Sydney Kirsch

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Sydney

In the wake of the Jackie emails, on or about 22 April 2010, a brave woman named Sydney Kirsch mistook Chris for "another Chris" at The GAMe PLACe, with whom she had intended to do some Pokémon-related business. Since she had forgotten this handsome, devilishly charming man's email address, she simply searched up Chris and The GAMe PLACe then emailed the first place that came up. The following is a record of what took place.

Sydney had the noble end-goal of wanting to get Chris to resume answering the Mailbags, by trading naked pictures of herself for answered questions. Unfortunately, things did not turn out that way at all and, ultimately, this was a rare win for Chris. His smugness at (finally) uncovering a troll is still chuckle-worthy, as is his mention of his cleavage (or, as normal human beings might put it, shockingly colossal man-boobs).

Some subject matter (mostly audio clips and voice mail messages) have not been posted because they are mostly irrelevant, don't add to the story and/or don't contain input from Chris. Note that the date and time stamps on emails are for Virginia time, while the date and time stamps on audio clips are Adelaide, Australia time. The woman herself quite happily admits that there is not a lot of new information about Chris in these documents, and that the CWCki exists to document Chris, not failed troll attempts. However, making the information public will hopefully make it clear that Chris is beginning to adapt, so just remember, nobody trolls Chris quite so well as Chris.

E-mails

Mistaken identity

Thursday, April 22, 2010 8:54 AM

Subject: Hi Chris, it's Sydney (the girl from The Game Place) again!

From: "Sydney Kirsch" <hugsrfun@yahoo.com>

To: ChrisChanSonichu@aol.com

Hi Chris,

It's Sydney here! We met each other briefly in The Game Place (I was the teenage blonde girl who wanted to buy those Poke'mon cards). I might be getting you confused with someone else, so stop me if I'm waaaay off track! ;)

You asked about my boyfriend Sam- unfortunately, we broke up last week because that damn arsehole was cheating on me with your friend Tracy. Can you believe it?! Arg. It makes me so angry! So yeah- I'm back on the market baby, woo hoo! :D

Anyway, I know it's a long shot, but I was hoping you might still have some more cards for sale? If not, maybe we can battle- I'd love to see them in action! We can meet up in person if you like to do the trade, or we can do it by eBay or something if you'd prefer.

Hugs,

Sydney.

A little nibble...

Thursday, April 22, 2010 3:23 PM

Subject: Re: Hi Chris, it's Sydney (the girl from The Game Place) again!

From: "chrischansonichu@aol.com" <chrischansonichu@aol.com>

To: hugsrfun@yahoo.com

I'm sorry, you are confusing me with someone else. Although I did USE to go to The Place; Michael Snyder, the "Manager", banned me from there almost Two Years Ago; he thought I was "scaring his customers away". I think Two Years is long enough for a ban. >:(

Have a good and safe day, Christian W. Chandler.

Thursday, April 22, 2010 3:30 PM

Subject: Re: Hi Chris, it's Sydney (the girl from The Game Place) again!

From: "Sydney Kirsch" <hugsrfun@yahoo.com>

To: ChrisChanSonichu@aol.com

Hey Chris,

Oh wow, I'm sorry! Yeah, I must have mixed my Chris' up. I'm pretty sure the Chris I meant to e-mail wasn't called Chandler. But hey, I made a new friend, so that's cool too!

Wow- Michael did that?! He always struck me as a really nice guy. I can't believe he'd ban you for two years- lol! What a dick. Maybe I won't go anymore, haha, I can get cards online for waaay cheaper anyway.

So anyway, what've you been up to since Michael banned you? I mostly just hang out at the Barracks Road Shopping Center, although I haven't been for the last like week because my ex-BF is there and I REALLY don't wanna see him at the moment, lol.

You seem nice- e-mail me back okay?

Love,

Sydney.

Interest is building

Chris sent his Hook Cafe image to Sydney, acne scarring and all.
Thursday, April 22, 2010 3:47 PM

Subject: Re: Hi Chris, it's Sydney (the girl from The Game Place) again!

