Mumble 4

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The fourth of the Mumble chats involving Chris on 6 February 2009.

Length: 48:34


  • Chris is uploading the second gay video.
  • Chris and Clyde play tic-tac-toe.
  • Chris explains why he didn't go to Miyamoto.
  • Clyde asks why Chris has spent over $1000 on PSN. Chris tries to label $1000 as an obvious exaggeration, a lie that Clyde calls him out on. Chris guesses that he's spent $10000 on games over the past 9 years, but claims to be recovering from his spending problem.
  • Julie says she'd stay with Chris even if he becomes homeless. Chris, on the other hand, seems content to leech off of his family.
  • Clyde asks Chris to name 5 bills associated with the house. Chris's can't.
  • "If anything" says Chris "I'm overqualified [...] for every type of job available."
  • Clyde describes the wild woman he loved, who killed herself.


  • Clyde says Chris doesn't know what love is.
  • Chris gets emotional on the subject that PandaHalo (Sarah) got with Clyde, but less so when Clyde says she might be dead.
  • Chris saw the movie Just Friends. "Romantic comedies build hope for TRUE romances." Memories build toward love. Without such honest feelings, it's as meaningless as sex with a prostitute.


  • Chris denies just wanting sex.
  • In a woman, Chris looks for a caring personality, strong emotions, a strong will, all-around personality. But definitely not black. But he's not racist. "I would care about a black woman as a friend, honestly. But, you know, I would not want it beyond just friendship."


  • Chris does a retarded imitation of a Jamaican racist. He also likens himself to Archie Bunker (from All in the Family), who was intended to be a reprehensible bigot.
  • The Donald Duck impersonation scares the shit out of Clyde.


  • Chris justifies giving advice with the quote: "Those who are unable to, teach."
  • Chris burps.
  • Chris tells Clyde he wants to apologize to Vivian for not being receptive to her advice.
  • The second gay video is up.


  • Clyde tells Chris to get rid of his material possessions for Julie. Chris says it'd take him more than 8 hours.
  • Chris has read R.L. Stine books, "the one with George and... Lenny?", the Bible, The Giver, Pamela Anderson's Star, ???, another one on the tip of his tongue, and he's reading Vivian's book.
  • Clyde gives Chris 3 days to sell or throw away his shit. (The result is Captain's Log, Stardate February 6th, 2009.)


  • The other trolls jizz all over Clyde.


Mumble 4
Stardate 6 February 2009
Featuring Chris, Clyde, BlueSpike, Miscreants


BlueSpike: Alright, so anyway. (?)
Chris: Alright, I redid the video. I did not use the word “gaybian”. I did not use it.
Clyde: [interrupts] Let's watch and find out okay?
Chris: Well, it's gonna be 'bout a half-hour to an hour.
Clyde: Let's play a little game. It's called Tic-tac-toe. You know, with the circles and the X's. Okay?
Chris: Alright.
Clyde: I call the middle square. What square do you call?
Chris: Mmmm. Upper left.
Clyde: Alright, then I call the one right below it.
Chris: I call... middle right.
Clyde: Well, I'm just messing with you. Let's not play this game. Chris, I have to ask you one- one very important question.
Chris: Shoot.
Clyde: Ah man, my memory's going. Why... why do you drop women on the...just you know, on the tip of the hat? I mean, you and whatshername, Sarah... Cassandra Mackenzie. I-I mean God, You said yourself you were like, really close for months and months.
Chris: Yeah.
Clyde: And you drop her on the, just drop it right there and you didn't go to Nintendo. You didn't do anything. Why didn't you do a thing?
Chris: Hmmm...Uh... hmm...Well, because I felt uncertain of a lot of details. Like I wasn't totally sure I was talking to the real Mr. MAIyamoto. And plus I didn't have my family's support. And uh I really did not have the money to make the trip.
Clyde: You just blew your chance, Chris. You know- you know that whatever you say will be taken as crazy talk but you know I'm already working with uh, Reggie right? It's not going to happen for quite a few months in fact. But be prepared, be prepared.
Chris: For what?
Clyde: You know, Rabbichoso. Come on.
Chris: I bet it'll go straight to $9.99 bin.
Clyde: [laughs] Of course, because it's being priced at $9.99. It's not a full-priced game. You know that. You know, it's going to be on like PlayStation Network. Well it's probably not. It's probably just gonna be on Wii Ware. Still good, it'll be just like Cave Story. You ever play Cave Story?
