|“||I want a girlfriend for Christmas, now and forevermore.
I want a girlfriend for Christmas, so I won’t be lonely anymore.
|Chris, 2004 ("I Want a Girlfriend for Christmas")|
- 1 Christmas in the Chandler family
- 2 Santa Clause
- 3 Presents Chris gives, wishes for, and receives
- 4 Christmas-related songs and merch
- 5 Other confessions
- 6 Notable Christmases in Chris's life
- 7 References
- 8 See also
Christmas in the Chandler family
|“||We celebrate like normal; a decorated tree, get-together, remembering Jesus and all.||”|
|ChrisChanSonichu, Mailbag #2.|
Despite Chris's insistence that Christmas is a time for family, his atheist half-brother Cole Smithey does not take part in the traditional Chandler family celebrations, instead staying with his wife's family in California.
|“||[2008-12-15 07::03:20] EXKeine: Christmas is coming up, so... do you believe in Santa Claus?
[2008-12-15 07::03:40] ChrisChanSonichu: yep.
|Chris on Santa Clause [sic], IRC (15 December 2008).|
|“||It’s been over a week since my SUSPENSION; I am DEPRESSED, LONELY, SAD and BORED! I have nowhere to go to attract a Boyfriend-Free woman. I’ll be writing to Santa Clause [sic] this year, hoping that will bring me one. (8(||”|
|CWC's Diary for September 26, 2004, Chris acting like the 22-year-old grown-up man he is.|
|“||Or for— since it's Christmas time, let's make like I'm Mister— yo' Misses Claus. I have a...good ole heat, 'cuz I took...a bit o'...Viagra. Bam, ba-bam, bam, ho, ho-OH!||”|
|Chris RPing as The Man, iPods Down and Listen Up.|
|“||I did not say that I was taking Viagra; I was stating that in that role-play, Santa would be taking that.||”|
|Chris, Mailbag #20, on Kris Kringle's erectile dysfunction.|
According to surveys, most of these same children stop believing in Santa around the age of four, often when they find out it was actually their father with a fake beard. However, Chris claims that he still believes in "Santa Clause" [sic], despite being 35. He even put Santa's name on his List Of Males Chris Doesn't Hate, which may imply that he: a) believes "Santa Clause" [sic] is real, b) believes Santa is a manly male man capable of landing himself a girlfriend (see also the Mailbag quote above). Also worth of note is the fact that Chris chose to put Santa's name on the list before God and Jesus...because, come on, these two JERKS never brought him even the tiniest presents!
Of course, all this doesn't necessarily mean that Chris actually does believe in Santa. Chris probably maintains this line because he wants to believe it and maintain memories of the happy Christmases of his childhood. For Chris, who still plays with da Legos, professing a belief in Santa is "cute" and shows that he is "young at heart", one of his favorite traits.
In a 2010 e-mail exchange with a woman, Chris stated that he learned Santa wasn't real around age fifteen or sixteen, but finally "gave up on him" at 24 after he failed to bring him a girlfriend for the third year in a row.
However, in a September 2018 tweet, Chris indicated that he maintained a belief in Santa. Chris was 36 years old when he made the comment.
|Santa Clause has always been real; you just need to always keep an open mind and an open heart. Never close yourself off, because anything is possible.|
Presents Chris gives, wishes for, and receives
|“||My father likes Brach's Maple Nut Goodies, and my mother likes chocolate, so some edible treats of that variety is a good suggestion.||”|
|Mailbag #6, on what he planned to give his parents for Christmas, 2009.|
Chris also got the name of his future wife from singing a 1950's Christmas song over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over, which actually says a lot about him.
Being the totally sensitive and tolerant person he is, Chris in his Sonichu Christmas special (the text and comic versions) mentions the ways CWCville citizens of different faiths (that is, "Jewish folk", Buddhists, possibly black people, and "a few humbuggers") celebrate their own wacky versions of Christmas. In 2019, he referred to the holiday season as ChristmaHannuaKwanzaka.
|“||Cera continues with a question, holding a cookie in a zip-loc bag, "I've invited Kevin too; do you think he'll like this candle-shaped cookie I made for him? He told me he was Jewish, and I thought it would be appropriate." Rosechu replies, "I think he'll love it. You have made it really special with the white frosting for the wax and the yellow for the flame. Uh, what kind of cookie was it again?" "Vanilla", replies Cera, "I felt it best to keep it neutral, in case he was allergic to the peanut butter or chocolate." "Very Smart," says Rosechu with a smile, exchanging a high-five with Cera.||”|
|A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas, Act I|
"Haunaka"/"Chaunaka"/"Konica"/"Chanukkah"/whatever, is a holiday CWCville "Jewish folk" celebrate while most other citizens celebrate Christmas. On December 12, members of the CWCville Jewish diaspora set up "Menorah candles" (the "Haunaka" [sic] Menorah candelabrum has 7 candles in it, while the traditional Menorah used on Hanukkah, called a "Hanukkiah", has 9) instead of Christmas Trees, with dreidels lying under them. Since the candle-related symbolism is very much present in Hanukkah rituals, it's in good taste to give CWCville Jews anything candle-related as a gift. E.g., when Sonichu's daughter Cerah Rosey baked cookies for her friends, she decided to make her Jewish friend Kevin a candle-shaped one. This is another small example of Chris's naivety as a cookie of any shape would have likely been appreciated. That Cerah couldn't choose a more obvious Hanukkah symbol (such as a Menorah or a dreidel) over a generic candle shows that Cerah has extremely poor knowledge of even the most basic of Jewish traditions known in the Gentile world.
