Jack Thaddeus Phone Call
|“||Take your problems head on. Do not fucking dodge them. I just read that from a fortune cookie. Except I added the fucking part because Chinese people don't curse a lot.||”|
|Jack Thaddeus, His Holiness the Dalai Lama|
|“||[sigh] My blood is not made of gravy.||”|
|Chris, shattering the basis of every belief that we've ever held about him|
Most of the call, Jack reprimands Chris and tells him he has a problem with making his comics, his health and his mailbag. Chris remains monosyllabic and uninterested throughout, except to silence Jack with two fairly solid burns. Rather than angering Chris, this call seems to have inflicted a lot of stress on Chris, which will cause him to take a Power Nap.
It's important to note that this is the first time we see Chris actually being able to counter-insult properly. While some may see this as proof that he is, in fact, growing as a person, the laws of probability state that if a person continuously rambles off ridiculously stupid statements, there is a minute possibility that one of them will actually come out as really clever. He then proves this by apologizing.
Chris: I'm just replying to-
Jack: I'm pissed at you! No! Shut up, I'm pissed at you.
Chris: Okay, is this because I haven't picked up?
Jack: No- well, yes! That's actually- you get a point. Okay, you get- you get a gold star, just like you would if you were in a retard class, which you probably were in, because, well, you're Chris. Anyways, um, so, yeah, apparently, you're all butthurt about people calling you- saying that you have Asperger's which is pretty funny considering that, you know, it pisses you off, so-
Jack: What-what? What? What?
Chris: I'm like, whatever. It's a mislabel.
Jack: Oh, oh! No, it's cute. It's cute! You think that- you think that Asperger's- people with Asperger's are trying to take the quote/unquote “limelight” away from people with autism. What- how- why... why is that- that's like saying, "People with cancer are trying to take the limelight away from people with AIDS," ...although, you'd probably like that considering you hate the homos.
Jack: You know a friend of mine has AIDS. He's gay.
Chris: Well, I feel bad for him. And he has my sympathy- he has my pity.
Jack: But he's gay Chris!
Chris: I know. I, uh- I assumed that because you know, you said he had gay- he had AIDS.
Jack: Oh, you assume- you assume that everybody that has AIDS is gay. Wow. Wow, Chris. Wow, that's- way to fuckin', you know, fall into the fuckin' pit of stupid. You know, a lot of people have AIDS, not just gay people. Actually, more straight people have AIDS than gay people. But, anyways, I'm pissed at you for multiple reasons. First of all, the comic sucks. Second of all, the video you did sucks. You know, Vivian's been yelling at me saying I'm interfering; I'm interfering. I didn't do shit, okay? So, you know. That- that bitch is crazy, so you know. Also, you didn't fuckin' answer my letter that I sent to you.
Chris: Well, I haven't found your letter.
Jack: I told you!
Chris: I checked in the mailbag and I-
Jack: Because you went and put it in rejected, you dumb shit!
Chris: I did not put it in Rejected Mailbag- I did not- I did not find anything from Jack Thad- from you.
Jack: I- I told you it was in the name "David Crass"! You really think I'm stupid enough to put my name as Jack Thaddeus?
Chris: Oh, wait, okay, okay, I just found it. Okay, I just found it.
Jack: Now read it out to me. Read it out to me.
Chris: Okay. “Dear Chris, why is Rosechu so useless?”
Jack: Now answer it. Why is she so useless?
Chris: Well, she is not useless.
Jack: [laughter] Okay, okay, so, so what did she do in the last, uh, comic? In this- in this comic right here.
Chris: [sigh] She took down some Punislavs and some Jerkops... with her lightning blade.
Jack: Everybody else was doing that. Her lightning- no, and then she got kidnapped! How is it that she's able to apparently fight these people, and then suddenly get kidnapped.
Chris: It just happened. It happened from behind her. She does not have eyes in the back of her head.
Jack: It just happened. Oh! She got taken from behind. I see that's- she got taken from... [trails off] Also Punislavs? That's kinda- Slavs, you know that Slavs are an ethnic group? That's kinda I'm just saying Chris-
Chris: [interrupting] Well, would you rather I called it a “slave?”
Jack: Yes, that might be nice. That might be nice. What, you think that all black- that "slaves"- that "slave" has suddenly become a bad word? It makes more sense, Chris. If they're fuckin'- God dammit. You know what? You know what? You know what, you should be talking to Vivian about this shit, because I'm just saying. I mean- but, anyways. Why is Rosechu not a useless piece of shit? And also, why is your plot so fucking convoluted and unnecessarily complicated? You make characters, and then you retcon them into the fucking story, and then they disappear. They play no role.
Chris: [sigh] They did play a role; they helped in defending the city of CWCville.