Chris: No.
Clyde: Do you play any good games? I mean, Christ. You spent over $1,000 on the PlayStation Network...why would you spend so much money?
Chris: I play a lot of good games.
Clyde: N-never mind about the good games part, that's irrelevant bullshit. Why would you spend over $1,000 on the PlayStation network?
Chris: How do you know I spent over $1,000 on the PlayStation Network? Because that could be an obvious exaggeration right there.
Clyde: It's not an obvious exaggeration.
Chris: Okay.
Clyde: I have your records detailing your intimate history from March '07 to January '09 of every single purchase you ever made. I calculated it. It's over $1,000.
Chris: You don't have-You don't even have to track the history you could just go to my download list and then figure out which ones are demos-
Clyde: Exactly, it's been over $1,000 Chris.
Chris: Alright fine, woopty freakin' doo, $1,000. But it's only a little bit at a time over a long period of time.
Clyde: Chris, you don't know anything about saving money. How much have you spent on games?
Chris: Hmm... well I spend a lot.
Clyde: How much do you think you spent over the last nine years?
Chris: Nine... well, yup. Mmmm...I'd say estimate, uh, taking a rough guess here. Fine, $10,000. I'm just taking a guess.
Clyde: Ugh, Christ, man. If you can't afford the money then you can't afford to save anything for your future; for your future children; for your future wife. You don't think about the future do you? You just think about now; you just think about what you want now; what you want-
Chris: Fine well I'm not- well, I'll admit I'm not- I wasn't very good at money, I was compulsive on spending.
Clyde: You still are.
Chris: I'm recovering. Hey at least I'm not that far gone to admit it that I have a problem with spending and I admit the problem, that's the first step to recovery.
Clyde: That's far from the first step, you have to do something.
Chris: I am, I'm taking initiative to save.
Clyde: And how much have you saved?
Chris: Ugh, well I have bills to- I have credit card bills to pay!
Clyde: For the past five years, I've been working on a little egg to save money. I spent- I've dipped into it a bit. This is- ain't, from my parents inheritance, this is all of on my own. I got 15,000 saved Chris, for the past five years Chris.
Chris: Well good for you, I praise you for that.
Clyde: I'm saying you can't even save $100. What makes you think you can support a family?
Chris: [sigh]
Clyde: Julie, why would you want to be with this man? He can't support a family, he can't support you!
Julie: Because I love him.
Chris: Not right away- but, but give me time.
Julie: Because I truly love him.
Chris: Yeah. The power of love and God- and God- and power of prayer and God's help and enough time, it can work.
Clyde: And what will you do if you're homeless? What will you do?
Chris: Hmm, homeless. That diff- that's a tough one. Well, there's a thing called family. I have good people in my family.
Clyde: Julie, are you going to take this? You're going to accept living without a home? Really?
Julie: If it's with Chris, yes.
Clyde: Oh my god, you two are going to die faster than I can say autistic. Christ! You- I can't believe it. You would accept being homeless.
Julie: Yes, I would.
Clyde: Enjoy your death, enjoy your death.
Chris: Hey, you don't know what-
Julie: Chris will never be homeless.
Chris: Yeah and besides- besides Clyde, you don't know- you don't know what kind of lifestyle Julie had to gre-grew up with. I mean she came from a poor country.
Clyde: [Interrupts] And this is what you're going to treat her to, is the same-the same old life she had before. That's very gentlemen-like Chris.
Chris: Now I'm gonna tr- I'm gonna do my best to try to give her a mor- a much more comfortable life, I'll do my best.
Clyde: Chris, when your parents die, what's gonna happen to your house, what's going to happen?
Chris: You're asking me when my parents die, what's going to happen to my house?
Clyde: Yes.
Chris: Well, I assume the house is still gonna be on the land it was built upon.
Clyde: Oh, so it's not yours anymore, interesting. Interesting.
Chris: Well actually they're leaving it to me. So there.
Clyde: So you've got a house, that's decent. Tell me, name five bills associated with, you know, maintaining the house. Can you even name five?
Chris: Five bills associated with maintaining the house. Alright, there's the electricity, the water...abuhbuhbuhbuhbuh [muttering]... food, clothing-
Clyde: Food and clothing are not part of the house. That's part of the, you know, daily life. I'm talking about the actual house.
