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Mailbag 17

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Mailbag 17 was uploaded on 10 December 2009. On 13 December, Chris answered some of these questions, rejected some others, and filed the others in his various not-quite-rejected-but-fuck-you-anyways folders, including a brand new rejected mailbag for letters about Sonichu parodies. Despite all the stress this would doubtlessly cause Chris, he somehow still found the strength to spend an hour and a half writing the first bit of A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas Story.

Answered

Fun with editing

From: Jorge Rodriguez <r.jorge72@yahoo.com>

Chris,

Much like you, I am a straight male, but everybody thinks I am a homosexual. They told me the only way to prove I am straight is to make a video of myself making out with a Woman man, then say it was AWESOME disgusting. Should I make the video to prove I'm straight? What's the best way to prove I AM STRAIGHT?

Yours in the bear,

Jorge Rodriguez

P.S. You mentioned that when you see a dick, you get disgusted and look away, but what will you do if you're changing your son's diaper? How can you change his diaper while not looking at him? Will you cover his dick with your Sonichu medallion so you can't see it?

Chris added the italicized words and strikethroughs. Then, on the on the early morning of the 15th of December, he removed his alterations and displayed the email as it was originally written. We have retained his changes for the sake of completeness.

There are other ways; but like I have just corrected your letter, you should Make Out With A Woman and say it was Awesome, not how it was originally written, and make the video on that.

I'll deal with changing my children's diapers when I cross that bridge.

--ChrisChanSonichu 04:56, 14 December 2009 (CET)

After deleting his alterations to the letter, Chris edited his own reply to match. The italicized words were deleted in the early hours of 15 December 2009.

Chris's receding hairline disagrees

From: jromans73@aol.com

What kind of hair products have you tried? I noticed in some of your newer videos that your hair is thinning and you are going bald so I was wondering what products you tried so far. Have you tried Rogaine? - Joe Romans

Firstly, I am NOT going bald, and second, I use AXE brand Freeze Anti-Dandruff Shampoo & Conditioner. As portrayed in ALL their comercials, AXE is for the Straight Man to help them Get and Keep Their Woman. Now on the Playstation Network for Free, Download the NEW Smooth Jarvis Theme where it further proves that AXE is for the everyday Straight Man. And go Pits-To-Chest with the AXE brand Deoderants as well, availble in most retail stores. --ChrisChanSonichu 04:56, 14 December 2009 (CET)

Too bad it will never happen

From: Bret Kinney <bretkinney@gmail.com>

What would you do if you DID get married?

Live the everday American life as a Happily Married man and Father.

Hamsty tackles the hard issues

From: Hamsty the Hamster <hamstythehamster@gmail.com>

How do you feel about Barack Obama's stance on health care?

Do you feel the stimulus has done its part to strengthen America or has it worsened the economy? Why or why not?

Do you believe Joe Biden is doing a good enough job? Why? Do you believe in global warming? Why?

It is fair, but America is NOT ready for Obama's plan yet, because we can not afford it yet. The yearly stimulus helps well; it's more money in our pockets to spend as we wish. Joe is doing what he can. I am against global warming, because it would be terrible for the Earth.

Chris has thought about this way too much

From: jpopstar666@aol.com

If you woke up one morning to find you were a female, what would you do?

Actually, I had imagined that situation before and thought about it, in the scenario where I had a mind/body-swap with a woman. Firstly, I would be surprised, but I would maintain my cool. I would contact my cell or home number, talk to the other person in my body, and get the news of her daily routine, and I would tell her mine, and we'd go along as such until we switched back. --ChrisChanSonichu 04:56, 14 December 2009 (CET)

Having sex with someone under false pretenses is not cool

From: Chris Hutchinson <menchib@gmail.com>

Hello again Chris!

You just proclaimed in your latest comic that you went to the future and had awesome sex with your future wife! Congratulations! Now my question is, do we get to find out who your future wife is soon? We're all dying to find out! And secondly will your future wife ever find out that a past version of her husband came to the future to rape her? Thanks again Chris, keeps those awesome comics coming!

I made that Clear, her Name is Lovely Weather, and she is a hot woman who is smart, sweet and all that goodness. AGAIN, IT WAS NOT RAPE; she mistook me for my future self, and INVITED ME to have sex with her.

In which Chris assumes he is like Jerry Seinfeld and then misses the point entirely

From: Sacha <lordbeluga@gmail.com>

Salutations Christian,

Consider this hypothetical scenario; say that your Adult Chronicles game idea were to be instead adapted into a Live-Action movie (like Dragon Ball Zs recent Transition to the Big Screen) and by some strange, Twist of Fate, you weren't able to star in the movie as yourself, who would you choose to Fill Your Role?

Which actor do you think possesses your Likeness the most?

Who would play Sonichu and Rosechu?

Who would you get to direct?

