Though most of the content of this mailbag was unsurprising, a few beautiful moments of insight are to be found scattered about. Most notably, Chris still felt that the only way one could possibly be frightened by ShecameforCWC.JPG would be if they had no idea what sex was. He also took a few moments to try to justify the boneheaded way he overloads his comics with tons of text, goes off on tangents about how he hates homosexuals in messages where he said he didn't hate gay people, revealed his IQ, indulged in some mild sexism, and confirmed that yes, he did go to couples' therapy all alone. Out of all of these, the oddest revelation was that when he hears the word "Asperger's," he immediately thinks of "competing retards."
|From: Stephen Mayer <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Hey Chris, I'm a long time fan of the comic but I have to ask, why don't you trim down the dialogue? Many pages consist of poorly placed word bubbles taking up half the page to say something that could be expressed in a much more concise manner. A good comic SHOWS the viewer things rather than telling them. The human mind is very astute and can pick up on visual cues easily, so there is no need to spell everything out as you do in these long, rambling monologues. Thank you.
|I feel preference to elaborate, because some people rarely get visual references. Look it up in most other Comic Books; they have loads of dialogue, plus I.M.H.O., with my dialogue pages, it saves marker ink in comparison to most pages.|
Because only a straight person would write several pages about how he's not gay
|From: Ulysses Vedder <email@example.com>
Hey Christian, I'm glad to see you're supporting the homosexual rights movement as illustrated by the ads on your site! After all, it's not like there's any physical harm in being gay ;)
|You are wrong, I AM AGAINST THAT LIFESTYLE, as I have stated multiple times to other letters as well, plus READ this Page I wrote expressing my opinions on it.|
Hilariously abusive childhood
|From: Ray Fry <firstname.lastname@example.org>
In one mailbag, it says you were beaten up by teachers, and that they even recorded it. Do you honestly believe this? Not to be mean, but it'd take a gullible, naive person to buy into something like that. If the teachers had recorded them beating you up, they'd be fired and jailed. Any thinking person knows this. So what did really happen to you? Please don't lie this time.
|I did not lie; THAT REALLY HAPPENED, and IT WAS TERRIFYINGLY HORRIBLE. --ChrisChanSonichu 08:54, 19 December 2009 (CET)|
|From: Jamie Roodtuo <email@example.com>
Hi! I am from Rhode Island, so I am right near you don't you know. I am a 22 year old girl going to school to be a dentist. YAH!! Oops, sorry, enough about me. Question for you!
I know how Rosechu posed for Pokeboy, but could some of the males of cwcville pose for Pokegirl? There are so few good pictures for me to look at and be interested in as I am not into girls. Blake seems like a cutie and I bet Wild would be, well, WILD. lol
Please take it into consideration!
|I did take it under consideration, and although it is a fair idea, I am not one to draw male characters in the nude WITHOUT a nude woman with them. I'll leave those pieces to the good female artists to draw. --ChrisChanSonichu 08:54, 19 December 2009 (CET)|
|From: Marilyn Savant <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Have you ever taken an IQ test? What were the results? If you haven't taken a test or you don't remember, what would you estimate your IQ to be? Just wondering, because if your description is correct, then your high-function autism likely puts you far above the normal range of intelligence. Thanks, and zap to the extreme!
Marilyn vos Savant
|I have taken a test, and last I checked, I have an IQ of 150.|
note that an IQ of 150 would be labeled as "very superior intelligence", which Chris likely does not have.
Oh my god he still doesn't get it
|From: Shane Smith <email@example.com>
In regards to the drawing of Megan, what in the hell did you mean "wishful thinking"? Do you realize that what you drew scared everybody? Do you have a Woody Allen complex or something like that?
|I was 25 years old when I drew that; you are likely still a minor; a LOT of ADULTS appreciate the sexual arts regardless of positions and finger gestures. You will understand when you are grown up to over 18 or 21.|
|From: Fiendish Dr. Wu <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Have you ever considered putting together a Sonichu Expo? I imagine it'd be like Penny Arcade Expo (PAX) or maybe E3. True and honest fans could gather from around the country to discuss Sonichu, buy merchandise, and praise you, the creator of Sonichu.
