Jerkop
| “ | That *&^%$ SHATTERED MY HEART AND MURDERED MY SOUL. And it wasn't just her, the Policemen Imposters in Brown, White and Red, AKA The Jerkops (Blue and Black ARE the TRUE POLICE SOLDIERS) also seriously indented the impression that "Virgina is for Virgins, NOT Lovers". | ” |
A Jerkop is a mall security guard, police officer or prison guard. The word itself is a portmanteau of "JERK" and "cop". Female Jerkops are sometimes called Janekops.[1]
In the Sonichu comics, Jerkops serve as the villainous private army of Mary Lee Walsh and Count Graduon, with Sonichu liberating them from the former's control in Sonichu #10.
Appearance
Jerkops typically resemble human beings wearing red, white, or brown police-style uniforms. Chris goes into greater detail in his "Backyard Safari" feature in Sonichu #4:
| “ | Let's look at one on this illustration. Now here, we see its head is a basic human shape, but it only thinks evil and naughty thoughts. Note, its eyes are frowning; the[sic] stay that way 24/7. With this face, they rarely attract any women. This "badge" is a phony; it's really a cracker, covered in glitter-glue. It wards away all who approach it with its out-of-date breadstick. They wear basic black pants to cover their agil[sic], yet ugly legs; viens[sic], hair, and sores oh, my! Some, not all, wear a black gove[sic] to cover the spot where one finger fell of[sic] as it grew up. They wear brown shoes, because they are ashamed of their sausage feet. When attacked by one, you can take it down easily by kicking it here, in the sour-dough area. | ” |
Rank and file Jerkops are depicted in an even simpler fashion than the other background characters in the Sonichu comics. Their legs are often held tightly together, as if they move via tiny wheels on the undersides of their feet. They have plain, curved, vase-like white bodies. Their female counterparts, Janekops, look about the same, except for their prominent breasts and neck-length hairstyles.
Chris would later elaborate on the Jerkop uniforms on the CWCipedia. White uniforms were for low-class Jerkops, such as new recruits. Red uniforms were for an intermediate rank, possessing "Good Amount of Expierences and Combat Skills." Finally, brown uniforms were for the highest class, including Jerkhiefs and Jerkop Daitenzen such as Bagget.[2]
Mecha-Jerkops
Robotic minions of the Jerkops, the Mecha-Jerkops first appeared in Sonichu #3. Humanoid in appearance, Mecha-Jerkops are about half the size of normal humans, and are dressed and armed to resemble human Jerkops in every other respect. Because of this, and Chris's inconsistent depiction of scale and perspective, it is difficult to distinguish Mecha-Jerkops from their organic counterparts, and they may have appeared in subsequent issues without being named.
In Sub-Episode 4, "McAttack Part 1", B-Manajerk explains that the Jerkhief informed him of Chris and his Love Quest. To help the Manajerks at Mal-Wart defeat Chris, the Jerkhief sent a pair of Mecha-Jerkops to help the B-Manajerk, and his partner, the Merried Seinor Comic. Before the Mecha-Jerkops could act, however, they were cut down by the sword of Darkbind Sonichu, who had come to help Chris battle the Manajerks.
Police?
| “ | And so, I urge you the citizens of CWCville to remember, with the police, only black and blue are true; all other colors are VICE! | ” |
| Chris displays his irrational hatred of the Vice Squad, Sonichu #5, page 28 | ||
While a common misconception holds that Chris essentially delivered a verbose "Fuck tha Police" through the Jerkop characters, he clarified in Sonichu #5 that brown (mall security) is wrong, while more common black and blue (police officers) are TRUE and HONEST. A lot of what Chris wrote about the Jerkops was a feeble effort to undermine the authority of private security staff by comparing them unfavorably with the police. So in mocking the Jerkops' "cracker" badges and hyping "the true police people", Chris ironically put the police on a pedestal.
That said, Chris held a very narrow definition of a "true" police officer. When describing the origins of the Jerkops on CWCipedia, Chris again pointed out that they wore uniforms "OF COLORS OTHER THAN BLUE OR BLACK." This seemed to be a major sticking point for Chris. As far as he was concerned, the color of a cop's uniform provided the sole signifier of his authority, even though many police officers wear brown or white uniforms (or plain clothes when undercover) whether Chris approves or not. Brown is also a popular choice for county police and sheriff's deputies' uniforms (i.e. those serving Greene County), while blue is more common in the cities.
Whatever he was wearing at the time, Marcus Baggett was definitely a real police officer when he arrested Chris in 2004. Nevertheless, Chris still lumped him into the same category as all the security guards who gave him a hard time. So, according to Chris's earlier outlook, cops are only okay as long as they wear blue and black AND they don't try to arrest him for breaking the law.
Subsequent to the events of 28 October 2011, these distinctions are moot. Chris now hates and fears all security guards or police officers regardless of their uniforms or the source of their authority. In a Facebook status update from January 2012, made during an attempt to trawl the Fashion Square Mall for sweethearts, he states: "After October 28, 2011; I know have TOTAL Disrespect and Miscontent of the soo-called Officers of the Badge." This was cemented further in a September 2013 post in which he wrote: "From this moment, I loathe ALL Charlottesville and Ruckersville "Police"; God Damned Jerkops!!! Trolls and Bullies; Every Last One If Them!!!" Chris also proclaimed that no police were to be allowed in CWCville.[3]
However, when he got arrested in August 2021, he uncharacteristically complied with officers (albeit on the advice of The WCT and openly invoking the Dimensional Merge as he did so), suggesting it may not be so much that his antipathy towards the Jerkops has abated within the past several years, but that he instead opts for descent into fantasy to live in denial that he could ever be deserving of legal scrutiny.