Chris: [sigh] Okay, there's, uh, hardware like-
Clyde: What hardware? For what?
Chris: Like for roofing. For one thing.
Clyde: Do your parents even own the house?
Chris: Yes, they own the house.
Clyde: Do they have a mortgage on it? What, anything?
Chris: They do not have a mortgage on it.
Clyde: Oh, so-so they own the house. Legally. Interesting. Well, you got one thing going for you, you at least have a house. But I don't know, man if you can actually survive in it.
Chris: Tsk-tsk. You are so quick to under- to undermine a person. And underestimate them.
Clyde: I'm not being quick to undermine a person. I'm thinking of what a family man should do, okay?
Chris: [Sudden awful Family Guy impersonation] Hey listen, Peter Griffin, he's a family guy and he's retarded and yet look at his life! [Voice deepens into what is probably a horrible Homer Simpson impersonation] Homer Simpson D'oh!
Clyde: [Disbelieving] That's a cartoon. That's not real life. Not-not even the closest.
Chris: Yeah but it's based on the real life associated with the people who created them.
Clyde: No it's not! You think Matt Groening's life is like Homer's life? Of course not!
Chris: [More awful Homer Simpson impersonation] Well I don't know if it's close my life, but I feel like it's close enough to be with my own life! And nobody better lay a finger on my son's Butterfinger! D'oh!
Clyde: What?! [softly] Oh-Chri- So are you saying that The Simpsons is exactly like real life?
Chris: I'm not saying that necessarily, but if they can survive it in their own way, then I feel I can survive it in my own way- at my own pace. And that uh- with the power of prayer, and God by my side, and my sw- and my sweetheart, things will work out.
Clyde: Let me tell you something. Things don't magically “work out.” Things don't work that way. The real world does not work that way.
Chris: I'm going to do the heavy work, and all the work associated with all that.
Clyde: Now now, I know you said you're going to be a house husband? Right?
Chris: That or I can go out and get a job.
Clyde: And what kind of job can you get? What do you qualify for?
Chris: If anything I'm overqualified!
Clyde: For what?!
Chris: Every- every type of job available!
Clyde: You think you can be the CEO of a company?
Chris: Hey, put me behind a desk and tell me what to do and I'll do it!
Clyde: The thing is a CEO tells people what to do. If you need something be told then you are not qualified to do that job.
Chris: I don't have to be- hey. I just need- hey if I am the one that needs to be telling everybody what to do then I have to find out what the company is about, and all things associated with the company, or whatever I'm the CEO of, and then I will give real thought, sound decisions and direction.
Clyde: What kind of job can you get within your degrees? What will your degrees get you?
Chris: If anything, like a job my father had working at General Electric. Like for example he designed the controls for the plastic molding machines, so, without him, you would not have the plastic for your keyboard.
Clyde: Okay, so you think you can design some... something I don't know whatever you just said.
Chris: Hey without him you would not even have anything as simple as a plastic-
Clyde: [Interrupts] I'm talking about you, I'm not talking about your dad. I'm talking about you.
Chris: I'm sorry, what?
Clyde: I'm talking about you. What can you do?
Chris: I can do anything I am capable of, if I set my mind to
Clyde: [Exasperated] I am asking you what you are capable of!
Chris: I'm capable of a lot of things!
Clyde: I'm telling you to be specific!
Chris: I'm creative.
Clyde: God. You said you had that CADD degree, and you- and I asked you to send that, I want to see what you-
Chris: It takes- It takes creativity to create such things like I did in the CADD classes.
Clyde: Your CADD degree, right? You had that mall? I want to see this mall, I want to see if you're actually qualified. I want to see if you're actually qualified to get a job.
Chris: You want to see it, huh? Alright, give me a moment, I'll write the email for ya.
Clyde: You know my email. Gregg Mays with the G's.
Chris: Yeah I'm gonna send it to you from my Gmail address because it's a big file.
Clyde: Alright. If it's a big file it's probably better, isn't it?
Chris: Well that depends on your perception.
Clyde: [Laughs] Never mind. I'd love to see this though. Looking forwards to it.
[Intermittent background noise]
Chris: On its way. Right now.
Clyde: Good. I'm looking forwards to seeing it. I wanna see.
Julie: Hey Chris.
Clyde: Julie, you wanna see something?
Julie: No, not really.
Clyde: This is the man that's also gonna be your future husband. I'm just saying. You always have a chance to back out now.