Please post where I can buy tickets to such an event should it ever happen. Thank you!
|I am considering a small convention, and extensive planning is underway, so it may come to be.|
Chris: champion of human rights
|From: Ohni Pasilius <email@example.com>
You talked earlier something about curing homosexuality with your blood. In my homeland, all homos are shot. I think that is way more efficient, since you cant have enough blood to cure all homos.
|DUDE!!! WHAT THE F***?! Killing people like that is wrong, PLUS in Genetic Engineering, there are methods used to multiply/copy the gene from ONE blood cell to create all the vaccine required worldwide.|
Chris went to couples therapy alone
|From: Bridgette Jane <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Big fan, I remember in a recent video you mentioned going to a relationship class. How was your experience, what was it like, and is there any lessons you can pass down to us, your fans.
|It was a pleasant class. The most important lesson is to Look At Yourself; count all your positives you have to offer, then sort out the qualities you are looking for in your Sweetheart, and consider multiple real-life scenarios within and around relationships. --ChrisChanSonichu 08:54, 19 December 2009 (CET)|
When Chris hears the word "aspergers" he thinks of the Special Olympics
|From: Yagami Raito <email@example.com>
Does the word 'aspergers' really make you mad that bad like the word "naive."
Also what is the first thing on your mind when you hear the word 'aspergers?'
|Yes, but Naive is WORSE. The first words that comes to mind are Competing Retards.|
In which Chris ignores the important questions
|From: Mike Oxaflopin <firstname.lastname@example.org>
If you'll remember, I'm the guy who sent you the question about why the Sonichus don't wear pants in Mailbag 16, and you called me a name. Is D.A. supposed to mean dumbass? That's a very rude thing to call a confused fan, why would you even do that? Also, if that's the case, then why do the Rosechus wear clothes if they don't need to? Your portrayal of them seems to portray that they're not afraid to go without them, as in them being eager to strip for women's rights. I am very confused.
|I dress my Sonichus and Rosechus as I see fit, and I leave it at that at varying appropriate times.|
We cannot see Chris's report cards
|From: Bob Bobson <email@example.com>
Chris, we all know that you're smart and all, can we see your report cards so we can know how smart?
It also might help discourage the trolls if they know that they are dealing with a genius!
|My report cards are tucked away beyond my reach.|
Villainous sons of b*****s
|From: Maria Angelica Peres Lopez <firstname.lastname@example.org>
I want to tell you that I read your comics every day, and I'm very interested on it, specially the parts regarding your relation to the internet.
So, please, please, please, please, could you tell me what do you think have been the worst thing that trolls have done to you? What have you done against them? How do you endure all what they have done to you? What do you think they would do next? What do you think it's the worst think they could do next?
I know that remembering some of those it could cause some stress to you, but it's very important to me to know, in order to understand you better.
I hope you can answer this letter with your honest opinion.
|In a few keywords of their deeds: Deception, Identity Theft, Theft of Private Information, Humiliation, Blackmail, Mockery, Slander, Exaggerations, Mislabels, Bullying, Torturing, Lying, Conniving, Two-Face, Double-Dealing, No-Good, Villainous Sons Of B*****s.|
Chris misses the point again
|From: Bob Bobson <email@example.com>
I've heard that you had to leave Richmond because your neighbors were spreading rumors about you!
Is this true? It's such a pity that people would lie about such a charming person!
|No, that is FALSE; I left Richmond, because it was felt that the more appropriate College for me was back in Charlottesville.|
That d*** Hitler
|From: Jack Dison <firstname.lastname@example.org>
I am absolutely disgusted with your current story arc in your comics and you should be ashamed of yourself. Homosexual people are happy with their lives and and hurt no one, they don't force their lifestyles or choices onto anyone, and for you to write a story where a "cure" is forced upon them like they have some sort of contagious disease is despicable, you wiping out gay people is akin to what Hitler did to the jews in world war 2. Are you going to have them round all the gays up into camps so they can "cure" them more easily? These people put up with enough bigotry and their lives can be hard thanks to narrow minded evil people like you. I demand that you stop this sick plotline and apologize to gay people for it, else I will personally see to it that everyone in your fanbase undetstands the kind of evil bigot that you are.
Shocked and appalled,
|I am not like that d*** Hitler at all, and I have not such intentions to your incredible theories of how I would treat the homosexuals. I respect them as people; what they do behind closed doors is NONE OF MY BUSINESS, and I DO NOT CARE FOR IT AT ALL, especially between two dudes; IT IS DISGUSTING AND HORRIBLE.|
|From: Cad Earnest <email@example.com>
Hey Chris. I have been reading your mailbag and I've noticed one thing. You seem to never admit you're wrong about ANYTHING, especially the aspergers and autism thing. Why do you think you're correct and the dozen or so people providing psychological or medical sources showing aspergers is linked to autism are wrong?
