Julie Reveals Herself
Julie Reveals Herself is a Mumble chat that occurred on 3 March 2009, and is easily one of the most infamous events of trolling in the CWChronology. In this chat, Chris is basically locked up in an hour-long torture session with BlueSpike, who poses as Julie's fake brother, Max. After being deceived by him earlier in the day, Chris crosses paths with him one last time later that night. Max continued his onslaught on the manchild; he threatened to sell Chris's PlayStation Network account on eBay several times, going so far to even allow all the proceeds to go directly to 4chan as well as Encyclopedia Dramatica. He also threatened to send Julie back to Europe, forced Chris to declare BILLY MAYS as the new Mayor of CWCville, and have Chris imprisoned. But the icing on the cake was when Max made Chris cut up his precious medallion and shove it up his ass. After all was said and done, Max kept true to his promise and let Julie talk to Chris. Little did Chris know that Julie had a little surprise for him...
- 1 Summary
- 2 Video
- 3 Transcript
- 3.1 eBay. No. eBay. No. (0:00-11:16)
- 3.2 Chris holds Max at Duckpoint (11:16-14:00)
- 3.3 Dance like a Gay Man (14:00-15:38)
- 3.4 Medallion or PSN? (15:38-18:14)
- 3.5 Medallion, Jizz, or Julie? (18:14-20:40)
- 3.6 Losing the Plot (20:40-22:03)
- 3.7 Wut Wut? (22:03-35:20)
- 3.8 Burn your house down (35:20-37:50)
- 3.9 Getting into Mumble (37:51-47:23)
- 3.10 Julie Unveiled (47:34-End)
- 4 External links
- It should be noted that Clyde Cash and several other trolls were monitoring the entire Mumble conversation. Needless to say, even they were disgusted and horrified at how far BlueSpike took it. Because of this, the following day, an explosive troll war took place on ED because of BlueSpike's actions.
- BlueSpike, posing as Max, tauntingly greets a grumpy Chris. He asks Chris why he's "down in the dumps", which he explains it's because "Max" is holding his hacked PSN and Yahoo! accounts ransom. Max says Chris can either choose between having his account back or being with Julie.
- Blue repeatedly riles Chris up by insulting and taunting him, and threatening to sell his PSN on eBay and give all the proceeds to 4chan and ED.
- After making him dance for his personal lulz, Blue tells Chris to put on his medallion. He says he will give him his PSN account if he burns and jizzes on the medallion, but at the same time he can't have Julie. If Chris doesn't comply, then Max will send Julie back to Europe. Chris hesitates, not only because he doesn't have anything to light up the medallion, but because he (of all people) doesn't know what "jizz" means.
- Blue goads Chris into declaring Billy Mays as the new mayor of CWCville, and that Chris will be thrown in jail, "where he will be raped by a bunch of niggers." Chris infamously says "niggos" instead of the N word. Blue has him say the word anyway, and he gets the "hang" of it before Blue makes him stop.
- Blue orders him again to jizz on the medallion, explaining to him it requires mass debating. Chris says he can't get a hard-on while under stress, so Blue orders him to burn the medallion, and in a rather sociopathic way screams he wants to see Chris actually get hurt. Chris goes quiet for a good while. Blue then says he can either choose to burn the medallion, or cut it up into pieces and shove it up his ass. Chris takes the latter choice.
- While Chris prepares to cut his medallion, Blue taunts him by saying he's bringing over a black friend of his to come watch Chris, requesting him to record and take pictures of himself. Much to Blue's delight, Chris actually goes through with his demands, much to the audible disgust of the other trolls; he gets so stressed that his fecal leakage kicks in. The trolls repeatedly tell Blue to stop. Ignoring them at first while continuing to mock Chris, Blue eventually tells Chris he can stop trying to put the pieces in his ass. He attempts to leave to wash his shit-covered hands, but Blue tells him to stay put.
- Blue wonders what else he can make Chris do, much to the other trolls' annoyance. He decides to have Chris get on Mumble to let him talk to "Julie". Chris spends over ten literal minutes trying to get a microphone working and logging onto Mumble, but eventually succeeds.
- Chris finally gets to talk to Julie. She reveals to him she is nothing more than Max/BlueSpike in disguise, telling him that all this time, Chris had been engaging in cybersex with a 13-year-old boy, who had been talking in pretty much his normal voice while pretending to be a girl. This doesn't quite get the reaction Blue expected from Chris; while Chris was certainly disappointed, trying to say he didn't know Max was 13, he seems to be apathetic towards what happened, seeing as this wasn't the first (and is far from the last) time Chris was tricked into being in a relationship with a fake woman.
- Blue tells Chris to send him the video footage of him shoving the medallion up his ass. Chris reveals he lied and didn't videotape anything when that happened, refusing to do it all over again. In response, Blue gets Clyde to come out and talk to Chris. Clyde, already quite disgusted with the whole ordeal, simply decides to tell Chris in a straightforward manner that there are no actual fans of Sonichu, that there is far more to life than his PS3, and that he needs to spend more time outdoors socializing instead of sitting on his ass all day indoors playing vidya. A nonplussed Chris doesn't respond to this, and leaves the call.
- Blue and the others reflect on what they did to Chris. After a while of them chattering over each other, a female troll asks if she can stop recording the Mumble, and after they give her the green light, does so.
|Julie Reveals Herself|
|Stardate||3 March 2009|
|Featuring||Chris, BlueSpike, Clyde|
eBay. No. eBay. No. (0:00-11:16)
Max: [tape begins with very low quality] Ready? [The sound of the trolls voices can be heard, but very faintly. The audio then becomes more audible as Max begins his onslaught on Chris.] Christian Chandler, hello!
Max: Aw, why so down in the dumps?
Chris: Come on, you know why.
Max: WHY? Tell me!
Chris: Because you stole my PSN, you stole my Yahoo!, and you're making me choose between all that and my girlfriend.
Max: And what did you pick? Tell me.
Chris: --icked Julie.
Chris: 'Cause I love her.
Max: ...let me tell you right now, Julie isn't that good of a girl. I'll give you one last chance to pick. Make your choice in five seconds: Julie or everything else.
Chris: Wait, what you say? Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, go ba--what you say?
Max: No, I'm not going to go back. No.
Chris: I want Julie.
Max: Really? You sincerely mean it?
