Chris Sex Logs
THAT IS MY LINK!!!
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On 27 September 2008, PandaHalo released Skype chats with her and Chris discussing honest topics like sex, mass debating, and the then-forthcoming Sonichu #9 to Encyclopedia Dramatica. Almost immediately after releasing these files, she broke up with Chris.
The audio files for the logs were once uploaded onto RapidShare as well as Last.fm; however, the former website was shut down in 2015, and Last.fm has since removed the downloads for them. As of April 2020, the audio files (except for the first part of the "I am Perverted" MP3 recording) have yet to resurface, effectively making them lost media.
I am insane
Two Front Teeth
1. "Two Front Teeth" 0:25 CWC sings "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" in a squeaky voice, then informs the listener that the original song contains a whistle.
THE POWER OF THE SUN
2. "THE POWER OF THE SUN" 1:09 I'm in my house now [rustling noises] uhh...this was written, I got this housecoat from, uh, from Goodwill. 'Cause, you know, my old one had, like, some holes in it. It was becoming a little bit tattered in ways, but I mean, besides, this one's more comfortable anyway. Dang it, froze up again. Uh, give it a moment, it'll fix itself. Oh, the freeze! The freeze! The POWER OF THE SUN WARM YOU AND UNFREEZE YOU! Well, there it goes. Eh, there it goes again. C'mon! Uh, the POWER OF THE SUN UNFREEZE YOU!
The Holy Coat
3. "The Holy Coat" 0:07 [unintelligible mumbling] ...the holy coat. I am not the Lord Jesus Christ! Daaaaa.
I am perverted
Chris on Masturbation and the Sex Joke
Ah, hang on a second. Hey pop, what are you doing? Um, okay, [unintelligible], could be a prank call. That was my father, checking to see [unintelligible].
W-whah-what are you giggling about? It sounds like you're giggling. Well, you were asking me about how I masturbate, there, uh, so yeah. Basically, uh, well, it could go either way, whether I turn on some porn, to get myself straight or not, uh, an erection, get stiff or not, I mean that's one way of doing it, use porn. But uh also, if I've also I've, if I'm- if I.. on breaks- if I wasn't watching porn or, uh, don't feel like watching it at the time, I would go like to the bathroom sink and I can start, uh, by washing my hands and then with the soap and water just basically start by touching the, uh, end of my [hesitation] dick and just, like you know well it feels good for me, feels good I mean when I touch the edge of my dick. Well, actually, the way I see it, it's okay because you're relieving yourself of your stress from your basic instincts and your body. It's just - it's just good tension relief. The way I see it, so it's all right. The way I see - the way I see it for uh, gir- for uh, women - it's easier, it's better on them because, uh you know, they d-d... I mean, alright, but when a guy does it, they're releasing semen and the DNA that goes to the eggs, but when women do it, it's just, you know, they're releasing their juices, that basically, you know, makes it easier for the man to enter the vagina. So you could do it, and you wouldn't, you know, risk losing an egg from your ovaries.
Well, anyway, to get back to me, so yeah basically, I just massage mysel- I just massage myself down there and then, uh, and then, uh and then it gets more erect and uh, you know, it's still wet but I go back to my bed and uh, lie down, on the bed, and uh like you know I just massage it, I just massage it up and down with, like, you know, one of my hands or both of them at the same time depending on the random moment...do you have somebody else in the room with you? Yeah alright. So yeah anyway, well, pump it down with one or both of my hands at the moment until I feel, until I feel the sensation... where I feel I'm about to lose it, and then it all, it all just the stuff, yeah, yeah, some of my semen comes out. I don't - I don't like to make a mess, so I-... so I-- when I come I have a clean plastic cup by my side and I just make sure to put all of my semen in the cup there. Yeah. Well, if you want me to, I could describe how masturbation works for a woman, because I've seen it through my share of the pornography and hentai anime I have. Alright well, basically, it's the same, you could put one hand down there and take the other hand to massage one or both of your breasts at the same time.. I can't believe we're talkin' about this, well also we trust each other very much and we have good trust for each other for talking over the mikes, like, nobody can hear or record our conversation over the mikes like they could...at this point it's bet- it's between us. Uh yeah. Well you see I've confidentially told my mom about my actions as well, I mean, she's cool - I mean, she's cool with it. I mean, you could try it yourself tonight 'cause I know it's like twelve-thirty over there on Saturday afternoon. So we've got, like, a husband and wife, we'll call them, like, Dick and Jane, right? Okay, so anyway, he's coming home from work and uh, and he's coming into the house and uh, his wife Jane meets him at the door and she says, oh, hi honey, how was your day? and he says, eh, it's been a rough day sweetheart, uhhh, I'm just tired, [Changes voice] I'll tell you what, we can go upstairs and have breakfast, and he says, Breakfast? at 9pm? And she says, sure! You bring the milk and I'll get the eggs!
