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—Chris, respecting his deceased pet.
|Date of Birth||17 March 1988 (as reported by Chris)|
|Date of Death||27 June 2006 (aged 18)|
|Owners|| Bob (deceased)|
Patti Chandler (17 March 1988 - 27 June 2006) was Chris's childhood dog, a beagle-spitz mix who was put down in 2006. As can be seen in Patti's eulogy below, Chris reports that her birthdate was 17 March 1988. It should be noted though that in an email Chris sent to The Wallflower on 28 February 2010, he wrote that he learned what Patti's birthdate was after a veterinarian determined it for him. It is doubtful that a veterinarian can determine the precise date in which a dog was born, making the birth date Chris reports as dubious. If it's even roughly accurate though, Patti lived a very long life for a dog.
As Chris tells in Patti's eulogy, he picked her up as a puppy from a litter at the house of his Aunt Corrina. On September 1992, Chris and Bob moved from Ruckersville to Chesterfield County. This led to him being separated from Patti for 3 years, as Barbara did not accompany her husband and son, but rather stayed in the Chandlers old home along with the pets. Only in early 1996 did Barbara move to Chesterfield along with Patti and the rest of the family's pets.
Much like the Flying Dutchman, who was cursed to roam the seven seas forever, Patti is cursed to wander in CWCville as she is not allowed to rest in peace.
There is not a single known picture of Patti indoors, suggesting that she was just left in her pen in the backyard all the time. According to Chris, her wood-and-plastic doghouse weighed between "5-10 tons". While a normal person might say something like that figuratively to represent the emotional weight it would take to move the home of a deceased pet for the last time, Chris acts as though he honestly believes that's how much it weighs.
When confronted about his insensitivity, or when someone tries to point out that he has never experienced any substantial hardships, Chris is always quick to point out that he experienced the loss of Patti. He even mentions Patti's death over the death of his Aunt Corina (who gave Patti to him in the first place). Chris seems to only mention his aunt as an afterthought when the comparison between someone losing a close family member and Chris losing his dog is scoffed at.
It is entirely possible that Patti was the only life form to ever love Chris out of anything other than obligation. Patti was also probably the only acquaintance with which Chris has ever had very much in common. Not because they shared a mystical bond between man and beast, brought about through the wondrous unexplained mysteries of autism, but because they were both animals driven by brute instinct with no level of higher comprehension whatsoever.
According to a video from January 2010, Patti now feasts on human souls. While this may seem to be at odds with the canon of the Sonichu comics, it makes perfect sense if you consider the distinct possibility that CWCville is Hell.
Eulogy for Patti, as written by Chris
Eulogy written by Christian Weston Chandler, June 27, 2006
My family, furry friends, (anyone else present), we are gathered here today to pay our last respects and wishes to our dearly beloved beagle/spitz, Patti, who has departed from our world here on earth to a doggy heaven where she will be happier, because she will run free and play with all the other dogs who are already having fun up there. And she will often look down upon her beloved family, me, Christian Chandler, my mother, Barbara Chandler, and my father Robert Chandler, and the cats who have grown fond of Patti.
I will always remember Patti for all the lovely memories she has shared with me from:
-When I picked her out of the litter at my Aunt Corina's house in Redoak, Virginia.
-The many walks I have shared with her around this neighborhood, as well as the neighborhood in the Newberry Towne subdivision in Richmond, Virginia.
-The time I watched my old best friend, Sarah Hammer, take Patti by her front paws and danced a bit.
-The times I've watched her stand on her hind legs and then rewarded her with a biscuit bone.
-The time I took my camera to her pen and took this lovely picture of her and me, and I made a big deal how she'll be like a movie dog star.
-The times I've just sat with her in the yard and petted her head. I've always given her a "Bally-Scratch" where I stroke her head with all five fingers like as if I was gently squeezing a rubber ball.
