down about, about the things I've talked about. And that she told you, like about the McDonald's and the video games and that sort of thing, when I am so much better than that.
Matthew: And I have not seen any of this, because it probably doesn't exist.
Chris: It does exist.
Matthew: I mean, telling the truth isn't, it's not made of Pokeymans and all that.
Chris: It is not.
Matthew: And how are you better than all this? You're doing exactly, you're doing just that, talking about stupid fucking Pokeymans and shit. That's all I'm really getting about you. You do nothing but exactly what you've said.
Chris: Okay, well, what can you…
Matthew: You need to be better. Not say you could be better.
Chris: At least I am HONEST when I say I could be better. At least I don't go around lying, pretending that I am an astronaut.
Matthew: [laughs in disbelief] You're not. You're not being honest.
Chris: No, I have been honest. Otherwise I would have said that I was an astronaut, but that would be lying. And I have not been lying this conversation.
Matthew: Would have been a pretty bad lie, too.
Chris: I know, but that's just an example off the top of my head at the moment.
Matthew: You don't even have the eyes to be an astronaut, I mean, c'mon. You don't have the weight. You especially don't have the weight.
What Are You Gonna Do Now?
Chris: [Long silence] Well… I'll just say that this has been a most experiencing conversation, and I wish you a pleasant evening. Take care, Mr. Devoria, and stay safe. And please give my most fondest regards to Kacey as well. I love her and I care about her very much.
Matthew: Don't you hang up on me. When did I say that this conversation was over?
Chris: Well. You could say the insult, I'm getting tired of insults, I feel like I need to go, I feel like I need to go take a shower, and get ready to sleep. We are in the same time zone, it's ten after two right now.
Matthew: Actually, you know, that's fine, you can go whine and weasel your way out of this. You don't even deserve my daughter. What are you gonna do after this, what are you going to do tomorrow? Are you going to get up, sleep, you're going to get up and play video games again. That's… that's…
Chris: I am not, I will not be that way, I am going to get up and I'm going to be finding a job in the office. And I am going to be jogging for fifteen to thirty minutes.
Matthew: I don't believe… You know what Kacey's gonna do? She's gonna go to school, and she's gonna call Chris back. That's what she's gonna do.
Chris: [Snide and superior] Well, that's what you think she's gonna do. You do not control her.
Matthew: And you know why she's gonna do that? It's because she, because he's the one she wants. You know that song that she made for Chris? She made it for him. Not you. You know that song, that "Whole New World," from that Disney movie? She made that for him.
Chris: No, she told me she made that for me.
Matthew: Oh, no she didn't.
Chris: Oh yes she did!
Matthew: I think I know my daughter a little better than you do.
Chris: Well, I'll have to check with her on that.
Matthew: He even sang it for her! I mean, what really made you think it was for you?
Chris: Because she told me so herself!
Matthew: She told ME that she made it for him. Unless you're saying she's lying.
Chris: I'm not, I am not saying she's lying, because…
Matthew: And I saw that video. You didn't even know the lyrics to that song. You had to look it up. I could see the paper in your hand. And you had to sing over the words, you didn't even get the karaoke version or something. How could you possibly have known the lyrics?
Chris: I have watched the Aladdin movie a whole number of times. I would say greater than ten times. In my lifetime. At this point.
Matthew: And you know how I know that was made for him, and not you? Because that song was their song. They know it by HEART. And that has always been their song.
Matthew: You know they were going to sing it to each other at their wedding?
Chris: [More silence] I see.
Matthew: Well, this, this is really… this has really been enlightening. Learning about just how unworthy a person can be for my daughter. How much of a… I have to congratulate you, though, because you totally did a great job at getting Kacey and Chris back together. [pause]
Kacey: [bursting in] Seriously, Chris, how could you?!
Matthew: [cracks the fuck up]
Kacey: You've been so insulting to my father, and everything…di, uh… Chris would never have done this! Maybe I did make a wrong decision! [stutters] I don't think I can do this.
Chris: [heavy sigh]
Kacey: Maybe I was thinking of him all along, maybe I just displaced things. Just, I can't believe you would do this. You--yo--I was crying, and all you did was argue with my father. You didn't even care enough to check on me, or see if you could talk to me, Chris would never have done that. Chris would have demanded to talk to me right away and he would have calmed me down. [pause] And I mean, obviously you misunderstood me.
Chris: I guess… maybe I… did.
Kacey: You know what? I don't want you. I don't want this, I don't need this right now. I have so much going on with finals and everything, and this is the way you're going to act? Yeah. My father's right. You're going to have to do something HUGE. I mean, you can't even work on the comic you promised me, you made me a stupid LittleBigPlanet thing. Where the hell's the comic, Chris? You know what? You probably still won't make it. So, you know what? I-I can't do this. You need to totally reform your life. [pause] I mean, Chris would have come by. He would have driven the 2 hours just to comfort me once he heard I was crying.
Chris: Yeah, well, if I knew where you were I would have driven 2 hours as well. But I did not know…
Kacey: You know you won't! You always want me to come to you. It's stupid.
Chris: Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean… yeah, I would have asked, I mean, I did ask you for your address, but then… and I did ask you for your phone number.
Kacey: And I told you that you can't get it until you get my parents to trust you because you know they're overprotective! And you think this is the way you do it?! I bet you're not even gonna finish the comic! You can't even finish it tonight. Or anything. You can't do anything.
Chris: I can so.
Kacey: Well, obviously you're not motivated enough, because you haven't done anything like that. Like, you've promised me a song a long time ago, never got it. Chris has written me, like, 3 songs. You promised me tons of things, you never keep your promises. You just sit around playing video games, you made a stupid LittleBigPlanet thing for me. I mean, come on. All I wanted was the damn comic, all I wanted was you just to pay attention. You don't even pick up the phone anymore because of the trolls, because of the stress! I can't do this. I want a real man. [long pause] And thi--you can't even say anything. Dad, I think you're totally right.
Matthew: Yeah. Don't tell him where we live, I don't want my name and number, I don't want him to know my name and number.
Kacey: See?! Look what you done, Chris. Look what you've done! [pause]
Chris: I'm sorry.
Kacey: It's not like you're gonna do anything to make up for it. So you know what? I don't even care. Dad, you can do whatever, that's--thi--that's all he can say, I'm done.
Matthew: I don't know, I don't think I want to get in trouble…
Kacey: He's not, Chris, screw this.
Matthew: I don't want to get in trouble for beating the shit out of this faggot anyway.
Kacey: [long pause] I'm gonna go, this is too much for me. You can finish this off, Dad.
Chris: I'm sorry. [typing and long pause] I would like to say… good evening.
Matthew: [long pause] Ssssso... what are you gonna do now?
[Tape runs out]
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