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Mailbag 32

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Mailbag 32 was uploaded to the CWCipedia on 4 January 2010. Chris began answering it in the very late hours of the 5th.

Highlights included Chris freaking out at someone pointing out that stealing jokes wholesale is kinda lame, freaking out at Alec Benson Leary, freaking out about cousins marrying, and freaking out in general. It had been awhile since he'd gotten this excited over a mailbag; probably all the stress of eliminating his enemies in fiction was finally getting to him. He also exaggerated the sexual and violent content in things intended for children, and stated that he thought Romeo and Juliet started its existence as a book and a movie.

Answered

Chris to everybody who knows anything about him: F*** you

From: Jack Winne <J.Winne@gmail.com>

I noticed you've replied to a lot of emails referencing the Bear that wasn't. However the bear in the end chose for itself and acted like a bear despite everyone else labelling him, in the end they still all thought he was a man in a fur coat who needed a shave.

You'd have to accept that many people see you as a homosexual if you're taking the moral of the story. But in your case that's bad since women would also see you as such. The bear didn't need anything from the people labelling him but you probably aren't happy with women in particular labelling you as homosexual.

ONLY a couple of emails. After some thought after reading your message, my response to ALL THOSE INDIVIDUALS, male and female, who dare to continue to mislabel me as such is "F*** YOU." --ChrisChanSonichu 05:57, 6 January 2010 (CET)

Chris is no stranger to stupid name changes

From: Jack Mustakrakish <awakenawaken@aol.com>

I came across an article in the Richmond Times-Dispatch about your name change, and it mentioned that your parents were living separately from each other at the time. Are you aware of why they chose to live this way? My parents never lived apart for any length of time.

They lived separately for two reasons; one was to KEEP and maintain the Ruckersville house and the pets there, and because my mother had not yet retired from working at Virginia Power (which STUPIDLY changed their name to Dominion Power). After she had retired while I was in 8th Grade, SHE moved to the Richmond Home and brought all the pets, including Patti, with her; I helped. Then we moved back completely after my Graduation from Manchester High in 2000. They were still happily married, and before retirement from V.P., she came over for visits on the Weekends every Weekend.

You fail genetics forever

From: Reggie Morris <stiffness@corpse.com>

In Mailbag 27, you said this: "I believe a vaccine is most capable to change their mental status; my prescription has Definitely lowered my stress levels. I should know, I recently went ONE MONTH without it, and the stress LITERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME; it HURT WORSE in comparison to being on it; I went back on it, and I still take it with appreciation for it's good work on keeping me more capable on emotionally coping with stress. "

This is very interesting. Please elaborate.

You also said in the same mailbag: "You Are Seriously Mistaken, and Your Theory IS PROVEN FALSE. To truly KILL the Gay Gene, the weakened Gene had to be made, but THEN the gene would need to be Replaced; otherwise, the injected person would become Asexual. The Straight Gene is put in the Vaccine to Replace the Gay Gene AFTER elimination to PREVENT Asexuality."

Please explain how this was proven to be, the procedures taken, and how genetics work. This is certainly unlike anything I've ever heard. It may even change biology as we know it.

Firstly, I would point out looking up "Paxil" or "Paroxitine" on the Wikipedia and reading the scientific details on how it has proven to Successfully Reduce Levels of Stress.

I admit that I am NOT an expert in genetics, but THINK ABOUT IT, if you imagine a DNA Strand, you Remove the ONE GENE that sets the orientation, it leaves the individual without appropriate guidance and attraction towards their opposite gender. So, the Absent Gene has to be replaced with its opposite; the SWITCH from the Gay Gene with the Straight Gene.

Note: Paroxetine (Paxil) is not used to reduce stress, because stress is generally treated by lifestyle changes. Paxil is an antidepressant.

Chris knows what's best for your kids

From: George Pliskin <georgepliskin8@gmail.com>

Stop responding to some of the questions with "I'll deal with that when I cross that bridge". That just shows that you are not prepared for anything, please give a real answer it shows your fans respect. Don't just take it into consideration, actually do it.

Here's my question, why do you put sex in your comics that just seems pointless and immature, I thought this was a children's book with fantasy battles. What I've seen are disturbing things that children shouldn't learn until they are at least 15 years old. So could you please clean up the content of your series.

