Mumble 5

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Mumble 5 is the fifth of the Mumble chats involving Chris, held in February 2009.

Length: 26:09


  • Clyde confronts Chris as he prepares to chat with Julie.
  • Clyde asks him about whether he can truly support a family.
  • Chris believes he can support a family by "tucking away a hundred dollars every month."
  • Chris will get a job if he needs to, but lies about trying to find one using his CADD degree.
  • CADD Chef among others is a villain because they made him feel inferior in real life.


Mumble 5
Stardate February 2009
Featuring Chris, Julie, Clyde,


Julie: Hello.
Chris: Hey, Julie.
Julie: I'll be right back, I have to turn the television down.
Chris: OK.
[extremely long pause]
Julie: I'm back. Hello, Chris.
Julie: Chris, are you there? Hello?
Clyde Cash: You got my email, right? You got it, right?
Chris: Clyde, what are you doing here?
Clyde Cash: Did you get the email?
Chris: What?
Clyde Cash: The email... I sent.
Chris: Oh, uh I haven't been- you sent me an email. Uhh, ok I haven't been able to get into me email, lately, it's uh, eh, kinda a bit funky.
Clyde Cash: Well, I'll read it out, but before I say so, I've had a long talk with Vivian, and she's right, I'm going way too far out of line. I'm not gonna harm anyone anymore for the rest of my goddamn life.
Chris: Well that's good to hear.
Clyde Cash: Unfortunately, she agrees that...
Julie: [overlaps] What is Clyde doing here?
Clyde Cash: ...I can not let you, I can not let you meet any woman, ever, until you get your life together.
Julie: What's Clyde doing here? He's not supposed to be here-
Clyde Cash: His life is miserable. Look at at, Julie. A man who... [Chris sighs] tell me, what have you done today? What have you done of merit today? Go- go through your daily routine.
Chris: I made contact-
Julie: He's a good person, he doesn't need to...
Chris: I made contact with Julie and expressed my love for her. A little bit more.
Julie: Yes, it was rather nice.
Clyde Cash: Something productive. What have you done with your Sonichu to, you know, whatever potential financial gain you can get from it?
Chris: For your information I have received a call from an associate of Nintendo, that's willing to bring it up to Mr. Miyamoto again. Hopefully it'll be restarted.
Clyde Cash: Tell me-
Julie: Chris, that's awesome.
Clyde Cash: And tell me, how long will this take?
Chris: Hmm. Depends.
Clyde Cash: I mean... y-
Chris: I have to he- wait for them to call me back. Them to call me back.
Clyde Cash: I mean, it could take months. I mean it's taking me months til anything starts and till then, you gotta find yourself a way of financial security. Besides, aren't you gonna have to make a trip anyway? You've got to have to save up money somehow.
Chris: Myeah. I'm gonna save up money for a month.
Clyde Cash: How are you gonna save money? I mean $800 a month... really?
Chris: Yeah... it'll be a while sure, but I will have it saved up.
Clyde Cash: But don't you got bills to pay? After bills, how much do you have left?
Chris: I don't need to tell you my financial situation.
Clyde Cash: I think Julie would like to know. Right?
Julie: Clyde, stop it.
Chris: Yeah Clyde, leave us alone.
Clyde Cash: I'm not doing anything harmful, I'm just asking how you're going to save money up for a future family. I mean if you cannot even do that... then, there's... there's no way your family will be a success. She will divorce you quicker than... I dunno. I dunno.
Chris: I'm working on [Julie chimes in, inaudible, along the lines of never divorcing Chris.] controlling my compulsive spending.
Clyde Cash: It's not just controlling your spending. You can do that easily. The thing is you need more than $800 a month. Way more to support a family.
Chris: Maybe so, but at least I'll have some money tucked away before I start that family up.
Clyde Cash: And how much do you have tucked away right now?
Chris: (Smug) I have about 100 bucks tucked away right now.
Clyde Cash: [laughs] Chris... $100 might last you a week.
Chris: Shows what you know.
Clyde Cash: Ok. In an average week how much do you think you'll spend on food for let's say, two adults and uh, well you're not going to have a child that fast, so just, let's go with two adults.
Chris: Hmm. I'm sorry could you repeat the question?
Clyde Cash: How much do you think it would cost to feed two adults, let's say you and Julie, for a week?
Chris: I'd say probably about... right about somewhere between twenty to fifty.
Clyde Cash: Alright, let's just say thirty to average that out. You got seventy bucks left that week. Now, let's see: you got bills to pay. Hmm... And that's obviously got to be like... what kind of bills you got? TV, you got Internet, I mean, Julie, what other amenities do you need?
Chris: She doesn't have to answer you.
Clyde Cash: I'm- My God. It's simple. You got TV, you got your car payments, car insurance, you got your Internet, you got utilities, it's all gonna add up. $100 is not going to last a month.
Chris: I tucked a hundred aside and uh, a hundred a month and I'll have enough money saved up. Over that time.
Clyde Cash: The thing is what happens when you run out?
Chris: Then I'll save up some more.
Clyde Cash: No, that takes time. Ahh... I mean, oh my God. How much money do you think it costs to raise a family for a year?
