Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 9

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Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 9 is the ninth and final call between Alec and Chris, which took place 25 February 2010.


The call begins with Alec asking Chris how his birthday was and then asking about his reasoning behind the recent disturbing developments in Sonichu 10. Alec points out some notable hypocrisy in regards to Chris's use of violence in Issue 10, given that Chris has criticized the Asperchu and Sonichu Revolution comics for using a lot of violence. Alec goes on to call out Chris for trying to weasel out of the conditions he had agreed to in earlier phone calls and telling him off for not listening to him...again.

Chris defends his actions with the always amazing excuse that "he was still filled with anger," which, you know, totally makes everything fine. Alec also points out that "apologizing" is not quite equal to "violently murdering the people you wronged in your comic." The two argue about the issue of Simonla, and the fact that Chris didn't exactly kill her in the manner promised AND introduced the character "Sandy", Simonla's daughter, defeating the entire purpose of eliminating Simonla. They discuss copyright and Chris's misunderstanding of the concept, in addition to Chris's massive ego.

Christian Love Day is also brought up. Chris denies ripping off Independence Day and claims that trying to make his own birthday a national holiday isn't completely unreasonable in any way, shape, or form. Chris states that the Mexican Flag Day (which is coincidentally the same day as his birthday) "could be better," which implies that it "could be better" by celebrating his birthday on a national level AND saying that there should be a second day in addition to Valentine's Day to celebrate love and his birthday "just feels right". When Alec mentions that he's definitely creating a pathetic cover-up for wanting his own birthday to be a holiday, Chris dances around the question.

Chris also admits that he has no objections being kissed up to, which has been fairly obvious for quite a long time. He then goes on to prove he knows little to nothing of Christianity, his professed belief (also obvious). Chris also admits to believing Simonla has always been his and tries to explain why it's not okay to parody a parody (it's as nonsensical as it sounds). In addition, Alec catches Chris in another blatant lie about how many pages he had done. Chris blames the trolls, for no reason whatsoever.

The call appears to end with Chris hanging up mid-sentence, much to the disappointment of Alec; this ironically serves as a perfect metaphor towards the relationship between the two.


Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 9
Stardate 25 February 2010
Featuring Chris; Alec
Saga AsperchuAsperchu Asperchu
Audio Recordings
Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 8


Alec: Hey Chris, it's Alec.

Chris: Oh. Hi, Alec. I was not...

Alec: Hey, Happy birthday!

Chris: [Annoyed] I wasn't- okay, well I was not expecting you.

Alec: Yeah, yeah.

Chris: So, thank you.

Alec: Yeah. Yeah, how was, how was your birthday today?

Chris: My birthday was yesterday, and it was, it was, it was good.

Alec: Oh, oh, it was, it was yesterday?

Chris: I spent it with my family. Yeah.

Alec: Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Well, yeah, I saw the pages you got uploaded today. Um, yeah... Uh... What's up with that trial, Chris? That was kinda like, that was kind of, uh, out of left field. That was... I didn't expect that at all.

Chris: Yeah, well, you drew, you drew, you, uh, drew me, you drew, you drew me in a set- in a setup of, uh, the, of uh, being beared false witness from uh, from your, from your parody of my Sonichu. In, uh, comparison of uh, that, of the other Chris being the real one and not me, which I was the real deal. And then you set me on fire. And then recently, you per-, you portrayed me getting my head getting chopped off with a sawblade! With gory detail!

Alec: Chris, you didn't read that, that last page. Did you read the, um, the page? 'Cause, what happened there was, um, that was a picture of the real you in the comic, and I said, you know, like your head got chopped off but then you came right back and said "No, it's okay, we're just faking". I didn't, your head didn't actually get chopped off.

Chris: Hmm.

Alec: Yeah.

Chris: Okay, it could maybe have more obvious.

Alec: Well, if you read the text it would have been obvious. You know.

Chris: Hmm.

Alec: It, there was a lot, there was text there, I mean, I spelled it out. I specifically had you say "Don't worry, this is fake!", you know, "My head's not really chopped off. I'm fine." You know, um, you accuse me of using, er, well, not accused, of using violence, I do use violence, that's true. But I was just kind of, uh... It seems kind of weird that your comic has suddenly taken a very gory turn. I mean, like...

Chris: [Interrupting] It's just, it's just, it's just one time.

Alec: But you said violence is wrong, though. One time's...

Chris: [Interrupting again] But I... Yeah, well, you, you, you did violence unto me, I was just returning the favor.

