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Julie Reveals Herself: The Prequel
—Chris, the unfailing romantic
On 3 March 2009, in an infamous chat session, BlueSpike revealed his identity as the mind behind both Chris's sweetheart Julie and her tormenting brother Max. Hours before that, however, Chris was caught under fire by his notorious foe and softened up a bit in advance of the main assault.
At this point, Chris had discovered from Julie that Max had somehow acquired access to his Yahoo! account, as well as his PSN account and Sonichuandrosechu.com. (Unbeknownst to Chris, this came about because he had given his passwords to Julie just a short time before.) Max, having a pickle gun aimed right at Chris's crooked duck, decided to torture Chris by threatening to either deprive him of Julie's company or sell his PSN account on eBay, much to his major dismay.
Prior to the main conversation where Julie eventually revealed her true identity, BlueSpike and Chris had the following preliminary chat, where Chris first tried to come to grips with the theft of his digital possessions. He took it pretty badly, although the worst was of course yet to come.
Chris's attempts to barter with Max are especially funny. As in the Alec Benson Leary phone calls, he flails around desperately trying to bargain in a situation where he has nothing to offer and no leverage to employ. At one point he even tries to buy off Max with a copy of Street Fighter IV (to be delivered after Julie arrives at 14 Branchland Court, of course, not before).
Also, Chris apparently listens to the John Tesh radio show.
Due to the poor quality of the audio conversation, most of what Max and Julie are saying is almost inaudible. Please feel free to try and listen to better understand what they are saying.
| Julie Reveals Herself: The Prequel, Pt. 1
|Stardate||3 March 2009|
|Featuring||Solid Chris; Julie; BlueSpike|
| next |
Chris: [stress sigh] I guess I gotta try to uh...get back my PSN account. I have to talk with the PlayStation people. A-a-any-but in this-at this point, ah yeah, I won't be able to make it into the Mumble tonight.
Max: Why not [barely audible]
Chris: How come there-I might be a little later... tonight, so basically this will be our chat, yeah, at this point. Probably get my, uh-[interrupted by Max]
Max: [again, what he says is completely inaudible]
Max: [inaudible] But uhh... I did some searching and I found who took it!
Chris: Woah. Okay, who took it?
Max: [inaudible again]
Chris: Well, PLEASE tell me who took it.
Max: Why should I? [inaudible]
Chris: [small sigh]
Chris: [big, stressed sigh] Look, Maaaaaaax... [pause] Ah, Jesus Christ... [sigh, pause, sighs again] Well, if I ask you for my PSN back, you're not send m-you're not gonna send Julie here. Just wanna make sure we're understood here. And also, what happened to my-my-I just checked on SonichuandRosechu.com, it's not there!
Max: Alriiight, [inaudible]
Chris: [sigh] Yeah...
Max: [inaudible, but something can be heard from his end]
Chris: [inhales, sighs hard]
Chris: [inhales, sighs hard yet again] Alright, I want my-Alright, I want my stuff back. [sigh] [Max probably says something here, but nothing can be heard] Alright, well- Wait, I'm sorry, can ah- Ugh... oh... Oh geez! I'm sorry, I want Julie, I WANT JULIE!
Max: Hell no!
Chris: [sigh] Look, ah- Uh... Quit messing around!
Max: [inaudible, but it sounds like he's mocking Chris.]
Chris: Come on, this is serious!
Chris: [sigh] Well, look, I'm sorry, I definitely w-
Max: [interrupts, presumably talking about the PSN or Julie deal]
Chris: [sigh] Yes... Yes I accept that.
Chris: Uh... Jesus Christ...
[Max turns into JULAAAAAYYYYYY]
Chris: [sigh] Uh, Julie! I-Uh... Y-Your brother found out that I can get my PSN account back and-and my Yahoo! account back, since uh... well, s-s-since apparently these people have hacked into my PSN and my Wahoo account, and I think-uh... anyway, they made me choose-made me have to make a choice: You or my PSN and my Yahoo! account.
Julie: Did you pick the latter?
Chris: No, I chose you.
Chris: Yeah... Yeah! Alright-Alright, but listen, Julie, do me a favor, try to uh-try to get my PSN and Wahoo account back from your brother for me. [sigh]
Julie: So, how are you liking your misery?