In fact, there actually is a tradition of eating fried foods on Hanukkah, and vanilla is one of the allowed ingredients used in making them. Not that Chris knows anything about this, mind you - he just wanted to make sure that the cookie was hypoallergenic.
In IRC (22 December 2008) Chris listed "Haunaka" and "Chaunaka" as two different holidays, probably belonging to different religions. In his Shout out to Fans in Hospital, he does nearly the same thing, saying "happy Hanukkah, Chanukkah, all the other holidays to everybody of other religions".
Jolly Buddah [sic]
|“||Christmas Trees are abound most everywhere: in the homes of the townfolk, in the stores, in the offices, and the biggest one in the center of CWC-Central Park. Some have Menorah Candles, or even a Jolly Buddah [sic].||”|
|A Sonichu Christmas (the comic version)|
|“||All the churches are full with all the believers, be they Christians, Jewish folk, Buddhists, and such.||”|
|A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas (the text version)|
From what we know, Buddhism is one of the religions Chris tolerates, and so he sometimes mentions it as a display of his "religious sensitivity". However, he probably doesn't know jack shit about Buddhism, and assumes that since Buddhists are all "good-hearted believers", they undoubtedly should celebrate Christmas in some way! So, in CWCville, Buddhists celebrate their Buddhist Christmas by going to their Buddhist churches on starting December 12, and having a "Jolly Buddah" instead of a Christmas Tree.
By coincidence, Christmas is actually a popular holiday in some primarily Buddhist countries (such as Japan). However, it's rare for celebrators to give the time special religious significance specific to their religion. Similar to how Halloween is celebrated in America based solely on the customs with practically no emphasis on the religious practices that started the holiday, so too do many Buddhists enjoy Christmas just as an excuse to put up lights, give each other gifts and participate in the same customs other people enjoy.
Chris doesn't say (or care, probably), what Muslims, Orthodox Christians, Hindus, Sikhs, Jains, Baha'is or Atheists do in CWCville on Christmas Day. Probably they're the "few humbuggers" whom Chris derides for not celebrating C-mas/Haunaka/Kawanza/whatever those wacky Buddhists celebrate.
Notable Christmases in Chris's life
1989 or 1992
On Christmas Day, 1992 (other sources claim it happened in 1989), Chris got probably the most dumbfounding present in his whole life, and from GodBear himself, no less. While strolling with his father through the Regency Square Mall, Christopher, as he was called at the time, encountered a band of bears playing some Christmas songs. Chris talked to the conductor, and being half-deaf from the cacophonic music they played, the man operating the bear mistakenly named him "Christian".
From that point on, Chris insisted his name was Christian, not Christopher, and a few months later got his name legally changed to "Christian".
|“||[Chris sighs] Well, at this time of year, all I can say right now is... that I hope Santa will comply with my request and bring me... a pretty girlfriend. And so... happy holidays from... me, Christian Chandler — by the way, you can call my Chris in public—and... thank you.||”|
|Emo Chris, So Need a Cute Girl.|
|“||I want a girlfriend for Christmas, to share my love, oh.
I want a girlfriend for Christmas, to kiss under the mistletoe.
|Chris, the poetic geinus.|
This Christmas, Chris expected to get: a) a girlfriend from "Santa Clause" [sic], and b) an apology from Mary Lee Walsh. Not surprisingly, he didn't get either, and became depressed. He recorded a whiny video about Sarah Hammer and Wes Iseli.
Earlier in December, he dedicated two different songs to the first of these two wishes: I Want a Girlfriend for Christmas (written on December 4) and All I Want For Christmas Is a Pretty Girlfriend (recorded on Christmas 20). The same day as the latter, Chris also recorded another song, the famous So Need a Cute Girl, which was probably dedicated to the same thing.
