Mailbag 58 was uploaded to the CWCipedia on 20 February 2010. Interestingly enough, it has two emails from people claiming to represent Anton LaVeyAnton LaVey's Church of Satan. It was answered by Evan, masquerading as a more honest version of Chris, on 19 March 2010.
On 11 March 2010, the Sysop took several messages from (what was then) Mailbags 59 and 60, which were respectively uploaded on 22 February and 8 March, and reshuffled them into revised versions of this Mailbag and Mailbag 57. Some of Mailbag 58's contents wound up in the new Mailbag 57, while other messages were removed entirely. Both the original and the revised versions are presented here under separate headings.
This Mailbag remained unanswered before the death of the CWCipedia in May 2010.
The original Mailbag 58
|From: Reimu Hakurei <email@example.com>
Dear Chris, I recently lost my job and I barely have any money to pay rent. It's hard to even find a decent job especially in this economy. My local newspaper didn't even have anything in their Classified section, that's just sad!. I'm not on welfare because I don't like the idea of using other people's money. I considered becoming a stripper because I make as much as people throw money my way but I don't like the idea of men leering at me with their eyes. What should I do?
|From: Takato Matsuda <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Hi! My name is Takato Matsuda and I am 11 yrs. old and live in Japan. You said that you believe that anything anyone draws becomes real and exists in a different universe. I think that is really cool! I really hope it is true! I drew a Digimon. I named him Guilmon! I hope he becomes real and comes find me so we can be friends. Here is a picture of him! The writing on the side says Guilmon because that is his name. I think it is pretty good, but you are an artist so you probably know better. What do you think? It is hand-drawn and hand-colored so I think you would definitely approve of that. I drew it at school and did not have all my markers and pencils with me so it is only in two colors. I hope you do not think it is bad because of that.
|From: Sam Beckett <email@example.com>
Sonichu and Rosechu both call you father. That makes them brother and sister. Incest is wrong, Chris. It's sick, your comic is sick, and you're sick.
I noticed that your birthday is coming up! Happy birthday! My church taught me that one's birthday is the most important holiday of all. Would you agree with this?
And what do you have planned for your birthday? Are you going to have a big party or just a small celebration? What's on your wishlist?
|From: Billy Bob <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Hey Chris, I just saw Kel's team on the CWCipedia and realised that it had some obvious weaknesses to fighting, rock and ground, some of the most common attacking types. Naturally, seeing as you have spent so long playing Pokemon and are so skilled, your team must be far superior, without these amateurish weaknesses. Would you mind telling me what your team is (if you have one), and if you're good, do you want to battle some time? We can do it over Shoddy Battle or something. Thanks!
|From: Jamie A. <email@example.com>
As much as I enjoy your comic and youtube updates, I (and a few fellow fans I've chatted with) have been kind of disappointed at the neglect you've been showing your Juggalo fanbase.
Juggalos are a family and we support you, but it would be nice to get a shout out from you every now and again too. Any plans to introduce a Juggalo Sonichu or at least break out the face paint again in the future?
Hey, when will Sailor Megtune return to the comic? She was my favorite character and I hate that she hasn't been in the comic since forever.
My grandfather recently had to be put on adult diapers. What adult diapers do you use and recommend?
You once said that you aren't interested in dating people with mental handicaps. Is this still true? If so, don't you think that makes you a hypocrite? After all, you have one.
My friends at the Church of Satan and I love Sonichu. Our favorite thing about it is all the black majick you practice. We love the Curse-Ye-Hame-Ha. Can you teach us how to perform this curse in a future video? We would really appreciate that.
Also, how did you manage to bring your dead dog back to life? We've tried everything from sacrificing goats to virgin blood, but nothing will bring my Poochie back. What's the trick?
|From: Peter Joseph Arthur Wellington <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Greetings Mr Christian Weston Chandler. I want to reassure you first of all that I am a big fan of yours and that I really appreciate your comics. I want to draw your attention to a pretty serious matter though.
You claim to be a descendent to Anne Boleyn, but Anne Boleyn only had one child - Elizabeth Tudor, also known as Queen Elizabeth I of England. Her Majesty quite famously remained a virgin her entire life, something that we British people are very proud of. In fact we are so proud of her virginity that we named a part of America after it in honour of it: Virginia.
The state in which you live in is proof enough that you cannot be related to Queen Elizabeth I or Anne Boleyn. If you continue to say that you are, you will be tarnishing the good name of our most popular historic ruler. You are upsetting a lot of English people and causing them a great deal of stress and offence, and so I advise you to drop this foolish claim that any English person knows cannot be true.
I do not wish to cause you stress or offence Mr Chandler, but you need to be warned that you are causing the millions of British people worldwide undue amounts of mental trauma and disrespect.
|From: Super Greg <email@example.com>
Hey Chris-Chan. Big fan! I love all the content you've been putting out lately, but I was wondering about something.
How come you stopped making videos displaying your grand amounts of strength? I found them very inspiring and I wish there were more. Maybe make some with you doing sit ups or jumping jacks or any other various exercises. Thanks.
|From: Sean Watley <firstname.lastname@example.org>
I actually haven't smoked pot for years and years. It's kind of silly that you assume I'm some kind of huge drug addict just because of my comic strip's subject matter. It would be like me assuming that you're actually a mayor of a city full of Pokemon and Transformers because that's what you write about in your comic.
