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Mailbag 54

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Mailbag 54 was uploaded by the CWCipedia's sysop on 2 February 2010. Due to the closure of the CWCipedia from 8-14 February, the response to these emails was delayed even more than usual.

Chris managed to actually respond to every letter. Many of his answers were short and trite, but they did manage to address the content of each letter in some way.

Answered

Weights and measurements

From: John Doe <tehsoothsayer@gmail.com>

Howdy Chris,

I just wanted to say thank you. A few months ago I weighed 220 pounds, and then I heard that you weighed a lot less than me. Knowing how fat you look, I realized that I must look even fatter if you weighed less than me, so I started eating healthier and exercising. I'm now down twenty pounds and feeling great, but looking back at pictures of my old self, you still look fatter than I did. I'm not sure I believe that you weigh "a lot less" than 220 pounds, and the only way I can think of for you to prove it is to make a video of you standing on a scale (no cheating!). I'm sure with your monthly tugboat you'll be able to pick up a five dollar scale at Wal-Mart. If you don't do this then I will consider you a liar and throw all of my support behind Alec and Asperchu.

Thanks bro, John

Very well, I will do that.

Then why the fuck did you give him a form response?

From: David Wright <applsus@gmail.com>

You made a promise to help Mike Jackson with his son. You broke that promise, and now he is dead. Killed by his own hand. Do you not understand? It was YOUR advice that corrupted his son. YOU brought about the circumstances that led to him running away. Through YOUR carelessness, callousness and ineptitude, that family has been destroyed forever.

Do you care? Are you even sorry?

I do care, and I am very sorry.

The continuing adventures of Creepichu & Kimmi

Gal Pals Forever!
From: Rosie W <doktorschnitzelv2@googlemail.com>

Hi.

Creepella, did you mean Creepichu? If so then I'm very flattered that you'd consider her :3 I've been reading Sonichu for a long time now and it would be such an honour! Creepichu would be a great adition to show that you are accepting of people with severe mental disorders and criminals who have reformed and turned to the good side :) to show that even if you've done something as henious as eating baby Sonees alive, perhaps even putting them in blenders first and drinking them as a kind of power shake, you can find happiness once you amend your mistakes.

However I feel quite shocked by your views on her gal-pal Kimmi the Love Doll. I am not a troll, I just think Kimmi could be an interesting adition and I put a lot of thought into her story too as a matter of fact. She's Asian, so that's a little more diversity for CWCville and she's got a tragic past. Kimmi's been born into the sex trade industry and has spent her life being passed around many men and used for pleasure, none of which love her. None of them even use her correct name. Kimmi is just used and she's not even allowed to wear clothes to keep some dignity. She's lonely too, and has finally made an attempt to escape her harsh existance [sic] of being repeatedly violated every day in order to have a fresh start and fulfil her dreams of opening up her own Sushi restaurant. Sadly though the police of CWCville didn't believe her story and thought she was insane (well she was blowing down the street naked) and put her in the Prickley Wickley asylum. Creepichu upon realising that plastic does not taste so good as hedgehog flesh has taken poor Kimmi in as a good gal-pal and they work together.

Seeing as you put your dog in CWCville, and Meg Griffen made an appearance, also that your comic does include sexual content...that you would perhaps see Kimmi the Love Doll as a rather amusing and fun adition. I find it a little sad that she's being so unsupported :(

Please do reply, I attatched another picture for you too. Again, I have no working camera or a scanner so digitally drawing them is the best I can do.

Love from London! xxxxxx [1]

"Eating Sonees Alive"? What the F*** is wrong with you?! I am not that kind of mentally disturbed person, and I would NEVER condone such a heinous deed.

What is an screencap

From: Kali Smith <kali.kitsune@hotmail.com>

It's obvious that you've igrnor my previous email regarding Simonchu...

Prove that you're the honest man you claim to be an screencap the data information on your first upload of Simonlia IF you want to prove to your fans that you're telling the truth.

All though you're probably avoiding this because you can't prove that you made her before Simonchu.


Your Drifting Fan, Kali Smith

What is "An Screencap"?

Masquerade

From: blockkick78@aol.com

Hi! You might not remember me, but I was the one who asked you about what you dressed up as for Halloween when you were a kid (back in Mailbag 33). You said you'd get back to me and, well, it's been a month and I've heard nothing, so I figured I'd ask again: what did you used to dress up as for Halloween as a kid (provide years as well)? Also, did you have a favorite costume and, if so, what was it and why was it your favorite? I'd also appreciate any pictures of you in Halloween comics that you might have.

Oh, please forgive me for the delay; I misread that question the first time. I can not recollect years, but as a child, I did dress up as Sonic the Hedgehog, a Jack-O-Lantern, and even Beetlejuice. I do not have pictures of me in those costumes at the moment.

In which Chris never misses an opportunity to tell that he does chores

From: breakvistula@selfaware.com

Why is there no Rosechu page on the CWCipedia? In fact, why have you been so lazy when it comes to updating the CWCipedia and adding pages for your characters? You don't even update daily any more. It's so lame.