P.S. Quit avoiding questions with your "cross the bridge" phrase.

Well, this is one question that does not appropriately deserve that response. To answer it, EVEN IN FAIRY TALES, there ARE depictions of love and romance to full detail, even violence sometimes. Like, Romeo and Juilet; THE ORIGINAL BOOK and MOVIE depicts SEX between the couple. And what happens to the Queen in Snow White was not exactly pleasant either. And Little Red Riding Hood and Grandma GET EATEN by the WOLF, and the wolf GETS DISSECTED by the Lumberjack. Oh, Yeah, GUTS! Now THAT IS TV-Y Acceptable now isn't it? GET OVER YOURSELF. THE CHILDREN WILL BE SEEING SEX AT SOME POINT IN THEIR LIVES ANYWAY, YOU CAN NOT STOP IT. --ChrisChanSonichu 05:57, 6 January 2010 (CET)

Note that Romeo and Juliet originated as a poem and then a play, neither of which described or depicted sex.

Quit swearing so goddamn much

From: <scarfermezzo@gmail.com>

Dear Chris,

Why do you say "god damn" and other variations of the phrase? Do you understand that this is putting the Lord's name in vain. As a Christian, it'd be wise to try to avoid saying His name in vain (including things like "Oh My God", "I Swear to God", etc.). I know we aren't all perfect and sinless but it's not like you even try to stop or even repent. When reading through your Twitter and mailbags, I see you taking his name in vain. Again, and again. It's not too hard to do, so if you want to stop adding sins on top of your pile, this is one step to improvement.

From,

Scarf!

I will take that under consideration, and I do say my prayers and admit my sins and mistakes and get forgiven daily.

For more information, see Lovely Weather

From: Jessica Lawler <jessica.marie.lawler@gmail.com>

Dear Christian,

I recently watched a BBC documentary entitled "Guys and Dolls". It explores the relationship that some men have with Real Dolls. The men in the documentary are around your age and have trouble finding a Sweetheart. These men have decided that they will never find a companion and have settled for a life with Real Dolls. I saw a lot of behaviors in this video that reminded me of you and I would like your input. Would you ever consider a relationship with a Real Doll? I don't mean Kimmi either -- Real Dolls are more durable and less prone to Internal Damages.

You don't need to view the documentary to answer my question. I'd really just like to know what you think of Real Dolls and if you would consider them as a lifelong companion. However here is the link in case you are curious. [1]

Thanks in advance!

Jessica <3

NO. I will NEVER EVER SETTLE for such a PRETEND RELATIONSHIP.

In which Chris fails to notice that this guy just called him a retard

From: Steve Johnson <amazingaspie@gmail.com>

Hey Chris, I just wanted to say I can't believe so many people don't listen to you when you say Autism and Asperger's are completely different! As someone diagnosed with Asperger's, I agree with you 100%. Honestly, it offends me to be constantly compared to retards.

Anyway, I love your comics. They remind me of these comics my 5-year old nephew drew me, although his had better artwork.

Thank you for agreeing with me on my point of view.

Lovecraft's got nothing on Chris

From: criticalmass82@aol.com

Hello Christian!

I hope you are well. Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Howard Phillips Lovecraft, but my friends call me H.P. If you wish you may also call me H.P.

I have been a fan of yours for quite some time and it is evident that we share many similar interests and are roughly the same age so grew up with the same shows and toys.

As a fan I had a few questions for you, Christian Weston Chandler. Most of these will be simple YES or NO questions.

1.Have you ever considered going back to school to further your skills as an artist for the comic and to give you more chances at social interaction thus giving you a better chance of finding a girlfriend?

2. Do you believe a straight male may find sexual pleasure through anal stimulation, through use of fingers ot sex toys while masturbating or having sex, and still be 100% straight?

3. As a Christian, what do you think is the most terrible sin besides murder?

4. What do you believe is the most important thing about a man that attracts women to him?

5. Do you think looks matter in a relationship?

6. What is the first thing you notice about a girl? Be honest please.

7. Do you believe in ghosts or other supernatural beings, besides God and the Lord Jesus Christ that is?

8. What is your favorite car or truck?

9. If you ever got a tattoo what would it be and where?

10. Would you ever date a girl with tattoos?

11. If you had to live somewhere besides Virginia, where would you live?

12. If a gay man were to ever flirt with you, what would you do?

13. Do you like fudge?

14. Do you ever have nightmares? If so, what are they about?

I think that is enough for now. Thanks for taking the time to answer our emails.