Alec: Oh, revenge is okay, though? Chris, you said violence is wrong. You didn't say it's okay in the case of revenge. [long pause] And, I'm kinda, I'm kinda curious, why is this trial taking place? Like, why are Alec and Mao and me, er, Alec and Mao and uh, Evan and Sean, uh, why are we on trial?

Chris: [takes a smug tone] Okay, let me see. The, uh, copy-, copycat, the whole bunch of copy-, copycat of practically everything from my, nearly everything from my books. Set me on fire, chopping my head off, false witness, and uh, oh yeah, how about wanting to kill Simonla Rosechu?

Alec: Um... Do you remember all the times we talked about Simonla? Where I explained to you that I wanted you to kill her because she's not your character, and Evan wanted her gone from your comic?

Chris: Yeah.

Alec: Chris, you told me, you swore up and down to me that, that you understood the point I was trying to get across to you and that you understood what I...

Chris: [Interrupting yet again] Yeah I did, yeah I did understand that. Yeah I-

Alec: [Shutting Chris down] Well, no! You're lying to me, Chris. You obviously didn't.

Chris: No, I did, I did...

Alec: [Refusing to put up with Chris's bullshit excuses] God Chris, I can't believe, I cannot believe you did this Chris. You, you know I thought that you were just, you know, kinda going "Yeah, uh-huh" just mouthing along and pretending to understand and saying what I wanted to hear to get me off the phone. And you know, I said that to you. I asked you, "Are you doing that?" And you said "No," you said no. You, you promised you understood, you would comply, you believed what I was saying. But then this trial comes along and what you're telling me right now is apparently my words went in one ear and out the other with you. And you think that, that me and Evan did something wrong to you. You think that you have done nothing wrong? Do you seriously believe that we are, you know, antagonists and that you are just a saint here?

Chris: Hmmm. Let me think about that a moment. To ask my question best.

Alec: Okay, well, while you're thinking about it, remember: Don't tell me the answer that you think I want to hear. Tell me what you really believe. That's the answer that I actually want to hear, is what you really believe.

[Tense pause. Chris is watching South Park in the background.]

Alec: You know, I'm looking at... Uh, the page here where you had like 10 people simultaneously electrocute me. Sonichu says [wimpy voice] "Oh I'm not gay!"

[Chris attempts to respond, Alec drowns him out.]

Alec: Chris, how many times, how many times did I tell... Okay, another thing, apparently, you didn't listen to. How many times did I tell you that I never portrayed Sonichu as gay? I explained clearly to you. Because you thought that he and Asperchu are gay, and I explained to you, "No, they're just, they were just hugging because they're friends, they're close friends." And I thought that you understood that, but... Go ahead.

Chris: Yeah, but like it'd be, but the portrayal could be misconstr-, construed, especially with the, uh, all the pink, all the pink-hearted drawings that you did...

Alec: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you did misconstrue it.

Chris: And the one, and the one where they were, the one where they were lying next to each other, in a bed situation...

Alec: Okay, okay, you did misconstrue it. That's true. And then you brought that up to me, and then I explained to you what it really meant. And now you apparently ignored that and just, you say, Sonichu says, "eeewww, you're portraying me as gay." I'm not portraying Sonichu as gay. I've never done that. The only gay characters in my comic are Wild and Simonchu... Well, Simonchu's bisexual. And, uh, I think that's it right now, actually. Well, Mitch, Mitch is gay in my comic. Although I haven't shown him having a lover yet. You know, none of my fans misunderstood that.

Chris: Hm.

Alec: I mean, not that it really matters, because the point is that you misunderstood it, you brought it up to me, and I explained it to you. I don't care that you misunderstood something, what I care about is that you apparently didn't even listen when I explained it to you. Because anybody can misunderstand something, but you brought it up to me, I explained it to you, and you made it sound like you did understand. But apparently you didn't.

Chris: Actually, I did understand, but I still had the anger and rage, I still had the anger against you. And I wanted to bear, I wanted to...

Alec: No! No. Why? Why would you have anger against me? If I explained...

Chris: One, uh, one big reason is continuing the adverts, continuing the blasphemous advertisements on my CWCipedia against me. Those are like...

Alec: [shouting over Chris] Oh, really? Hey, hey, hey, do you remember when I explained to you...

Chris: Especially, especially the ones declaring my birthday as Asperchu Day...

Alec: HEY! Chris. Chris! Do you remember when I explained to you last time that my ads are staying up there because you completely insulted me, and didn't respect what I wanted you to do in the apology video? But what you're saying me now is, you think that the ads are an attack on you. You're just completely forgetting what I told you before. Or maybe you're not forgetting it, maybe you're just choosing to disregard it. They were a direct consequence of your actions. You had the power to get rid of the ads and you did nothing. So how can you be mad at me for having the ads up? [pause] When I gave you several ways out, and you didn't take them?