Chris: Not easy, but I'd rather have my true love. Yeah.
Chris: Alright. Yeah.
Chris: Alright, well who took it?
Julie: My brother did.
Chris: [sigh] How come that strikes me as no surprise? [pause] Mmm...
Max: [inaudible] It's mine, every dollar! You'll never have it!
Chris: Ye- ye- yeah, listen, please. Give me back my, uh, PSN and my Yahoo account.
Max: Never, it's mine!
Chris: Well, fine, then send Julie over here, please.
Max: You chose the wrong person- [inaudible]
Chris: [sigh] Wait, what?
Chris: [stressed sigh] Yeah, let me talk to Julie, please.
Chris: [sigh] Julie. Yeah, he admitted that he did, he did pretty much steal my, uh, PSN, and my Yahoo accounts. My- yeah, your brother, just now. [pause, sigh] Julie, I want- I lo- I love you and I want you, but also put so much investment in my own Playstation account and uh, Sonichuandrosechu.com.
Chris: [sigh] Because he's sending you to me. [pause] Ah, god dammit. Alright, well, uh, I'll try, well, don't tell Max, but I'll- try to, uh- [stress sigh] I talk to the plays- I'll call PlayStation and uh, try to get my PSN account back, and uh, Yahoo! as well. [pause] Alright.
Julie: [inaudible, possibly asking how he feels]
Chris: Well, I'm disappointed, and I'm saddened.
Max: [inaudible] never, ever [inaudible]
Chris: Ahhhhh! Uhh, MAAAAAAAX! NO!
Max: No? Why no?
Chris: Because it's taken so much--I've invested a whole lot of time and effort into!
Chris: Yeah, you're stealing that from me! [very stressed sigh]
Max: You'll never defeat me. How? How are you now? Just tell me.
Chris: [sigh] Look, you want me show you, you want me to show you my dick? [pause] Ahh.
Max: I don't wanna see your dick! [inaudible]
Chris: No. I was, no I was just, showing-
Max: Your doing it again!
Chris: No, you asked me to do it and I was just saying I would do that to get my- N-no! [pause] Oh, you were kidding, so, yeah, but yeah, but still, just so you know, I would do that, so- [pause] Alright. Well, I'm not gonna show it- I will not show it to you then. Oh, but seriously, please. Thank you, don't do this to me. I've had a lot of tough- so much bad times in my life. *sigh* Yeah, so I admit, this is, been- this is one of them, but please. Please. Give me back everything.
Chris: Oh, for, how am I gonna persuade? [sigh] Let's see. I will send, I will, after Julie, I will mail you back a copy, of, uh, Street Fighter IV, after I get it in a month, forward.
Chris: Ahhh, no! No! No! [pause] Look, what do you want? What do you truly want from me?
Chris: Ah...no! No! No! No! No! No! Stop it! Stop it! Max, you stop it right
NOW YOU BASTARD, STOP IT!!!
YOU STOP IT RIGHT NOW! YOU'RE REALLY MAKING ME ANGRY!
Max: Calm down! Clam down! Calm down, I'm gonna change it back.
Chris: Ok, so you're gonna change everything back to the way it was. [sigh] Just change it all back to everything it was, please. Otherwise I'm gonna get furious again.
Max: Oh, you think I'm going to give everything back?
Chris: [sigh] Max, ple--[interrupted by Max] MAX! YOU GIVE ME BACK MY ACCOUNT RIGHT NOW!
Max: Nooooo! No!
Chris: You give me back my account right now!
Max: Why? What do you want more?
Chris: [sigh] Look, I want Julie and I want my, I want my stuff back safe and sound!
Max: Want help? Only one. [inaudible]
Chris: [sigh] I want Julie.
Max: So, love is your first priority?
Chris: Yeah, love is my first priority, but then- but then I want my stuff back!
Max: [inaudible, possibly said "Well, you're not getting either one!"]
Chris: AHHH, YOU'RE MAKING ME SO ANGRY!!!
Chris: YOU FUCKING SUCK SO
Max: Okay! I'll stop. [inaudible, pretends to be hurt by Chris's Tard Rage]
Chris: I'm sorry. [pause] Uhh, that hurt a lot, didn't it?
Chris: [sigh] I'm listening.
Chris: [sigh] [pause] Ahh. [pause] Look.
