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Weening

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Are you 6-years-old or somethin'?
 

 

Bob Chandler outsmarting a ween attempting to prank call Chris.

Rounding out the unholy trinity of white knights and A-Logs, weens are several times as annoying as the previous two combined. Both a corruption of the phrase "epic win" and a reference to the experimental rock band, weens are wannabe trolls who attempt to recreate the success of prominent trolls, but generally just embarrass themselves due to their lack of originality, humility, and/or wit. In other words, they're the hyperactive preteen cargo-cultists who annoy the shit out of non-weens with their complete lack of talent and insular sense of humor.

Think we're exaggerating? Maybe a video or two will help get the point across.

What Weening Consists Of

THIS IS WHAT WEENS ACTUALLY BELIEVE.
Typical ween art.
  • Elaborate trolling plans.
  • Prank calling Chris. Double dumbass points if it's just to yell "JULAAAY, JULAAAAAAY!" or "IAN BRANDON ANDERSON/SOMETHING!" into the phone.
  • A-Logging. While not all weens are A-Logs and vice versa, the two often overlap. A-Log himself was as much of a ween as your average A-Log in many, many ways.
  • Facebook and Twitter stalking.
  • Spamming Chris's Facebook pages with random pictures of Sonic's redesign in Sonic Boom.
  • Scathing e-mails, letters, or social media messages.
  • Butting into conversations Chris is having with other people online, especially if he isn't doing anything particularly wrong at the moment (which is 99% of the time). This has sadly become way too common with the DoopieDoOver saga.
  • Attempting to contact people who once interacted with Chris but have since cut off all ties with him (Megan, Cole, the Wallflower, Mary Lee Walsh, etc.) and drag them back into the spotlight.
  • Terrible fanfiction that "wittily" deconstructs Sonichu as a saccharine dystopia. Sorry folks, but Asperchu, A Girl Who Brought Down the World, Sonichu: The Animated Series and CWCollateral not only all already did this, but have also milked the concept for everything it's worth; it's time to move on.
  • Terrible fanfiction and fanart that focuses solely on murdering Sonichu characters, as seen in the picture below-right. Double dumbass points if focusing predominantly on the slaughter of Sonees and Roseys.
  • Terrible fanart of Sonichu that attempts to be wittily macabre by making it even more grotesque, gory, or perverse than it already was.
  • Spouting tired old Chris memes in places where Christorians lurk, or even in places where most of the members don't even know about Chris. Either way, it's very annoying.
  • Making frivolous or exaggerated claims of Chris's misconduct in feedback on sites like eBay or YouTube.
  • Spoiling Chris's legitimate attempts at participating in contests or e-commerce.
  • Making terrible rap songs about Chris.
  • Any kind of trolling plan, really. But especially...
  • ...breaking the law in pursuit of lulz, such as vandalizing or trespassing on Chris's property, illegally recording telephone conversations, stalking him, his mother and by extension the rest of his family, or threatening him with violence or even death. We shouldn't have to say it, but for fuck's sake, DON'T DO THIS.

Why you should avoid weening

The Miscreants, grateful to get away from all of the weens leeching off their hard work.

Now, we know what you're thinking. You're not one of those try-hard 13-year old boys who still think that screaming "JULAAAAAY!!!" or "IAN! BRANNON! SOMETHING!!!" at Chris is the height of wit. You've come up with a great plan to really get under Chris's skin, bring back the good old days and all that shit. While you may in fact be that guy, 99.9% of the time, you should just shitcan your trolling plans and move on with your life.

Why, you ask?

There are much better targets than Chris

If you're willing to put that much effort into trolling Chris, why not choose a better victim? As much as the CWCki analyses and discusses in detail his numerous odd behaviors and personality flaws, Chris doesn't even come close to the bottom of the barrel of internet scumbags. Neo-nazis, social justice warriors, abusive lovers and parents, scam artists, hate groups, pedophiles, corrupt politicians and corporations, religious zealots, zoophiles and other animal abusers, hackers, malware writers, gang members, terrorists, and many other assorted shitbirds are much more deserving of concentrated trolling than Chris will ever be.

Even if you don't give a shit who the trollbait is as long as you get Laughs Under Lucricities, the Chris of today just isn't as amenable to trolling as he used to be-- as discussed in further detail below. The amount of effort you would need to put into navigating around his paranoia and autistic sensibilities would be staggering to say the least. And even if you do manage to bypass these obstacles, what is there left to do to him? Anything amusing about him has already been exhausted, except the shit he does on his own initiative, also discussed further below. All that is left of him at this point is a withered husk of a lolcow; as much as you may try to milk it, you'll be hard-pressed not to get only cobwebs and dust in return. With that in mind, you may as well just spend your time on another lolcow who hasn't been inured to years of deceit.

For most aspiring trolls, the only reason to pick Chris over any other Internet jackass is because he's relatively well-known even today, and you have a ready-made audience available to appreciate your efforts. But that's just you being lazy, not some trolling mastermind.