Chris: Well, at least I, at least I, when, at least I went by your request and put, and hand-wrote all the apologies and everything, and killed Simonla.

Alec: Oh, oh no. You said that me and Mao and Sean and Evan killed Simonla. That's what your comic says. Apparently you didn't fulfill that part of the requirement either. Because I wanted you to kill her, but you accused me of killing her. And then you killed us in your comic. What kind of apology is that? When... Okay, an apology is when you do something wrong, you acknowledge it, and you make reparations to whoever was wronged. An apology is not where, um, you attack the person that you owe an apology to.

Chris: Hmm.

Alec: It's like you said... It's like you handed me a bowl of ice cream, said, "Hey, here's some ice cream for you," but then just as I reached out for it, you threw it on the ground. That's kind of what it feels like. Chris, do you remember last time, I told you that you were the one who drew the Voltorb? You were the one who killed Simonla.

Chris: Hm. Yeah, well, requesting the death of one of my characters comes with a price.

Alec: I'm sorry, what was that?

Chris: And, and I had... I said request of the, request of the killing of one of my characters...

Alec: Not your character! Not-- no, Simonla was not your character! She was Evan's.

Chris: Yeah, but anyway, with all the writing, with all the writing...

Alec: "Yeah, but anyway"?

Chris: With all the, uh...

Alec: You said, "Yeah, but anyway." Are you acknowledging that Simonla was not yours?

Chris: [pause] I acknowledge that Simonla was not mine, but I did not...

Alec: You just, but, two minutes ago you said...

Chris: I did not care very much for all the anger and torments and that such abuse that I continued to get from Evan. Anger...

Alec: What, what abuse did you get from him?

Chris: Verbal, verbal abuse and...

Alec: Like how?

Chris: In the Mailbag.

Alec: He sent you e-mails requesting you to stop using the character that was his.

Chris: And then threatening me with, sic his lawyers on me...

Alec: Yeah. Because you were committing illegal acts against him.

Chris: Anyway, the point is, Simonla is dead now.

Alec: Yeah, well, no, the point is that, um, you apparently don't listen when I talk to you. That's my point. Right?

Chris: Hm. Actually...

Alec: Because you believe that you are in the right, and everyone else is in the wrong. And you... Is that your TV going in the background? Do you ever turn your TV off when you talk to people on the phone? That might be kinda...

Chris: I do turn my... Well, actually, I do turn the TV off sometimes. [takes a self-righteous tone] Alright, I'll turn it off now.

Alec: Well, thank you, I appreciate that. Okay.

Chris: Okay.

Alec: Alright. Thank you for that. Um, who is, uh, Sandy, by the way? Sandy, like, Simonla's daughter?

Chris: Wild and Simonla's daughter. Yes.

Alec: How can Simonla have a daughter when she's not supposed to exist in your comic? You know, Evan might get pissed about Sandy existing.

Chris: Well, the, well, still, Sandy did not originate from Simonchu.

Alec: She kinda looks like, exactly like Simonla, but with, like, Lisa Simpson hair. She did originate from, she's like a clone of Simonla.

Chris: Well, she is not a clone of Simonla, she is a Ground-type rosechu.

Alec: Yeah. Isn't that what Simonla was? Do you even realize the point of getting rid of Simonla in the first place? It was because... Okay. Evan was mad about Simonla because Simonla was just a rip-off of Simonchu. And it looks like Sandy is a rip-off of Simonla, which, by corollary, makes her a rip-off of Simonchu as well.

Chris: [long pause] I disagree with that.

Alec: You can disagree all you want. Doesn't make it true. You can tell me the sky is orange as much as you want, it doesn't change the fact that the sky is blue. I mean, judges will agree with that one.

Chris: Okay, well, actually, still, Sandy does have an origin that's definitely not, definitely not one that Simonla was from. Explained lately, it's based off of somebody's, some other character.

Alec: She originates from Simonla.

Chris: She actually, she actually was born as a rosey...

Alec: From Simonla.

Chris: [sigh, long pause]

Alec: You know, this probably doesn't matter a whole lot, I bet you're never going to use Sandy again. I mean...

Chris: Oh yes I will! Because, because we need a constructor, we need, we need the main constructor in the city of CWCville, and Simonla was that, so now Sandy has to be the one who fills in Simonla's shoes.

Alec: Can't you just have, like, a construction crew? Like, you know, construction workers with vehicles? How can one person really do all the construction?

Chris: Simonla, Simonla was head builder, she did have a crew. And when you take out the leader the whole crew falls.

