Jack Thaddeus Phone Call 2

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Shortly after the Jack Thaddeus Phone Call was released, a second one was released as well.

Jack uses this call to further berate Chris about his health, money and anything else he felt like, because Chris is too dumb to hang up. Jack also reveals a hypothesis that his mother might have performed surgery on Bob. It is also revealed that he only has roughly $200 in his savings (which is probably your money). This call is also one of the few instances where Snorlax makes an appearance.

Transcript

Chris: Hello?
Jack: [using a mocking falsetto voice] Hi, Chris. It's me, Kim.
Chris: No, it's not.
Jack: Oh, oh, oh, okay I- I guess- I guess you saw through my ruse, Chris, you know. It's me, Jack, your best friend... Aren't we friends Chris?
Chris: Hmm.
Jack: Hmm?
Chris: Whatever, I don't know, but, anyways, what's up?
Jack: What? What do you mean- what do you mean, "Whatever"? What do you mean, "Whatever"? [Chris tries to interrupt] God dammit, man! Anyways, I got shit on Clyde. You- you wanna know... you wanna know it?
Chris: Okay, what do you have on Clyde?
Jack: Well, first of all, he wears glasses.
Chris: Okay, he wears glasses.
Jack: Yeah.
Chris: Go on.
Jack: Second of all, he likes Pokémon... for some reason. His favorite Pokémon (pronounced Pokey man) is Bidoof.
Chris: Okay... Bidoof. Okay.
Jack: Bidoof!
Chris: Yes, I know what a Bidoof is.
Jack: Yeah-eh, I'm sure you are... a Bidoof.
Chris: Okay well-
Jack: He also likes Sonic...
Chris: Okay.
Jack: And, uh... let me see what else does he... hmm. Well, Chris, that's- I guess that's all that I'm gonna tell you for now, but how was your day? I saw you made a video.
Chris: What?
Jack: I saw you made a video.
Chris: Yeah, okay... Yeah, a holiday greeting video.
Jack: Uh-huh, have- I have a question Chris: have you ever heard of St. Mary's Hospital?
Chris: St. Mary's Hospital, I have heard that name before-
Jack: In Richmond, Virginia.
Chris: Okay, so that's where- so that's where it's located.
Jack: Yes.
Chris: Alright.
Jack: From 1989 to 1999, I lived in Richmond.
Chris: Okay.
Jack: You also lived in Richmond.
Chris: Yeah, but I not live that- that long a time. I lived there shorter- shorter length than you... Obviously, because I lived there from '92 to 2000. Which- uh- which is like, that's like 8-
Jack: That doesn't matter. I was still in the same fucking city as you at the same time. And something else: my mother worked in the cathlab at St. Mary's.
Chris: Okay.
Jack: Now, I hear that Bob had bypass surgery. Is this true?
Chris: Yes, he did.
Jack: When was this?
Chris: This was quite a few years ago, during that- during that decade.
Jack: Interesting, did- did he get it done at St. Mary's?
Chris: Hmm, I'm not sure it was St.- I'm not sure it was- I'm not sure if it was St. Mary's. Uhh, it was the hospital closest to, uhh, Cloverleaf Shopping Center.
Jack: Uhh...
Chris: That's- uh- that's a good way of describing its location, anyway.
Jack: Well... o- okay I was- anyways, yeah, my mother might have operated on your father... isn't that creepy?
Chris: Okay... [Chris speaks away from the phone] Yes, mom? Mom [indistinct]
Jack: Uh-oh, UH-OH, uh-oh, oh. Snorlax.
Chris: 'Sup Mom?
Jack: [mockingly impersonating Chris] Hi, Mommy, hmm. I just wanna cuddle up into your fat rolls, hmm. Yeah, hmm, yeah. [mockingly hums like Chris while indistinct conversation happens in background, then snickers to himself]
Chris: Okay, okay, sorry about that, my mom was checking in.
Jack: [still impersonating Chris] It's your mommy, hmm?
Chris: [oblivious to mocking] Yeah, well, she wants me let the cat- let- let the cat in, 'cuz it's going to be very cold tonight... Uh, so, anyway, you're saying your mother might have operated on my father?
Jack: Yes.
Chris: Okay- well, okay, that's good.
Jack: I find that very creepy. I might have even run into you while you lived in Richmond.
Chris: Huh. Well, I wouldn't have known it... or I wouldn't remember it... at this time. So it's a possibility, yes. Hmm.
Jack: That's interesting.
Chris: Quite.
Jack: Have you ever thought about moving out of your house?
Chris: Eventually, maybe.
Jack: Where would you wanna move?
Chris: I'm not sure right now, but I would say that- I would say a nice little house in Charlottesville.
Jack: [laughs] Pfft, you afford a place in Charlottesville? That's funny.
Chris: Hmm. Well- well, anyway, that's a-that's a long ways- that's a lon- bit aways from now, anyway.
Jack: A bit a- bit aways? You're almost thirty-years-old, and... you... [holding back laughter] - that CADD degree sure is coming in handy!
Chris: Oy vey! Whatever.
Jack: "Oy- "Oy vey"?!
Chris: Anyway...
Jack: What are you, suddenly Jewish? How much money have you made in your life, Chris?
Chris: In my lifetime... I can't even count that high.
Jack: You'v-
Chris: I don't even- I don't even know- I'm not gonna-
Jack: That's not- no! That's not- that's not- no, no-no, no. No, money that you get from the government is not money that you make. That is money that is given to you so that you can buy the essentials: food... medicine, and clothing.
Chris: Yeah.
[6:00]
Jack: You use it for... shit you don't need, like your precious pee-ess-triple.
Chris: Hmm. Okay, well... Alright, so- alright, so in the, uhh- ...okay, umm.... Okay, aside from that, is there anything else in your mind?