Much Regards, Sacha

Off the top of my head, I'd want Jerry Seinfeld to play me in the movie. I'd want to direct it myself, if not, then someone else, I don't know that many directors. Sonichu and Rosechu - Me and my gal-pal would Voice them.

Wet dreams

Dear Chris,

I, much like you, received a vision of God, Jesus in my dreams telling me that I will have a son named Copper -- like the useful conductive metal. I have been recycling my son for many years now but I have had several STRESSFUL and FRANTIC situations with regards to my comeuppance. Sometimes I dream of me and my one true and honest love engaging in the acts of sex. When I awaken from these acts of sex I find that my briefs or sheets have been filled with my future to be son. The first time this happened I screamed and frantically sucked up my son so he would be safe within me once more.

This problem in the past had only occurred every once in a great while. I find it happening more frequently and find myself waking up and frantically sucking my son out of my sheets or briefs as I continue to dream more and more of my elusive, one true love. I was wondering if you, being a prominent figure that I look up have had problems like this yourself. Do you have any advice for me on how I can be more prepared for this situation? I really could use some pointers here because I am very afraid that I may lose my son if I am not ever vigilant in recycling myself, even when I sleep.

Your true and honest loyal fan,

-Stu Pidass (P.S. I apologise if you find my name offensive, it was legally changed years ago during a blackmail incident and I cannot change it back yet. Damn those trolls.)

Try thinking of OTHER things that are NOT romantic or sexual, like sports or whatever; the different topics would change your dreams.

Gone Forever

This letter marks the first time since Mailbag 2 that Chris has failed to save a rejected email.

It will probably be several weeks before Chris figures out how to unsubscribe from this

From: Gay & Lesbian Leadership SmartBrief <lgbt@smartbrief.com>

As lead editor, I'd like to thank you for subscribing to Gay & Lesbian Leadership SmartBrief, a summary of the most important industry news delivered to your inbox 2x/week. You'll receive your first newsletter shortly.

In the meantime, please visit (and bookmark!) our Web site for breaking industry news and an archive of past issues: http://www.smartbrief.com/news/lgbt

To ensure smooth delivery of Gay & Lesbian Leadership SmartBrief, be sure to add lgbt@smartbrief.com to your address book. If needed, please whitelist the following domains: smartbrief.com and dailylead.com

Also, be sure to share the newsletter with your colleagues via our Tell-a-Friend system: http://www.smartbrief.com/news/lgbt/passiton.jsp

I am so pleased to welcome you to our community and look forward to having you as a subscriber. If you have any questions or comments, don't hesitate to contact me at lgbt@smartbrief.com.

Best, Robert DiGiacomo Lead Editor

Rejected Mailbag

The cure for morons

From: Johnny Winter <winterjohnny@ymail.com>

Hi Chris!

I recently read your spoilers regarding your return from the time void and it left me with one question:

1) When you briefly visited the future and recieved the shot of the straight gene to cure you, why didn't you think to ask them for the cure for being slow in the mind as well?

Thanks and I can't wait for issue number 10!

Strike City

From: gay_luvr_1979@homosexual.net

Hey Chris, sweety, it's me!

I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed our sex-time together in the toilet of that Gay Club we went to. You're so sexy! I can't wait to see you again next week ;-)

So I'll pick you up at the airport at 5:30pm, okay? See you then, sweety!

Love and kisses, Tom

P.S. Wear that cute brown stripey shirt again, okay?

P.P.S. Have you told that told that prissy little girlfriend of yours that it's over yet? It gives me so much stress thinking of all the time you spend making sex-time with her when you should be with me! *sigh*

Once again, the strikethroughs were added by Chris for some unknowable reason. This was obviously an attempt to get Chris to blackmail Liquid over his alleged homo affair, but Chris seems to have been too dim to pick up on this.

Imitable acts

From: jdavs5000@aol.com

My son was recently suspended from his school for a day for "kicking [another student] in the genitalia." When I asked him where he learned that shit, he told me "from Sonichu." Having no clue about this Pokeman shit (I'm not a ten year old kid), I looked it up as well as your Sonichu drawings.

While I support people standing up for themselves, what kind of pussy resorts to dirty fighting and hitting a man in the balls? Not a real man, I'll tell you that. What are you, Chris? 12 years old? I'd think so, judging by how you "fight" and all those fucking toys and your baby ass drawings. Take my advice: grow up, grow a pair, get a fucking job, and move out of your mom's house. You're a burden on your goddamn parents, and not because you're handicap, but just because you're a fucking lazy slob who never grew up.

Autism Mailbag

In which Chris fails to man up to what he said about autism shots

From: John <jpala821@mail.com>

"Autism is Not Genetic; it comes from a shot the doctor's optionally give to the child after birth. --ChrisChanSonichu 05:48, 10 December 2009 (CET)" - You said you got your "Autism" from your babysitter, and now you're saying doctors give Autism shots!? Are you lying to your true and honest fans like you have lied to Megan, Kacey, and a whole bunch of other people in your life let alone serious about this statement!? I am insulted by this, as it made my decision to not only abandon supporting your comic, but also give you the cash you need to get rid of those ads, Mr. Chandler. Congratulations on isolating another Sonichu fan.