What I've learned from porn, #1
2. What I have learned from porn #1: 1:41 Films I have seen? I've learned, like you know, even though you've seen the husband seemingly betraying their wives to go to like uh, nightclub? Strip club? They're just trying to get their erections back up so they can go home and be ready for their wives. Because they, uh, they lose erections around their wives at that point. So you know, believe it or not, even though the husband might seem to be betraying their wife by going to a strip club, they're not. They're just trying to get their dick on so they can get their move on when they get home. Yes, they're not cheating. I mean they would only be cheating if they were actually doing it with another woman without their wife's consent. I wish I could say I have but I haven't - I've only seen them on television or in the movies. Yes, I'm fairly innocent myself, but as I've revealed of myself, I see the down and dirty. Maybe you'll get down and dirty tonight with yourself.
What I've learned from porn, #2
Masturbation - it's AWWWRIGHT
4. Masturbation/ IT'S AWWWWRIGHT: 0:22 You know another thing I should mention that like you know another reason why masturbation is all right is because you're not risking anybody else or getting a sexual disease. And just to let you know, if you are a virgin before you've started, and you haven't done anything with anyone else, you're still classified as a virgin.
Me and my sex doll
5. Me and my sex doll #1: 1:55 It well, also works that way if you're doing it with, uh, if you get yourself, what they call, uh, um, a sex or love doll? They're these inflatable dolls, that inflate to look like the form of a naked man or a woman, of course as a man I do have sex dolls of, uh, naked women, I do, I mean, I'm willing to admit that, so anyway, yeah, basically, you do the sex doll of the opposite gender like you would, but you're still classified as a virgin because there's no DNA exchanged because the thing is just a hunk of plastic. Yeah, basically most of the time they're motionless, so, for me I would just put my dick in the vaginal entry and I would just pump and I would just pump it. You know, like a dummy, pretend person, basically, yes. You know I mean, so I could put her on the bed and just get on top of her, or I could like have myself lying on my back and uh I could just move her, I could just move the body up and down, or like you know I could even try as many of the defined sexual positions as possible for practice with the doll! Of course from your point - of course from your point of view you would get yourself a male sex doll and you would put yourself on its fake penis. Yeah it is...well, that's good for you, that's good for you.
What I've learned from porn, #3pickle, I mean, it would be a waste of a fruit, but if you used a banana, you could still eat the insides. Eh, I said a pickle. Or a cucumber, a cucumber would work as well. But, uh, the thing I would, I would recommend for you, if you don't want to waste a fruit or a vegetable, yeah, well, it's all right. Not too many men are picky about how tight it is, I mean like you know, if you end up going, "Oooh, that's so TIGHT. You make me feel so good just to put it in there!" Yeah, but they're not going to be too picky about how tight it is.
You should buy a dildo!
7. You should buy a dildo! 2:10 But anyways so like you know, there's an alternative to your fingers or the fruit or vegetable. If girls like, you go out and find like an adult store and get what's called a dih-do [he pronounces 'dildo' all weird]. It's particularly, it's typically like a hunk of plastic molded in the form, the shape like the shape like an average-size, uh... penis, but you know it's not necessarily like, penis shaped, like some like some dildos are. I have actually looked it up, it's like 5 6 or 7 inches, and what I've seen for you know, the plastic dildos, they're like 5 to 7 inches themselves. But anyway, you don't necessarily have to get one that's actually penis-shaped, you can get one that's basically vertical. Hm, you'd like a dolphin-shaped one, wouldn't you? Eh, yeah I guess they might make them in that form, they have some available, like at this website you can check them out over there. Hey, as long as you're adult it's all right, it's all right. You don't have to be ashamed. If something offends you in the store, you can just look away, it's no big deal. Yeah, we actually have a local one over here in Charlottesville, it's called, uh it's called Bliss, I think it is. And of course there's also a store called Spencers, I think it's called Spencers over in the shopping mall, they sell sex toys there as well.