Max: Well, if you don't yell at me one more time, you're not going to get either, so start yelling. I want to see your fangs!
Chris: [makes constipated grunts]
Max: [maniacal laughter] Are you constipated? [high-pitched squealing in delight] I think you're constipated. Christian takes a dump...oh, look out, he's reachin' Super Saiyan! You're not mad, you pathetic wimp.
Chris: [another angry constipated sound]
Max: You disgust me! Oh, why don't you smack the webcam around some? You're a bitch! You're not going to get my sister that way.
Chris: [sigh] Alright, fine. You wanted me to get--you want me to get angry, I got angry.
Max: That's not angry, you're a--you're a pussy. That's not angry. You're not going to get your PSN if you act like that.
Chris: No, no, no.
Max: No. It's going on eBay.
Chris: No, you leave it off!
Max: Yes! eBay!
Chris: No! No. Look. Alright, look, just, no, no.
Max: [laughter] eBay...eBay...
Chris: No! No! Stop. Stop it.
Max: Why should I stop?
Chris: [heavy sighs]
Max: Why should I stop?
Chris: [sigh] Stop. I want Julie.
Max: Why? Why should I stop? You're getting Julie already. Why do you need the PSN?
Chris: [multiple sighs]
Max: Face it, Chris, it's mine.
Chris: No, I'm not--no, no, no. No.
Max: No matter how many times you say "no" like that, it's not going to change it.
Max: Aw, are you down in the dumps? Hey, Chris, something that will help you get the PSN. Say something for me.
Max: Say "buh bye bay nose".
Chris: I'm sorry, repeat that?
Max: Say that "I'm a homo."
Chris: [grudgingly and incoherently] Ermnahomo...
Max: [laughing] N-No! Say it loud and proud and do pelvic thrusts.
Chris: [muffled] Ermahomo...
Max: Oh! That's not going to get the PSN!
Chris: I'm a hommomu—
Max: Either--then say it louder.
I!!! AM A HOMOOOO!!!
Max: [laughing] Yes.
Chris: No! No, no!
Max: [mockingly] No, that's not okay, Mommy. Yes, it's going on eBay, boy.
Chris: No. You have got— No, no, no! No, don't you dare!
Max: Why don't you call me a fucking...whatever you call me. Start swearing before I change my mind.
YOU FUCKING SUCK SO HARD!!!
Max: [breathing during fits of laughter] Aw, and you're a fucking homo. What's the difference? That you're the homo. Come on, prove me wrong. Prove me wrong that you're a little pussy, come on.
Chris: [angry muffled noise]
Max: Oh, I'm making the manchild--are you fucking serious, manchild? That's not gonna--you're, you're just--uou just really are dumb. It--it's going on eBay.
Chris: NO! No! No!
Max: [laughing] Yes.
Chris: You leave it off of eBay.
Max: eBay! Yes, yes.
Chris: You stop.
Max: [laughing] Why don't you give me the fucky finger while you're at it?
Chris: Stop it, I dunno. Look, look, look—
Max: Alright, listen, listen. Look, I'm willing to make a deal. Okay? Can you calm down and sit down please?
Max: Alright. Now I want you to know that I'm sorry...and I'm putting it on eBay.
Chris: You're not putting it on eBay.
Max: Yeah, yeah, yes I am.
Max: What, what, Chris? What are you going to do, show your fangs?
Max: It's going on eBay. Like it or not, that's final.
Chris: No, no. Stop.
Max: No. No, I'm opening eBay right now. [thunks twice] eBay. Look, eBay. [keys clicking] eBay.com.
Chris: Stop. Stop. Stop!
Max: Start auction...
Chris: No, stop! What do you want?
Max: I want to sell your PSN on the pi--uh...
Chris: [pitch rising, he's getting desperate] I-I picked Julie for you! I picked Julie. I picked Julie! Gimme back! Gimme--gimme back, gimme! I made the right choice, give it--
Max: No, you picked Julie, that doesn't mean you're going to get the PSN 'cause you picked Julie.
Chris: Look, please. Alright, fine, listen, listen—
Max: Start auction...
Chris: No, stop, stop, just listen to me, please.
Max: Umm, how should I label this? Oh! Thousand dollar worth PSN.
Chris: Stop! Stop!
Max: Hacked by Max Milvana.
Chris: Stop. Stop.
Max: Starting bid...a hundred fifty, no, one thousand fifty.
Chris: Stop. Stop. Listen to me. Listen to me. You can have my PSN account!
Max: I can have it?
Chris: But just— But just leave it off of eBay!
Chris: [high-pitched] Take it, you take it! You take it! Just...[clap] just LEAVE IT OFF OF EBAY, PLEASE!
Max: It's all mine and you can have Julie. We are agreeing?
Chris: [pause, sigh] Yes, but please, just don't sell it on eBay.
Max: Why not? Why shouldn't I sell it on eBay, because I'm about to. Tell me why.
Chris: Because you have all those games to download, that's like—
Max: I already downloaded them, numbnuts!
Chris: How many gigabytes does your PlayStation 3 have?
Max: What? I think it's like an 80-gigabyte; i-it came with Metal Gear Solid, so...
Chris: [self-satisfied sigh] For all the games I have on my PSN account, it's gonna require more than 80 gigabytes, I'll tell you what.
Max: Whatever, I'm gonna sell it anyway, I have everything that I want.
Chris: No, no, no, no, no. What if you want to redownload that stuff?
Max: Uh...no, I don't think I would. Nice try, though.
Max: Let's see...I think I might have a friend in New Brunswick that wants this, I don't know.
Chris: No. No. No.
Max: Where's my phone? Oh, here it is. [dials]
Chris: Listen, listen. You--you--you keep my account, okay? You keep my account and—
Max: And I'll put it on eBay.
Chris: —leave it alone. No.
Max: No, I'm gonna put it on eBay. Actually, I'm going to give it to Liquid Snake. I'm going to give it to Liquid Snake, and he's going to defile your name.
Chris: No, leave it off. No, no. No!
Max: I'm going to give it to 4chan, how about that?
Max: [laughs] I'm going to give it to 4-cent-garbage! And Encyclopedia Dramatica. They're both going to get it, it's mine! They're all going to have it! All of your money's donating to that, they're going to sell it and it's going to go right to ED.
Chris: Stop, stop, stop.
Max: Donation: 1,000, by Christian Weston Chandler!