Rosechu has her own bio page now, so feel free to read it. And I am making updates as often as possible. I have to work around the house some days of the week; very hard.

Appreciate it!

From: odnar@luukku.com

Dear Christian,

I have a couple of questions:

1) When will you be switching to widescreen for your videos? Now that Youtube supports it, it would be nicer if your videos didn't have that black bar.

2) Do you consider your childhood sheltered?

3) Have you considered to use more professional tools in drawing your comics? I think ruler and computer coloring would do wonders.

Sincerely, True fan, Odnar

1) While I'd like to go Widescreen, I am afraid I have no idea how to reformat any videos to be Widescreen, nor do I have currently any means of recording in Widescreen. 2) I do not consider my childhood sheltered; I have been outside of my house Numerously throughout my lifetime. 3) Classic Hand-Drawing/Coloring is more direct than going through a non-writing stylus and a tablet. Appreciate The Hand-Drawing/Coloring.

Because putting something in the public water supply makes it "optional"

From: Robert Neville <theassburgers@hotmail.co.uk>

Hey Chris, I was trying to think of the best argument to present to you when it comes to your blatant homophobia. You obviously hate homosexuals and have even literally wished death upon them quite recently, expressing your desire to have them killed in an explosion.

So here's what I managed to think of.

You say you hate the gay lifestyle and that you think they engage in unnatural acts when making love to one another. You say you hope that one day a vaccine could be discovered in order to 'cure' homosexuality.

Well you know what, Chris?

I hate autistic people. I'm tired of them forcing their lifestyle down my throat. I hate the way they bumble around awkwardly in public and I despise the way they talk, with the constant stuttering and the long pauses in between words. I can't stand how their brains can't function properly and I loathe the way that they always blame everything on their special little condition. WHY would anybody CHOOSE to be a RETARD?! I HOPE THEY DIE.

See what I'm doing here Chris?

Firstly, I have respectfully withdrawn that statement about the gays in the army, and I have a more positive opinion on them. As for the vaccine, it should be optional; for those gays who are not comfortable with their own lifestyle and want to be straight. Otherwise, they can live as they please. And for your comment, while I see the point you are making there, I do not care much for that. I Rarely Stutter, the pauses come up ONLY Sometimes when I've lost my train of thought, and my brain does function properly and sound. You, sir, are obviously intollerant of the mentally handicapped.

The statement about gays in the army could still be read in Mailbag 49.

Expect more Animu content to be ripped off

From: Aina Andrew <aina.andrew@gmail.com>

To Christian W. Chandler,

Have you watched any anime (Japanese cartoons) in the past year?

If so, which anime series did you watch? What did you think about the story? What did you think about the animation quality? Who is your favourite character in the series, and why is he/she your favourite character?

/ Aina Andrew

I have watched the first season of "Gunslinger Girl" and "Shuffle". I liked the blonde teenage girl, because she is like a role model for the others in her group. And I liked Sia, because she is a feisty woman with a cute charm that is her own. The animation quality in both animes are very good.

Oedipus complex

From: griffin lord <griffchimp@yahoo.com>

I have to say I'm VERY disappointed in you, Chris.

Just today, my 6 year old nephew, Jonny, was staying at my house since his parents were at a wedding, so I let him use my computer so he could access the CWCipedia to read your Sonichu comics, which he's a very big fan of (or WAS a fan of, as you'll read later). However, just as the front page loaded, he saw a disgusting image on the top of the main page of you fingering someone who I assume to be your mother. Needless to say, he was severely mentally scarred by this and wouldn't stop crying after he saw it. Then when his parents came to pick him up, he told them everything about what he saw on that site, and now his parents are angry at me on the grounds that I intentionally exposed him to pornography. They're even considering taking legal action against me for endangerment of a minor!

How could you, Chris? Jonny used to look up to you and Sonichu as idols, but thanks to your perverted sense of humor, not only will he never read a Sonichu comic again, but he'll need mental counseling as well (VERY expensive mental counseling might I add) just to get that atrocious picture out of his head. And aside from that, I could be facing arrest as well for something I didn't do!

All this because you couldn't resist allowing that offensive picture to be posted. Grow up and get a life!

Yours truly,

Griffin

I did not draw that image; that was originally drawn by Mao, Alec, Evan or Sean on the Asperpedia who beforehand had bought the adspace wrongfully, and they did that in attempt to turn my fans against me. Feel Free to e-mail ALL your complaints personally to Mao and his crew at [mao@hsienko.com].

In which Chris defends his use of English by citing a made-up word.

From: Robert Neville <theassburgers@hotmail.co.uk>

I read that a key attribute of an autistic is that they tend to restrict themselves to repetitive day-to-day behaviour. I also read that this can even take the form of repetitive speech patterns. Though I wasn't able to obtain any information about my following theory, I've observed something about yourself.

I believe autism can affect a person's typing, as well as their speech patterns. My theory here is displayed by your repetitive usage of short phrases, which you commonly treat as though they are a proper noun or proper adjective.

'Harshest Criticisms', 'Worst Cut of Cow Meat' and 'Twisted Truths' are just several examples of your extensive collection of these phrases.