Julie: I would never. I would never.
Clyde: Come on Julie, you don't want to do this. You don't want to do this. I beg of you. You don't want to be with this man. You don't.
Chris: Julie, I care about you. I care about you very much.
Julie: Chris is right. I do want to be with him.
Clyde: You can give as much love. You can say all those empty “I love yous” over and over. Let me tell you something.
Chris: When it comes from the heart, they are not empty. And every time I say I love you I have my heart behind me.
Clyde: [Laughs] Every time you say “I love you”! You say “I love you” to every woman that walks down the street! [mockingly] You said that to Megan, you said that to Sarah, you say that to all those people!
Chris: I- we- Because I was very close to each of those women! And I always meant it from my heart!
Clyde: Whoa, you're going out with multiple women at once? That's a little- ehh, you know, you're treading some dangerous ground there.
Chris: Hey, I can't help it if they all moved on with their lives. They didn't- couldn't stick around. That doesn't mean I'm not- I'm gonna hold it against them. I still care about them individually. I mean that, from my heart. Just like I care about Julie right now. Very much.
Clyde: You don't know what love is, do you Chris?
Chris: I know that love takes a lot of hard work and deep emotions. Obviously a lot more than you are capable of feeling, Clyde.
Clyde: Let me tell you about the girl I loved.
Chris: Alright.
Clyde: She was a wild one. She did shit that most women never do. She was a wild one. Did sports, dropped out of school, did drugs. She killed herself. Still don't get over that.
Chris: I'm sorry to hear that.
Clyde: Let me tell you something. Tell you something. You still don't know what love is. You move on from woman to woman. If one is out of your reach, you just move on to the next one. You ditched the prospect of Sarah Hammer just for Megan and [Microphone cuts out].
Chris: I- did not ditch her. I mean I tell ya. I was so hurting in my heart and my soul that I had to lose her to you. Really hurt me. It wasn't an immediate decision for me to move on. I had to make myself emotionally stable. [Starts stammering] And build up the- and build up so much in my head sorting all the details out at my own pace. It was hard. Very hard. [Sigh] But then I have- but then I have to realize I have like- I mean besides I haven't heard from Sarah in a long time. I could- I didn't even know what- I couldn't- I guess I just never really knew from her point of view. I mean I had to hear it from- I have to hear it from her own mouth that she is going to be with you. But I never heard so [voice cracks] heartbreak.
Clyde: Alright I'll tell you the truth. Ever since the move, I haven't heard from her either. I fear she might be dead.
[Long pause]
Chris: I see.
Clyde: I don't know where she is or what she's doing. She hasn't responded to me either. I had some nice pictures, I announced the wedding, but, ahh it's... I dunno. It's all gone. At least for now. She's supposedly in America right now, you know that, right? Could she be searching for you? [Laughs] I doubt it.
Chris: Well I don't know. Can't say for sure, because yes, I have not heard from her.
Clyde: Looks like she's probably moved on from both of us. I don't know what's going to happen to my child. [sighs] [inaudible] Now, I just want to ask you a few questions about- about your past life. You know there's this, You know there's this person called Wes Iseli? You seen- you know he's on youtube? He's married now, you know that?
Chris: Uh, I'm sorry. Could you repeat his name please?
Clyde: Wes Iseli, you know, the magician?
Chris: Oh. Wes EYES-LEE.
Clyde: I don't know how to pronounce it.
Chris: Yeah well, okay- yeah, okay, so he's married. Is that what you just said?
Clyde: Yeah, he's married now. Not to whatever-her-face was but, he's married, he's still successful and he's doing charity work. He's a very impressive man.
Chris: Well, good for him.
Clyde: How could you hate a man like that?
Chris: [Sigh] I was jealous. Jealousy got the best of me then.
Clyde: But what made you think that Sarah wanted you in any way?
Chris: She and I were childhood friends.
Clyde: Is that it?
Chris: We were very close. She was my- we were literally next door neighbors.
Clyde: Then welcome to the friendzone! Where you'll be friends forever and never be anything beyond that.
Chris: Hey, I saw the movie Just Friends.
Clyde: You know romantic comedies are just... bullshit.
Chris: Romantic comedies build hope for true romances. And they build up for stronger romances. Though, I think I have a good general understanding of how to keep a romance true and strong.
Clyde: No you don't. All you know is what's on TV and what's on movies and whatever. And they're lies, Chris, those are lies. And they've influenced you to a point where you just believe romance is saying "I love you" over and over and over. Like you're fated to be with a lover or something.
