All Star

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LukasMedallion.jpeg Troll disclosure: Some events in this article take place from October through December 2018, when the Teen Troon Squad had access to Chris's CWCSonichu Twitter account and posted several tweets without his knowledge or consent. Tweets covered on this page may or may not be written by Chris.

For more information, see 2018 Twitter account compromise.

"Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming."

"All Star" is a 1999 song by Smash Mouth. Widely known as the opening theme of the animated film Shrek, the song has since entered internet meme culture in the last decade thanks to Millennials and Zoomers. During the "Cryzel Torture" chat of 21 April 2018, Chris uploaded two covers of "All Star" to the Idea Guys via Discord. Having gained Chris' consent to use his Discord account to aid in the conflict against the Idea Guys, Kiwi Farms owner Null leaked the SFW version on 13 July.[1] In the SFW version of the video, Chris sings in a similar growling voice to the one that he used to indicate he was singing under duress way back in It's UGH! (2009), albeit with more annoyance in his voice than disgust. This was done at the request of Joshua Wise, who told Chris to sing like he was angry and constipated to save Cryzel Rosechu from further torment.

Later that year on 18 November 2018, a troll impersonating Magi-Chan, presumably one of the Teen Troon Squad, leaked the second, TRUE and HONEST rendition to Chris' Twitter – showcasing another sex tape that starts with Chris pissing on the floor off-camera before he starts using his flaccid duck to begin mass debating while rubbing his taint, all while imagining that he's fucking his first hasubando. The tweet was deleted minutes later, but the video was quickly preserved by Christorians.[2] More parts of video would be leaked by Lukas Simpkins, the ringleader of the Teen Troon Squad onto /cow/ on 31 December 2018.[3]

In the NSFW version, it should also be noted that Chris doesn't actually get a full erection in the full three minutes and change that he spends masturbating, likely indicating that several health factors are getting in the way of getting it up. (It would later be learned that Chris could still get and maintain an erection during a series of horrifying revelations more than three years later.) Chris is also under clear distress while filming the video, unlike his other two sex tapes, which is unsurprising considering that he was coerced into filming this one under threat of harm to Cryzel, rather than tricked into demonstrating his sexual prowess for two potential sweethearts.

Singing All Star (SFW version)

Chris-Chan Sings All Star
Direct link Youtube, archive
Stardate 21 April 2018
Subject Matter MusicMusic Music
Performance Style ComedyComedy Comedy, RageRage Performative Anger
Saga Idea GuyIdea Guy Idea Guys
Other LeakedLeaked Leaked
Chris pleads to stop Cryzel Torture‎
All Star Part (Sex Tape)



[Chris makes a constipated grunt and the camera briefly gains a green tint. He begins reading the lyrics from his phone in a similar constipated low growl, his tone severely fluctuating, and gesticulating wildly.] Some-BODY once told me,

the WORLD is gonna ROLL ME!

I ain't the sharpest [voice drops to guttural croak] torl in the sheeeed!

She was looking [Chris gives up on following the melody] kinda dumb

[Mimes along with the next two lines] With her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an L, on her foreheeead!

[Remembers the melody again] Well... the years start comin'

And they don't starp comin'

Feh to the rules and they hit the ground runnin'

It dudn't make sense not to live for fun

[High growl, slurred] Y'brain gets smart [Low growl] but yer head gets DUMB

So much to do, so much to see,

So what's wrong with takin' the backstre'

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't GLOW

Hey know, you're an all star

Get your game on, go bleh

Hurr nurr, yer a ruckstar

Get the show on, get beh

[Shakes his phone] And all that glitters is gooold

Only shootin' STUURS break the mooold?

It's a col' place, and they say i'gets col'er

Yer bun'led up now until y'ge' ol'er

The me'eor men beg t'differ

Judgin' by the hole in their satellite picture

The ice ge' thay, [gibberish as he loses his place] w'er w'er w'er... [small groan]

[Picks up the tempo] W'er's ge'in warm so ya might as well swim!

My world's on fire, how 'bout yours?

That's the way I like it, I'll never get bore'

Hey now, you're an all star

Getcher game on, go blay

Hey now, you're a rockstar

Get the show on, get beh

[Begins shaking his phone] An' all that gli'ers is gooold!

Only shootin' staaars breeeak the mooold!

[Almost 20 seconds of growling, warbling and Hulk Hogan-like arm shaking]

Hey now, you're an all star

Getcher game on, go blay

Hey now, you're a rockstar

Get yer show on, get bleh

[Poses with arms out and head low] An' ALL that gli'ers is GOOOL'

[Another brief growl solo]

Only shootin' staaaaaaars...

