Mailbag 25

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Mailbag 25 was posted to the CWCipedia on 28 December 2009 by the CWCipedia's Sysop. It was answered on the 29th.

Chris explained that when he calls himself "high-functioning," he really just means that he's high-functioning when compared to people who are severely mentally handicapped. Chris also revealed that he spends two to three hours per day just playing with toys. (So much for "high-functioning.") Perhaps more shocking was Chris's solution to infidelity, which involves having sex with members of your significant other's family. (Unsurprisingly, he most likely got this idea from an episode of Family Guy.) Other highlights included confirmation that Chris lies to his parents, his explosive reaction to a transgender woman (whom he incorrectly identified as a hermaphrodite), and an as-of-yet unexplained disapproval of giving birth via Caesarean section.


In which Chris copy-pastes stuff he does not understand

From: Hamsty the Hamster <>

Yo, what up it's your best friend fo' lyfe! Just wonderin' if you can help me with Hamster HTML 101 cuz ur so great with that shit. It ain't cheating!

1. What is bandwidth?
2. What is HTML?

Well that's all I need help with! CHILLIN'!

You could have look up the terms on Wikipedia, and I quote, "In computer networking and computer science, digital bandwidth, network bandwidth or just bandwidth is a measure of available or consumed data communication resources expressed in bit/s or multiples of it (kbit/s, Mbit/s etc)."
"HTML, which stands for HyperText Markup Language, is the predominant markup language for web pages. It provides a means to create structured documents by denoting structural semantics for text such as headings, paragraphs, lists etc as well as for links, quotes, and other items."

This is perhaps the worst advice Chris has ever given

From: eddie V

Dear Chris,
I just caught my girlfriend cheating on me. Now, I've heard that you're supposed to stay with your first girlfriend because no one else will take her place, but I'm in a bit of a dilemma. What would you do, Christian, if your true and honest sweetheart ever went after another man behind your back?

Sincerely, eddie.

I would talk with her; tell her how you feel about her doing those things with this other dude, but DO NOT voice threat or anger; Maintain a CALM Voice Tone. Then Listen and Comprehend fully on her side of the story without suspicion. Ask her not to do those things with that guy, or come to a compromise; she did that dude, so you could do one of her friends or family with her full knowledge and consent of the act; in that case, she would see from her point of view how you felt when she went out and did that dude.

In which Chris admits he lied to Bob

From: Jeffrey Archer <>

Dear Chris,

As a loyal Sonichu fan I remember that not too long ago you commanded all copies of your house tour for Ivy be removed from the internet. Well, I took down the version I put up right away but when I did a search I was horrified that even more copies were put up.

Then I saw the video of your Dad yelling at you. How was this resolved? Did you lie to him and tell him that all copies were taken off the internet?

Your fan, Jeffrey

I did tell him that it was removed from the internet, and he is still ticked off at me for ever putting it up in the first place.

In which Chris tells someone to give random women sex toys


Dear Chris,

I recently turned 18, and am interested in buying some pornography DVDs. However, I know very little about the genre. Which porn movies are your favorite? I am interested in both hard- and soft-core movies.


Peter Sotos

Soft-Core you can easily watch from Cinemax or HBO; for the Hard-Core, I recommend anything with one man/one woman videos; you can view the variety of DVDs on for your choosing. Be aware of the "Free Gift(s)" they send you with a purchase of $17 or more; they may send you items such as dildos and beads; if you receive such items suitable for women, I would leave the items UNOPENED and offer them to your consenting adult women friends, or any women they may know.

High-functioning babble


Hello there Chris

I have noticed that you claim to be a high-functioning autistic male. What exactly does "high-functioning autistic" mean? You say it a lot but never really give a clear definition. I could look it up on Wikipedia but I would rather go right to the source which would be you. People on Wikipedia tend to vandalize articles with misinformation.

So yeah, please elaborate on that. I'm rather confused.

Have a nice day.

-John Matrix

Well, thank you kindly for asking for my input on the subject. Versus Low-Functioning individuals who generally are likely mentally retarded to a point where all they can say are moans and groans, have Limited physical motion (such as keeping their arms and hands in Praying Mantis position and resists reaching out, or keeping their mouths wide open very often), may be confined in wheelchairs, crutches or such, or may possibly be deformed physically. High-Functioning individuals, such as myself, have better mental capabilities and functions, have better physical motion, and likely are more similar to functioning normal people. --ChrisChanSonichu 01:50, 30 December 2009 (CET)

It's a trap, again!

From: "Bailey Jay" <>

Hey Chris!! Thank you for your reply! And thank you for calling me cute :3 you're a pretty handsome guy yourself, but you know that already ;)

I think my biggest problem with boys is that like you I am also e-famous, and people are afraid to approach me because they are intimidated by that!
I have been online modelling for a while now, and so I think boys get nervous around me... lol :(

Do you have that problem too? Do you think that girls don't approach you because they are intimidated by how famous you are?

Anyways, if you're interested, here are some of my pics ;)

They range from cute...

to downright NAUGHTY :D

hope you enjoy!!



The pics (contains nudity)
OH MY GOD!!! UGH!!! ARE YOU REALLY A HERMAPHRODITE?! I'm sorry, but that naughty picture just really shocked me and made me want to throw up. *deep breath* You do have a pretty face, but what happened just now is just like the movie, "The Crying Game", or the Thanksgiving episode of "The Cleveland Show".

