Bob Walks In
—Chris, in a love poem he wrote in High School exactly nine years before. GodBear could not have planned it better.
The Chandler family home only had one computer, and it was in the kitchen. This means that every time Chris wanted to engage in cybersex, he would be spanking it in the middle of a place where people prepare food, and don't want navy dripping all over the bloody thing.
On Valentine's Night, 2009, Chris was on a hot e-date with his ONE, TRUE AND HONEST SWEETHEART Julie, and once again engaged in some hot furry sex, similar to the night before. Chris was moaning sexy, sweaty nothings into the microphone as he furiously pounded his bent duck. Unbeknown to Chris, trolls were tipped off that Chris was firing some knuckle children and were dedicated to having Chris experience an awkward moment that would require Bob to see his son stroking his pickle, yelling like a horny retard. Four calls were made, the first three failing as Bob told them that Chris was "sleeping" (even though Chris was screaming "JULAAAAY" at the time). Miscreants agent Bryan Bash provided the final call, stating "OH MY GOD, CHRIS MADE A VIDEO ON YOUTUBE AND SAID HE'S GOING TO KILL HIMSELF! YOU GOTTA STOP HIM!".
Within seconds, Bob dropped the phone, ran up the stairs and walked into his son's most intimate moment, being justifiably horrified. In a rare moment of parental authority, he threatened to punish Chris by "cuttin' the Internet down right now." Chris, used to having things his way throughout his whole life, was appalled, confused and no longer aroused. The recording ends after Bob's many futile attempts to shut down the computer finally succeed.
This can be considered the pinnacle of the ongoing CWC saga, as it represents a moment where Chris actually feels negative repercussions for his Internet behavior. It contains many memorable lines and is the height of emotional drama.
Julie's side of this erotic scene can be read here.
The following is Chris's phone sex session with Julie prior to Bob walking in. Throughout this whole audio, Chris bangs into stuff and whacks his keyboard while mass debating and making slurping sounds, suggesting Chris fails at performing even imaginary cunnilingus. If you love your life, it is advised that you do not read this transcript, because Chris's session is supposedly sexy, but in all fairness, just isn't.
Chris Gets Started
Hey, Julie! Zlkavszka. Ah yeah, good, you're on me. Alright, alright... you do that, mmmm. [Two Windows beeps and several licking sounds] Oh... [rustling, possibly taking off clothes; five rapid Windows beeps] Ooooh...! Oh-ho-ho! Alright, yeah, I'm [indistinct] clothes.
Ok. Yep, I'm lying on the bed... do what you will...mmkay. Ahhhhh...I could take a good guess... very horny. Believe me, I've been very horny... before. Ohhh! Hhhh...oh my...oh my...mmmm...actually, I'm breathing okay...mmm...oh yeah. Cause is--cause it got stiff...for you. Mmmmm...ahhh, ahhh yeah. Mmm...(spits on his hands)...mmm.
Okay, I'm licking your pussy while you're sitting on my face. Oh boy...hhhh...mmmmm...mmmm...oh...okay, but you know, just so you know, I learned that farts- farts on one's face causes pink-eye. Ali- alri- alright, I'll let it go this time. I don't touch my eyes all that much anyway, but this time yeah....
(Begins fapping) Oh yeah. (slurp slurp slurp smack smack slurp slurp) Oh yeah... mmmm.... Oh yeah. (smack smack smack) mmmm... mmm... (slurp slurp slurp) Oh... mmm... You're facing mine as well. Oh boy, yeahhhh... that's good. Mmm. Mmmm... (smack smack smack smack slurp slurp) Oh... (fapping gets louder) Mmm!
Adventures in China
(Sporadic Windows beeping throughout) Mmm... Oh yeah... Mmm... (smack smack smack) Mmm... mmmmmmmm... Meeee-yeowww. mmm... ahhh, that's fine. (smack smack smack) Mmmm... (faps even harder, colliding into objects) Mmm... I was kind of expecting this myself. (faps even harder) Yeah... So do I... mmmm... (fapping is quite loud at this point) Ahhhh! MMm... (phone rings) Mmm... Mmmm... I love you too, Julie... you are, you are...
It's very good. Mmm... Ohhhh yeah, it's awesome... Awesome. Ah... ah yeah... (fapping speeds up) Mmm... Go ahead, be rougher, rougher... Mmmm... Ahhh... MMm... Oh yeah... mmm... Oh yeah, yeah... Oh YEAH, Julie, Julieeeeeeee, Julie!!! mmmh... ahhh... JULAYYYYYYYY! JULayyyyyyyy, JULAaaaay... JULAY!!!! Julay... JULaaAaaAaaaAaaaAaAAAAAYY!!! (phone rings) Jullayyyy... (phone rings again) Mmm... ah, don't worry about that, my father will get it... he got it.... Continue. Mm... Julie... JULAAAAAY... Julaaaaaaaaah.
Oh yeah... oh yeah... oh yeah... mmm... oh... mmm?? (phone rings) mmm... get on me... I want... to be INSIDE YOU!... Oh yeah... not yet... mmm. (smack smack smack slurp slurp) Pump it in? mmmf... ah... oh yeah... no problem... ahhhh... mmmm YEAH!! mmmf... (faps very hard) ahh... mmmm... oh yeah... oooooh yeah... ah! yeah... yeaahhh!!! mmmf... (breathing heavily, bangs into something while fapping) mmm... (phone rings) mmm... no it's okay, my father will get it, don't worry about it... keep going... it's already been got... please, I'm getting close myself... C'mon Julie... mmf... ahhh... mmm... mmm... oh yeah...
(Bob walks in at this point, about 17 minutes and 56 seconds in. Chris stops masturbating.)
—Bob "The Internet Lumberjack" Chandler
—Chris, during Goofy Time.
Bob: Christian, what are you doing?
Chris: [immediately stops fapping, but knocks several things over] Nothing.
Bob: I’m getting all these crazy damn calls. What're you doing?
Bob: Don't give me that crap. Now, what’s going on?
Chris: Dad, will you get out of here!?
Bob: No. [string of Windows beeps] I will not. People tell me that you’re about to kill yourself on YouTube.
Bob: What are you doing?
Chris: I'm not doin' anything.
Bob: Want me to wake your mother up and find out?
Bob: Then, get out of here, and off that Internet.
Bob: What is your trouble?
Chris: I am NOT going to kill myself!
Bob: Get away from that TV.
Bob: Get away from the Internet, I'm cuttin' it down, right now!
Chris: NO! DAD, NO!
Bob: What are you doin'?
[long pause, what sounds like the kitchen sink running, keys clicking on the keyboard, then a single Windows beep]
Chris: Don't do it, Dad.
Bob: I’m gonna shut this thing right down.
Chris: No! [pause] Dad, no. Stop!
Bob: Go wake your mother up, don’t bother me. Okay? [pause] Go and wake your mother up! Don’t bother me!
Bob: Go and wake your mother up!
Chris: [stress sigh]
Bob: You tell mm--her what’s going on. This thing is gonna go down.