From: "chrischansonichu@aol.com" <chrischansonichu@aol.com>

To: hugsrfun@yahoo.com

I hear you on getting cards online. Don't stop shopping at The Place on my account; they still have other good merchandise as well (last I checked); I went there the other day to ask Mike to lift the ban; he repeated over and over Hard "No"s. What you can do for me next time you go there, of which I would appreciate, let me know if they are still selling Eye of Judgment and Universal Fighting Series card packs/decks, and tell Mike that you know what he did to me and show him little respect. LOL.

I thank you for the compliment; I feel a little better hearing that. I'm attaching a current photo of myself; do you have one of yourself to share? And perhaps you and I can hang out sometime.

It was nice being introduced to you, Syd.

Stay Safe, Christian.

What a sexy, sexy man

Sydney sent this modest picture in reply. Chris would later compliment her on her appearance, but either not read the text body of her e-mail at all or, if he did, not remember even a single detail about her. Hmm.
Thursday, April 22, 2010 4:48 PM

Subject: Re: Hi Chris, it's Sydney (the girl from The Game Place) again!

From: "Sydney Kirsch" <hugsrfun@yahoo.com>

To: ChrisChanSonichu@aol.com

Hey Chris- wow, that's a nice picture. Is it recent? You look happy. :) And I like your vest- it's really rugged!

I do actually have a picture- it's a year old I think (maybe?? lol), my old boyfriend took it. He's a professional photographer so it looks WAAAY nicer than I am irl, haha. He did some pretty serious airbrushing and all, but it's me under there, I swear! When we get to know each other better, I'll send you through one 'au naturale', Hehe. He's also the one that drew the heart. :( Now I feel sad, remembering this. Sorry. I guess the pain is still kinda fresh.

I'll drop by at the Place in the next couple of days and see what they have in stock. If they have those two things, I'll definitely let you know- about talking to Michael, I'll see what I can do, hah, but I can be a little shy sometimes.

Anyway, I've attached a picture. You seriously seem really nice- I don't know why Michael would react that way, he's always been fair to me, but I guess some people really do have a dark side.

It was really nice being introduced to you, too- after my boyfriend cheated on me THEN dumped me recently, it's been very nice to hear a friendly voice. I've seriously started to think all men are dicks, but I guess it isn't so!

Heh, Syd'. I like that. :) One of my old friends did call me that once, I wish she had kept it up, I quite like it. My full name is Sydney Kirsch (It's German in origin, it means 'cellar') just fyi, and also, is it Christian or Chris? Or is Chris short for Christian? What do you prefer?

What sort of things are you into, Chris? (Or Christian?) I'm a big aircraft girl, I love planes. F16s, F22s- did you know they had the JSF in the new Die Hard movie? I swear, I kinda squealed a bit. It was like a dream come true, seeing it hover like that.

Anyway, it was nice talking to you! I have to duck out to do some shopping now, I'll be back later.

Love,

Sydney.

Thursday, April 22, 2010 4:48 PM

Subject: P.S.

From: "Sydney Kirsch" <hugsrfun@yahoo.com>

To: ChrisChanSonichu@aol.com

Oh hey- I realised a mistake- the spellchecker corrected my name from 'cherry' to 'cellar' because I made a typo. Kirsch means cherry. I don't actually like it, though, because I think Sydney Cherry sounds so freak'n retarded! Like a stripper name or something, haha.

Love,

Sydney.

Houston, we have liftoff!

Friday, April 23, 2010 2:12 AM

Subject: You're Cute. :)

From: "chrischansonichu@aol.com" <chrischansonichu@aol.com>

To: hugsrfun@yahoo.com

You and I should definitely meet up; I feel more comfortable with in-person interactions than internet. I've had online relationships in my past; most of which were good, but all of them ended not so good for me. I'd rather not talk about that now.

the photo I sent you is recent; I got a trucker look going for me. I'm sorry to hear about your ex dumping you. I like to think I am a nice guy; I try to be anyway. :) Allow me some in-person time (dates and whatnot), and I will show you some fun and good times. "Christian" or "Chris"; I'm okay either way, so feel free to call me whichever you like better.