Chris: [getting louder and whinier] No, just stop, just stooooop!
Max: How--yeah, why don't you yell some louder. Why don't you yell--why don't you wake the dead with your howling...come on, I want you to yell. Yell as loud as you possibly can and I'll give you the PSN, no strings attached.
Max: You--you yell like a pussy.
Max: You're a bitch, yell louder.
Max: Uh oh, I won't like you when you're mad! Oh wait, I do, because it's pretty fucking funny to watch your dumb ass. Hey, Chris. Here, I'll give you the PSN if you can do one thing.
Max: Suck my dick.
Chris: How can I do you--how can I do yours when you're all the way over there?
Max: I'll go all the way to Virginia. Will you do it? Will you suck a dick? No, wait, even better. No, I want you to go to The GAMe PLACe, apologize to the manager, and suck HIS dick. I want you to record it and put it on YouTube.
Chris: Aaaaah...please, don't be--don't be such a meanie.
Max: Oh, "meanie"?! Fuck YOU! Suck your manager's dick.
Chris: Look, look, listen, alright? Listen, just listen.
Max: Listen to what?
Chris: Max--Max, you are a great being. You are--you're a humble person. Please, I'm only a lowly--I'm only a lowly servant among your trestles.
Max: [disbelieving] Wha...uh...what...uh...
Chris: I only ask you— I only ask for your sister's true love and honesty.
Max: Sh...sh...SHUT UP! You can have--you can have my sister. You just can't have the PSN. Keep her.
Chris: But listen, I—
Max: No, eBay. That's it, I'm putting it on eBay. I-I'm not listening to you anymore. I'm putting it on eBay.
Chris: No, stop. Look, I'm putting myself--I'm putting yourself on your mercy here. Please, just leave my— Just leave it off of eBay!
Max: Fine, do a dance. Do a dance for me. Dance, you fucking monkey! Dance! Dance, you fucking monkey! [squeaks/laughs] Alright, you--stop, dude. Stop, right now. Now dance like Michael Jackson.
Chris: [makes panting sounds, presumably dancing]
Max: [laughing] What the fuck? Oh, don't! No, don't! Oh, no more! No more. When you grabbed your crotch, that was enough. Hey, Chris, can I tell you a secret?
Max: I'm going to go over to my computer right now. Start auction.
Max: Yup. Yup. Start auction. Let's see, $1,000-worth PSN account hacked...I'm going to start the bid at $500.
Chris: [sigh] You win. Win. I give up.
Max: What? I win? It's mine?.
Chris: Yes, but just don't sell it on eBay. Please?
Max: It's gone.
Chris: Look, you can have it, you can—
Max: I have a better idea. How about I give it to ED?
Chris: [heavy sigh]
Max: And they slander your precious little name all over the floor, with the cat crap you slip on. How does that sound, Chris? You fucking dumb fuck.
Chris holds Max at Duckpoint (11:16-14:00)
Max: What are you going to do? Mope? Why don't you show some fucking anger like a man, you fucking pussy? Come on. No, no. "But" nothing, you're a bitch.
Max: No, sit right there, like a bitch. You stink like a bitch, you have the boobs of a bitch, and you look like a bitch. And I bet you don't even have a dick down there. You are a bitch. You've got a big old set of...ovaries...NO!!! NO, NO!!! DON'T!!! OK. OK. OK. You have a dick, you have a dick! Don't fucking SHOW me, you pedofffork. What the fuck is wrong with you, trying to show me that? Look, I can report you to the cops right now for illegal, indecent exposure or some shit. I don't know. DON'T EVEN...
Chris: Nothing was actu--
Chris: Nothing was actually exposed.
Max: Well, whatever. Don't show me your dick, please. Just--just don't.
Max: That's where I cross the line.
Chris: Fine. That's wh--selling--selling my PSN account on eBay, that's where I cross the line.
Max: Well, it's going on eBay.
Chris: You cross that line, I'm crossing this line.
Max: It's going on eBay.
Chris: You cross that line...
Max: No, yeah, go ahead, it's going on eBay no matter what you do. It's going on eBay no matter what you say. You don't even have the balls to do it anymore, you pussy. It's going on eBay. It's going on eBay no matter what you do. And if you show me your dick, I'm gonna lower it so that any old schmo can get it. So I'd pull those pants right up. It's going on eBay. Uh-huh, eBay, woohoo!
Chris: Look, okay— No, listen, stop.
Max: eBay, eBay, eBay, eBay.
Chris: You take it off of eBay and I'll pull my pants back up--
Max: No. It's--it's already on eBay. It's already on. I actually fucking got a bid already, I-I already got a bid. I can't believe it. I'm giving it to this guy. It's gone. Going, going, gone.
Chris: [heavy sigh]
Max: Why do you keep using the hand sanitizer, you stupid fuck? Wait, wait. Move over to the chair for a minute. There's something behind you. Move so that I can see behind you...oh! That's the cup from Target, isn't it?
Max: What is it then?
Chris: It's the--it's a McDonald's TEA cup!
Max: Oh, I figured it would be McDonald's. That's why you're so fat. You got some man-tits going on, big jiggly. Cover that shit up, I don't want to see it. Chris, you are at my beck and call. I would cover that shit up before I get too disgusted. Alright, now I'm going to take it off eBay, but if you yell at me once, it's going on eBay for $1.
Chris: Wait. What?
Max: And if you fucking start with me one more time, it's going on eBay for a dollar.
Dance like a Gay Man (14:00-15:38)
Max: Hey, can I tell you a secret?
Max: I actually...I'm not gonna send Julie over there anyway. I'm not gonna help her to see you.
Chris: No. No. You stop. Y-y-y--we had an agreement. I picked Julie!
Max: Well, she's going to have to find her own way over there, 'cause I'm not helping.
Chris: No! You--you help her over here...
Max: [drowning out Chris] Make me! Why don't you make me? Make me! Unless you can positively disgust me, you're not going to make me.
Chris: Unless I can positively disgust you?
Max: Yeah, which you already do, so...
Chris: Look, please, I'm--I'm begging, I'm begging you--I'm begging here, you actually need to send Julie over here, please--
Max: No, how about you suck a dick? Suck a dick and take one in your ass. I am not gonna give Julie the money unless you can persuade me.
Max: How about, Chris--
Chris: I throw myself--I throw myself on your mercy, please.