Jack: That's not a fucking- okay, okay, you seem to have a problem with storytelling. CWCville- the defense of CWCville doesn't mean shit if there's no story, and you need certain main characters. A bunch of fucking secondary characters doesn't do shit.
Chris: Well, Sonichu is a main- Sonichu and Rosechu are the main characters.
Jack: Then why do you have so many fucking other characters? The only character I like is Punchy Sonichu, and that's because he reminds me of Clyde. [long pause] What?
Chris: Nothing. Nothing. Anyway... Mmm.
Jack: People told you that that picture of that Guido wasn't Clyde, but you didn't listen. Remember back then?
Jack: Yeah, you're- that was just one of- that was- that was actually... fucking comedy gold, man. I- I- I am actually not- I actually- I'm proud of you for not listenin' to, ya know, advice of other people, and, you know, just- just being the dumb shit that you are and just making that video of you, having a picture of that Guido from the Jersey shore. Ahaha. Ohh... You're a funny guy, Chris. But, okay, I'll- I'll...
[Chris makes a noise to make sure that we still know he has a pulse]
Jack: You can, you know- I'm- we're gonna have- we're not- I'm not hanging up. We're having our talk right now, Chris, so don't- don't fuckin' try and rush me, okay?
Jack: 'Cuz I- I can hear you, you know, fucking... shifting around and going [at this point, Jack makes raptor noises], like you're fucking... getting tortured, okay? So don't get antsy with me.
Chris: I'm not doing- I'm not making any noises.
Jack: I- I- no, I- I hear you. I hear you, Chris... you know.
Chris: You're listening to the radio in the background.
Jack: Why- who the fuck still listens to radio?! I mean, I- I li- I listen to NPR, but, you know, otherwise, who the fuck cares?
Chris: Yeah, well- well, that's John Tesh.
Jack: Who the fuck is John Tesh?! Sounds like a fag!
[after a pause, they simultaneously say "Anyways...", and, afterward, Chris quietly sighs]
Jack: Oh, you fucker! Anyways- God!- parkour: eh, you seem to really not understand parkour.
Jack: You really... don't understand- seem to understand- [sigh] you know what? Yeah, you- I don't... hmm... Why don't you explain stuff to me, Chris? I- I'd like to- I'd like to know what you... think would be passing as, uhh, you know... you know... parkour?
Chris: I did not understand the question.
Jack: [quietly to himself] That was actually pretty funny. Umm... what is parkour?
Chris: Par-core: to my interpretation... it is a style of running. Running from one point to another... yes, with jumps... and along the walls, and other things.
Jack: Mmm... that's- you interpreted it wrong. It's- well... yeah, you got it then; you got it when you add the... jumping on the walls and shit. It's- but, then again... what you said you were doing was "Parkay", which- Parkay a brand of butter, so, you know, [Chris begins to interrupt] seeing that you're a fat load of-
Chris: Well... okay, well- ok- well-
Jack: Hey! Do not fucking do that!
Chris: Okay, well, I forgot- I... had trouble remembering what the word was.
Jack: You know- you know- Chris, settle down. It's not nice to interrupt people.
Jack: Your parents really failed... at teaching you manners.
Chris: Hmm... well... please continue.
Jack: Yous called it Parkay. Now that's hilarious, because... Parkay is a brand of butter, and you're like butter in that you're a fat piece of shit.
[Chris gives one of his infamous sighs, which Jack then mocks]
Chris: Okay, well, I forg- I-
Jack: You really- do you really think- do you really think you're healthy? Do you really think- do you think you're healthy?
Chris: I could be healthier.
Jack: You could be healthier? Okay, yeah... you could be healthier if your fuckin' blood wasn't made of gravy.
Chris: [sigh] My blood is not made of gravy.
Jack: It's not? It's not. Then why... why do you... have to take four fucking breaks in... the video, just running for ten minutes? I can run for ten minutes without taking a break, and I can then go up a flight of stairs, after running ten minutes without a break, and make it to the top... you know, faster than you did.
Chris: Alright, then.
Jack: Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty fucking awesome.
Jack: You gonna admit that I'm awesome?
Chris: I'm sorry, I did not understand that question.
Jack: Oh, I- I- I was just- oh, are you physically fit?
Chris: I will admit that I could be bette- I could be more fit.
Jack: I want you to admit that you are fat, and that you have a problem, and that you need to work on it. [strange noises of discombobulation] Never mind, I'm- I'm pretty sure you and... Kim (???)- she's all- alright with that, because she seems like the type that would, you know... be a... fuckin'... you know, bossy-boss. But are you fit, Chris? Yes or no.
Jack: Do not say- good. Good, we got somewhere. You are fat. Now... that's the first step in fixing the problem. Now, you actually have to do something, and by "something", I mean "get out of the house and"- nah, never mind; I don't give a shit.
Jack: Uhh, I don't know... Vivian is... gonna be pissed, and, you know... I'm just saying.