Chris: I- it- it- it's a lot more than just saying I love you over and over again. It's a lot more than that. It's about building so many memories with the woma- with the person the- uh- person of the opposite gender that you truly love and care about. Growing fond memories, being close together. So many priceless- priceless. So close.
Clyde: Memories. That- that's not what love is about.
Chris: And those- Those memories build towards the true love. And honest- in the honest emotions that have to occur during that relationship. Because without the emo- because without the true love and honest emotions, it's just about as meaningless as sex with a prostitute.
Clyde: Why don't you do that? I mean, come on man.
Chris: Because I desire meaning. I take it to heart.
Clyde: Look, I mean, all you want is sex. It's pointless to argue.
Chris: You're wrong! You are absolutely wrong! I don't just want sex! I want the true honest relationship that goes along with that. If I just wanted sex I would have hired a prostitute and gotten an STD years ago.
Clyde: So you have an STD. Interesting.
Chris: No. I said I would have hired a prostitute and got an STD. I do not have an STD.
Clyde: And it looks like you'll never get one for your entire life. I mean, what do you look for in a woman.
Chris: I look for ten- I look for caring personality, and strong emotions, strong willed. All around personality. Woman who will be good to me. And is not afraid to uh- to uh things to uh, to keep the relationship strong and alive, But also- Hmmm. Somebody also this woman who will just love me for me. And I will love her mutually. Her for her. And for who she is, and she love me for who I am.
Clyde: Oh come on! I saw that, whatever you, that one myspace thing, you say you're looking for, blonde woman, not black, not a policewoman, not autistic, you know, under some weight. Come on man!
Chris: So I was a bit more picky back then! And plus I wasn't, plus I wasn't sure if all the total details. I mean- I mean I've learned! That it gets more beyond the physical attributes. But still, call me old-fashioned but, I'd rather be- I would not- I'd uh- I'd definitely wouldn't uh... NOT BLACK. Not black. Uh, I mean every other- all the other races would just like a majority... out of the whole bunch of races- I'm not being racist here, Julie.
Clyde: [In disbelieving shock] How is that not racist?! Come on! You blatantly said "not black!" Not black, come on.
Chris: I mean, I am willing to have- I mean I would care- I would care about a black woman as a friend. Honestly. But you know, not b- I would not want beyond just friendship.
Clyde: You still have a lot to learn. That's about looks. Not about personality. You're still being racist.
Chris: [Sudden amazingly racist imitation of a Jamaican person] Hey don't you play for me no fool man.
Clyde: What... What was that?
Chris: You figure it out.
Clyde: I didn't- I have no comment on- what was that?!
Chris: [more racist imitation] Oh that is the imitation of a black person or somebody from Jamaica!
Clyde: You- you do know those are different- oh Christ almighty! So you are racist, my god.
Chris: [More ear rape] Hey well if it fits Archie Bunker's shoes then let it be! But I am not totally racist man. [Normal voice] I am not racist.
Clyde: [Laughing] Then what was that?! What was that?
Chris: You just- I uh- you just threw a label at me so I just imitated someone who actually was.
Clyde: Oh my Christ. Christ almighty. I don't know what to say to that. You know what you should do
Chris: [Still more ear rape] Respect mah authoriTAH!
Clyde: Why don't you do a Donald Duck impersonation?
Chris: [Still more ear rape] (Inaudible Donald Duck impression) ... after I do a Donald Duck imitation.
Clyde: Why do you enjoy scaring me like this?
Chris: Well... mmm... I did not mean to scare you. I was just being entertaining.
Clyde: That was frightening.
Chris: I was trying to lighten up the conversation. hey, if uh, if an imitation is imitatable [sic], then it's- it's okay then. Oh wait wait. Okay, imiatable to a certain point.
Clyde: I...oh my God, I'm shaking. What was that voice? Th- that was hell...
Chris: You asked me to do Donald Duck. [In Donald Duck voice] That was Donald Duck.
Clyde: I know that's Donald Duck but my God, you put an end to that madness before it blows up on my childhood and my mind.
Chris: Mm...I see. Well I feel for you there.
Clyde: I gotta ask you something. I mean, for someone was has never gotten laid or have an actual girlfriend, you still seem to give advice.
Chris: It's just- it's like, uh- the stereotype of how anybody would describe any teacher. Those who are unable to, teach.