Max: I can't even see you.
Chris: I throw myself on your mercy, please.
Max: Nah. How about you do me a favor? Dance again. Dance for my amusement. Dance like a gay man!
Chris: [makes shuffling and rustling sounds]
Max: Alright, you know, I should have just said do the dance like...Chris? Can I tell you something? Did you kill a horse jockey for that shirt?
Chris: No, Goodwill.
Medallion or PSN? (15:38-18:14)
Max: Yeah. Hey, I have a question? Why aren't you wearing your medallion?
Chris: [exasperated sigh] Because I promised you that I wouldn't wear it.
Max: Put it on, right now. Actually, no, get it really quickly, because I have to tell you something. If you want your PSN account, you're going to have to burn it. Burn the medallion and earn a PS3. A PSN account. What's it gonna be? Your woman and your PSN, or--no, no, no. I'm not going to give you that...uh, anyway, just burn your medallion.
Chris: No, wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop. You told me—
Max: No, no, I'm not going to get into it, just burn your medallion and we'll see what happens.
Chris: I might--
Max: You might get your PSN if you burn your medallion.
Chris: What about Julie?
Max: You'll get her. You'll get her no matter what you do, unless you take the PSN. Then you won't get Julie.
Max: I want you to burn your medallion, in your hand. Do it.
Chris: Hang on, I'm getting it.
Max: Are you seriously thinking that I'm going to fall for any of your shit today? 'Cause let me tell you, shithead, I'm not.
Chris: Alright, I'm getting it, okay? It's up here...
Max: Oh, oh! And one— One more thing? Hey, Chris, I want--I want you to jizz on it before you burn it. [laughs]
Max: Yeah, and— Oh, and say one thing for me really quickly? Say that Billy Mays is the Mayor of CWCville. Say it. Say it.
Chris: Wait a minute, what does "jizz" mean?
Max: Oh, "what does 'jizz' mean?" I'm telling you to mass debate on it, you stupid dick.
Max: Look, do it so that I can't see you, and really quickly--really quickly, Chris? Yell one thing for me really loudly. [claps twice] Can you do this? Say that Billy Mays is the Mayor of CWCville.
Chris: [heavy sigh]
Max: Yell it. Yell it loud.
Chris: [confused] Billy Mays?
Max: Yeah, Billy Mays. Say it.
Chris: Who the hell is he?
Max: BILLY MAYS is the Mayor of CWCville. Say it before I sell your fucking PSN! [long pause] Yell it. Yell it as loud as you fucking can. [more silence] Come on, autism metal block!! What--what the fuck's wrong with you? What are you doing? Stop that. Put your hands at your sides, soldier.
Chris: Okay, I don't want my PSN anymore. Go ahead, sell it on eBay, I don't care.
Max: Alright, I'm going to.
Chris: Go ahead.
Max: I'm gonna sell it. And I'm going to give all the money to ED.
Medallion, Jizz, or Julie? (18:14-20:40)
Max: Chris, do what I want, or I'm not going to send Julie over there. How about that?
Max: That's a good boy.
Chris: No, you're sending Julie over here.
Max: No, no, no. If you do what I want. There are two things I want. First, this is the easy one, shout at the top of your lungs: "Billy Mays is the new Mayor of CWCville!" [pause] Come on. Do it!
Chris: [in a droning voice] Billy Mays is the new Mayor of CWCville.
Max: Louder, you fucking pussy!
Chris: [slightly louder] Billy Mays is the new Mayor of CWCville.
Max: Stop saying it in your fucking...dumbass voice, you stupid bitch. I'm not going to send Julie over there if you use that voice again.
Chris: [sighs, raises his voice] BILLY MAYS IS THE NEW MAYER OF CWCVILLE!
Max: Yeah, and also say that "Christian Chandler will be thrown in jail!" CWCville Jail.
Chris: And Christian Chandler will be thrown in CWCville Jail.
Max: "Where he will be raped by a bunch of niggers!" Say this one really loud.
Chris: Where he will be raped by a bunch of niggos.
Max: [giggling] No, say "niggers", you stupid twat.
Chris: [loudly] Niggerrrrs!
Max: [laughing] Louder.
Chris: Don't...don't trust them new niggers over there.
Max: No! No, shut up. You ruined that...fucking joke. Now, Chris, I want you to do this for me. Burn. Your. Medallion! Burn it...no, no, no, no, no. Mass debate on it first, then burn it.
Chris: [voice shaking] I'd rather just burn it, please...
Max: No! You have to mass debate on it, then burn it.
Chris: [angry] I can't get a hard one while I'm under a lot of stress!
Max: Well, I know--I know something that will help you get a hard-on. Just think of men's dicks, that'll probably help.
Max: [laughing] Yes!
Chris: Just the opposite!
Max: Oh yeah, uh--yeah, men's balls. Sorry, men's balls.
Chris: That's not the opposite, I— That's not the opposite, too.
Max: You're right. Men's butts.
Chris: [enraged] THAT, THU--THAT IS EVEN WORSE!!!
Max: Oh, you're right. Men's faces.
Chris: [angry growling noises]
Max: Those persuasive eyes, they're going to you. Lusting. Lusting for you.
Chris: [screaming] THEY ARE NOT--
YOU ARE NOT DOING ME ANY GOOD!!! I HAVE TO PICTURE A WOMAN!!!
Max: You're gonna stick it in your--you're gonna stick in your butt, you're gonna stick in your butt, ah, ah, what, what, in the butt?!
Losing the Plot (20:40-22:03)
Max: Yeah, whatever, just burn your medallion. But you have to be holding it while you burn it. No, put the medallion right there, where I can see it.
Chris: [pissed off] I gotta get a match or something.
Max: Fine, make sure you light one where I can see it. Now, I want you to put it in your hand, I wanna see you get burned, you fucking dick. I want to see you see you get burned! I wanna see you get a fuckin' third-degree burn. [screaming] I WANNA SEE YOU LOSE A FUCKING FINGER!!! Oh, and after— After you, uh— After you, uh, burn it? Shove it up your ass. [pause] How does that sound, Chris? Sound like your idea of a good time? [long pause] Hey, Chris? [still silence] Chris, wait. It's important. Dammit, listen. You can burn the medallion or shove it up your butt: make your choice. [silence] Ah, interrogating autistics, it's so easy. It's so easy, especially with you, Chris. You. Dumb. Fuck. You make it all too easy. [long pause] Christian, if you don't answer me within the next 5 seconds, I am putting it on eBay and not sending Julie over. [silence] 5...4...3...2...1. Alright there, I guess...hey, Julie, you're not gettin' the money, because Chris won't answer me. [the worst girl voice ever] Oh no! [normal voice] Christian Weston Chandler, listen to me. Listen to me, you fat fucking autistic! Before I bust a fucking cap...or something. [silence] Jerk. I mean, you are a jerk.