Alec: Okay, don't you think that crew... You know, I'm sure she had, like, a second-in-command, alright. Don't you think that her crew might feel kind of insulted that, um, you have, like, a person who is a week old just take control? Inheriting the crew. So you, you've got a construction crew that runs, like...

Chris: No, she was, she's not, well, she's not, Sandy's not going to take the reins prematurely like that...

Alec: You just said that...

Chris: She's going through heavy training.

Alec: Why? So she's child labor?

Chris: No, not child labor.

Alec: Well, she's like a week old, and you already had her assassinate people. I mean, that's...

Chris: The point of that was that they were revenged against Evan for having, for even thinking of killing off Simonla.

Alec: But you killed Simonla.

Chris: Because I was forced, because I felt forced to by, between, by y'all.

Alec: That's correct, we did force you to, because your refused to acknowledge that... Chris, what is copyright infringement? Give me your definition.

Chris: [pause] Copyright infringement...

Alec: Yes. I'd like to hear your definition.

Chris: [another pause] The misuse...of a character that originally belonged to somebody else.

Alec: Oh! Really.

Chris: Without their consent.

Alec: Okay, now, how does that connect to Simonla? You misused, you misused Simonla because she rightfully belonged to someone else.

Chris: Yeah, well, still, even still, even Sonichu was originally mine, and I have a copy-, I have the copyright registration forms to prove that.

Alec: So? What does that have to do with Simonla? You stole... Don't change the subject, Chris. You stole Simonchu and screwed around with him. Two wrongs make a right, is that, is that the case?

Chris: That is not the point I am trying to make.

Alec: Well, then, why do you...

Chris: That is fairly, that is fairly accurate though.

Alec: When we're talking about Simonla, why do you bring up Sonichu's copyright? What does that have to do with it?

Chris: Because you drew him, because you drew him in your pages without my consent, and then, and then made him look like, look like a homosexual. Or appear as such.

Alec: Why does what I... Why does anything that I do have anything at all to do with how you treat Evan and his property? Why do you want to punish one person for, for a wrong that you perceive another unrelated person doing?

Chris: Hm.

Alec: I am not Evan. Evan is not me. Chris, do you... Okay, this... Goddammit, Chris, this is just like, remember when you were complaining about how, you know, the trolls and ED attack you, and you used that as an excuse for why you treat me like shit? Why do you think it's okay to treat some random person like shit just because you've been treated badly, by other people that aren't related?

Chris: Okay, well, now, to correct you, it is not, I did not do it on a random person, quote unquote, I actually had reasons to do it against you and your crew.

Alec: I asked you why you stole something from Evan, which happened a long time ago, as I understand it, actually, well before I created Asperchu, and your response is that, you know, it's because of something I draw.

Chris: Well, I'm just saying, that was...

Alec: If I remember right...

Chris: ...why I did, why I didn't care for what you did very much, and that was what you did there.

Alec: Chris, when someone asks you a question, it's polite to respond with an answer that is relevant to the question. When I asked you why you think it's okay to steal Simonchu from Evan, please don't respond by going off on some unrelated tangent about how you don't like me.

Chris: Hm.

Alec: Okay? Now, if I remember right, on that Simonchu article, before you doctored it to make it look different, it said that it was like in August 2008 that you, quote unquote, created Simonla. That's a long time, that's over a year before I created Asperchu. I created Asperchu not even three months ago.

Chris: Mm-kay. Hm.

Alec: Okay? Okay what?

Chris: Well, let me think about that a moment so I can properly answer the question about the, uh... The quote unquote character theft.

Alec: You know what, I don't really want to go over whether you think stealing Simonchu is right or wrong or not, because we've done that before, and you, you know, I was fooled, I thought that I had gotten some kind of response out of you, which turned out to be a complete lie. Because you, to this day, still believe that Simonla is yours and everyone else is evil. I just want to know why, why you think that you're perfect, and that everyone else who has a disagreement with you is automatically wrong.

Chris: Well, to correct you, I never thought that I was perfect! I am imperfect, for a few reasons...

Alec: You still think that you're better than everyone else.

Chris: And one of which is definitely the high-functioning autism.

Alec: Well, what, what the hell does autism have to do with you being a bad person?

Chris: No, I was just saying, that's one reason why I'm not perfect.

Alec: So if not for autism, you think you would be perfect? Do you really think autism is your only flaw? I don't think...

Chris: No, I have a lot of other flaws, I know that.

Alec: Yeah, I don't think autism... Of all of your flaws, I don't think autism...

Chris: But I'm just saying, I'm just saying that's, I'm just saying that is one of my flaws that makes me not perfect. I am not perfect, I never said that. I have never said that I was perfect.