To describe myself...

I'm 28 years old, 5'10", average body type (don't hold my cleveage against me, LOL), I have never smoked and I never will, I'm a social drinker, I'm a Pisces, and I'm a church-going Methodist.

I'm young at heart. I have a comic book series. I would enjoy the company of a beautiful woman who likes some of the things I do. I also like to have fun when I am able to, and do acts of kindness when possible.

I graduated from high school on the Honor Roll, and I have graduated from Piedmong Virginia Community College [sic] with a Degree and a Certificate in Computer Aided Drafting and Design. When it comes to what I can offer, I can seriously promise care, respect, empathy, and love. I think that (most) women deserve the world, and I would do my best to give it to them.

I’m really good at Drawing, writing, crafting, making well-thought decisions, heavy lifting, holding a conversation, showing a woman a good time (on a date with taking her to a restaurant and/or finding a fun event to check out and share).

The first things people usually notice about me
I would have to give it to my face, especially in in-person times. When I look at other people, I notice their faces first most often. Aside from that, they notice my being friendly, kind and easy to converse with.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food
Goosebumps or Fear Street Novels from R.L. Stein; "Mary Poppins" is my favorite movie of all time; I like most kinds of music (but my favorite singer is Britney Spears); Mac & Cheese, Grilled Chicken.

The six things I could never do without
-(After I've found the one) My Girlfriend/Sweetheart.
-My Video Games (PS3, PSP, DS and Wii, and all of my older consoles).
-My creative genius.
-Sex
-My good health.
-My glasses; I'm nearsighted.

I copied/pasted my description from my OKCupid.com page (ChrisCSonichu). Please reply with your age, details and what you would put in your profile. :) Let me give you my cell phone number, 434-760-0848, so you can call me and converse while hearing each others voices. You may inform me of your number in your reply as well, yet if you're calling from the 434 Area Code, I will be likely to pick up. If I miss your call, you can leave a message on my voicemail, and I will return your call.

Oh, Also, my father and I like airplanes too, yet we are more into music and stuff. You seem very knowledgeable and smart; I like that in women. And I'm Liking You, Syd. :)

I'll TTYL. Stay Safe, Christian.

All about Sydney

[TL;DR it's just an infodump about Sydney, her likes and her dislikes, etc. Note that the lack of apostrophes in this e-mail was due to user error.]

Friday, April 23, 2010 3:39 AM

Subject: Re: You re Cute. :)

From: "Sydney Kirsch" <hugsrfun@yahoo.com>

To: ChrisChanSonichu@aol.com

Haha, well, let s take it slow for a little bit, hey? I d love to meet up with you eventually, in fact I guess I d prefer it in the end, but yeah I ve had my share of bad relationships too- I d rather we kinda slowed down a bit at this point if that s okay! Haha... At the moment we are email buddies, let s see where it goes from here.

Thank you for your kind words regarding my picture. I can be kinda shy when first meeting people, so I use that year-old picture because it s one I know I ll usually not feel really embaresses about (lol).

I don t have a profile as such at the moment, I try not to keep too much stuff about myself on the internet because I m afraid of creepy stalkers, lol.

I guess I ll talk about stuff as it comes, haha. Okay. I m 19 years old (20 soon, OMG I feel old :(), blonde, really short (lol) and obsessed with jets. I a Cancer zodiac sign, which I hate because it s named after a deadly disease (lol :(). I sometimes play Pokemon and stuff but I m not really good with the rules so I always lose. Opps.

I don t smoke, never have, and I don t drink these days either. I m a pretty quiet gal, but I love the roar of engines, haha. I guess we all have our personality quirks.