Wut Wut? (22:03-35:20)
Max: Come on, Chris. Come on, Chris. You have 5 seconds before I fucking send my, uh--you have 5 seconds before I send Julie fucking back to Europe. 5...4...321--OH! Too late, going back to Europe, oh yeah. Tell me, Chris, I have to tell you one thing first. You have an alternative. [Chris is rustling] Are you ready? Are you listening to me now?
Max: Now, you have an alternative: either burn it or shove it up your butt. [mocking] I hate you. Come on, what are you going to do?
Chris: ...I'm going to shove it up my butt.
Max: You're gonna...you're going to shove it up your butt?
Chris: Actually, I thought of another alternative...that's just about as good as one or the other.
Max: No, I want you to shove it up your butt and take a picture, that's that.
Chris: [sigh] No.
Max: No, no, no. That's what you have to do now, you said it.
Chris: You're going to see this.
Max: What are you going to show me? What the--what are you going to show me? No, no, no, no. If you burn it, I will not send Julie over there. You have to shove it up your butt now. Chris, if you burn it, I'll send Julie back to Europe...don't even. I will send Julie back to Europe. I swear to God on my grandmother. Don't do it.
Chris: [sigh] ...I'll shove it up my butt.
Max: Alright, shove it up your--
Chris: I'm going to shove it up my butt...But I have to divide it.
Max: No. Shove it up your butt, the whole thing. The whole thing!
Chris: You want me to shove it up my butt, the whole thing?
Max: Yeah, and don't— And don't take it out, just shove it up until...do it in a video.
Chris: [sighing and rustling]
Max: And make sure you take pictures!
Chris: [more rustling]
Max: Oh, get this! [laughing]
Max: Actually, Chris--Chris, no, no, no. I decided--yeah, you can cut it up. Then shove it up your butt. I'm sorry for being so picky. You have to cut it up first. So yeah, you can pull your pants right up.
Chris: [sigh] Uhhh—
Max: No, better idea! Burn it, then shove it up your butt.
Chris: [sigh] No. Just let me cut it.
Max: Fine. Cut it into two. Into two halves, then shove it up your butt.
Chris: [heavy sigh]
Max: No, four pieces, four pieces. I didn't know they let autistics had sharp cutting...
Max: [slips into his Massachusetts accent] Careful now, don't cut your fingah... Oh, you cut your fingah. Dollas! Oh no! Police! Help! How does it feel, Chris, to be destroying something you worked so hard on? How's it feel? Tell me, tell me.
Max: How does it feel?
Chris: Harsh. Cold.
Max: [mocking] "Cold."
Max: Oh, me? I'm heartless?
Chris: No. This act, I'm calling it heartless.
Max: Oh, you can call me heartless if you want, you can call me any word.
Max: While you're thinking, this will help. Call me a fuckin' douchebag again as loud as you can.
Chris: Ya fucking douchebag!
Max: [A dog goes "AWOWOWOWOWO!" in the background] You suck. You suck...nigger dicks. I have a nigger, you know. I have a nigger friend, you want to suck his dick? I have a black friend, Chris, do you want to suck his dick? Yes or no?
Max: Alright, so you said "yes". I'll call him. Hey, Darnell. Darnell, come over here.
Chris: No. I said no!
Max: This guy wants to suck your dick!
Chris: I said NO!!!
Max: Well, I think Darnell is too, umm— I think he likes you. I think you're gonna have to.
Chris: I said— I said— I said NO!!!
Max: No you didn't, I— I heard yes. Darnell— Darnell, I think he said "yes". He said "yes", Darnell. Yes.
Chris: I said no! I said no!
Max: Um, fine, shit all over your butt. Whatever. Darnell's going to watch, though. Darnell likes to watch. Do you want me to shove Darnell out?
Chris: [sighing, grunting]
Max: Come on, cut it! Chris, how about this. Also, while you're at it, cut your hand. Cut your own hand.
Chris: [sigh] No, this is bad enough.
Max: Why won't you cut your hand? I thought you wanted Julie?
Chris: [sighing and rattling]
Max: Alright, fine, didn't work, you just shove it up your butt. And make sure you take pictures for posterity.
Chris: [sigh] No problem, I've got the camera on.
Max: So wait, you're recording this, too?
Max: Oh, God! You're recording it AND you're showing it live? Really?
Max: That is awesome. Make sure you send it to me on Skype.
Chris: [sighing and rattling]
Max: Wait, are you recording it right now?
Max: OK, so, yeah, we saw you cu— The camera saw you cutting?
Max: Alright, that's...wonderful. [laughs] Hey, Chris, one last thing. One last thing before you shove it up your butt. Can you say one thing?
Max: Say that you love fat cocks up your ass.
Chris: [sigh, system beep] Can I talk to Julie?
Max: After you do this, yes.
Chris: After I shove this up my rump?
Max: Up your ass, you have to say "up your ass."
Chris: Up my ass.
Max: Up your ass.
Chris: After I shove this up my ass.
Max: Hey, Chris, while you shove it up your ass, scream "Zappin' to the extreme!", okay? You have to do this, or I won't send Julie over, okay? I wanna see you shove it up there, and while you do it, say "Zappin' to the extreme!" I want you to shove every piece in there.
Max: [singing] I see a [unintelligible] of a man. It's a fat manchild, do-do-doo. [laughing] Come on, hurry up. Oh, God, it's all up in my face, get it out. Please. Chris, are you really gonna do this, seriously?
Max: Oh, goddammit. Oh, goddammit! Oh, I see brown stains! Did you crap your pants, really?
Max: No, no, really? Tell me the— Tell me the truth. Did you?