Alec: You imply it by suggesting that Evan and I are evil people who, who made you kill Simonla, because she was yours! Gah, okay, now I'm really pissed off, Chris. I'm mad at you. Because, why... How many years have you been pissing and moaning at people about your copyrights, your precious Sonichu copyrights? But you don't give a shit about Evan's copyright, or my copyright, or anyone else. You just take whatever you want, and you act like you're in the right by doing so. Why do you do that?

Chris: Hm. [mumbles] Why do I do that... [long pause] Hm. Mm. Hm.

Alec: You have no response, do you?

Chris: I'm thinking! Can I think? Sometimes my mind's a little slow.

Alec: You've had, like, how many years of worrying about copyright?

Chris: [heavy sigh]

Alec: I would think you would be a master of copyright law by now, considering how important it is to you. I would think you would know copyright laws backward and forward.

Chris: I am not as knowledgeable as a copyright lawyer.

Alec: Chris, um... Let's change the subject a little bit. What's up with that, your Christian Love Day video?

Chris: Because, because it was my birthday, I was just making a stand against the trolls. And the internet bullies.

Alec: What stand?

Chris: That I'm not gonna be let-, that I'm not going to be thrust down by the likes of which... And I'm going to continue on.

Alec: You... You kinda just... I recognized that speech you used, you just took that from Independence Day.

Chris: What?

Alec: You took that speech from...

Chris: I did not take...

Alec: Chris, that speech, that "We will not go down without a fight" speech, that was... That was lifted directly from, uh, Independence Day. Remember that movie?

Chris: Well... I remember that movie, I saw it only once, and I did not know that those, that those lines came from that, that speech was actually written by a friend of mine.

Alec: So you can't even write your own speech?

Chris: I can write my own speech! But he, I let my friend do it for me.

Alec: Well, why do you think that your birthday should be a holiday in the first place?

Chris: Well, it, well, once, when it is a, it is a holiday in Mexico. So it should be an equally important holiday in America.

Alec: It's, okay, it's Mexican Flag Day. In Mexico. Mexico has, I dunno, what, like 40 million citizens, something like that? So, are you really saying that Mexican Flag Day is no more important than your birthday? Should 40 million Americans, or more, be celebrating your birthday?

Chris: I'm not saying, I am not saying that.

Alec: You said that your birthday should be of equal importance to Mexican Flag Day.

Chris: I'm just saying...

Alec: Well, I was wrong, I just, I just looked it up, Mexico is actually like 110 million people. I was way off. Okay, so, your birthday is more important than 110 million Mexicans.

Chris: I never said that. And I never said that anybody should celebrate my birthday on that day.

Alec: Chris, um, your first response when I asked you, y'know like 90 seconds ago, I asked you, y'know "Why should your birthday be a holiday?" And you said, "Well, it's a holiday in Mexico, therefore it should be of equal importance in America." That is exactly what you said.

Chris: Yeah.

Alec: And it's what you're thinking. You think that, you think that Mexican Flag day is just, not even good enough, right?

Chris: Well, it can be better.

Alec: It can be better?! It's a 100-- It's a day for 110 million Mexicans to celebrate the freedom of their country!

Chris: And that, and that celebration could be, celeb-, could be accepted in America.

Alec: Well, why? Why would Americans celebrate Mexico's... uh, history? Americans have the fourth of July, that's when we celebrate our history. We have Flag Day too, like June 16th I think?

Chris: That's about, uh, I think that's about right.

Alec: Yeah. So we already have a Flag Day.

Chris: But still, I mean, we have these, we have the, the Mexicans in America.

Alec: And I'm sure they can celebrate Flag Day.

Chris: Yeah. So, we should accept that and, and maybe celebrate as well in like a congratulatory way for them.

Alec: Well, then why wasn't your video, um, about Mexican Flag Day, instead of this made-up Christian Love Day?

Chris: My idea behind Christian Love Day is, like, the possibility of a second Valentine's Day.

Alec: It's like 10 days after the real Valentine's Day. Why would we need another Valentine's so soon?

Chris: [sigh] It's like we need more, it's like we need more reminders to love and care about each other.

Alec: Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday, sponsored by corporations to sell shitty gift cards and disgusting fake sugar candies. It's not about love. It's just a stupid corporate holiday. If you want, if you want to really celebrate love, you can do it at any time. You don't need a holiday.

Chris: It's to help us, help remind us to do so constant-, on a more constant basis.

Alec: Okay, so why your birthday? Why your birthday, of all the days in the year, why would you choose your birthday for this particular holiday? Unless it was about celebrating yourself.