I have an old clunker of a computer, along with an iPad and an Xbox 360 which I bought so I could play IL-2 Sturmovik: Birds of Prey and Over G Fighters. I guess I prefer Over G. If you have an Xbox too, we could play together if you want? :)

I was born in Albany WA, alhough I was concieved in Sydney, Australia which is where my parents got the name (lol, unimaginative!). I spent most of my school life getting shuttled between Tamworth, Australia and Albany. I would usually change every year or so, depending on what my parents wanted. Those long flights, plus hugely boring stayovers in LAX meant that I got to see lots of jets, inside and out, haha.

When I graduated high school, I applied to be a pilot in the National Guard, but I was told that since I d spent so long in Australia I might be a security risk, plus I have asthma, so I was denied entry. :( Serious, that was the worst day of my life, I cried for weeks.

After that, I basically went back to Australia for a while, because my dad got a job there, but six months later his work moved him to VA... And here I am! Hehe. Because I got moved around so much, I barely got to be really close friends with anyone or really stay at any one place for long, which is a real bummer, lol.

Anywho. It s okay if you don t wanna discuss your past relationships, to be honest, I d rather keep mine to myself too at this point. I m not interested in what happened in the past. Thanks for the offer of your cell phone- I will consider giving you a call once we know each other better. :) Just don t laugh at my accent!

Anyway, wow. I ve really been rabbiting on about nothing, hahaha... Sorry if I have bored you to tears, my life isn t very exciting. Write me back, okay?

Love,

Sydney. (lol. Now you know where I got named after...)

Saturday, April 24, 2010 2:49 AM

Subject: Re: You re Cute. :)

From: "Sydney Kirsch" <hugsrfun@yahoo.com>

To: ChrisChanSonichu@aol.com

Hey Chris, are you there? I replied!

Love,

Sydney.

Saturday, April 24, 2010 6:17 AM

Subject: My ex-boyfriend talked to me today :(

From: "Sydney Kirsch" <hugsrfun@yahoo.com>

To: ChrisChanSonichu@aol.com

Hey Chris,

I feel chestfallen- my ex-boyfriend talked to me today about some stuff, and now I am very sad, can we have a chat about stuff? Maybe AIM or something? I noticed you were using an AOL account.

Love,

Sydney.

Saturday, April 24, 2010 1:23 PM

Subject: Hey, an idea!

From: "Sydney Kirsch" <hugsrfun@yahoo.com>

To: ChrisChanSonichu@aol.com

Hey Chrissy,

I had an idea- I am uncomfortable giving you my number since we just met, buuuuuuuuuut... do you have a Skype account? We can have a Skype phone conversation if you like. :) My account name is hugsrfun, just message me whenever with either a chat or a call... lol

Just FYI, I leave it on CONSTANTLY, even when I'm asleep, so if you call and I'm not there don't stress out okay?

Love,

Sydney.

Sunday, April 25, 2010 2:42 AM

Subject: Are you ignoring me?

From: "Sydney Kirsch" <hugsrfun@yahoo.com>

To: ChrisChanSonichu@aol.com

Hey Chris,

Are you ignoring me? Ever since I sent you all that info about myself you haven't replied yet, despite several e-mails. What's wrong?

Love,

Sydney.

Phone call

[Note that Chris, despite predicting that Sydney would call, apparently has no idea who she is until he gets some serious prompting... and even then he's not 100% sure.]

Sydney Kirsch Christian Weston Chandler Call 1
Stardate 29 April 2010
Featuring Chris; Sydney Kirsch
next
Sydney Kirsch Christian Weston Chandler Call 2

Transcript

Sydney: Hey, uh, is this Christian Weston Chandler?

Chris: Yeah. Is this Sydney?

Sydney: This is Sydney. Yeah. Hey. Oh my God.

Chris: Yeah.

Sydney: I finally get to speak to you. I am so happy.

Chris: Yeah.

Sydney: I mean [unintelligible] for a while. [Sydney said, "I've been meaning to get in touch with you for a while", but the audio cut out for a second.]

Chris: I mean, well, uh. Yeah, well, I mean, uh. I have... I have received your emails and upon my recollection, I don't recall talking to you through email before you sent the email recently, so I am uncertain about... things. So forgive me for being skeptical.