-The many times I've fed her a can of food and a cup full of dry food, and refilled her bucket with fresh water so she can drink it and wash her face.
-There was also the one time I saw her resting on top of her doghouse (not on her back like Snoopy).
-I've often wondered why between both her ears, why one was bent and the other was straight like an arrowhead.
When Patti was brought to the vet on that faithful day, I was distraught with fright and concern for her health. I stayed with her during her final moments with a hand on her head and a tear in my eye. When my mother was brought the paper that gave the doctor permission to send her on her way, I didn't want her to be the one to sign it. I raised Patti since she was a six-week old pup, and I wanted to take the strain for signing the one-way ticket (it was hard for me, but it was for the best). So I signed that paper, with a crying Sonichu face saying, "We love you, Patti." After that, I gave her my final pets, hug, hand-to-paw hold, eye-contact, ear-rub, cheek-to-fur rub, and I sadly waved her for the final time, and I said, "Good Bye, Patti, I Love You." As I stood outside, I heard Patti's last barks saying, "I will always love you, Chris. Thank You."
But we all must move on with our lives with our beloved lucky mutt in our hearts and in our memories. So, Patti, may your old dog house and surrounding flowers forever memorialize your blessed heart, your barks at the stars and strangers, and your loyal love that you have blessed upon me and my family and friends. Bark on, and rest in peace, our beloved lucky Patti.
Take note that Chris actually shoehorned Sonichu in his dog's eulogy.
Not content with an eternity of biscuit bones and "bally-scratches" in doggy heaven, Patti has apparently taken time out of being dead to assure her former master of her peaceful afterlife in a dream. Also, Chris has averred that her vengeful spirit will seek out Alec Benson Leary and his cohorts for allegedly besmirching her memory and proceed to, in no particular order, give them nightmares, consume their souls and kill them. Yet, as always, Chris still thinks of himself as a kindhearted, Christian individual.
Patti's physical remains rest underneath her 10-ton doghouse in the Chandlers' backyard. The notion of exhuming and desecrating her bones has become a popular running joke among trolls, to the point that Chris, in a September 2010 YouTube video, took the time to fiercely deny any rumors that the corpse of his dog was anywhere except where he had buried it.
Ironically, in a video created about a year after that one, Chris pretended (while dressed as a hooker) to dig up Patti and repurpose her as a coat. It seems that not only is Patti an unholy weapon of soul-sucking revenge, but a snuggly, warm coat, too.
The doghouse still stands as of April 2015.
- Father Call
- Wallflower E-mails 2
- Chris's Wikipedia profile#His Early Years - Birth to 1992
- Mailbag 32#Chris is no stranger to stupid name changes
- Chris E-mails 2006#September
|---- Christian Weston Chandler's People ----|
Enemies: Michael Snyder | Adam Stackhouse | Wes Iseli | Mary Lee Walsh | CADD Chef | Bagget | ScotPalazzo | Manajerks | B-Manajerk | Jerkhief | W-M-Manajerk | Kirby McDerbie | "Lady" Manajerk | Yellow-Shirted Foe | Omar Woodley | Lulu.com's executives | Pmurt
Trolls: Liquid Chris | Clyde Cash | Jack Thaddeus | Jason Kendrick Howell | Kathleen | Man in the Pickle Suit | BILLY MAYS | Vivian Gee | Sarah May | Robert Simmons V | Jimmy Hill | Shigeru Miyamoto | Reggie Fils-Aimé | Takashi Tezuka | Jay Z | Surfshack Tito | Jeff/Francine | Arthur Spatchcock | Johan
Other: Abusive babysitter | Hanna | Ryan Cash | Vanessa Hudgens | Bruce Johnson | Virginia Jeanine Sanford | Rocky Shoemaker | Rob Bell | William Elliott Waterman | Mia Hamm | Lori Lopez | Caitlin | Chloe | Officer Nasty | Kimmi | Kenneth Erwin Englehardt | DStecks