That being said, in late May 2024 when he caught a Kiwi Farms user's car approaching his house on security camera, he threatened to report any future stalkers to the authorities using footage as proof.[4] You need not guess why he would suddenly decide the law isn't all villainous.
Police in Sonichu
While CWCville has a police department in Sonichu, they rarely ever appear, except to support Chris and Sonichu while they defend the city instead. In Sonichu #5 Chris dismisses them from the battlefield as soon as he arrives, and in #9 they're only mentioned as part of the city's defenses. Finally, in #10, Chris introduces Constables Lou Perez and Gerald Grant, when Magi-Chan sends them to check Inos into a soup hotel.
Equipment
| “ | MY WOODEN BADGE WAS DELICIOUS! | ” |
| Jerkhief, Sonichu #4 cover | ||
Jerkops, in fitting with their mission to prevent autistic manchildren from procreating, are equipped with faux badges, evidently made of crackers, glitter glue and tree bark.[5] What purpose these serve is unknown, as no one would be so retarded as to fall for such a shoddy disguise.
In terms of weaponry, most Jerkops carry a stale breadstick, in place of a traditional nightstick, pulled from nowhere. The Jerkops also used handcuffs on one occasion, although this may not be standard issue. Jerkhief wields a Halberd-like Pole Axe, and wears a suit of powered armor with Laser Cannons and Missile Lauchers in its shoulders and back, along with the ability to fire off its fists like rockets- he also keeps a Pistol and a Metal Slingshot as backup weaponry. Jerkop Daitenzen wields a sword, and his costume seems to be made of a special material that protects him from the electric attacks of Chris-Chan Sonichu.
The Jerkops also employ several transforming robots for transportation and battle. These include "Punislavs", which transform into brown-liveried Police Cruisers, "Scoundrels as Vessels", which transform into heavily-armoured SUVs, and "Crackders", which transform into dark blue Jet Fighters. The Crackder model proved instrumental in Bagget's capture of Chris in Sonichu #4.
Weaknesses
As demonstrated above, the best way to reduce those who prevent you from violating the law to a quivering pile of jelly is a good kick in the balls, or as Chris calls it, the "Sourdough region." The lowest levels of Jerkop require only a single kick to this region, while higher-level Jerkops such as the Jerkhief may require as many as five kicks, because their fat absorbs the impact.
Creation of a Jerkop
According to the CWCipedia, Jerkops are normal men and women who ended up attending Slaweel Ryam's school, known as "Prowldent Virginia Community College." Upon entering the school for the first day, they are unwittingly infected with "brainwashing powder" that subconsciously affects them. They can live normal lives, but once Slaweel has need for them, she'll activate the brainwashing, and the Jerkops will don their uniforms and go cockblock Chris.
As seen in Chris's earlier documentation, the Jerkops also make use of a "Hypno-Gun" to add to their numbers, since they have such a hard time reproducing. In describing the hypno-gun, Chris made it very clear that the Jerkop brainwashing only worked on "slow-in-the-minds", and others of lesser intelligence. It wasn't until Sonichu #9 where any mention was made of the idea of un-brainwashing the Jerkops, and even then, Chris makes it abundantly clear that his Electric Hedgehogs have managed to actually kill several of the otherwise completely innocent victims in their fights.
Whatever the previous method of un-brainwashing the Jerkops that Sonichu and company manage not to outright murder, it becomes a moot point in Sonichu #10, when Ultra Sonichu uses his nigh-omnipotence to supposedly cure all Jerkops everywhere forever.
Appearances in comic
- Sonichu 0 Sub-Episode 1:Christian Chandler in "Jerkop-Tastrophe"
- Sonichu 4 Sub Episode 6: "Christian Chandler's Backyard Safari"
- Sonichu 4 Sub-Episode 7: "Off-Target"
- Sonichu 4 Sub-Episode 8: "Off-Target part 2"
- Sonichu 5 Episode 13: "Smashed Hearts & Entrapment"
- Sonichu 6 Episode 14: "Evil is Afoot!"
- Sonichu 7 Episode 16: "Time Hogs"
- Sonichu 9 Episode 20: "CWC-Defense"
- Sonichu 10 Episode 21: Christian Chandler in "Director Amenities"
- Sonichu 12 Episode 26: "Prideful"
Notable Jerkops
- Jerkhief
- Bagget
- Punislav
- Cole Smithey
- Robert Franklin Chandler Sr.
References
- ↑ [1]
- ↑ https://web.archive.org/web/20111128031730/https://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Private_villa_of_corrupted_citizens#The_Construction_of_the_PVCCitizens_Building
- ↑ September 2013 Facebook Posts#No police allowed
- ↑ May 2024 social media posts#Stalker gets caught on security camera
- ↑ [2]
See also
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