If "Santa Clause" [sic] really exists, this proves that he's a major JERK, or that he doesn't tie up girls and leave them under trees as gifts for horny manchildren.
|“||Although I really don't mean to be cold but please don't try and advance kissing on me please. The truth is I don't want a boyfriend because I don't desire and idolize boys like other girls. I enjoy being indepentant. So you see what I mean? It's certainly nothing personal towards you. I'm just a girl who doesn't care about loving guys. That doesn't mean I can't be friends with them though.||”|
|Megan on 20 December 2005, trying to be diplomatic with Chris.|
Chris was probably stressed as hell, because just a few days before his gal-pal and attempted sweetheart Megan Schroeder told him she doesn't like him trying to kiss her, and that she doesn't want to have a boyfriend at all. Just to add insult to injury, "Santa Clause" [sic] brought him a shitty pirate ripoff instead of a genuine Lego set that year. No boyfriend-free girl under the tree this year either.
On December 26, Chris bought himself a sex doll called Kimmi, who would become a rival to his long-time artificial heartsweet Officer Nasty, on Adamandeve.com. Probably because "Santa Clause" [sic] didn't bring him one this year, either.
To compliment the sex doll, Chris also bought a "Vintage XXX Cartoons DVD/CD", and received "XXX Pleasure Seekers DVD/CD" and "Playboy Magazine Digital Edition DVD/CD" for free. The fact that Chris specifically sought something as bizarre as vintage porn cartoons to fap his crooked duck to, for some reason, sits fine with all the other weird aspects of his twisted personality.
However, being unsatisfied with fantasizing about naked women drawn in the 1960s, Chris went to Adamandeve.com again soon after New Year's Day, and purchased some more XXX-rated Holiday Gifts for himself. These include: a "2008 Adam & Eve Calendar", a "Romance Roulette Card Game" (which Chris probably plays as solitaire), and, the strangest one of the bunch, a "Carmen Boob Mousepad", whatever that is. He also got some free items as well, namely a "XXX Pleasure Seekers DVD/CD" and, most notably, the infamous "Anal Love Beads", which would become a popular theme for trolling Chris in the ensuing year.
Chris got "a couple of DVDs, Bee Movie on Blu-Ray, assorted chocolates and a calming family moment" (IRC (28 December 2008)); in Chris's words, it was "simple, nothing extravagant". Bob outdid himself with a gift to Barb overshadowing Sonichu in over-the-top symbolism. "He gave her an arranged box of ornaments, with tags attached to them; each one representing her blessings; three angels, me, dad and my half-bro, Cole. Ones for Ruckersville, Red Oak, our cats, and one for her." (Chris, on IRC (27 December 2008)).
Not much is known of how Chris spent Christmas this years. All that we know for sure is that for this Christmas he asked for all websites he sees as defamatory against him, such as the CWCki and ED, to disappear. He bought a ton of games in January 2011, so he probably got PSN vouchers.
Due to Chris' decision to trespass at The Game Place and Barb's decision to assault an officer, Chris's Christmas in 2011 was spent amid court appearances and the fear of potentially going to jail. It was also Chris's first Christmas sans-Bob.
It's not known what Chris did, but he uploaded Bob's jazz marathon a few days beforehand.
|“||I offer for all the complete set of songs and intros from the 1990 WTJU Jazz Marathon that my father hosted and played music of Jugs, Kazzoos and Washboards, Blues and Boogie-Woogie, plus three more hours of good jazz that was recorded with it on the original 6 Hour VHS.||”|
|Facebook, 20 December 2012|
A few days after Chris seemed miserable, saying "I am back to the same old feelings; lonely, depressed, etc. makes me almost wish the world had ended, so I wouldn't have to continue feeling the pain. I desperately require my true (future) Sweetheart-to-be AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN..." Apparently again Santa didn't bring him a pretty girlfriend.
Nothing but a few PS3 games. No Life Upgrade Upgrade, and still no sweetheart from the ground-up.
Chris hoped that Bob would enjoy Christmas in his new life. He also uploaded an enormous wishlist of toys and Transformers junk for fans to buy for him. He uploaded a video of Sorbet playing with a robot on Christmas day.
Chris tweeted "Just a simple Merry Christmas to Every Good Person. May your Wishes Be Answered Fully."
On C-Mas 2018, the Teen Troon Squad was revealed to be behind the Dimensional Merge, and they announced its delay until 2038 in our dimension. Chris still believes in it, and announced that he was "opening presents with Magi-Chan, Cryzel, Sylvana, Mewtwo, Patti and our Raichu, Fate. It was very lovely. 😊 The Dimension Merge is still in progress, within its final steps before the apex. The psychic and soulful links and events I have been having are becoming more frequent, so I do know. And all of the other deities have been working very hard together, with me as part of the group, to make this happen."
- Chris and religion
- "All I Want For Christmas Is a Pretty Girlfriend"
- "I Want a Girlfriend for Christmas"
- Holiday Greetings
- "A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas"
- Sonichu #11
- A Very Asperchu Christmas
|Christian Weston Chandler's Year|