Sydney: Oh no, that's okay. Remember? I'm the- I'm the girl that likes planes... that likes jets?

[Pause]

Chris: Hmm.

Sydney: Do you remember?

Chris: No.

Sydney: [Stammers] I- I- I-

Chris: No.

Sydney: I went to The GAMe PLACe. I mistook you for someone else.

Chris: The... GAMe PLACe?

Sydney: Yeah.

Chris: Yeah. I don't... It still doesn't ring a bell.

Sydney: Okay. Um. Well, anyway, um... I'll... I'll remind you if you like. Um, what happened is we um... I met another guy called Chris uh at The GAMe PLACe and he was selling some Pokémon cards and I thought it was you. Um, 'cause I just Googled Chris and the GAMe PLACe and it came up with you. But you said it wasn't you, and that pic-

Chris: Oh, oh, oh. Oh, I see. Okay, yeah. Yeah. Uh. Yeah, basically put in a nutshell, Michael was scared of me and and uh, he was afrai- and he was uh, preoccupied with his crackpot theory of me scaring his- scaring his... customers away, so he banned me from the store.

Sydney: Really?

Chris: Yeah.

Sydney: That's so unfair...

Chris: What an asshole. Yeah, he's an asshole.

Sydney: He always struck me as a really... Yeah, I'm really sorry to hear that. Wow. He's a... he's a dick. I'm sorry about that. Oh, wow.

Chris: Yeah.

Sydney: That's just so unfair.

Chris: Yeah.

Sydney: Look, um anyway... Hey, look you sent me a picture um... I really liked your picture. You're very, very handsome. Have you ever been told that?

Chris: Hmm. Yeah, I have been told that, mmm. Thank you for the compliment.

Sydney: Yeah. I'm not surprised. I'm not surprised. Um. I was just wondering, um... [Chris talks over Sydney] cuz we did-

Chris: Yeah, I think uh... Yeah, I think I got... I think I got a picture from you as well. Uh... Yeah, that's really you, right?

Sydney: Yeah, yeah. Um. It's an old picture. I'm sorry I didn't have a more recent one. Um. I have other pictures... that are more recent, but I look... I think I look okay in that picture. My ex-boyfriend took it.

Chris: Okay.

Sydney: And it's been- it's been heavily airbrushed it, but it is me.

Chris: Yeah... Yeah. Yeah, well let me ask you. How old are you?

Sydney: Um. I'm 19.

Chris: You're 19? Okay.

Sydney: Yeah.

Chris: So, uh, yeah... So, at this point, you wanted to uh hook up with me or something? I just wanted to make sure I understand. [Sydney talks over Chris] The uh... at this point...

Sydney: Oh, wow. I would really... Yeah, I would really like that.

Chris: [Incredulous] You would... You would like to hook up with me?

Sydney: Yeah.

Chris: And uh... possibly start a potential relationship?

Sydney: I would... Wow. I tell you what, if you would date me, that would be really, really impressive. I... You're a very attractive man and I'm really nothing special, so...

Chris: Yeah. Hmm. Yeah. All right. Uh.

Sydney: [Sydney begins to talk over Chris, but Chris wins] But I mean look, let's- I do think-

Chris: Let me think about it further and uh... Let me think about it further and I'll uh... and I'll decide on the details for uh... for a possible date. Uh, would uh, tomorrow be too soon?

Sydney: Absolutely. Um, I actually, I work as an airline hostess. I'm actually out of Charlottesville at the moment. Um... but, if you wanted to um... I'll-I'll be back in like, you know... maybe like 8 or 9 days. It depends on what my work does. Um. I travel a lot.

Chris: -yeah-

Sydney: Uh, but if you... I can check my email like all the time, so if you wanted to email me while... 'Cause, look, I really want to know more about you and I would love... dating you. Um, you're obviously an attractive man.

Chris: Yeah. All right. Well, listen, I got to go, but it was nice talking to you so, you take care and have a safe day.