Chris: I'll bet that might seem to run into the thousands.
Clyde Cash: And if you save $100 a month... you'd barely get $1,000.
Chris: Well if I have to, I can and will get a job.
Clyde Cash: And again, I looked over your files. Why do you think you got an F on that?
Chris: I did not get an F on that.
Clyde Cash: Ohh, oh, what'd you get then?
Chris: I got... an A+. It took me weeks to months. A whole lot of thought. It's that big grand shopping mall with the mayor's office on the other floor.
Clyde Cash: But you got an F in the comics, I thought that's what you got.
Chris: Well, you misunderstood.
Clyde Cash: Well, how did I misunderstand? I mean, it says, "I have Grade F destruction," that definitely implies Grade F.
Chris: It was on previous projects before that one. One or two.
Clyde Cash: But then why'd you have to villainize him? I mean everyone gets failing grades, you don't have to have some...
Chris: Because he talked down to me, he made me feel inferior.
Clyde Cash: My God. I mean, you didn't even utilize the 3D aspect of AutoCAD, did you?
Chris: 3D aspect of?
Clyde Cash: You know, you got your Y plane, your X plane and your Z plane. You have a X and Y plane. You never used a Z plane.
Chris: I do use the Z plane.
Clyde Cash: I didn't see that in that project.
Chris: [condescending] Well, did you have a CADD program in your computer?
Clyde Cash: Yes! I have the official one from AutoCAD.
Chris: I see.
Clyde Cash: Lemme tell you, did you even bother to look for a job utilizing that degree?
Chris: I have. And it's a bit... on a shortage right now.
Clyde Cash: Did you even go in for an interview?
Chris: I have gone in for interviews, yes.
Clyde Cash: With what companies?
Chris: [long pause] Look, there's so much stress right now, I've got a headache. It's hard for me to think of specific names at the moment.
Clyde Cash: So you're lying to me, is that what you're saying?
Chris: I am not- I am not lying to you.
Clyde Cash: Julie, listen to that. He can't even name one company he's tried to work for. Tell me, do you think a man could financially support you like that?
Julie: Uh, yes [Chris says "leave it-"]. It's possible. He can do it.
Chris: [Clyde, inaudible] Yes, I can.
Clyde Cash: This is American dollars we're talking about, the conversion rate is so much different.
Julie: I don't care, you can do anything.
Chris: Yeah.
Clyde Cash: Ok, well you're a little delusional. In America we've got a bad economic spin right now. A really bad one.
Julie: I understand that.
Chris: Me too.
Clyde Cash: No you don't, Chris. You don't listen to the bad news. You said it yourself. You don't listen to the bad news.
Chris: [overlaps] I do too. I had to listen to it from my father every day, when I'm trapped with him in the car, or when I'm downstairs with him.
Clyde Cash: Ok, wait, why are you going with your father in the car? For what?
Chris: Sometimes I go out-go out when him when he goes on trips, he goes downtown for- to run an errand. And sometimes I'll even go out with him for his morning cup of coffee. And than I get a cup of coffee as well.
Clyde Cash: Okay. Tell me. Tell me why we've got an economic crisis.
Chris: [long pause]One reason? The high gas prices being raised by the A-Rabs. They gettin' greedy. And the low amount of available jobs being made. A lot of people are getting fired, and a whole bunch of other stuff I can't think of at the moment, because I'll admit sometimes my memory fails me.
Clyde Cash: What the hell kind of answer was that?
Chris: It's an HONEST one.
Clyde Cash: Is it the truth? Have you even looked it up? Do you understand what a bank does?
Chris: Bank. Keeps your- it does- they- you store your money in the bank. Eventually it increases with interest, and you can spend some out of it and you can put some more in it.
Clyde Cash: How to banks make- how do banks raise the money to give people interest? How do they do that?
Chris: Okay, I'll admit you got me there. I don't know.
Clyde Cash: That is the reason why we have a terrible economic meltdown right now. Because banks are giving out loans that people cannot pay off. And now it's all come tumbling down. A bunch of corruption, a bunch of terrible loans, and a president who didn't know what to do. You're telling me you're financially prepared to take on a future wife?
Chris: I didn't- I... I did not say that I-
Clyde Cash: I'm doing this for the good of Julie. Do you understand what I'm asking you? This isn't hatred against you or anything. I'm trying to make you a better person.
Chris: Yeah, listen. I may or may not be financially prepared at the moment, but I know that I am emotionally prepared.
Clyde Cash: Look, I wanna tell you the story of my government teacher. He had it all. He was completely prepared to marry his sweetheart. But you know what he didn't have? Money. He was trapped with student loans and college and he could barely pay off everything in his apartment. He's eighty and he hasn't- and he's never heard from her since. Now, I don't want you to grow up to be a lonely old man, but... you don't have the money. Julie's gonna leave you. Julie is going to leave you. And I know this.
Julie: No I'm not.
Chris: I have faith in Julie. She has faith in me.