[Incoherent interrupting]
Clyde: You don't become a math teacher not knowing how to do math. What makes you want to go off about what you should do or what
Chris: [Burps] 'xcuse me. Mm. I figured good sound advice from personal experiences on when I try- when I tried to find myself- a woman to make a sweetheart from the ground up.
Clyde: A-and what do you mean by that? From the ground up? Are- what does that mean?
Chris: Starting with friendship.
Clyde: It sounds like you want to ground up a woman; it sounds like a serial killer to me.
Chris: Well, m-maybe it was a bad choice of words I was going with for a long time. But I meant starting from friendship.
Clyde: You know, you've been doing a lot of stupid things, and no one has corrected you. What kind of friends do you have?
Chris: I have friends who care about me.
Clyde: They didn't care about you enough to help you. Christ, I'm probably the closest friend you've got! I'm trying to help you!
Chris: Mm. [pause] I hear you there. You said you were, uh, Vivian Gee's cousin?
Clyde: Yeah. [pause] I've been working with her on Rabbichoso, I mean, I've never been close to her, not much. She introduced Ryan to Sonichu. I still hold a bit of a grudge against her. But we're working on Rabbichoso together and I guess it's [unclear]
Chris: Sigh. [pause] Anyway, tell Vivian I'm sorry, I, uh, pushed her away, and her, and her sharing her advice with me. I was- I was not very receptive. I'm sorry.
Clyde: That's- that's probably one of the most honest things I've heard you say so far. I'm surprised. [pause] But that doesn't make up for everything you've done. You've gotta take some action, man. If you don't take action, then your words are meaningless.
Chris: Well, I did take action. By the way, uh, video should be processed by now.
Clyde: Alright, let me take a look at it...
Chris: Yeah. It live.
(Clyde watches "Chris Comes Out of the Closet")
Clyde: [Sigh] Alright, I won't cut off an arm or anything. Maybe a few fingers, but that's about it.
Chris: No. You leave Julie alone.
Clyde: [Says something but Chris's video is still playing over the top of him]
Chris: Look, I did-
Clyde: It looks like the same video to me, what the hell!
Chris: [Pause] Well, at least I did not say "gaybian".
Clyde: [Pause] My god, you must be a really angry man. You just just... God, what IS in your room? Christ Almighty. You have so much stuff in your room, why don't you sell that? [Chris's video plays over the top of him, Clyde is hard to hear] There is no reason a man should have so many My Little Ponies and action figures and video games.
Chris: Well. I have no response.
Clyde: Julie, you there? Wouldn't you like to see what Chris has in his room there, all his "mature" stuff? Like My Little Ponies? [laughs]
Chris: Look, anyway- Look anyway, I did the uh, video, I said... I said "gayyyy". Will you leave her alone?
Clyde: To be honest, I don't feel like leaving her alone. I just came all this way... Not to see the action coming, I mean, it's a waste of money if I don't do anything.
Chris: Look... I called- Look. I listen- I... I've been very patient with you. I gave you honest... answers. I gave you some opening... I listened to you openly. I did what you asked me to do. So, please... Oh yeah, and I apologized. For clo- For shutting you and Vivian out before. So, please, leave Julie alone.
Clyde: You know what? No one's gonna believe those videos, everyone's gonna think you're straight, you've been doing that for way too long. Alright, one more request, and I'll think you'll enjoy doing this one... I want you to destroy every possession that you'd love to give up for Julie. That will show your dedication for Julie.
Chris: [Sigh]
Clyde: Material goods is nothing you need to hold on to in this mortal world. And you have TONS of stuff. "It is only when you lose everything, is when you're free to do anything."
[Long pause]
Chris: I will give that consideration.
Clyde: If you have that up in the next eight hours, I'll leave. I'll leave for good. Everything that you would give up, and it better be a lot of stuff, because you have so much goddamn stuff. Go ahead, sell it all, make tons of money. And then you'll be able to support Julie. And that is enough for me.
Chris: Well... In order for me to sort through all that it's gonna take a lot more than eight hours.
Clyde: My God, you really do have a lot of things, don't you? I mean, how much of that stuff do you actually use?
Chris: [Pause] The vast majority of it.
Clyde: You really use all that... My Little Ponies all the time, the... cards, and the... I don't know what else. You gotta show Julie you goddamn care about her.