Chris: Because it feels right.

Alec: What do you mean, "it feels right"?

Chris: It feels like a good dr-, a good day to celebrate something.

Alec:Yeah. Like Mexican Flag Day.

Chris: Yeah.

Alec: Chris, Chris, just admit that you just want... You really think that you're so important, that you're so saintly and perfect, that you think your birthday should be a holiday. Just admit that to me.

Chris: Well, I am not saintly or perfect.

Alec: But you think that you're such an important person that your birthday should be a holiday. Admit it. It's about your ego.

Chris: [sigh] Hm. I partially agree with you on that, but it's actually a lot more than just quote unquote ego.

Alec: What, what more could it be?

Chris: I am not sure right now because I cannot come up with the right, with the right ans-, with appropriate answer for that.

Alec: Well then, well then you shouldn't be trying to create a holiday... Chris, you shouldn't really be trying to do anything until after you've come up with a logical reason to do it.

Chris: Okay, well, I, okay well...

Alec: Countless times, countless times I've asked you why you do things, and you fall back on, "I'm not sure, it felt right." Or you use your emotions as an excuse, like when you brutally murdered me and Evan and Mao and Sean in your, in your sham mock trial. You know, [mocking voice] "because you were still angry about the ads!" Let's go back to that...

Chris: And another thing...

Alec: What, what other thing?

Chris: What, how you portray me and my, and my electric hedgehogs, even in a parodic way, as a, as a, as definitely mentally retarded for one characteristic.

Alec: [talking over Chris] Chris, how many times have you...

Chris: And then brutally killing, killing us off like you did...

Alec: You brutally killed me.

Chris: And then, and selling, and sexually expliciting us like that.

Alec: Sexually ex-

Chris: Where you said all that first.

Alec: Oh, so that makes it okay for you to do anything? Chris, how many times... Okay, okay, you accuse me of making a parody, and I can't even begin to count the number of times I told you Asperchu's not a parody, but you accuse me of making a parody like it's such an evil thing, um, how many times have you fallen back on describing Sonichu as a parody of Sonic and Pikachu, when people ask you? And when you do it, it's a good thing, you use it as a defense against attacks by Nintendo and Sega and other companies. Why is it, when you think someone else is parodying you, um, shit hits the fan? Why is that, Chris?

Chris: Well, for one thing, you have por-, you definitely have portrayed a sense of retardedness and stupidity and even worse in that sense. And then used, that came from me and my pages, and the videos, and put them in your book. Like, you definitely drew a dildo and a sports bra as among one of the things, as among two things that Asperchu was digging out of his chest in the first book.

Alec: Have you ever seen Team America? You remember that movie?

Chris: Yep. Yeah, I've seen that movie.

Alec: Did you like it?

Chris: It was okay.

Alec: You remember how they made Matt Damon retarded in that movie?

Chris: Hm.

Alec: Well, they did.

Chris: Some of, some of those jokes do not hit me right away because they're not that, they're not that obvious to me. Or I don't know what's about the context of it. Like for example, the recent new Family Guy where Chris dates the Down's Syndrome girl, and then apparently the joke where she says "I'm the daughter of a former Alaskan...something."

Alec: Governor. It was Sarah Palin, Chris. It was about her.

Chris: Former Alaskan Senator, that was it.

Alec: No, it was the governor.

Chris: But yeah, it was supposed to be, it was, I learned in an article in today's Washington Post that, uh, that apparently it was meant as an attack on Sarah Parin, and I did not know that when I first heard that.

Alec: Sarah P-A-L-I-N, actually.

Chris: But I was, at least I was, that was a general statement.

Alec: Okay, um, we're getting off on a wild tangent here. My question is, why is parody such a bad thing to you? When other people do it.

Chris: Uh, I do not understand half the question. Why is parody blind to me...?

Alec: Why do you think parody is bad when other people do it?

Chris: Oh.

Alec: I mean, it sounds, it kinda sounds like, if I had drawn you as a perfect, you know, super-strong master of the universe like you draw yourself in your comic, then you would have been fine with it, because I would have been kissing your ass in that case.

Chris: That would have been, that would have been considered, that would be considerably agreeable right there between us, yeah.

Alec: So you prefer that people just kiss your ass all the time?

Chris: It may, it may, it helps, it makes me feel better, it makes me feel encouraged.

Alec: It makes you feel better?! Chris, you're an adult, you really want people to kiss your ass all the time?

Chris: Well, yeah, not all the time.

Alec: Why can't you learn to deal with...

Chris: I don't want, I don't like, I don't like, I don't like constant abuse.

Alec: What constant abuse?