Me and my sex doll, #2
8. Me and my sex doll #2: 3:57 I had that thought myself, but then again, I don't really do any - know people around town myself, yeah, I have, otherwise I wouldn't have told you about the sex doll. LOL girlfriend, LOL. They have, uh, you know yeah, okay, hang on, I turn on my webcam, also you know some models have an opening in their mouth but this one doesn't that I could like, that I could put my dick into. Yes, just for the fun of it, I mean, it's wet in the mouth, some people do it because it feels good, I mean between man and woman, man and woman, man puts in it in the woman's mouth. And also, you know, here's an interesting fact, I've learned from the adult website, from the website quoted on Adam&Eve dot com, male semen is, eh, healthy for women, there's like random, there's like things I can't describe especially good for women and the flavor can change depending on what the man eats. Yeah, same applies for the woman's pussy juices, it's called. I think so, yeah. Or if I ate a whole lot of apples and strawberries, it would come out like apple or strawberry flavored. We'll find out soon enough, man, I left a button undone, there's the vaginal opening. That's one thing I can do, you like that? Pretend that's YOUR vagina and I did that to you, doesn't that feel so good? Anyway, in addition to that, it has an optional opening in the mouth, it also has like a, ARSEHOLE. Heh, yeah, but it doesn't poop. Actually, you know, some people like between a man and a woman, the man, the woman finds pleasure in the man putting his penis inside the woman's a-hole, asshole. And the skirt went upside down. No, a guy can do it with a woman, do it with a woman, 'cause, you know, the man and woman are both straight. I mean come on. I never heard that. I figure it would be on, it would be on the scrotum area of my penis. I'm going to put this away, I'll be right back.
This is my dildo
9. This is my dildo: 4:24 [John Mayer's "Say" blares in the background] Oh, yeah, I got this, it's uh, uh, I forget what the word was, it was the tip of the, the tip of the penis, I actually uh, the scrotum, the scroutum [sic]is actually the area where the balls were. So I used, I used the wrong word there. So anyway, I got something else I can show you, so I can explain, what, uh, a dildo is for you cause you know when you order something from Adam&Eve dot com they usually give you free DVDs or free gifts, with that, well anyway, they sent me one so I just held onto it, it's one dildo. They mostly come in this shape, in jelly form or in hard plastic. No, it's light reflecting off it. Anyway, you can use this and put it up your buuuutttt and it will feel good. I told you I got it as a free gift I did not use it, I just only have one. I guess I could give it to you since you are my sweetheart, you know? Hey, from they way I talk, the way I talk when I talk to you and the pictures I've seen so far, I'd like to meet you as well. Ahhh. Yeah, actually, you know, I did try that once with a different one, a different one I got for free as well? It did not, it did not turn me on. It, it, it I'd imagine from what I heard. You don't have to worry about me. I won't, I would not judge you. I swear. I would not judge you! I mean, look at how serious I am. I would not judge you. Well anyway let's say say we get back to the dildo sort of talk [nervous laugh] yeah anyway, well most of them are just a hunk of plastic, but some of them, like this one, they can run, they can run on a pair of AA batteries or another size, another size like that, I put a pair in this one just to try it out, I didn't take them out, well like you know, you can turn this one, you can turn this one on and off, by unscrewing, and screwing it completely, and when you've got it screwed on, it vibrates. You hear that? That's it vibrating. Yeah, just imagine having this up your vagina, and uh, it vibrating. Doesn't that feel good. I have have this one, I have this one, this one tucked away in a drawer. So, you know, nobody's going to find it unless I show it to them, or unless they look in my drawer, you know? Besides I don't have too many people come to the house often. Not too many people.
10: Condoms 2:20 Well, I guess you'd want to see it. Nuh, actually, you know what? Actually, I have, I have like a bunch of condoms, that expire like 2010, which I've been saving for uh, for uh my first time, or uh, you know, the ones after, the ones after that. Ehey, you know, as long as uh, anyway, you know, I like uh, be safe or sorry. You know even if one or the other is wearing a condom, 'cause you know they make condoms for women as well? I've heard the condom just goes up, goes up the vagina hole, with a little bit of plastic hanging out, so it can be easily taken out. So that's good, that's good, so well anyway, anyway, should you and I get together, if one of us uh, [something unintelligible in a high-pitched goofy voice] give yourself over to me well um, oh my god. Aw. Well, anyway, I was saying that if you did, oh, uh, if you did um like wear a condom, we'd still be good in God's eyes as long as uh, as long as you know, you don't get any, you don't get any in you, that's what condoms are for. Yeah. Yeah. Not that's just, uh, you just like something you can think about.