Chris: Alright, well, my bad.
Jack: Anyways... I want you to... stop rejecting... mail that you don't like.
Jack: You- these are your fans, Chris; you shouldn't be fucking pushing them around like this... and actin' like, ya know, just because they say something that you don't agree with, their... opinions suddenly don't matter.
Jack: You know, so... Vivian is trying to help you, but you don't- you seem to have a problem with taking advice.
Chris: I have been taking advice- the advice of Vivian.
Jack: No, you haven't. [interruption battle ensues] You've been- you've been- okay, here's your version of-
Chris: O- okay, well I- okay, well, I need to dispel- I need to-
Chris: [interrupts quietly] Okay.
Jack: What have I told you about interrupting?!
Chris: Alright, well, I was- I wa- I was sayin' somethin', then, uhh, you started sayin' somethin', so, okay... Continue.
Jack: Trials and advertisements make... you- trials and adversities make stronger; take your problems head-on; do not fucking dodge them.
Jack: I just read that... from a fortune cookie.
Jack: Except I added the "fucking" part, because-
Jack: Chinese people don't curse a lot.
Jack: Actually, they do, but... I don't know. They- they curse in Chinese... something.
Chris: Yeah. Okay.
Jack: How much do you care about Sonichu? [disgruntled noise of frustration] Okay! Now I am pissed, Chris, because I know what you're doing; you're just- you're not even listening! There's more-
Chris: I am listening to you.
Jack: No, you're just saying, "Uh-huh. Yeah. Uhm-hmm. Yeah." You... I've heard you do this before.
Chris: Well, I have been listening to you.
Jack: Hi(?), I remember when you did this with Clyde. You just sit there and just, like, go, "Uhm-hmm. Uhm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Hmm. Yeah. Mm." Do I do a good impression of you? I think I do. I'm- I think it's pretty spot-on. So...
Jack: 'Member when- that's not a fuckin' respo-nse!
Chris: But do go on, please.
Jack: Okay. He- remember when he tried to get you to go to Redmond... and you didn't go?
Jack: You didn't go, because you don't give a shit about Sonichu.
Chris: No, I didn't go, because I thought it was a trap.
Jack: How could it be a trap? For what?
Jack: Do you think Clyde would-
Chris: My mom thought it wa- my mom thought it was a trap. My dad thought it was a trap.
Jack: No, you thought it was a trap!
Chris: And th-
Jack: Mom and Dad don't give a shit about what you do with Sonichu!
Chris: And then we realized that the- that the e-mails from Mr. Mayamoto came from Mail.com, which is where anybody could pretend to be somebody else.
[at this point, Jack basks in the silence of the rare occurrence of having been owned by Chris]
Jack: Eh... Well... Miyamoto-
Chris: Of course, you know, my family is concerned of my safety, so there you go.
Jack: Yeah, that's why they shelter you like you're a baby. You know what? My parents threw me out when I turned eighteen. You know why they threw me out?
Chris: Hmm... probably because they couldn't stand you?
[Chris is now officially on a roll]
Jack: Oooh! That earns you... two more gay ads! ...You little sassy-
Jack: thingy... guy. You gonna apologize?
Chris: Yeah, I'm apologizing. I apologize for that. Okay, I-
Jack: No, say, "I'm sorry." Hey, "I am sorry."
Chris: I'm sorry.
Jack: Well... they kicked me out because I- because, you know... I have like five other brothers, or something. I don't know. I have a lot of... people in house.
Chris: Okay. So it was overcrowded.
Jack: Just like your house, except it's not full of people; it's full of shit that you don't need! HAHAHAHAHA! Ahhh... we have fun, don't we, Chris?
Chris: Hmm... Well, you are, anyway.
Chris: And I am not going to interrupt.
Jack: Anyways... grow some balls, get some initiative, fucking promote the shit out of Sonichu...
Jack: ...Vivian's gonna rape me... with the... strap-on, because she's crazy- oh, wait, I was reading an e-mail. Umm... yeah.
Jack: Just do whatever Vivian says, and... I'll be calling you soon, and... you don't fucking abuse your fans. Like, they're, you know- you don't have a lot of them, Chris!
Jack: Also, go to Redmond. Because, you know-
Chris: Eventually, I- eventually, I will.
Jack: Yeah, I- so... Oh, also- also, don't piss of your Asperger friends, 'cuz, you know, they're fuckin'... crazy-ass niggers.
Chris: Alright. So... any other thoughts?
Jack: Alright. Uhh... you're fat.
Chris: Oka- oka- okay, I guess we're done here...?
Jack: Yep. Bye-bye.
Chris: Okay, take care. Merry Christmas.
Jack: Merry Christmas to you, Fatty Fatfat!
|⇐ First||Jack Thaddeus's phone calls||Jack Thaddeus Phone Call 2 ⇒|