Chris: [sigh] Look, I'm sorry you didn't have, didn't have as much growing up in Molvanîa, but please, don't have, and I understand that you can, that you're taking your frustrations out on me at this point.
Max: I sure am. Hey, Chris?
Max: Um, I was wondering. How would you feel if I put it on eBay?
'Chris: AHH! YOU DO NOT PUT IT ON EBAY! I LOST SONICHU.NET THAT WAY, AND I'M NOT GONNA LOSE MY PSN ACCOUNT THIS WAY! [pause] Well. No no no no no no, I'm calm. I'm calming down, I'm calming down.
Chris: I'm calming down, ok.
Chris: [sighs and stammers] [pause] Enngh! [pause] I don't know, probably!
Chris: Alright. [pause] Yeah, you just want, you just want-
| Julie Reveals Herself: The Prequel, Pt. 2
|Stardate||3 March 2009|
|Featuring||Solid Chris; Julie; BlueSpike|
| next |
Chris: -to make sure that I love and respect her very much.
Chris: I see.
Max: [inaudible. Chris's following response indicates that this may be about Max putting Chris's PSN up for sale.]
Chris: Ahh, you, no you take down from eBay! You leave it off of eBay!
Max: What's it gonna be, Chris: eBay or the girl?
Chris: Ahh, I want Julie. I want Julie, yes. [pause, whines and moans]
Max: Are you crying?
Chris: I feel like I'm gonna cry.
Max: Well, cry then, Chris! Cry!
Chris: [whines louder]
Max: No, no, no! [inaudible]
Chris: [tries harder to fake crying]
Max: Come on, be a man! [inaudiable]
Chris: Ohhhhhhh! Uuuungh!
Chris: [clears his throat, pretending to cry] Uhh. [sighs and grunts] Uuungh, don't. Uhh. [pause, Monty Python is heard in the background now, now obscuring Max's voice more than ever.] I have grown more mature, from the past, for two years, after talking, to, uh to, the, across the, quote un quote, women on the internet. I have, I have grown, uh, a little better at, uh, being able to, uh, socialize. [sniffles]
Chris: Yes, so, uh, you know, I'm gonna, uh, at least have the confidence to say "Hello, I looking for, uh, looking for some friends. Would you like to be, one?" [pause] Ok.
Chris: Yes, I do use soap and water, in the shower. And when I wash my hands. [pause] I prefer to stay clean, you know, uh, germaphobes, or, as they are, uh, as more terms to describes them, they don't live longer then, uh, those who don't wash their hands as often. [pause] I heard it on the John Tesh radio show.
Chris: Ok. [pause] Well, it turned me off, and it deferred my, uh,- [interrupted by Max] Because, uh, alright first, it gave a bunch of shock and surprise. And uh, made me realize all my, uh, efforts were for not, but then, but it kinda turned me off in that sense, but then, I wo-, it also confirmed my decision to, uh, actually go back out into my local public to try and find, uh, try and find myself a, uh, woman there. [pause] Ok.
Chris: Ok. [pause] Well, it's alright. You, I'll forgive- I, uh, I will uh, not blame you for that. I would just like my Yahoo at this time, if I may. And we could, I could not- [interrupted again by Max] Ok.
Chris: Yes, the muh, the uh, muh, the uh, chopped up buh-boh went out of my ass, and into the toilet. [pause] Yeah, some of it was brown. [pause] It's alright. It's ok. [pause] So, about my Yahoo password?
Chris: Ok, so, you- [pause] Ok. [pause] I'm sorry, meh?
Chris: I see. [Pause] Ok, that's fine, I accept your apology. What, no, I accepted your apology.
Chris: I did not do anything. [pause] I don't know. [pause] I'm not lying to you. [pause] I don't know.
Chris: Well, I'm, uh, well, I accept that. You're angry with me, and I, res-, I uh, respect your feelings for that, and I'm sorry for making you angry. [pause] I see. [pause] So, what are we talking about here? [pause] Yes, I have been listening.
Chris: Just take a few deep breaths and take your time.
Chris: I don't know. What are you thinking about doing? [pause] I see.
Chris: I'll tell you what, I'll give you some time, and if you, uh, decide, uh, so, you can, let me know.
Chris: Yeah, you can let me know in the Skype. Alright, talk to you later.
[end of recording]