Clyde Cash: As I said, faith means nothing. As I said last time, if you end up homeless, it's over. She's going to leave you.
Julie: No I won't. I would never do that.
Clyde Cash: Julie.
Julie: What?
Clyde Cash: You know, you seem to be trapped in a fantasy world of romance where you think things will work out in the end. Let me tell you something. It doesn't. It doesn't work out in the end.
Julie: Yes, it's true. It will.
Clyde Cash: It doesn't.
Julie: Isn't that right Chris?
Clyde Cash: [overlaps] I'm just giving you stories, my own stories, my own personal tales of loss. And things do not work out like you see in the movies. You have to agree with me on this. The divorce rate in America is 50%. Fifty God-damn percent.
Chris: Maybe so, but the other 50% are still happ- are still happily married.
Clyde Cash: You don't know if they're happy. They could be in it for the tax. Tax breaks, and what not. They might not- they could be separated. My parents were for quite a long time, and than they got divorced, and then they died. It's a sad tale. You gotta understand.
Chris: Look. Yeah. I'm hear- I-I- I'm understanding where you're coming from. But you do not need to reflect your own bad times among other people.
[Voices overlap]
Clyde Cash: What about your parents Chris? What about your parents?
Chris: Oh, let me ask- let me tell you something. I talked to my mother. They never got drunk before they had me. They planned me. They met in 1979, they married in 1980, I was born in 1982.
Clyde Cash: I trust the word of your brother more than the word of your parents. Because your mother's been lying to Cole for quite a long time. Did he ever find out who his real father was?
Chris: Yes. He did.
Clyde Cash: Really. I should ask him, I should ask him.
[Voices overlap, Chris says "And he'll tell you that-", Clyde inaudible]
Chris: I'm sorry, go ahead.
Clyde Cash: No, you go. You go.
Chris: Anyway, you'll find an answer the same thing from him that his fa- that his blood father was a drunk.
Clyde Cash: And, uhh, but what about your mother? Didn't she divorce? Or your father?
Chris: I'm sorry could you repeat that?
Clyde Cash: Didn't your mother and father, go through various, y'know, marriages as well?
Chris: Yes, my mother has been through a few different marriages, and my father has only been through one marriage before they met.
Clyde Cash: You see, fifty percent is definitely not a lie. And Julie- you and Julie... could end up the same way. It's what I'm saying. I'm TRYING for the best. I'm TRYING to help you. Julie, both of you have problems that need actual help.
Chris: You could use some of your own help as well.
Clyde Cash: I don't, okay? I'm not actually looking for a marriage, if Sarah comes back, that's fine. I'm prepared. But Chris, you are not prepared at all.
Chris: I'm more prepared than you'll ever... be able to imagine.
Clyde Cash: We just went over your finances, you have a hundred dollars saved up. That's not gonna get you anywhere.
Chris: I may not be financially prepared at the moment, but I am emotionally prepared right now.
Clyde Cash: Again, emotions mean nothing when you're homeless and out on the street. I'm repeating myself. I'm a parrot, and I want a cracker.
Chris: [Squawks loudly]
Clyde Cash: That was unnecessary.
Chris: Well you called yourself a parrot, so I squawked. [squawks twice]
Clyde Cash: Look, you don't have to do that. Stop derailing this conversation.
Chris: Excuse me. [rustling sounds] [presumably somebody calling for him] Coming!
[Short pause]
Julie: Oh, gosh darn it! My penis got stuck in my throat!
[Pause, with Clyde singing Way to Fall and Julie talking about big fat wangs]
Julie: Clyde, you should leave now before Chris comes back and gets mad at you. You're just making him angrier and angrier.
Clyde Cash: You better watch your mouth. Isn't your parental guardian, or guardian will take you away from your precious, precious Internets. Stay silent. Brother... [Starts singing again]
[very long pause]
Clyde Cash: My sole goal now is justice, it's all I ever wanted.
[The sound of a TV in the background]
Julie: Chris?
Clyde Cash: It's the curse. The parental curse. [creepy sigh] The truth behind your crutch. This is good, isn't it...?
[Clyde mumbles more]
Chris: [sighs] All right, my mom wants me to go out and get her some bread, some orange juice, and a sss- and a- a tuna fish, and a tuna sub from Sheetz.
Clyde Cash: It's awfully late for tha-
Chris: [Interrupting Clyde] Sheetz is open 24 hours.
Clyde Cash: That's nice. Okay. I can't believe you said-
Chris: [overlaps] Uhh, Julie, I'll talk to you later on the PlayStation Network. Goodbye!
Julie: Are you going to come back to Mumble?
Chris: Mm, that's some for me to think about. I'll see you later Julie. Alright, Clyde.
Julie: Alright, I'll see you later. Bye.
[Chris disconnects]
Julie: Well, could have been better. Could have been awfully better. That's all I can really say. I'm disappointed. And before you all unmute yourselves- [cuts off] I am a- [cuts off] Oh, I was supposed to do that, Cogs! What's up! What's up, I was gonna do that! Anyway, yeah, Chris might be-[cuts off]
[Trolls talk near inaudibly]
GeckoMantis: Cogs, I'm sorry, I was still set to stereo mix instead of my microphone, because I was recording Chris.
GeckoMantis: Yeah, I'd better stop recording now.

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