My first timeSigh. Th-th-then at that point, we'd go to the bathroom and wash each other off. We'd take two washcloths, and you'd wash my penis clean, and I'd wash your breasts clean, and I'd reach down and wash your vagina clean. But then we would be just looking at each other lovingly under the covers of the bed, and we'd just be like, "That was so awesome!" And we'd acknowledge each other in some such sense. And that's a good way of me imagining my first time. Ah, well. Oh yeah I usually wear white underwear, by the way. Hmm.. what color are your bra and panties? Purple?
It's called phone sex
12. It's called phone sex 0:43 That's fine, but did you enjoy that? The detailed presentation..? [Sigh] Did you actually feel like you wet your panties a bit during all that. Then I did good! [he sounds genuinely happy here] Awesome. You know, basically, what we went through? Is like phone sex. Have you heard of that?
How does I sex phone?
13. How does I sex phone? 0:26 Alright so basically, we're at the point where you're like the woman who, like, wants to get turned on by a man, and you pick up the phone, and I answer it, and you want, and you want me to describe what I would do to you, and how you would - then how you would feel and you would enjoy it so much and yeah. Basically what we just did was like phone sex.
Perfect Cyber Sex
14. Perfect Cyber Sex: 1:45 Oh, I'm sorry. Let me turn the volume down on the radio again. [Sigh] Uh. Okay. So anyway, so anyway the fake vagina or the cylindrical, or the cylindrical tube with the suction thing in it, yeah, either of them have a USB cord attached to it and I'll plug it into the PSP and then the man would have the suction tube or vagina on his, on the, on the, on his penis, or for the women, it would be like, if, if, because if it was truly like cybersex, then it would be like in relation to like to what was happening live over the internet. Yeah, like similar for you, like similar for you, since you're the, you're the woman, you would get like, uh, a dildo? And on the end of it would be the USB cord right there, you'd plug that in, and the dildo, you, you wouldn't have to pull it like in or out, it would have like a thing attached to it, where it attaches to like, like the groin area probably, and it would just pump itself in and out like the man was, was doing you there. So like I imagine that would be how cybersex would be perfected, at that point.
Under my coat
15. Under my coat: 0:15 And now, I am wearing nothing underneath this housecoat. You wanna see?
1. Birthdays: 0.59 Hey, everybody's having fun! They're having birthday parties! It starts off with Rosey's birthday, then we've got the Chaotic Combo's birthday on the same day, and then we've got Sonichu's birthday. Then at this point, he's a surprise party so he's coming home from a hot birthday date with Rosechu, and he's dressed up in a tuxedo and she's dressed up in a glitzy ballroom gown and she's got glitter makeup on her. So then they - then she turns on the light and everybody jumps up and yells, "Surprise!" and then on the 4th page, there's just a little private party, just a little private party between Blake and Bubbles. She delivers him a cupcake, and he's just sitting there, and then at one point she's like, "Why don't you go ahead and blow out the candles, blow out the candle and make a wish?" And he's just like, "Well, I'll blow out the candle but I already have my wish." And then they kiss. And make out.
FUCK YEAH SPRING BREAK!
2. FUCK YEAH SPRING BREAK! 0:43 And then Bubbles, then Bubbles asks Blake, "Are you gonna come to the spring break party at the beach tomorrow, right?" And he says "Yeah, and I'm gonna put on my little, I'll put on my bad boy show for your gal-pals." And then for the next couple of pages, it's um, yeah, he's pretending, he's pretending to be the bad guy in front of everybody but Bubbles. But Bubbles, only in front of Bubbles, he'll be, he'll be the good boy in addition to the bad boy. [Bizarre noise] The bad boy in private! All right so anyway, after that little plot bit, bit between Blake and Bubbles...
Parody3. Parody: 1:28 I'll do a parody of Family Guy a little bit. It's like, do you remember, [goofy high pitched voice] "This is MTV and we're rockin' it with Spring Break!" flippin' through the channels, and then it's like, "Hey! This is VH1 and we're rockin' it live with Spring Break!" And then, "Thousands injured. For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw. Keepin' it real and keepin' it ours at Spring Break! Woooooooo!" And then Meg would groan. And for my bit, I've got like Umm TV, and then uh, then uh instead of VH1 I have like PH1 and then instead of CNN News, I take a little bit, I borrow a little bit, a parody, borrow a little parody of Fox 20th Century from [something] he calls like [something]. I have all like six volumes of DVD [some crap about manga or something] I realize I was being intrusive upon it, taking, taking after real life.
People: Chris • PandaHalo • Clyde Cash • Robert Simmons V • Chloe
|"Chloe"||Chris vs. Clyde:||Panda's Death:|