H.P.

1) For Social Interaction, it is a good idea, but I wouldn't want to just take a class that I would just throw all teachings of out of my head after passing it just for some Social Life. 2) AS LONG AS they have WOMEN in Mind and Heart when performing such stimuations, then yes they are still straight. 3) Deception. 4) Good Looks, I expect. 5) On a minor percentage of the relationship, yes. 6) Her Face. 7) Yes, but I am not frightened of them. Although I may be surprised or shocked appropriately. 8) Chevy Camaro. 9) I would never get a tattoo. But if I were to, I think I would get it on my upper back. 10) ONLY if she had one or two; NO MORE. 11) I am uncertain. 12) Inform that I am Straight, and if he continues, I would PUNCH HIS LIGHTS OUTS! 13) ONLY the regular chocolate fudge. 14) Yes I sometimes have nightmares. I have had some where I have SEEN the FLASH OF DEATH from an appropriate cause, including drowning. --ChrisChanSonichu 05:57, 6 January 2010 (CET)

Rejected Mailbag

Yeah, she was

From: Jane Austen <littlemissausten@yahoo.com>

Chris,

I'm a long-time fan of the comic and find you a great role model for a writer dealing with adversity, being one myself, but one thing does concern me. In your recent FAQ section, you mention how it is common practice to use ideas from other media when otherwise out of ideas. You then cite the South Park episode "Simpsons Did It" as a reference. That South Park episode featured unintentional copying of ideas by Butters and could serve as a commentary to how difficult it is to come up with original ideas. However, you intentionally copy ideas from other shows. In fact, you go so far as to rip characters, plots, and characters wholesale from other works. This is at best lazy writing and at worst copyright infringement.. Just because you can get away with this practice does not make it ethical or encouraged. I find this very disappointing from an otherwise accomplished writer such as yourself. So, are you lazy, uncreative, a plagiarist, or some combination of all three? I'd appreciate more originality from you in the future, especially if you hope to be a role model for other young writers such as myself. Thank You, Jane

ARE YOU SO ORIGINAL, YOURSELF?

Trolls are not known for giving a damn

From: Bob Bobson <totallyfine1@gmail.com>

"I have told those trolls that they are the scum of the earth,"

Newsflash: Trolls don't care about being insulted. Attempting to insult one is like trying to douse a wildfire with oil--it only makes them stronger.

"and that they give their kind of people,"

Trolls have always had a bad name and they enjoy having one, so again they don't care.

"specifically Clyde and Jack giving their Homosexual Male kind a worse name, in videos on YouTube and such."

Is this like the supposed "blackmail" you attempted when you grabbed a random gay sex image off of google images and claimed that it was Clyde? Because, I'm pretty sure he's heterosexual, what with raping Panda and all. Jack I don't know about.

Or did Clyde just say that he supports gay rights and you jumped to conclusions and decided that he must be gay? Because, y'know, it's possible to be straight and still support gay rights. Just like how it's possible to like both Pokemon and Harry Potter, but you failed to understand even that.

Really Chris, I'm starting to think that the trolls are right about your lack of intelligence. I should let you know that I'm a very well respected fan and if I leave, I'll take a sizable chunk of the fanbase with me. Fans are money, and you'd better show your report cards and prove me wrong or else you'll lose out.

Just kill Simonla already dammit

From: Evang7 <evang7@gmail.com>

To Christopher Christian Ricardo Weston Chandler,

Thank you for finally getting back to me and giving me a GOOD reason for why you won't remove Simonla. I understand why you have been so reluctant to do this now!

However, the reason I trust you do kill her in the story is because you can write from your experiences. You have had many Sweethearts who have Tragically Died; you know the Pain and Heartbreak Wild would suffer if something happened to Simonla. It is a Tragic, Real Life Experience that happens to people Every Day. I think adding this to your story would be an Interesting Twist should you spend an entire chapter dedicated to Wild losing his Heartsweet and recovering with the help of Sonichu and the Gang, and maybe finding new love?