Max: Whatever, just— Just— Yeah, just— Put it in there. And then take pictures of it. Oh...goodness. This is... Just— Just— Just hurry up, please, just don't make me watch this for too long, please. [laughing] Insert Rod A into Slot B. Do it! Come on. More. More. More. More. More. [laughing] More. More. More. As far as you possibly can. More.
Max: More. More. More. More. Until I can't see it. More. Shove it up. Shove it up, up, up, up, up, up! More! More! MORE!!! Yes, yes. Please! Please, do continue. Oh, I can't wait to see how brown it is when you take it out. Chris! Is your hand stuck!?
Chris: [groan] I'm tired.
Max: No, keep going, you're not gonna fuckin' chicken out.
Chris: [uncomfortable groaning]
Max: How does this make you feel, Chris?
Chris: [grunt] Miserable.
Max: How miserable?
Chris: Totally miserable.
Max: Oh, really?
Max: Well, that's too bad!
Max: Oh, you sound like Chewbacca's taking a shit. [does a Chewbacca impression]
Chris: [does his own Chewbacca impression]
Max: No, no, no, no, no. Just— Just— Just shut up. Shut up.
Chris: Uh, I stop what?
Max: I said shut up. Don't— Don't even ruin Chewbacca.
Max: You miserable pile of dick. Err! Oh, God, more. Shove it until I can't see it. Oh, God, poor Sonichu is going to look like Brownichu.
Troll: BLUESPIKE!!! NO. MORE.
Max: Brown-Stain Sonichu, with the power to cha—
Chris: [painful groaning]
Max: [mocking groaning] Keep going.
Chris: [painful groaning]
Troll 2: BlueSpike, stop that shit.
Troll 3: This is awful.
Max: [background noise of small dog barking and door shutting]
Chris: [groaning] It don't wanna go in.
Chris: It don't wanna go in. In there.
Max: Then keep trying. Make some room in there.
Troll: BlueSpike, stop this shit.
Chris: [painful grunt]
Troll: Stop it. Really.
Max: Alright, fine. Stop.
Max: Yeah, sure.
Max: Don't take 'em out, though, I want them to be in there the whole rest of the time I'm talking to you.
Chris: [sigh] Alright.
Max: Now pull your pants up.
Chris: One second.
Troll: Blue, let him...
Max: Yo, Chris, this is what I strive for. Watching you do this kind of thing is...really disturbing, now that I've seen it. [laughs]
Troll: Blue, tell him he can take it out.
Troll: Goddammit, BlueSpike. God damn.
Max: [laughs] That's so heartless. I made him stop, don't worry.
Chris: Be right back. Excuse me.
Max: Chris, what the fuck? Seriously, man?
Chris: I just want to wash my hands!
Max: No, no, no. You can't wash your hands. If you wash your hands, I will not send Julie to Europe.
Max: You cannot wash your hands.
Chris: I can go wash my hands?
Max: No, no, I said don't! Don't!
Chris: Sound like one thing you say you do, one thing you say you don't.
Burn your house down (35:20-37:50)
Max: How does it feel, Chris?
Chris: [sigh] Terrible.
Max: Really? How terrible?
Chris: Ass-stinkingly terrible.
Max: You're a bitch, you know that, for doing this? Whatever. I wonder, what should I make you do next?
Chris: No, this is enough.
Max: No, no, no, no. You're not the one making the choices.
Chris: [long sigh] Enough.
Max: Chris, how about you, uh... Let's see...what else should you do? Give me a minute to think... Umm...
Chris: Please, this is enough. I'm tired, I'm sick—
Max: No, no, I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit if you feel tired, you're not the one calling the shots, you fucking prick. So shut up and do what I tell you. Okay? Are we clear?
Max: Yeah. Let's see, what shall I make you do? What should I do to you, Chrissy? What should I do to you? So tell me, what do you want to do?
Chris: What do I want to do?
Max: Yeah— No, no, no. I mean, what could you do that might amuse me?
Chris: What could I do that might amuse you...?
Max: I have a good idea, Chris!
Chris: Actually, I just thought of something.
Max: No, no. I've thought of something. Take out the medallion and burn it.
Chris: [sigh] Well, I don't— I told you, I can't— I could not find any matches at this time.
Max: No, you didn't tell me, and I don't give a shit. You're not the one making the— Go to the store and get some matches then.
Chris: [sigh] Anyway, I've got something for ya. [sings] "I'm a little piggy, here's my snout—"
Max: No! Shut up, just shut up, just shut the fuck up! [laughs] Shut the fuck up! Shut the FUCK up! I have a good idea: burn your house down.
Troll: Goddammit, you idiot!
Chris: No, I'm not going to burn my house down.
Max: Then the PSN is going on eBay. And the money is going to ED. And Julie is not coming.
Chris: I just want Julie over here.
Max: Well, you're not going to get Julie over there unless you burn your house down.
Chris: [heavy sigh] If I burn my house down, then we— Then she won't have a place to come to.
Max: You have a point, you have a point. Chris, there is something— There is something...
Troll: BlueSpike. Stop it.
Getting into Mumble (37:51-47:23)
Max: Alright, Chris, I want you to be in the Mumble. Julie's going to talk to you there, it's important.
Troll: Ten points.
Troll: Taunting won't help right now, just keep muted.
Troll: Augh, BlueSpike...
Chris: No, unfortunately I cannot—
Max: No, Chris, you have to. No, no, get in there! Get in there! Shut the fuck up and get in there!
Chris: I can't get the microphone to work over there, I've tried it—
Max: Then use the PSEye, that's the only chance you have.
Max: Get in the fucking Mumble right now, and use your PSN. I'm not— I'm gonna tell Julie. I don't have to tell you anything until she hears your HONEST voice. To make sure it's you.
Chris: [heavy sigh] Fine.
Max: Yeah! So get your fuckin' ass in there! Or I'll break it!
Chris: Yeah, yeah.
Max: Oh, what was that? Oh, no. Get the PSEye, get the PSEye...
Chris: Hang on, hang on.
Max: No, I'm not gonna hang on, motherfucker.
Chris: I'm gonna get the PSEye.
Max: I'm gonna kick you in the PSEye if you don't shut up.
Chris: I'm gonna get the PSEye.
Max: You better, or I'm gonna have to drop your ass.
Chris: No. Just...sit tight for a bit. I'm gonna get the PSEye. Alright?
Max: Fine. Yes. And make sure that it works before you come in Mumble.
Max: If I may say one thing, Chris?