Sydney: All right. Email me, okay?

Chris: Yeah. Okay.

Sydney: All right. Thank you, mate. Bye.

[Chris leaves the call]

Sydney: Oh, he called me. Oh my God. Oooh... he's so hot. Yeah, I know. He's just wonderful. Oh my God. I can't believe it. I can't believe that he called me. I know. He said we might be able to go out. He said we might be able to-

[Tape cuts off]

Radio silence broken

Chris sent an email to Sydney immediately after the call. Notice how he simply copies his dating profile page into the email. He's too lazy to even talk about himself.

Thursday, April 29, 2010 3:09 PM

Subject: Please forgive me.

From: "chrischansonichu@aol.com" <chrischansonichu@aol.com>

To: hugsrfun@yahoo.com

I was in error in memory; I had you confused with someone else who e-mailed me recently. My bad.

I better recollected you as I was eating my breakfast and drinking my coffee. And let me add that You Are Beautiful. You'd be a woman I'd wait for happily.

As for about myself, let me copy/paste my bio from my page on okCupid...

I'm young at heart. I have a comic book series. I would enjoy the company of a beautiful woman who likes some of the things I do. I also like to have fun when I am able to, and do acts of kindness when possible.

I graduated from high school on the Honor Roll, and I have graduated from Piedmong Virginia Community College with a Degree and a Certificate in Computer Aided Drafting and Design. When it comes to what I can offer, I can seriously promise care, respect, empathy, and love. I think that (most) women deserve the world, and I would do my best to give it to them.

I am looking for a woman who is honest and will love me for me, and sex is an eventual must; a woman with a happy, positive personality, young at heart, pretty, 18-28-years old, lives in, or around, the Charlottesville or Ruckersville (both in the state of Virginia) areas, smoke-free, non-black and single.

What I’m doing with my life I'm keeping it real; taking it one day at a time working on my projects and helping my family. I also work on my art projects, get some exercise in; all that good stuff.

I’m really good at Drawing, writing, crafting, making well-thought decisions, heavy lifting, holding a conversation, showing a woman a good time (on a date with taking her to a restaurant and/or finding a fun event to check out and share).

The first things people usually notice about me
I would have to give it to my face, especially in in-person times. When I look at other people, I notice their faces first most often. Aside from that, they notice my being friendly, kind and easy to converse with.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food
Goosebumps or Fear Street Novels from R.L. Stein; "Mary Poppins" is my favorite movie of all time; I like most kinds of music (but my favorite singer is Britney Spears); Mac & Cheese, Grilled Chicken.

The six things I could never do without
-(After I've found the one) My Girlfriend/Sweetheart.
-My Video Games (PS3, PSP, DS and Wii, and all of my older consoles).
-My creative genius.
-My good health.
-My glasses; I'm nearsighted.
-Food/Water

I'll leave you with that for now, and you are welcome to reply with more or less of your own Bio Specs. :)

BTW, you live in the Charlottesville, VA area, am I right? I want to make sure, so I can rest assure I won't have to drive farther to your pad (should the "Bonus Round" begin).

Stay Sweet and Safe, Christian.

OH SHI-

Things are going along smoothly, right? In a rare display of awareness, Chris became wise to the trolling plans that were forming against him, and quickly attempted to amputate the attempt at its source. However, this awareness would soon fade.

Sydney Kirsch Christian Weston Chandler Call 2
Stardate 1 May 2010
Featuring Chris; Sydney Kirsch

Transcript

Chris: Hello?
Sydney: Hey, Chris. This is, um... Sydney. How are you- how are you goin'?
Chris: Um... yeah. I'm, so- Uh, listen. I know about you and your little game. I've read the troll forum. You're actually in Australia. You cannot fool me anymore. Goodbye.
Sydney: Um... Yeah, I- I am Australian.
[Tape cuts off]

Epilogue

It is probable that, after her dismal failure, Clyde Cash had the woman broken dead. Such is the fate of those who fail Clyde.