Somebody once-- [Unintelligible]

Spare some change for gas, I need to get away from

Self away from this place


I sai', "Yup... WHA' CONCE'!

I could use lotta fuel myself!

An' we could all use a little [Leaning towards the camera] chaaange!"

[Rising growl]

Well, the years start comin'

And they don't stop comin'

I feh to the rules an' I hit the ground ruh

Di'n' make sense not to live for fun

Yer brain gets smart but yer head gets dumb

So much to do, so much t'see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstre'

Ya never know if you don't go. [Lurches towards the camera] GUH-OOH!

Ya never knuh if ya don't [Lurches again, but less intensely] glow

Hey now, you're an ahrl star

Get the game on, go blay

Hey now, you're a wock star

Get the show on, get pay

An' all that gli'ers is goool'!


Only shootin' stars break the mol'?

An' all that gli'ers is gold

Only shoo'in' stars, break the frickin' moooold!

[Chris groans constipatedly one more time, picks up the camera, spins around and punches it to the ground.]

Singing All Star (Sex Tape version)

For Shrek's Eyes Only
Search for video Youtube, archive
Stardate 21 April 2018
Subject Matter MusicMusic Music SexSex Sex
Performance Style TragedyTragedy Tragedy, CrazyCrazy Crazy
Saga Idea GuyIdea Guy Idea Guys
Other LeakedLeaked Leaked
Singing All Star (SFW version)
I’m Sorry for Ruining so many Fandoms



[Scene opens to an empty shot of Chris' room with Chris himself just offscreen.]
I'm just gonna go ahead and boot it up.
I'm working on it, Magi-Chan!
[More silence]
Do that real quick, get it out of the way.
[A few more seconds of silence until you're greeted with the sound of Chris pissing on the floor]
You do me? I mean..I..You let me do you first, and then I'll let you do me okay Hubby?
[Pissing continues]
Let me get this out of my system.
[Pissing stops]
I got one more thing, [Slap] ow. Oh my...
[A nude Chris then goes onscreen, stands next to a docked iPhone and then applies hand sanitizer]
Yes, picking' that up.
For us Hubby.
[Chris wakes the phone up and All Star begins to play]
[Chris sings in a angry monotone voice]
Some-BODY once told me the world is gonna roll me.
[He kneels onto the bed and the singing becomes more erratic]
I ain't the sharpest tool in the sheeeeeed!
She was lookin' kinda dumb with her [He mimes analingus on an invisible partner] finger and her thumb-
and the shape of an L on her forehead.
[Chris then moves towards the camera and begins to rub his taint while also building a falsetto]
Your brain gets smart and your head gets dumb!
So much to do so much to see-
So what's wrong with taking the backstreets?
You never know if you don't go.
You never stop if you don't know.
[For a few seconds he sounds like one of the Bee Gees and then his voice immediately drops back down]
Hey now! You're an allstar!
[He switches from taint rubbing to mass debating]
Get your game on go play!
Hey now! You're a rockstar!
Get the show on, get paid!
And all that glitters is.. [Sound cuts for a second]
[Chris stops rapping and moves over to a body pillow]
-shootin' stars break the mold!
[Chris begins to fist the pillow as if it were a partner]
Cool place, and they say it gets colder.
Bundle up now but you never get older.
[Mumbles] satellite picture.
Ice we skate [Mumbles] getting warm-
so you might as well swim. [Mumbles]
Yours? That's the way I like it and I never get BORED!
[Chris then gives the pillow doggy style]
Hey now! You're an allstar! Get the show on, get paid!
HEY now! You're an allstar! Get the show on, get paid!
And all that glitters is gold! Only shooting stars break-
the MOLD! [Chris sings to the instrumental part while still humping the pillow]
[He then switches back to mass debating]
Rockstar, get the show on get paid!
And all that glitters is GOOOLD!
Get myself away from this place.
I said yep, what a concept!
[Mumbles] All use a little chaaaange!
[Mumbles] smart but your head gets dumb
So much to do, so much to see
...what's wrong with TAKING the backstreet?!
Uh, no, fairy snow
Never shine if you don't know!

Hey now, you're an all star
Get show on, get paid
Hey now, you're a rock star
Get the show on, get PAID
And all that glitters is GOOOOLLLD
...shooting stars break the MOOOOLD
And all [mumbling] is gooooold
Only shootin' stars break the MOOOOOOOLLLLDDD!!!!!
[music ends and all that's left is the unholy sound of Chris fapping]

See also

External links


  3. Videos were originally leaked on /cow/ (archive) and a Teen Troon Squad member posted at The original thread was taken offline in August 2019 alongside /cow/ and 8chan. The thread and /cow/ later came back online under the domain.
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