However, if you can think of a GOOD, PERMANENT way to remove Simonla without causing the Heart Break, PLEASE do it and PLEASE show it actually happening in the comics; Usually when people die in Sonichu or Leave Forever it happens Off-Screen; my lawyers want to SEE Simonla leaving the story before they can Legally Accept it.

-Evan

Parodies

Asperchu can't be a parody of Chris, because Asperchu's not a total dick fucking asshole

From: Alec-chan Asperchu <albasperchu@live.com>

Christian,

Thank you again for clearing up your words that I was wondering about! However, I am afraid that you Have indeed given me a blessing for the cartoon show, if with your actions but not only your words. You See, although it is clear you do not care for some of the lesser quibling aspects of ASPERCHU, you do recognize it as a fiery, flaming inspiration of Exquisite Art, which is the words what Mr. Tartica, an Executive Officer over at the Cartoon Network said - not my own words, but rather His. I do not mean to Anger you with this statement, but I felt you should see his words for Yourself, because it is important you know just How Much of a Great Weight you have given to my efforts to establish myself as an Up and Coming Artisan.

Now, with that out of the way, I have something of a Bone to pick with you, I must confess. In fact, I would go so far as to say that there are several levels to my concern, each of which deserves Coverage. FIRST: You say that ASPERCHU is a "Look-Alike Sonichu Character with a Look-Alike Sonichu Medallion". Now, I am JUST PLAINED OFFENDED at YOUR offense, Mr. Christian Weston Chandler! that you would call ASPERCHU a "look-alike" is appalling: FIRST of all, ASPERCHU has glasses, while SONICHU most certainly does NOT; it is a little-known fact that ASPERCHU has the astigmatism. SECONDLY, ASPERCHU, as you pointed out, wears clothes! First you say ASPERCHU is a parody of Sonichu, next you say he is a parody of you yourself with the shirt. Which is it, Mr. Chandler? ASPERCHU cannot parody both of you completely different beings and still be a parody. SECONDLY, you say that the previous letter, the picture contained within you submit here as evidence of your claim, was placed in your parody page. But it is YOU YOURSELF who put that ASPERCHU image into your parody mailbag, not I. If it were up to me, you would have placed it into your ORIGINAL mailbag, as that is what it is (I do not even see that you even HAVE an original mailbag yet, what is up with that?). THIRDLY, you say that that image is full of the suggestions of homogayrotica. That is just plain and duly absurd! In that image, ASPERCHU and his joy-boy Sonichu are enjoying the Comfort and Camaraderie that comes when two Adult, Confident, STRAIGHT male friends are able to share their PLATONIC friendship with each other in a PLATONIC hug. NOTHING MORE. There is absolutely NOTHING of the homogay in that image. But just to prove ONCE AND FOR ALL that ASPERCHU is NOT the homogay, I have crafted and submitted a New image to depict to you: Tell me, if ASPERCHU were not STRAIGHT, would he be using AXE SHOWER GEL? No, I do not think he would.

I do thank you for clarifying what you mean concerning your opinions on the Aspergers and the Autism. I must say however, that as one afflicted with the Aspergers, it is my opinion that I do not have the qualification to make a determination personally. Because of this, I cannot say that you are not right or wrong that Aspergers and Autism are not linked. However, I must ask you this question: If it is in fact a True Fact that the Aspergers is not linked to the Autism, then how exactly is ASPERCHU a parody of Sonichu? Because apart from his major differences - the glasses, the clothes, the goatee, the stories, and Such - ASPERCHU has the ASPERGERS! He is even a part Aspergers-type pokemon (he is electric-type and Aspergers-type). He must therefore NOT be a parody of Sonichu, as I have been saying for the while. So please retract your statement that ASPERCHU is a parody of Sonichu, as the completely DIFFERENT mental conditionings PROVE that I came up with ASPERCHU all on my own.

Sincerely,

Alec Benson Leary

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Boy, ARE YOU Self-Gloated, Self-Boasting and Self-Egotistical. Yep, you are indeed a literal classic by-the-book case BASTARD.
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For Truth and Honesty, see the archived CWCipedia page on Mailbag 32