Why do you use them so much? Do you have a limited vocabulary due to your autism? Why do you always capitalise the first letter of each word in these phrases? You don't need to. 'Harshest Criticisms' is also grammatically incorrect, as is 'Twisted Truths'.

Maybe it would help your aspirations of entering the comic book business if you took a literary class or two? If you plan on writing Sonichu yourself forever then you must possess good literary skills.

I used those terms ONLY when I felt appropriate to emphasize my point I was trying to make. I do not have a limited vocabulary; I have learned a LOT of words in my lifetime, most good words of which throughout my School Education Life, such as the word, "Fickle", "Omnipotent", "Antidisestablishmentarenisim", and "Supercalifragilisticespialadocious".

It's also worth noting that "fickle" is another word Chris uses a lot and that "antidisestablishmentarianism" (which Chris misspells) is basically a joke word at this point and it's extremely doubtful that Chris knows its actual meaning: being in favor of keeping the Anglican Church as the state religion of the United Kingdom.

Sloth and lack of experience

From: rationalape@yahoo.com

How can you call yourself caring individual and not care about your non-existent fans? You won't even answer their messages, let alone mine. You're just as LAZY as you are NAIVE.

I am answering the messages right now. And I am not lazy or naive.

Moon pals is fucking awesome

From: Sean Watley <seanawatley@gmail.com>

Chris,

In an upcoming Moon-Pals, the severed head of Crystal Weston Chandler will become possessed by a Kandarian demon (as per the movie Evil Dead), come to Earth in search of human souls to devour, and start a sexual relationship with your dog, Patti-chan. Please reflect these changes in the next Sonichu so as not to confuse anyone.

Thanks bruh.

Sean Watley

NO. Your "Strips" are Parodic and NOT cannon whatsoever to my, and The Original, Sonichu Pages. So you can go do your own drugs and burn your own strips to smoke with, you DOPE.

Whores VS the simple life

From: Michael Steele <hip.hoprevolution@hotmail.com>

Hello Chris. My name is Michael Steele, Chairman and Leader of the Republican Party. I've been following your career as a professional Comic-book artist and Rolemodel for some years now, and am convinced that a young individual of your outstanding talent, charisma and moral fibre are just what this country needs to lead her people as we forge a new path forward in the 21st century. Our party respects a man who's not afraid to speak out against the depravity in society presented by the homosexual menace, the horrors of smoking and drug abuse, and the devastation wrecked across the nation by the terror of internet trolling. We were particularly impressed by your obvious expertise in anti-homosexual policy debate. Before you, we thought we could only ask the homos not to get married. Never before did we even suspect that we could solve the entire problem by strapping them to chairs and forcing female prostitutes on them!

The way I see it, I don't see how you could lose. You are a sensation amongst the youth demographic; your ingenious Sonichu comics have inspired a generation of young people to drop their cynical aspirations and instead do their duty for America and write comic books for Uncle Sam. Your mayoral career of Cwcville, portrayed in your Sonichu comics, shows what a wise and courageous leader you can be. You never lost a SINGLE election there! Even your rotund figure belies a man that's dressed for success; one who's not afraid to eat substantially to display his success in life. Plus, with the recent electoral success of Sarah Palin (famous for her straight talkin, common sense folkyism and Downs Syndrome son), we feel there is a strong sympathy vote for retards such as yourself who has suffered the tortures of life with Autism and succeeded due to his own genius and determination, never taking the easy way out of life.

I know you are a fan of Barack Obama, but we feel you'll be more at home in our party, the "Moral Majority", who are willing to step out from the crowd who would demean and slander us just for our bigotry.

We can start small perhaps; you could run for councilman at Ruckersville, or mayor, but who knows what might happen in the future? Governor? Congressman? Senator? President? I don't see why you can't be each of those things and more. With your legions of followers in your loyal fanbase, there's some rich campaign funds to draw on, and a big cheer squad!

So at long last Chris, I want to offer you a political career in the Republican party. Please let me know if you're interested on the cwcipedia. I will contact you again to work out the details.

Yours sincerely, Michael Steele Chairman of the Republican Party.

I prefer the simple life at the moment.

Fatty

From: lalanne@food4u.com

Why did you lie about losing weight? I watched you last few videos, and you look fatter than ever.

The camera tends to add weight; I am about 200 lbs; a lot less then the past 220+ lbs.

In which some asshole tries to get Chris's social security number

From: It's Gendo <shinji.you.suck@gmail.com>

Remember those nine numbers, Chris?

"I will take that under great consideration."

I have given you ample time to consider this.

These are very important numbers, Chris. Have you ever considered that your dream of a twin sister has a basis in reality? Your parents didn't want you to know. They were afraid of what would happen. They wanted control over you, but they no longer have control. Consider this: My organization has the technology to be able to find your sister, wherever she is. We can make her the perfect being; somebody who will sympathize with your ordeals and torturous pain, somebody who will complement your ego -- your soul. We just need those nine numbers. I expect a reply soon. Do not disappoint me.

Gendo

Dude, Crystal is my Comic-Self's Sister; she does not exist in real life.


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For Truth and Honesty, see the archived CWCipedia page on Mailbag 54