Jackie E-mails 20
At this point, things are starting to unravel in the relationship. Chris has almost completed his goal of producing one video for each day in the month of October. Jackie calls out Chris for his hypocrisy and selfishness, which Chris ignores. He contradicts earlier progressive statements by reaffirming his homophobia and self-serving bigotry.
|October 28, 2010 - 3:09pm
You're missing the point. My point is that you told me you would do the videos, no problem. You lied to me. THAT is my problem. Isn't your lying the main thing that has ended all your previous relationships? Yet you still do it constantly. You still think you can just effortlessly lie your way out of any situation you find uncomfortable, regardless of the sheer number of times your own lies have gotten you in trouble or ruined a relationship you were trying to create.
You say that you still have hang-ups against Alec that are "beyond your knowledge". That is a cop-out answer. The point of talking to Alec is so you can figure out why you're still mad at him. We talked about that already. And if you're allowed to hold grudges against Alec and Michael Snyder and Mary Lee Walsh for absolutely no fucking reason beyond you're too lazy to change, why should I be expected to take the risk of changing MY feelings and putting aside my misgivings about your devotion? These October videos are supposed to be your way of proving to me that you really care about me and can actually DO something to show it instead of just repeating the same words over and over. I gave you this contest as a compromise so you could prove your love to me without having to give up your PS3, remember that? I went out of MY way to give YOU that compromise, and yet you STILL complain about every little bit of effort I ask you to do. And then you go and say you have to "put up with a lot from me".
By the way, I wrote to Alec and he responded to me only a couple minutes ago, and he said he hasn't received any email from you in months. So did you lie to me about that, too?
Do you see yet? My chief problem with you is that you lie. You lie. You LIE. ALL THE TIME.
Well, then... I don't want your greasy hair video. I still want a cooking video because as a house husband you are suppose to cook your beloved ME meals. I want you to get some playdough or model magic or something (must be three different colors, use what you've got or go get some at the dollar store) you can MAKE BELIEVE and perform a pretend cooking segment. I want you to line up all his stuffed animals as an audience, pan to the "audience" on occasion, and shape that playdough into dinner. SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALL DINNER. Describe what you're doing, and talk about how you'd want me to feed you it… than giggle and ask for a Bib because it's messy :D Then, at the end, I want to see you "eat" the meal JUST LIKE COOKIE MONSTER. Smush it all over, because you love it and me so much!
So give the contest your all, Chris. You've only got a few days left.
|October 29, 2010 - 8:28pm
Hey Chris. How's it going? I haven't heard from you at all today. I hope you aren't still kicking yourself because you lied to me, I don't want you to feel like you have to shut yourself off from me because of that. I mean, yeah, it hurt me when I found out, and I'm sure you felt bad about telling all these lies. But we need to get past it and just let it be over and done with.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing the videos! What did Alec say when you told him you were doing the parade pages? All he gave me was confirmation that you wrote him, he didn't give any other details on your conversation. Are you going to the library tomorrow then to upload them all? I can't wait!!
XO XO XO XO
|October 30, 2010 - 12:02am
Firstly, I have not lied to you; when I said it was cool on the videos, reference the Spaghetti, I was under the fact of an idea of access to the stove and ingredients at the time. I tried to get ingredients, and I tried to clear the junk away from the stove, all without getting my parents too informed of the video-recording resons behind it all. Not only was I unable to relocate the junk, but my family brought home a meal-sized spaghetti and meatballs frozen dinner instead of individual ingredients. I Mis Spoke; I did not lie. I Mis Spoke.
Same thing on the 9 replacement pages; I said Okay, because I knew truthfully I can do that on the ideas I had so far. But then I read the suggestion on the freakin' parade for Alec, I felt infuriated and frustrated. Speaking of which, I will forward you Alec's two e-mails and my reply. I have realized that aside from the past forgiven reasons on his drawn works, I still feel against him, because he's gay, has Aspergers, and is a male. Further explained in my reply to him I just wrote to him.
Anyway, you will have all of the videos on my YouTube this afternoon.
I'll TTYL. Stay safe and Sweet, and I am sorry for getting angry with you in that e-mail from Wednesday.
|October 30, 2010 - 3:39pm
Chris, I have a lot to say, so make sure you read every word of this.
Um, yes you did lie. You lied to me. Why are you bringing up the spaghetti video? You know the lie I was talking about was whether you were going to do the parade comic pages. You told me you would, then you told Samantha you wouldn't. There's a lie in there somewhere. And I see in the email you sent him that you asked him to bail you out and get me to back off of the comic page idea. So obviously you meant it when you told Samantha you wouldn't do it.
And then you DIDN'T do it. I told you to do a parade comic, and you said this: "I'll do all of that for you, but with such tall orders, It'll be Saturday when I'll drive to the library again and upload them all." That's a quote from you. You said you'd do the videos as I ask. But that was a lie. You never meant to do the parade comic. You just decided to redo the comic exactly the same as before, with Alec and his friends being found guilty for doing nothing wrong.
