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JERKS

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Well, I do not like the majority of the male population regardless. The straight ones take the women away. The damn homo males not only [tried to push their gross ways onto me, but have emotionally and mentally devastated me in their shit Troll/Cyber-Bully ways, and they have mislabeled me and Sonichu as such. Damned males piss me the hell off.
 

 

—Chris, in a Facebook post

Notice how Chris refrained from asking any JERKS, including himself.

JERK is Chris's term for men in general, including those who are not niggos, homos, or jerkops. The canonical definition is "a MAN, other than myself, CWC, and my father, Robert Franklin Chandler, Jr."[1]

For example, Chris labeled every single one of his male MySpace friends as a jerk in his personal list. A few "respectable males" are apparently exempt from jerk status, such as George W. Bush and Barack Obama (and possibly Jack Black).

One reason is the Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor.

In more recent years, he's taken to using the word "male" in the place of jerk to express his disdain for other men. His recent transgender antics also suggests that he has a lot of self hatred about being male.

Use as a denominator

Although he has defined the term "jerk" to mean all men save him and his father, the usage of the term seems to apply to any person who gets in the way of Chris doing something that he wants to do. If Chris wants china and can't get it because the object of his affection has a significant other, that significant other is a jerk. Chris wanted to win the Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown, but Adam Stackhouse got in the way, therefore he is a jerk — allegedly because he broke the rules of the contest and used music, actually because he spoiled Chris's plans for sex with Megan Schroeder. Whether your intention was to obstruct Chris's efforts or not, you are a jerk for presenting a barrier to his goal.

Even being more talented than Chris, or more socially well-adjusted (no great feat, considering Chris) is enough to make one a jerk in Chris's eyes. Men with girlfriends did not specifically intend to cock-block Chris; they only did what well-adjusted people do and asked out a girl they liked. Adam Stackhouse simply made a good video for a competition he wanted to win and had no intention of thwarting an autistic's plans to seduce his best friend (again, the PaRappa Showdown). In Chris's self-centered way of thinking, though, they were all out to get him.

Use as a prefix/suffix

Chris derides certain professions by using "jerk" as a prefix (as with Jerkop) or a suffix (as with Manajerk). The addition of the prefix/suffix comes from their actions which, again, prevented Chris from getting what he wanted. Never mind the fact that managers and police officers are simply doing their job when they stop creepy patrons from soliciting members of the public for sex. They have obstructed his quest for china and so are jerks. Due to repeated encounters with these professions, Chris has taken to describing any member of their ranks as a jerk.

Varying usage

Despite the fact that Chris has openly declared that all men are jerks, in practice he doesn't seem to automatically apply the term to every man he meets. Robert Simmons V was held in some regard before he turned troll against Chris. Joseph Herring was considered a high school friend (although Chris drew him as an ugly, zit-scarred freak in his comic). Chris considered Joshua Martinez a friend (though he still tried to get ED to ruin him) as long as he thought Josh would help him score some china. John Schroeder, Megan's brother, was even the main character in one of Chris's fake video games. Once again, however, that was probably a side-effect of Chris's lust for Megan.

Chris as the embodiment of JERK

Wiktionary defines a jerk as "a person with unlikable or obnoxious qualities and behavior, typically mean, self-centered or disagreeable, and often not very intelligent." Ironically, or perhaps better put, hypocritically, Chris's actions make him more deserving of the term "jerk" than most people he applies it to.

The list of males Chris doesn't hate

The most recent version of T.L.O.M.C.D.H. was provided in Chris's annotations to his ED article. There it goes as follows:

  1. Chris himself
  2. His father
  3. "Santa Clause" [sic]
  4. Jesus
  5. God
  6. The former Presidents of the United States
  7. All the World Leaders
  8. ALL male acquaintances and friends, past and present.

However, in the same annotations, Chris confusingly states that his noviophobia is "Out-Of-Date". He goes on to say that he only hates trolls and "da haytahs" now, but also states that he is cool with the "Hating 99% of the World's Men" theory. In any case, the list is at least applicable to some point in Chris's biography, even if he "got over it".

References

  1. Story of My Current Days
List of males Chris doesn't hate, according to Chris

I. Chris II. Bob Chandler III. Santa Clause IV. Jesus V. God

VI. The President of the United States:
Barack Obama (as of 2009)

VII. All the World Leaders:
Kim Jong UnMahmoud AhmadinejadManuel Noriega

VIII. ALL male acquaintances and friends, past and present:
Cole SmitheyDr. David Alan ChandlerJonathan CareyUncle Raymond
Joshua MartinezJoseph HerringWes IseliLucasMimmsRobert Simmons V (as of 2009)

List of males Chris doesn't hate, corrected for accuracy

I. Chris II. Bob Chandler III. Santa Clause IV. Jesus V. God VI. The Bear

VII. The former Presidents of the United States:
George W. BushBarack Obama

VIII. Select male acquaintances and friends, past and present:
Robert Simmons VKenneth Erwin EnglehardtWilliam Elliott Waterman

IX. Celebrities:
Jack BlackJerry SeinfeldRed SkeltonR.L. StineSeth MacFarlaneVarious comedians

X. Robots:
MegatronOptimus Prime

XI. Hedgehogs:
Sonic the HedgehogBionic the Hedgehog

XII. Electric Hedgehog Pokémon:
Sonichu (Ultra SonichuMetonic)
Wild SonichuPunchy SonichuMagi-ChanBlakeDJ JamstaBlazeBob SonichuMitch SonichuDarkbind Sonichu

XIII. Pornstars:
Bailey Jay

List of males Chris does hate

JERKS

The CWC-tionary

Relationships: Attraction Location | Boyfriend-free girl | Darling | Dating education | Gal-pal | Heart Level | Homos | Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor | Love Quest | Noviophobia | SLGBTQ | Sweetheart | Sweetheart from the Ground-Up

Sex: China | Comeuppance | Duck | Mass debating | Pedofork | Pickle | Raincoat | Recycling | Virgin with rage | Virginia is for Virgins | Women's rights

Himself: Biological clock | Butt garments | Captain's Log | Curse-ye-ha-me-ha | DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS | Fangs | Fuzzy-wuzzies | Honest Content | Mental Block | Monthly tugboat | Muscle bra | Prickly-Wicklies | Random-access humor | Reality Cartoon | Scale of Respect | Tomgirl | Un-clit

Stressors: 4-cent_garbage | HEXBox | JERKS | Jerkops | Kick the Autistic | Laughs Under Lucricities | Manajerks | Naïve | Niggos | Pmurt | Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens | Slow-in-the-minds | Tobacky

Comics: Anchuent Prophecy | Cherokian Clan | Da Update | Electric Hedgehog Pokemon | Nombie-zazis| Parody | Reeb | Sub-Episodes | Sweetbolt


See also: Chris and English