Jack: Umm... you're gonna piss off a lot of, uhh... oh, yeah. Answer it, Chris. Answer the question: how much have you made? Five dollars, right?
Chris: I made some money, yes.
Jack: And what'd you do with that money? Waste it all.
Chris: No, I saved it.
Jack: You saved-
Chris: It's in a savings account.
Jack: [Jack's mouth erupts with flatulence] You have a savings account? Really? A savings account?
Chris: Yeah.
Jack: How much is in it?
Chris: About two hundred... right now.
Jack: Whoahohaha! That's savings, alright! ...Savings, alright... Two hundred in a savings account...
Chris: Well, whatev- Well, anyway...
Jack: That's funny.
Chris: Is there anything else that you would like to talk about?
Jack: Oh, yeah, you're gonna piss off a lot of people with Ass Burger's if you keep this shit up. I'm just saying, I mean...
Chris: Well, I'm not gonna do- be saying stuff-- I'm not gonna be saying anything new about that, other than what I have made-
Jack: Why? Why can't you accept the fact that it is a condition that is associated with... autistic- au-tism? You- you seem to confuse-
Chris: Because it is not.
Jack: Chris, it is a scientific fact... that it is a fucking- it's on the aut-ism... spectrum.
Chris: I have read that on the Ha-Wikipedia [kind of like "Cool Ha-Whip"] page, yes. I just-
Jack: [here Jack tries to send a subliminal message to Chris using Morse code] No, no-no, no, no-no-no. Don't you fuckin' say that... it's an opinion, because it's not an opinion. It's a fact!
Chris: I hav- I n- I hav- I have not said- I did not
Jack: You- you- you know what? You know, I have a suggestion for you: okay, go to PBS.com, and go to the Arthur thing, and there's a little game... for you to play. It's called "Binky"- "Binky's Fact or Opinion Game", you get- and you have to try and figure out which statement is a fact and which is an opinion.
Chris: [amazed at the complexity of this non-Guitar Hero/non-LittleBigPlanet game] I see...
Jack: You see? You see? Because you seem to not be able to differ-rentriate between the two of them.
Chris: I can diffientriate between fact and fiction.
Jack: No, no, I said, "differentiate between fact and opinion".
Chris: I can diffientriate between fact and opinion, as well.
Jack: Then- okay, then are... are autism and Asperger's similar?
Chris: They are not.
Jack: That is a fucking... what- I told y- It's a fucking fact that they are similar! Okay?! Asperger's [in all of Jack's cases, he pronounces it "Ass Burgers", in such a way that mimics Chris.] is just... a fucki- is- you wish that you had Asperger's, okay? Hell, I have a form of au-tism! I have ADHD.
Chris: Okay- [incoherent babbling]
Jack: Attention-deficit hyperactive disorder. You know what that means? That means that... I am on the autism spectrum. That means that I have- suffer from forms of autism.
Chris: Hmm. ...I see... ...Okay.
Jack: And, unlike you, I don't use it as a fucking crutch! I don't... explain away my behavior based upon my... condition.
Chris: I see.
Jack: I- I can tell that you're not listening at all, and that you're just- you're saying stuff to-
Chris: I am- I am listening to you.
Jack: [laughter] No, you're not, because-
Chris: Yes, I am.
Jack: - I've heard you do this before with talks with Clyde... and with, uhh, ya know... other people... and shit. I've heard this before.
Chris: I listen to you; you said you have ADH- ADHD (attention-deficit hyperactive disorder), and you said that it's a form- it's a type of autism.
Jack: Is that a fact, or opinion?
Chris: Absolutely(?) really(?) been paying attention.
Jack: Is that a fact, or opinion?
Chris: Hmm.
Jack: Is that a fact, or opinion?
Chris: Alright, it is a fact.
Jack: Good job! You get a gold star! Just like back in preschool, isn't it?
Chris: Okay.
Jack: Now what about Asperger's?
Chris: ...What about...?
Jack: Is Asperger's a form of autism?
Chris: [sigh] Okay, Asperger's is a form of autism.
Jack: Ah, shit, son! It took you this long to admit that science is correct. ...Also, I don't think you understand much about Asperger's. You seem to have just skimmed through the article on Wikipedia. Why don't you read it all?
Chris: I did read it all. [incoherent babbling]
Jack: Then di- where does the name "Asperger's syndrome" come from?
Chris: It came from the guy who founded it, Assburger. That's his last name.
Jack: Assburge- Assburger? No, it's Asperger. He's-
Chris: Yeah, Asperger.
Jack: Yeah, anyways... You win.
Chris: Okay.
Jack: You win- you win a gold star, Chris. Why don't you go- go to the- go drive around in the snow, go to the store, get, you know, a sticker-sheet of gold stars, and pin two gold stars on your chest, 'cuz you just won.
Chris: Okay. Well, anyway...
Jack: Yeah.
Chris: I'm... finishing up a- I'm finishing up a page right now, so-
Jack: Yeah, you better finish it up!
Chris: - I'll be uploading that soon.
Jack: Yeah.
Chris: Yeah.
[they simultaneously say, "Yeah, okay."]
Chris: Well, [in a very sweet tone] alright, I'll talk to you later. You take care and be safe.
Jack: I love you.
[awkward silence as a chill runs down Chris's spine from fear of homos]
Chris: Alright, bye-bye.
[Jack giggles like a schoolgirl]


Jack Thaddeus Phone Call Jack Thaddeus's phone calls Jack Thaddeus Phone Call 3


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