And about that: you're telling me that it's okay to keep hating Alec because... you're a close-minded bigot. Is that supposed to make me feel good? You've had months to get over all this. Talk to him like a man already. He doesn't deserve this hatred from you. And you actually tried to get HIM to lie to me for you and tell me to give up on the comic pages? After all the vile things you said to him, you actually asked him for a favor. Do you even understand that relationships are a two-way street? That you can't treat someone like pure shit for no reason and then ask them to do nice things for you? Do you get that at all? Or do you think that because he's MALE that makes him bad and that he automatically owes you something? You say trolls are awful people, but you feel perfectly fine about continuing to torment this guy for no reason. And apparently the love of a girl like me isn't worth overcoming your childish anger for.
Why did you even bother asking him to tell me to back off of the parade thing when you weren't going to bother doing it anyway? You obviously didn't care whether I wanted it or not, you just weren't going to do it.
And you also lazily cut corners on virtually every other video, despite saying "I'll do all of that for you":
I have to bring up once AGAIN that this whole contest was a compromise. MY compromise. For YOU. You won't get rid of your stupid video game for me, so rather than let that break us up, I decided to come up with this contest instead. That way you could keep your precious video game, and I could still see some proof that you love me. But what do I get? You fail to upload videos on time. You wouldn't even make a drive to the library to upload them for WEEKS until after the 100th time I asked you to give a shit about giving me my videos. You cut corners in your videos. You refuse to do any video that causes the least bit of "stress", despite the woman you claim to love asking you to do it for you. You won't make the parade comic for me. It's not even about fucking Alec, it's about ME. I AM THE ONE THAT WANTED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, NOT HIM, AND YOU STILL DECIDED I WASN'T WORTH DOING IT FOR.
You know Chris, I wouldn't be so frustrated if you would just ADMIT when you have done something wrong to me. But no, you have to rationalize your way out of it every chance you think you've got, even when it's so obvious what you did. You sit there and tell me that you love me more than your video games but you won't give them up. What else matters more than I do, Chris? Does your petty grudge against people like Alec Benson Leary matter more than me? Looks like it does, since you won't do the comic I asked for. Stop SAYING words that don't mean anything and DO what I ask you to instead, then maybe I'll believe you.
I'm going to be honest with you, Chris. Lars contacted me recently. He wants me back. At first I was going to say no, I definitely wouldn't want him back because I had something better. But after seeing how you try to cut corners with the girl you "love" and do the least possible effort to win her over, I'm starting to have my doubts. You know what Lars said he did? He burned all his boats. Every last one of them. Says he doesn't need them anymore, that I am more important than they are. And he burned them before even contacting me, before even knowing what my answer would be, because he knew that even if I didn't take him back his life will still be better for overcoming his addiction. Would YOU be willing to get rid of your PS3 for me? Oh wait, we've answered that question. No, you wouldn't.
You failed this contest, Chris. I gave you every leeway possible and you still failed it because you didn't feel motivated enough to put down your video games long enough to do a good job and do what I ask of you. But I'm going to give you one more chance. I'm going to call you soon, and I'm going to have Lars on the phone with me. I want you to debate with Lars over why you think you're a better partner for me than he is. I'm telling him the same terms apply to him. I'll be listening to the call as it happens. All you have to do is prove that you can be a better partner than Lars will be. He won't be rude or insulting, he'll be polite and on his best behavior - I'm making him, he knows if he gets immature then I'll get rid of him - so you'd better be on your best behavior, too. I want to hear two adults talking, not two children.
I'll write back soon to discuss when we can make this call happen, it will be within the next few days. If you really love me, you'll do it, I don't care which of your favorite TV shows the call might interrupt.
|October 31, 2010 - 8:27am
Well, I have read and understood what you wrote. Firstly, let me just say I was in shock about what I read. Second, I am sorry for cutting corners. I am sorry for not making a parade for Alec; I did not feel at ease with myself on drawing a parade. I am sorry for telling Alec to call off the parade thing when I as not going to do it anyway. I am sorry about not wearing a sari or a bead on my head; I had forgotten those two details, but I had written down that you wanted the Bollywood video, and I did it in my bra. I had real spaghetti; I offered some to the camera; I mde like a pig (a small pig, perhaps) and troghed it and got the sauce on my face. I really, truly Love and Care about you, Jackie. I am notthe world's "perfect" man, but I did what I was able to do and draw; it was not all that easy, mentally, to me. I'm going to church in a bit, but I will converse with you and Lars over the phone later, and I will be most mature about it. Just let me know the area code to watch for on my caller ID, and the approx. time.
|October 31, 2010 - 1:23pm
I'll let you know a little bit later when I'll be able to make the call happen. In the meantime, thank you for realizing how hurt I was by your lies and cutting corners. You know what I'd really love? I'd love you to remake the parade pages the proper way for me, as a sign of your apology :)
Talk to you soon,
|November 1, 2010 - 3:40pm
I'm still wating to hear back on the call details or when you'll be in CVille for our meet and dates.