Max: You're a bitch.
Chris: No, I'm just trying to find— I'm just trying to...do a— I've just proven I can do most anything for my true love.
Max: Alright, then, get in Mumble.
Chris: Alright, I'm gettin'— Alright, I'm gettin' there. I've just gotta...[unintelligible]
Max: There we go.
Chris: [sigh] Hang on. Get this twist-tie untied here.
Max: Gonna kick you in the twist-tie.
Chris: [sigh, then long silence] Working on this.
Max: What's on the TV, Chris?
Chris: I've just turned it on to the Cartoon Network, whatever the heck's on now, not gonna watch it, anyway. [At 41:31, you can hear what vaguely sounds like "Have I Told You Lately" by Rod Stewart, meaning that what's on the TV is likely this infomercial from Time-Life] Alright, I'm tryin' for you— Tryin' to make this work. [heavy sigh, then more silence] Walter Grisby, do... I'm testing— I'm trying to test the mike. I'm testing the mike, I got it plugged in.
Max: Does it work?
Chris: [snippy] I'm working on making it work! It's waiting to find hardware. It's waiting to find software for this hardware.
Max: Software for the hardware?
Chris: Yes. That's what I just said: software for the hardware.
Chris: The hardware's not installed because it cannot find the necessary software.
Max: And your microphone doesn't work. And the microphone doesn't work: the Hey You, Pikachu! mike.
Chris: [sigh] Still didn't hear you, what did you say?
Max: And you don't have any other microphone that works?
Chris: At this time, I do not.
Max: You have to get one. This is something you want to talk to Julie about.
Chris: [heavy sigh]
Max: Chris? Chris!
Troll: BlueSpike, you've gone too far this time.
Max: What're you doing, taking a dump?
Chris: [angry] No, I'm trying to turn my chair around so I can turn the volume down on the radio!
Max: [laughing] You're so fuckin' whiny!
Chris: [drowned out by Max briefly] ...behind me! It could— It could fall on to me any second!
Max: Oh, I hope it does!
Max: [mocking sigh] What's wrong now, Chrissy?
Chris: I'm working on it!
Max: Hey, Chris, can I tell you something? Chris!
Chris: Let me tell you something, I've still got the— I've still got the medal up my ass, so that hurts!
Max: I wasn't... I wasn't gonna ask about that. I just wanted to say I'm sorry about asking you to burn your house down. I'm sorry.
Max: And I'm sorry for telling you to cut yourself, that's too far. And I sincerely apologize.
Max: Apology accepted?
Chris: [pause] Yes.
Max: Good. Cool. Hi, BILLY MAYS here! I'm now the Mayor of CWCville. I took over from that stupid fuck Christian Weston Chandler...
Max: [sigh] C'mon, Chrissy. You are making me mad.
Chris: I'm working on it!
Max: Well, you're not working fast enough!
Chris: Well, I can't help this computer's speed!
Max: Do you know how to get the mike working?
Chris: I'm trying to get a mike working!
Max: I'm just asking if you know how, or are you just trying?
Chris: [whines] I'm trying!
Max: Great, we're gonna be on a fucking wild goose hunt for the past hour.
Chris: Hold on a second.
Max: We're gonna be holding on for more seconds than you can count, boy.
Chris: I'm trying to get this microphone to work! Wait...
Max: Well, what're you going through? Audio Wizard?
Chris: I got something working.
Max: What would that be?
Chris: A mike.
Max: So, it's working?
Chris: It might be. Hang on. I'll log in to Mumble.
Max: Alright. Julie will meet you there. [suppressed laugh] Goodbye.
Julie Unveiled (47:34-End)
Julie: Chris, I'm happy you're here. Hi.
Chris: Hi, hi, hi. I'm gonna put my earphones on.
Julie: Um, Chris...
Julie: There's something I've been trying to tell you for a while...
Julie: Well, I'm gonna be there tomorrow, and I think it's safe to say that now I can tell you this. With my heartfelt love.
Chris: Alright, uh, yes, uh, go ahead and tell me now.
Julie: Do you really wanna know?
Julie: [sigh] I can't, not right now.
Chris: C'mon, please?
Julie: No. I can't.
Chris: Please, Julie, I've just been through a whole lotta mess for you just now.
Julie: Why, what happened?
Chris: Uh, I'll say that in private, but lemme hear what you say first. From your heart.
Julie: Oooh, this is so hard for me to say.
Chris: You love me, don't you?
Julie: I do, but there's something else I need to say. I just don't... I just don't know how to do this. I don't know how to tell you this. Can I have a few minutes?
Female Troll: Blue, he's not there.
Troll: Give him some time.
Chris: [sigh] Yeah, I-I came back now, I won— I wonder what happened there.
Julie: I don't know, but this is... Can you talk with the fans for, like, 5 minutes? And then I'll tell you, please?
Chris: Uh, I'm sorry, could you...
Julie: Actually, no. No, I'm ready to tell you.
Julie: This whole time, Chris...you've been... having sex with a 13-year-old boy, you sick fuck!
BlueSpike: Yeah. I'm a 13-year-old boy, Chris, and you've been having sex with me this entire time. I'm gonna give all your fuckin' data to Chris Hansen, you fuckin' pedofork, so you better get the fuck out now—
BlueSpike:—before I report you to the fuckin' feds. Get out.
Chris: [sigh] Now, wait a minute—
BlueSpike: I'd hurry.
Chris: I did not— I did not know you were a 13-year-old.
BlueSpike: Yes you did! They're not gonna believe you! They're gonna fuckin' put you away!
Chris: [sigh] Fine, I'll lea—
BlueSpike: Tell me, Chris, now— No, no, no, no. Wait a minute. Wait. Now, I'm— Now, I seem to have you in a bit of a vice grip. Now, I'm gonna let you talk, but if you leave, your PSN is going far away.
Chris: I'm not leaving now. So, let me guess, you were Max the whole time, weren't you?
BlueSpike: And Julie. Yes. Both of them. Both figments of my imagination. They never existed.
Chris: [sigh] How do you explain...?
BlueSpike: There is no Julie. She never existed, Chris. [whispers] She died 5 years ago. Who have you been talking to? A BOY! Tell me, Chris. You know, I... Yes, please do speak.
Chris: Uh, what do you want me to tell you?