Now that I think about it, do YOU smoke pot? It would explain the laziness, your weight, why you sit around playing video games all day, and your idea about cartoons being real in another dimension. Not that I have anything against pot, I just think people shouldn't blow their welfare money on drugs (video games, too).
Also, I'm finishing the Sonichu Christmas story. Mine is a lot more "true and original" than anything you've written. In mine, Sonichu and Rosechu live in a cheap motel and sell their bodies for crystal meth. I'm doing it now because real artists complete seasonal things months in advance, instead of waiting until mid-December to start working on Christmas stuff. Oh, and in your Christmas story nothing interesting or important happens, so there's no reason to read it. Your fans will enjoy my version much, much more. The opening pages are available on the Asperpedia, along with other comics that don't suck.
|From: Kaiser Wilhelm <email@example.com>
Why did you say Moon-Pals isn't any good because it's a parody? Sonichu is a parody of Sonic and Pokemon.
The revised Mailbag 58
Chris never wrote any of these replies. Take them with a grain of salt!
|From: frank leborsky <firstname.lastname@example.org>
My name is Winston and I am a follower of yours. Much like you I believe in truth and honesty, though there does not seem to be much left in this world. My message is brief because I am probably being watched. There is never knowing for sure. I have questions I would like you to answer: -What do you think the future will be like? -We both know that the world is pretty grim right now. You're a smart man, you know denying this is just stupid. Do you think there is hope for the future? If so, how? What do you think will change? -If the government were to capture you because they deemed you as dangerous, and were to torture you until you finally confess, who would you not be able to betray? Who are you closest to in this world?
|Your questions are very Sad and Depressing, just like the News. I apologize but I must ignore you to keep my Blissful Ignorance intact.|
|From: Brittany Candass <email@example.com>
I'm a huge fan of the comic and have been following it since about 2 months ago. I've read everything about you, the Love Quest, your band, etc. I think you should do a Sonichu Vs. side-comic (with characters from Halo, Gears of War, and others). With your great artistic talent, you could really make it come to life. Also, I know you wouldn't have any bias when it came to the victors because of your HONEST content policy. Lastly, you should be a character in there as well, it would spice things up a bit.
Good Luck on your Love Quest, Brittany
|You sound like an attractive woman! Let's make a deal, I will make Any Comics You Want if you come to my house and have some Hanky-Panky with me. Please? I'm a Virgin!|
|From: Sam Eagle <firstname.lastname@example.org>
I've been reading all these new pages of Sonichu you've relased in the past few weeks and I must say THEY ARE GREAT! Really, you're doing such a good job with Sonichu. Thanks a lot for doing this comic for us fans. I can't wait to see how the plot will progress!!!
|Thanks I guess, although I'm disappointed that Sonichu has yet to get me any China. That's my Only Goal and I'm sad to see it Unfulfilled.|
|From: From: Frank Miller <email@example.com>
On a lighter, more personal note, gotta say one thing I really dig about your books is how you write your female characters. They're empowered, intelligent and sexy, that's how I like my dames.
|Well, Frank, I don't like my women Intelligent or Empowered, as both make them much less likely to want Sex with Me. If I could find a Stupid, Weak woman who has Large Breasts, she would be my perfect Sweetheart! Thankfully my current girl friend seems to be Stupid, Weak, and Crazy, so I might have a shot! Wish me luck!|
|From: David Hubbard <firstname.lastname@example.org>
On the Cwcipedia pages for Rosey and Sonee, you said that they evolve at a high friendship, or happiness level, however, your newest character, Sandy Rosechu evolved after only one week! This must mean that she is happier than Robbie, Cerah, and Christine. Are Sonichu and Rosechu bad parents? Their kids are clearly very unhappy, or else they would have evolved by now!
|I don't know why Sonichu and Rosechu's children haven't Evolved yet. I make sure Sonichu and Rosechu have Good, Straight Incest with their children on a Regular Basis, which SHOULD raise their Friendship Level significantly! Why wouldn't anyone want to have Sex?! I don't understand, but hopefully they will Evolve Soon.|
|From: Hal Emmerich <email@example.com>
Chris, exactly how strong would you say the average Sonichu or Rosechu is? I'm only asking because recently, one of them was not only fainted, but killed by an attack from a Voltorb. Voltorbs have a very low physical attack power, about equal to Luvdisc, a very feeble pokemon. Even a powerful move like Explosion wouldn't be very powerful against your average fully evolved Pokemon. Using Raichu as an example, the average explosion from a Voltorb of equal level to a Raichu would leave a Raichu alive with energy to spare, and certainly not faint it, much less kill it.
My only conclusion from this is that Sonichus and Rosechus are incredibly weak Pokemon, and that it's probably a good thing that they are very fast, because if an attack ever struck them, they would probably die as easily as Simonla did.
|SONICHU AND ROSECHU ARE NOT WEAK. The Voltorb was from a HACKED GAME, Evan used an Action Replay to raise Voltorb's attack to 999 so he was sure to kill Simonla. Thankfully that cheating, murdering, trolling bastard is DEAD now, killed in Righteous Vengeance by Wild and young Sandy. Now that she murdered him, she can grow up Well Adjusted!|