Could you explain why you are a reliable source on Aspergers syndrome? and why all the psychologists and doctors who have proof that autism and aspergers are linked are wrong?
|Firstly, I have admitted before of times when I was mistaken and stood corrected. But on this issue, I stand closed-minded to the scientists who DARE put the name of such an ailment that sounds like a BAD CUT OF COW MEAT in any relation to Autism. I will admit that they may be similar, but the two are NOT THE SAME. So, aspergers is NOT ANY FORM OF AUTISM AT ALL.|
A very Asperchu Christmas
|From: Alec-chan Asperchu <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Hey, Chris! I was inspired by your Sonichu and Rosechu christmas story, so I decided to write one for ASPERCHU! I have only completed Part One so far, which is only about two pages, but I definitely have craziness in store for this story! I hope you like it!
An Asperchu Xmas
Asperchu moved to the window. It was lightly flecked with white snow and frost, archipelagos of little crystals like glistening drops of comeuppance, made all the more beautiful against the contrasting dark backdrop of his Grandma Snorlax's cuddly girth as she reclined against the south side of the house. Turning around, he saw the barest hint of Christmas lights scattering their faint rainbow about the room, casting a soft prism of shadows amongst the boxes and laundry baskets in the room. The mixed scent of cat food and bengay gently wafted through the air. All in all, Asperchu was certainly a lucky chu.
"Meow?" he heard coming from his feet. It was Mehmed, looking up at him questioningly, his tail twitching. In the corner, Artaxerxes and Bismarck were wrestling with each other over a ball of yarn. Silly kitties.
"Sorry, Mehmed, I don't have time to play now," said Asperchu, stroking the tabby's fur. "I have to go meet Max at the mall. You be good now." Asperchu walked to the door. "Bye, Grandpa Alzheichu!" he called to the kindly old man resting in the corner, dozing to the sound of minorities mispronouncing state names on The Sing-Off on NBC. He didn't respond. Probably just reminiscing about the days of old, thought Asperchu.
He rounded the corner of the house and waived to his other guardian. "Bye, Grandma Snorlax!" he shouted.
"RGHGHRRRGGHGHAUGHGUUGHLVVZZZVP", she gently snored back. Grandpa Alzheichu said she was still sleeping and would be for a long time, due to being sick with the AIDS, but Asperchu knew in his Strong Heart that she heard him, and her snore was a kindly greeting each time he passed. Some day soon, she would awaken. He just knew it.
Asperchu trekked down the sidewalk, arriving at the gates of the Eden Prairie Mall. "Hi, Asperchu!" he heard a tinny voice shout. He turned and looked, there was Max.
"Oh, hi, Max. How are you?" He said. Max had agreed to meet him here to go Christmas shopping for their friend Jivin's present. "Say, what do you think Jivin would like? We filled his mailbox with Starburst last year and he just thought it was the bees' knees, but we can't just do that again this year." Asperchu paused and frowned in thought. "I was thinking something along the lines of a George Foreman grill or something. I know he mentioned something called "black and milds", but you know I looked them up and turns out they are cigarettes! He should know smoking is wrong. What do you..." Asperchu suddenly noticed Max's pensive look. "What is it, Max?"
"Well," began Max, "the thing is, Jivin confessed to me that he is a little depressed every time Christmas comes around." "Why is that?" Asked Asperchu. "Well, it turns out in the land Jivin comes from, his people celebrate a mysterious festival around the same time of year as Christmas. They call it 'Kwanzaa'".
"Say", said Asperchu, "That sounds downright hinky. Just what the heck is Kwanzaa?"
Well, I looked it up," said Max. "Turns out its a week-long festival during which people of African descent celebrate their culture, history, and heritage. It was started for the purpose of preserving traditions that were under threat of assimilation into the much larger American culture, and is a recognition of unity, family, community, and especially the strength and pride of a collection of cultures from all over Africa."
"Wow, Max, I had no idea!" said Asperchu. "But you know, that is just like Jivin, celebrating the culture of the black peoples in order to give to a race other than his own."
"Well, actually, Asperchu," Max began, "Jivin is bla--"
"You know what we should do?" Asperchu interrupted, excited. "We should put together a Kwanzaa festival for Jivin! I'm sure he'll love it!"
Max's eyes lightened. "You know, Asperchu, that just might work!"
So Asperchu and Max went into the mall. But as Asperchu thought more about it, he realized he might be in over his head a little - after all, he had no idea how Kwanzaa was celebrated! It was time to do some research, he decided...
to be continued in Part Two...
Your friend and protege,
Alec Benson Leary