Straght up, I have drawn my replacement pages; I am not going to draw a parade for Alec. But I wll apologize to him for the way I have felt about him, and I will reprogram my mind to dislike him less.
Something else on my mind; it has come to my attenton that I end up pausing to keep my train of thought going from time to time. And confidentally, I have realized with that, I am mentally slow,or to put it in the other, more insulting to me term, retarded. Big whoop-de-do reason why I take time thinking about details and things. I have in the past hurt myself metaphorically, and hurt other's feelings, because my instinct responses were not all the best chosen. But I am a smart person, and I am well-educated. Ths s also why looked up to Sonic the Hedgehog as my lifelong hero, because he's not only quck in the feet, but also in the head. I may have missed a detal or two when I made the videos, but I still made them; it took me time to think on how I was to make them. But I still made them For You, because I care a Lot about you, Jacklyn.
Also, ths may be a bad idea to bring this up, but after thinking about it, I feel it is in your best interest out of my care for you to bring it up. Lars has hurt you before, Jacklyn. He OTC Abortion Drugged your coffee and killed the first growing life inside you. fear that f you went back to him, he may do it again, or even worse. Plus he may be lying about burning his boats; he may have said that, but he may only be saying it in an attempt to one-up himself over me. You told me so yourself before; Lars is NO Good. And as your caring boyfriend, I have to agree and remind you in warning.
I will still have the phone conversation if you stll feel it is for the best.
I worry and care about you a lot, Jackie. I Love You.
Stay Safe and Sweet. TTYL,
|November 1, 2010 - 4:05pm
So you "love" me, but you won't do the comic pages the way I want. Or do anything else for me that is even a little bit uncomfortable. You won't put aside your feelings and do something I want. I guess that shows what option you'll take any time in the future when faced with a choice between my happiness and your own.
You say you "may have missed a detal or two when I made the videos, but I still made them". So does that mean you are retracting your admission that you cut corners to be lazy? Doesn't matter much whether you do or not, I know that's what you did. I told you repeatedly that getting the details right was every bit as important as making the videos themselves. You make up things like "I am not expected to make videos exactly to the letter", even though I'M the one doing the expecting, and I told you that being exact was a requirement. You just keep making up these little excuses and deciding that's how reality is, even though your made-up reality doesn't come close to being true.
I have proof of Lars burning the boats, he showed me a video of doing it himself. Unlike you, he hasn't dropped all his money and priorities and gone and replaced them in a matter of days like you did with your PS3, so that's another strike against you there. Also, considering the sheer number of lies you've told me in the past week, I don't think you're in a position to be calling him a liar.
Anyway, I don't mean to say this to throw it in your face. I just think it's stuff you should use to help prepare yourself for the call. I've arranged it with Lars for this Wednesday night at 10:30 sharp. Be ready.
|November 2, 2010 - 9:39pm
Hey Chris, I haven't heard from you today. Just making sure you'll be available for the call tomorrow night?
|November 3, 2010 - 5:00pm
Chris, have you even been checking your email? I need to know whether you're going to answer if I call you tonight or not.
|November 4, 2010 - 10:40am
I'm sorry for not checking my e-mail lately, and I was up last night at 10:30 with my cell phone on full ring volumn, waiting for your call. And you dd not call. I thought it was obvious that unless I tell you otherwise, go ahead and call. But you dd not call. Aside from that and the disappointment of not getting your expected call, I felt like shit already from you continuing to call me a liar; I have told you mostly the truth, and the rest of time were MisSpeaks. And How did you think I was going to feel after reading your response after the e-mail I sent you a few days ago caringly reminding you of Lar's horrendous deed and what he may do unto you in the future if you went back to him regardless of his sunken battleships? I felt I was "up a creek without a paddle" in this relationship, and I felt really down on myself between hat and my realization of the fact I am retarded often.
I just don't know anymore. I have done a Lot for you, and all I seem to mostly get is gripe and little appreciation from you for my efforts.
I care a LOT about you, Jacklyn Romy, but this relationship appears to be on its rockiest of rip tides to me. Mainly it is up to you on the decision of staying with a considerably slow-minded, honest man who would show you a ton of care and affection, or going back to the ex who killed his own seed in your womb and may do worse than that (granted there are other details about that relationship I may or may not be aware of).
I am feeling really down and crestfallen on myself right now. You think about it all, and do not respond or send me another e-mail or call if this is really the end of our relationship between you and me, and you go running back to Lars or you're going to say, "Maybe we should see other people."
|November 5, 2010 - 4:39pm
Hey Chris! Sorry I couldn't come back to the phone last night after I turned you over to Lars. But I am so impressed that you two hit it off so well!! I thought for sure it might be awkward for you two to talk, but the both of you showed some surprising maturity. I'm so impressed with my two boys!! And what's more, Lars was telling me last night that you told him you were going to do the parade comic for me the right way!!! Wow Chris, that will be such a sweet gesture. I look forward to seeing it in all its glory! Make sure it's colored and detailed as well as you used to do with your comic.
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