Chris disapproves of c-sections for some reason


Dear Chris--

Hello and good day! My name is Diana and I've read Sonichu over the past year and can honestly say it's the best comic I've EVER read. My husband and I read it together every night (Thank you SO much for your daily pages! The suspense kills me!) To be honest, your comic pages of Rosechu and Sonichu..."together" gave my husband and I "inspiration" for our own "together time"

Anyway, after two years of marriage my husband and I have finally conceived our first child and I'd like to thank you for your comic pages, I can't help but feel you helped this to come about. I'm due in March and I'll be finding out the gender of the baby soon.

Now to my questions. My husband and I are not close with our respectful families and I have no one to ask about bringing up a child, my friends don't have children yet. So I value your opinions on the following, to supplement my research:

1. Should I "spoil" my child? Is there anything wrong with getting them the things they want? It's not easy being a kid...

2. What should I feed my child? My husband and I run our own business, so we aren't home often. I'll require a baby sitter, so I don't want them burning up the kitchen

3. How much television should I allow my child to watch?

4. My husband and I don't make much money, we can barely support ourselves, so how can I save money on things the baby needs?

And well...this doesn't pertain to the baby's upbringing but...

5. Can I still have sex while I'm pregnant? What are possible consequences if I do?

6. Should I get a c-section or have a natural birth?

7. Should I breastfeed?

Any further input you can offer would be much appreciated. Thank you for your hardwork on the comic pages, keep on zappin' !

Love, Diana

1) It's okay to treat the child, but do not do it too much; spoiling the child will likely lower the chance of the child learning the valuable lesson of self-reliance and independence. 2) Bottles of Milk are best for a while up till a certain age (look it up on the internet or your local library). 3) 1 or 2 hours a day, and turn on the Closed Captions for helping the child learn to read faster. 4) LESS SPENDING and IMPULSE SHOPPING/BUYING; also hire an accountant to help you there. 5) I think it's okay, but google the topic to learn for sure. 6) NATURAL! 7) It is an option; you can look up the benefits and possible risks online too.

Chris on the nature of sin

From: Team CWCket <>

Hey Chris, it's the girls from Team CWCket again! Sorry about the new e-mail - it turns out that football hooligans from over here in the UK hacked and sabotaged most of the mailboxes. If you tried to send us anything, you should use the new address.

Bit of a serious note this one - we were watching your video about Jack and Clyde after practice today, and you mentioned having a gal-pal who is a lesbian. As you can imagine, on an all-girl sports team sometimes there's... tensions and issues surrounding that particular subject, so I was wondering whether you had any insight you could offer us about it.

- How did you find out your friend was gay?
- How did you react?
- You seem very accepting of her lifestyle, and it sounds like you're more comfortable around her than you would be around male homosexuals. Why is that?
- Do you think women should avoid lesbians in the same way you tend to keep a distance from male homosexuals, or should they get to know each other?
- Are lesbians morally "better" than male homos? I know you are much more angry about the sort of acts male homosexuals perform.

Sorry that this one was a bit heavy, but it's caused a bit of debate on the team, so I thought I'd bring it to your attention.

Keep a happy thought!

All your gal-pals on Team CWCket.

1) She told me herself. 2) I was surprised, but I accepted it soon after. 3) I was always less comfortable with men; one of my character flaws you may say. But regardless, I still detest homosexual men, yet I do not discriminate against them as individual people. 4) As long as the woman KNOWS fully that she is Straight and will remain that way, it is okay to be friends with lesbians; do not go beyond just friends. 5) Morally, yes.

Balding issues

From: Mark Green <>

I'm in my twenties and have started going bald. I noticed you are balding too, and much more rapidly than I am. Do you have any advice on what I should do? I know a lot of guys, when they start losing their hair, shave it all off, but you've embraced your thining hairline. How did you do that? How did you come to accept your hair loss and the shame attached to it? I'll appreciate any help you can offer me as a man who is also suffering through baldness.

I generally do not think about balding issues; as long as I still have mine, it is good. Yet when it goes, and if I do go bald, I will deal with that when I cross that bridge.

In which Chris tells us how many hours he plays with toys a day

From: Doug Bunny <>

How often do you play with toys (how many hours, per day, would you say you spend, on average, playing with toys)?

I don't know, about 2 or 3, I Estimate.

Chris on mindless materialism


What do you want for your 28th birthday? Do you know if your friends are planning to do anything special for you?

I do not know yet of what I want to do, and I will learn of any plans when they come up.

Magi-Chan is gay


Hey CWC!

Thanks for answering my previous questions, but i have some more.

1) Why is it Magi-Chan and Blake didn't attend Dating Education?

2) If all of the Sonichus and Rosechus had a huge fight, who would win?

Please reply soon! Sarah Lutt

1) Blake is in his relationship with Bubbles; he did not need to take the class. Magi-Chan keeps to himself mostly; he did not see fit to take the class. 2) I am not sure.

Rejected Mailbag

Chris's disgusting home


How can your kitchen be so filthy? I wouldn't eat anything that comes out of it, and you should be ashamed to put it up on the internet.

Straight guys don't drink their own semen

From: Seth Sethson <>

Chris, only one of the images in New York was photoshopped. There were like five total. Do the math.

New York still knows that you drink your own semen, and thus they all think that you're gay.

Also, there was an image of your mother put up. How's she reacting?

I am Straight, regardless of how much the Trolls may try to defile and slander my image.
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For Truth and Honesty, see the archived CWCipedia page on Mailbag 25