Let me get back to you on that

In which Chris ignores a bunch of perfectly reasonable questions

From: Super Woyzeck <superwoyzeck@hotmail.co.uk>

Dear Christain

I have some issues I would like clarification upon:

1. This may seem like an odd question, but how in Sonichu canon do you expect Sonichu and Rosechu to die? Feel free to not answer the question if it is relevent to a future plot point, but if not, it would be interesting to know what the life expectancy of the Sonichus is.

2. Do Rosechus go through the menopause?

3. Are Sonichus and Rosechus different species? If not, what is the collective term for the species?

4. Do Sonichus and Rosechus base physical attraction on colour? There appears to be little or no physical difference between Sonichus other than their colour which is confusing enough, but they all have identical beliefs and similar personalities. Are all Sonichus and Rosechus sexually attracted to one another? If not, how do they pair up?

5. What do Sonichus eat? Do they hunt animals or do they eat grass?

6. Do all Sonichus have the same "job" - protecting CWCville - or are some of them in other industries? I imagine one Sonichu could probably power the whole of CWCville constantly. Is it possible for Sonichus to "tap into" their powers to use their natural electicity as a source of cheap power?

7. If Sonichus create electricity, does that mean that they have to eat more frequently than Sonic? Do they give off heat or any other natural by-product of power production? How eco-friendly is a Sonichu?

8. When a Sonichu's penis is flaccid and retracted into their abdomen, are they identical to Rosechus? Surely all they must have visible on the outside is a little slit. Do Sonichus ever mistake each other for Rosechus?

By the way, I liked the ending of Sonichu 9. It was very moving. From Woyzeck (a big f***ing fan).

Chris censored the word "fucking" to "f***ing".

Seriously your house is a giant fucking mess

From: rschneider@socialworker.net

Hello Chris

My name is Robert Schneider and I'm a social worker.

I am writing to you to express my deep concern as regards to your family's well-being and more importantly the living conditions you live in. Having seen the tour of your house on youtube and knowing of your parents age I have to ask why have you not cleaned the property?

As a 28 year old seemingly healthy individual, the responsibility to clean up that household really does rest on your shoulders as most social care professionals would deem your mother and father incapable of doing it themselves due to their age and health.

As a friendly piece of advice Christian, I would clean that place out quickly or your parents could well face being put in a care home for the sake of their own good health. Not only this but given your Autism you could well be force to live in an environment more suited to your needs, depending on reassessment.

Please get back to me as this is a serious matter. Rob.

Parodies

Sonichu loves Asperchu no homo

Good, godly, STRAIGHT fun!
From: Alec Benson Leary

Christian,

First of all, I wish to say how sorry I am. I have nothing but the greatist respect for you and your artistic talent, I only meant to show you how awesome I think Sonichu is. I NEVER meant to suggest that Sonichu was a despicable HOMOGAY.

I only wanted to show ASPERCHU and his brother Sonichu having good, godly, STRAIGHT fun together as friends and brothers. So to make up for my previous error, I have created a completely NEW image to show how they are both manly men enjoying the joys of brotherhood.

Your friend and protege,

Alec Benson Leary

YOU HAVE DONE WRONG with this drawing; it only depicts the OPPOSITE OF STRAIGHT, you D.A. There may be a HUMAN character coming into the books with aspergers, but there will certainly NEVER BE A SONICHU or ROSECHU WITH THAT AILMENT.

Chris later went back on this when he brought the "Asperchu" versions of his characters into "Sonichu": they had been "cursed" with Aspergers by Alec, and were healed by Ultra Sonichu.

Sonichu loves everyone long time

From: Sean Watley <seanawatley@gmail.com>

Chris,

http://sonichuisgay.thecomicseries.com

I absolutely will not "stop the presses." This isn't CWCville where you can tell everyone what to do. Furthermore, you gave the go-ahead to this in your November 25th blog. Part of obtaining a copyright for a product or idea is that you retain creative control over what merchandise gets produced. Now you've relinquished that control to anyone who wants to create their own Sonichu merchandise or comics.

Since Sonichu is a comic with a large homosexual following, I'm simply catering to consumer demand by having your male characters engage in explicit gay sex at every opportunity.

Also I couldn't help but notice you didn't comment on "Sonichu is Dead," where all your characters are killed off one by one. Are you implying that death is preferable to being gay? Maybe I'm reading too much into this.

Have a nice day,

Sean August Watley (P.S. When the Gay Sonichu sex toys roll off the assembly line sometime in 2010, I'll be sure you get free samples.)

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For Truth and Honesty, see the archived CWCipedia page on Mailbag 17