Chris: And torment and slanders and cursings.

Alec: Oh, what torment and slander and cursing? Hey, Chris, okay, okay, you don't like slander? What about all the lies you've told about me? What about, okay, remember a while ago you made a video trying to hypnotize people into hating Asperchu? Like you spoke in backwards Spanish or something? Remember when you cursed me with the death threats?

Chris: And I apologized for that.

Alec: No, no, no, no, not, no, you're not getting away with that bullshit excuse this time, Chris. Okay? You can't just do things, do horrible things, and then offer a fake apology afterwards. That's not okay. That's not what apology is. You know, you claim to be a Christian, this is really, do you really think this is what God wants his children to do?

Chris: Hm. You're right, it is not something that, uh, God would like.

Alec: Yeah, well, you're not a Christian.

Chris: [shifts to a grim, offended tone] I am a Christian. I am a baptized practicing Methodist...

Alec: No, no you're not. You don't practice... Baptism doesn't mean shit. You don't even try to practice what Christianity teaches.

Chris: Well, for one thing, I don't have a total understanding of all the rules, and, uh...

Alec: Well, you can't be a very good Christian if you don't understand the rules.

Chris: Of course, there's a whole lots of, to memorize, and, and it's...

Alec: [mockingly] Yeah, religion is hard, isn't it?

Chris: ...and, what is, God does want, one of the things God wants us to do is not to worry about every single detail.

Alec: But you worry about every single... Oh, no, no, okay, no, that's not how it works. God wants you to follow the rules that he lays down. God wants you to try to be a good person. You don't even try to be a good person. You are completely selfish, and you do whatever you want, and you demand that other people go out of your way for you, to do things as you want them to. And then when someone starts pestering you, you offer a superficial apology and hope that smooths it all over. And then you draw a comic, you know, negating even that simple apology, where you threaten people and murder them in your comic. Thereby proving that you were just lying to the person who, you know, thought that you actually understood the point he was trying to get across. God condemns lying, you know.

Chris: [frustrated sigh]

Alec: Admit that you lied to me when you said, when you agreed with me that you didn't have a right to use Simonla. Admit that you have always believed that Simonla is yours.

Chris: [long pause] I'll admit...that.

Alec: Oh, okay. Okay, good, so all of our previous calls were just lies, then.

Chris: Not, no, not, no, they actually happened.

Alec: [loud clap; probably Alec facepalming] Yes, they happened, Chris, but your responses were lies. I know the phone calls happened in reality.

Chris: Hm. Anyway, uh, let me get back, anyway, uh, I don't mean to be all, but I want to get back to an early, to the earlier topic about, uh, what's wrong with you making a parody of a parody. Okay, well, okay, well, take a cue from what they did in one episode of Robot Chicken.

Alec: I don't watch Robot Chicken, so this reference means nothing to me.

Chris: Hm. Well, anyway, anyway, anyway, one...

Alec: Try explaining it to me without the use of TV references.

Chris: [angry] Consider a remake of a remake of an original movie! That was original as a blockbuster.

Alec: Okay... What about it? What about a remake of a remake?

Chris: It's not very good.

Alec: Sometimes they are. Sometimes remakes are better. Did you see the new Dawn of the Dead? That was way better than the George Romero shit.

Chris: I have not, I have not seen either, I have not seen either Dawn of the Dead.

Alec: You probably shouldn't, 'cause there's gore in it, and I know how much you hate that.

Chris: I don't mind, I don't mind gore, up to a certain point.

Alec: Well, obviously, given how gory your murder of me was. But, okay, I'm still having a little trouble understanding why, um, parody is okay when you do it, but not okay when someone else does it.

Chris: [long pause] Hm.

Alec: Because you proudly proclaim Sonichu to be a parody, but at the same time you accuse other people of doing parodies like they're doing a bad thing.

Chris: [more stalling] Hm. Okay, well, think about this. How about if somebody did a parody to Asperchu?

Alec: Yeah?

Chris: And made him look even more stupid and more retarded, and actually brutally killed him in all the blood and gory detail! Or had him sexually raped in a prison cell of all dudes! How would you feel if you saw that?

Alec: Uh, I don't think I'd give a shit, honestly. I mean, if it was well-done, I might kinda laugh at it. If it was meant to be a funny parody. See, I don't take myself completely, I don't take myself completely seriously like you do. I can laugh at my own foibles and I can laugh at the foibles of my comic. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Chris: [pause] That is...a theory, yes. Though I am not one hundred per-, I'll, that is, a, a previous...

Alec: So you don't really agree with it, though? You don't think imitation is ever a good thing?

Chris: Not one hundred percent.