Chris: It's-
Clyde: Sell you shit or destroy your shit, just... do something, make your room look presentable, I mean, Christ Almighty. You still look like a child!
Chris: I'm young at heart.
Clyde: Everybody has to grow up. Have you ever read Catcher in the Rye?
Chris: No.
Clyde: Well, no, why'd I ask, you haven't read any book, have you?
Chris: I've read- I've read a whole buncha R.L. Stine books. I've read... ah shoot, that one with George and... what's his n- Lenny? Uh... Of Mice and Men.
Clyde: You haven't read a serious piece of literature. Have you even read the Bible?
Chris: I have read the Bible. And I have read-
Clyde: I guess you haven't read one book that's of any merit.
Chris: I have READ Of Mice and Men. I have read-
Clyde: I said "of merit". Of merit.
Chris: I have read The Giver.
Clyde: That's ONE book, name at least seven more. No. You can't.
Chris: Yes I can.
Clyde: Alright, go.
Chris: Alright... [takes deep breath] I have read The Giver. I have read Of Mice and Men. I have read... R.L. Stine's Goosebumps, and Fear Street-
Clyde: I said have you read a serious book, that is NOT a serious piece of literature.
Chris: Well, among the genre, I just threw in two more as individual... books, so, so far, I gave you four.
Clyde: ...Alright, that's four.
Chris: Alright... Britney Spears- No, no, I'm sorry. Pamela Anderson's Star. That's five. I'd include that. [Names another book, sounds like "Bobbitt's Town", I don't know] And um, I know I got another one on the tip of my tongue... Give me a moment... [Breathes deeply] And I'm reading Vivian's book.
Clyde: Alright... I'll let that go, because I've read that book too, and I think it's a fantastic piece of literature.
Chris: The majority of-
Clyde: Alright, here's the deal. Because you have so much stuff, I hope to see tons of that in garbage bags, for sale, at a garage sale. I want to see you at least make a thousand dollars, with all that stuff you can sell. Or, destroy all the stuff, either you destroy it, or make a thousand dollars, that's what I want to see.
Chris: Gonna take a lot of time...
Clyde: I'm giving you three days.
Chris: Hm.
Clyde: You can either destroy all your stuff to prove yourself to Julie, or you can make money. And I suggest you pick wisely. [Pause] I'd like to see fire. Fire, fire!
[After a long pause, Chris suddenly yells]
Chris: They did that bit in Saw III! Where the guy had to choose between his- between all those toys from his child, or that guy he had... he had that angst against.
Clyde: ...I don't know what you're talking about.
Clyde: What is that?
Chris: The movie.
Clyde: I don't care about some goddamn movie, okay? I'm asking you... to give up material possessions. Okay, let's see what I have... I got a computer, I got a TV, what else do I got... I've got a printer. Uh, I've got speakers... Man, I've got... a drawing. What else... I really don't got much, to be honest- I got clothes, but everyone needs clothes. You own TOO MUCH shit, Chris. WAY too much. You need to give up some of that, MOST of it, in fact... Give up everything that ISN'T necessary for your survival. And prove to Julie that you are a man... You are a real man, because men don't play with fucking action figures, and... God, I don't know what else you do. Play... card games... It's a children's card game. For children. It's not for 26 year-olds. It's not for 21 year-olds. It's not even for 18 year-olds. I mean, wouldn't you like a nice, empty room, where you and Julie can spend a lot of time together, just thinking? Thinking about the future, thinking about life... I would love a girl who would, you know, just to chat about... whatever goes in the world, and... ride a motorcycle with me. Travel... I would love that.
Chris: Alright, well listen... I'll go through everything I have and I'll think- I will give it great consideration... Hmmm... Just, please, leave Jul- I prom- Look, I promise. I'll go through everything and I'll deci- and I'll decide for myself... And it's gonna take me quite a bit... definitely quite a bit of time... I'll make out a list... I'll do- I'll list a bunch of it on eBay or... some- yeah, yeah I'll list some of it on eBay. Just, uh, please. Promise me you'll leave Julie alone.
Clyde: Alright, I just hope to see a video of you just... tossing most of that stuff away, into a dumpster or something. Because most of that stuff isn't sellable. You don't need it. It's worthless, it's nothing. Mere trinkets, in a land that has so much more to offer.
Chris: Yeah. Alright...
Clyde: I give you three days. I'll see you then.
Chris: I see. [sigh/grunt]
[Chris leaves and the trolls talk amongst themselves]

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