BlueSpike: Tell me how you feel about this, that you've been cybering with a 13-year-old boy this entire time. Do you like little boys? I think you do.
Chris: [shell-shocked monotone] I do not.
BlueSpike: You drove to Ohio for no reason. It was a trick. I was able to fool you, you dumb man. How does this make you feel? Tell me.
Chris: Well, I feel terrible.
BlueSpike: How does it feel that I've tricked you? Tell me?
Chris: I feel terrible.
BlueSpike: All the things that I've taken from you, they're now mine, and you will never receive them back.
BlueSpike: I got many things out of you, I've gotten to get the audio, the video... Now, if you— If you really want your self-dignity... If you truly want your self-dignity to be remained, then you will send me that video of you shoving the medallion up your anus. Or I will tell everyone what you've been doing. And all the fans will believe that you are a pedophile.
Chris: Okay, see, the thing is, I was lying, so I hope you've been recording on your end, because I wasn't recording on my end.
BlueSpike: Well, I'm sorry, then, because this is going out. To everyone.
Chris: [heavy sigh]
BlueSpike: So, what's it gonna be, Chris? Are you gonna do it again, or am I gonna have to give everything to everyone?
Chris: It's kind of hard to do an encore performance at this point.
BlueSpike: Well, that's unfortunate, Chris. You're going to have to do it.
Chris: [massive sigh] Fine, how about this. I take a—
BlueSpike: Wait, wait, wait, wait. First of all. Clyde?
Clyde: What up?
BlueSpike: Yes... He finally found out he was - I expected a bit more of a shitstorm - that he's been having sex with a thirteen-year-old boy like a sick fuck.
BlueSpike: And he drove to Ohio for no reason. Chris, tell me, why did you drive to Ohio? Under the idea that you would get...[mocking kiddie voice] a boyfriend-free girl? Should I call Chris Hansen? I think I know his number.
Clyde: Hello, hello, Chris. On that trip to Ohio, you had a cell phone. We were calling you, trying to, y'know, give you directions.
BlueSpike: Yes, Chris, let me tell you, there was a Julie. There truly is a Julie. But...
Clyde: Yeah, there is.
BlueSpike: There was, but she died.
Clyde: Yeah, we'll have to go with the "died" part, she's real— She actually is in Ohio, but...
BlueSpike: Let me tell you something, Chris. About the wildfires I told you about, I truly was the one who started them.
Clyde: Okay. Now, you're going crazy, okay? We don't have to do the whole wildfire thing...
Troll: Yeah, this is going kinda crazy. I mean, you sounded like a thirteen-year-old boy, and Chris kinda fell for that...
Chris: I thought— I thought she— I thought...
BlueSpike: How do I sound like a girl to you, motherfucker? How do I sound like a girl? Tell me.
Chris: You just sound— I know what a woman sounds like! [explosion of disbelief from all listeners]
BlueSpike: No, no, no, no, no. Shut the fuck up and let me talk to him. Shut the hell up. And I talked to you in my normal voice, and I can say I'm Julie. I can talk to you in the exactly same voice and I can tell you I'm Max, and you fuckin' believe it. You're dense. You're truly dense, and you don't deserve to live in this fuckin' world. Now tell me, what do you want? Do you want your PSN back?
BlueSpike: Well, that's too bad, because it's gonna be sold.
Chris: Oh, c'mon, please?
BlueSpike: No, it's gonna be sold.
Clyde: Hey, Chris, there's more things, y'know, okay. I ran this whole goddamn operation, look. There's more things to life than your PS3. Weren't you gonna go outside and have fun, y'know, go outside again?
BlueSpike: No, because he thought Julie was real. And he thought she was coming tomorrow, but it was all fake. It was all, all fake.
Clyde: I think he knows that. He's not retarded, look...
BlueSpike: Yes he is, he's fuckin' dumb. Now, Chris...
Clyde: [talking over BlueSpike] Goddamn this operative being a motherfucker Shut the hell up. Christ. Look, Chris. There are more things to life than your PS3 and whatever. Your whole Internet life has been a lie. There are no Sonichu fans. Nobody gives two shits about you. The best thing you could do is go outside, for the love of God, okay?
BlueSpike: Yes, Chris, let me tell you something. Are you going to listen?
Chris: I'm listening.
BlueSpike: Good. I wish to talk to you sometimes on Skype, to get some information out of you, if you will? Yes. Now tell me...
Clyde: Shut up, BlueSpike. He's been fooled so many times. What is this, the ninth time so far?
BlueSpike: I think it's the tenth, actually.
Clyde: Whatever. I mean, you say you learn from your mistakes, but you never seem to. Ever. [chorus of "JULAAY" from the trolls]
BlueSpike: You disgust me, Chris. Every part of you disgusts me. The way that you pathetically plead for your precious Julie. You disgust me...
Clyde: And your PlayStation Network account, that's pretty sad.
BlueSpike: Yeah. "Gimme back my account, you fucking dick!"
Clyde: Look, Chris, you can appeal to your— What's left of your fans, at least...
BlueSpike: I think he's crying. Why don't we just let the baby cry?
Chris: I'm not crying!
BlueSpike: Yes you are, you pathetic fuck.
Chris: I am not!
Clyde: Okay, BlueSpike, BlueSpike. You're a little too mean... Well, whatever.
BlueSpike: You're right. If I may inform you, Chris. I know you may have been told this before, but how does it feel to know that this is your entire fanbase?
Clyde: That is true, but there's also... Oh, yeah, that's hilarious! Anna, by the way, is not a lesbian. She's just...
BlueSpike: Yeah, the lesbian loves the dick. She just doesn't want yours. Every girl so far, every girl has been a troll. We tried to tell you this. And then we just got sick of it...
Clyde: You know how many people have told you this, that BlueSpike is a boy? I can't believe how many times... And you still believed...
BlueSpike: [mocking] "I believe you, because I've heard your honest and true voice!"
Chris: [sigh] Goodbye. [hangs up]
BlueSpike: I think we hurt him pretty bad.
Troll: Well, we kind of completely blew Chris's mind right there.
Female Troll: Can I...stop the recording now?
[Trolls chatter over each other, one troll quoting the old Duke Nukem meme "Balls, Balls, Balls".]
Female Troll: Stop, stop, stop, stop...!
Female Troll: Can I stop recording?
[Chorus of "Yes" from the trolls. Tape runs out.]