Alec: Because Sonichu's an imitation of Sonic. Then you must agree that Sonichu is a good thing.

Chris: Yeah, because it was, because it was originally meant in a positive light. But then I get all the inputs from the trolls and all that on the internets, and then that just plain ticks me off.

Alec: Okay, if the guy who created Sonic, I don't know what his name is, but if he came along and discovered your Sonichu comic, he would probably-

Chris: [burps]

Alec: -See that at least half of it is just you attacking trolls... I mean, the comic's not even really about Sonichu. It's about you, and it's about your war against trolls.

Chris: Well, that's to be undone because, because I, because I have just, after I finish with book number 10 I will be making less appearances in the book...

Chris:-in the books, and then, and now it will be more about Sonichu.

Alec: Are you gonna do that reboot that we talked about?

Chris: There will be a form of a reboot, yes.

Alec: Why did you do these pages, then, if you're gonna do a reboot?

Chris: I mean, I mean, if I'm gonna be making less appearances in the comics, I figure I may as well let myself go out with a bang.

Alec: Um, no, no, Chris, Chris, I explained to you, a reboot is a complete restart. What happens in the reboot will have nothing to do with the comics that you've made thus far. And you know, you said you had like 30 pages, you only uploaded like...16.

Chris: That was the amount I had to complete number, book number 10. And the book is completed.

Alec: You said you had like 30 pages.

Chris: Well, right now I just wanted to get book number 10 out of the way.

Alec: But you said you were going to have like 30 pages up on your birthday.

Chris: [sigh]

Alec: So you went back on your word again.

Chris: [angry] Well, I overestimated myself!

Alec: What do you mean, "overestimated"? You said you had like 30 drawn and ready to be Photoshopped.

Chris: Well, just accept the fact that I had, I finished book number 10, and I had them all ready for Photoshop, and I uploaded them.

Alec: You know, if you have a deadline with a publisher and they're expecting 30 pages by a certain date, and you come to them and say, "Oh, yeah, here's 16 pages," they're not gonna be happy with you.

Chris: Hm.

Alec: And you didn't even upload them on your birthday, you uploaded them today. The day after. People who miss deadlines don't get paid.

Chris: Well, I had computer troubles.

Alec: Of course you had...

Chris: And I had to go out, and I had to go with my family to a restaurant to celebrate my birthday.

Alec: Sonichu is your job, Chris!

Chris: [sigh] That's another thing, you put them in the perspective of like, he's my job, it just makes me feel...

Alec: Well, you intend to make your huge money-making franchise, right? So yes, he is your job.

Chris: Yeah.

Alec: Yeah! And you don't take your job seriously!

Chris: [sigh] But, but you see, with that belief, with that definition, in the mentality of an artist, when the thing was originally supposed to be a work of art and creativity, then it just cheapens it.

Alec: Um, well, then, I could say it cheapened it when you started saying you intended to publish it and make money off of it.

Chris: [sigh]

Alec: So what you're telling me now is, you have no intention of ever making money off Sonichu. Because if it is just a work of art for its own sake, that's fine. But you keep promising, you know, deadlines that you miss, and you keep saying you're gonna publish it and make money off of it.

Chris: [massive sigh]

Alec: Do you not want to make money off Sonichu anymore?

Chris: No, I would like to make money off of Sonichu.

Alec: Well, okay. You're cheapening it, then, it's not a work of art anymore.

Chris: Because I had too many influx from bad people like the trolls!

Alec: What the hell do trolls have to do with it, Chris?

Chris: And also from, and also from...

Alec:I have you as a troll, and my comic kept going just fine.

Chris: And also from...

Alec: And how do trolls control what goes in the comic? Go ahead.

Chris: [heavy sigh] It's when they really tick me off, and then it just, it just, it's like putting, it's like putting poison into the water supply.

Alec: Why do you keep responding to trolls, then?

Chris: [mega-sigh]

Alec: And another thing, you have a really broad definition of "trolls," it seems. Because you think that people that ask you questions you don't like in your Mailbag are trolls. You think homosexual people are trolls just for existing, because you want to cure gays.

Chris: [sigh]

Alec: I think the ironic thing there is, gays would probably consider you a troll. Because you want to destroy their identity when they haven't done anything to you.

Chris: [another sigh]

Alec: You think I'm a troll, and I've been trying to help you.

Chris: Well, I'm sorry, sometimes things are, I have been trying to collaborate, I get misunderstood often, and it just really makes me feel like, I don't know, I feel like I'm being misunder-[hangs up]

Alec: "Mis-"?

Chris and Alec Call 8 Alec Benson Leary calls Current

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