The best trolls are chosen by fate

Most of the greatest trolls didn't even mean to get into professional trolling. BlueSpike never intended to create the Julie character; he just rolled with it when Chris assumed he was a girl because of his voice. Clyde Cash was an emergent meme and later a collective identity that spread from Chris jerking around his fanbase. Liquid Chris started out as just a YouTube nobody who was surprisingly good at Chris impressions, and was eventually noticed by the man himself out of the blue. Jason Kendrick Howell thought that he was making a page on a run-of-the-mill lolcow, and had no idea of the clusterfuck he was about to create. And Ivy merely asked Chris for a video shout-out to impress a friend, and didn't even think twice that Chris would latch onto her as hard as he did.

Ask any of Chris's seasoned trolls, and they'll tell you meticulous trolling plans really don't work with Chris, because it's not always so easy to predict how he'll react to anything. On one hand, he completely shrugged off "Blanca" stealing and destroying the original medallions, even though the trolls behind Blanca had predicted he'd rage like nothing before. Conversely, he has also completely overreacted to what could be considered quite minor triggers in comparison. At most, people who troll Chris successfully just go in with a rough outline and let Chris fill in the details as they go. So quit the elaborate planning, because it doesn't work and only makes you look obsessed; coincidentally, this is exactly what turned the trolls' attention to A-Log himself.

The Chris of today is not (quite) as gullible as he used to be

Granted, almost no one on Earth is as naïve as Chris was in 2007. However, since then Chris has gradually learned that when he's contacted by people claiming to be Shigeru Miyamoto, Batman, Vanessa Hudgens, someone from his past, or even his own relatives, chances are he's just being trolled. In fact, the naivety of the younger Chris has been swapped for a distrust of anyone who tries to contact him, to the extent where he's even turned down legitimate attempts to get in touch by people he actually knew at high school or college. This hasn't been helped by weens--according to senior trolls, Chris was once contacted by 10 people claiming to be Megan at the same time, all of them claiming to be the TRUE and HONEST Megan and telling him not to believe the others.

Needless to say, he no longer responds to any random dork who contacts him, meaning that most trolling plans nowadays will simply fail to get off the ground.

Your idea is probably not original

Whatever it is, it's probably been done before, and most likely better. It's pretty much impossible to top getting Chris to believe that the President of Nintendo was interested in his work, or that there was a DANG, DIRTY IMPOSTER whom everyone else thought was the real Chris and stealing his richly deserved fame. By and large, most modern trolling plans tend to be some minor variation on something that's already been done, like "what if we got his high school ring?" or "what if we got him to see another parody of his comic?" In short, you're wasting your time trying to rehash older trolling events, because we've all seen it before; more importantly, so has Chris, so he probably knows where you're going with it, too.

Weenery discourages Chris from producing content

Chris is at his most productive when he believes he has lots of fans and everyone, barring a few trolls here and there, loves him. Most agree that weenery is detrimental to this strange, symbiotic relationship, and it is considered to be one of the causes of the slump in content between 2011 and 2014. In that time, Chris entered a hiatus as a result of a combination of mourning for his recently deceased father, and a constant stream of weenery over the years that made him think of himself as a victim who wouldn't be able to do anything without being harassed. As a result, he became far more private, meaning barely any content for us. Only four years after 2011 did he re-emerge from this hiatus.

It is also worth mentioning that Chris produces better content when left to his own devices. Since his semi-retreat from the public eye after his father's death, Chris has been prosecuted twice, concocted outlandish conspiracy theories centered on someone he hasn't spoken to for years, accidentally set fire to his house, eventually continued working on the previously-unfinished Sonichu #11 again, and sliced his own taint open with a knife as part of a hairbrained attempt to grow his own china; all of this without any impetus from the trolls. Don't try and rush the master of America's favorite game.

If you fail hard enough, you will become a target for trolls yourself

Anthony "A-Log" LoGatto is the textbook example of trolling backfiring on the troll, and it's important to remember that he would never have attracted the attention of the internet if he had simply toned down the vitriol enough to make it less obvious that he was absolutely obsessed with Chris. It was thereafter a fairly obvious leap in intuition to assume that someone with that level of hysteria and monomania over someone they had never even met would have had some skeletons in their own closet- and as it turns out, A-Log had more than a few. These included homemade yiff fanfiction featuring a tellingly moderately-endowed fox OC, a cache of disturbing cartoon pornography, a laughably-poor college radio show from which he almost got fired after being caught masturbating in the studio, and a video where A-Log does an excruciatingly unfunny stand-up "comedy" bit, revolving almost entirely around attacking Chris and what the radio was playing at the time- before a crowd who, judging by their reaction, had never even heard of Chris.

By the same token, obsessive and excessive weenery is very likely to get you noticed by other trolls, who will in turn start trolling you because of that and anything else they notice about you, hoisting you on your own petard. In other words, it's akin to plugging in a big neon sign pointing the trolls straight to your collection of Goku x Anne Frank slash fiction and Tiger Beat magazines with boy bands mugging on the front.

Even if you do succeed, you may regret it later

Sometimes, trolls that do somehow manage to succeed in extracting lulz from Chris end up getting more than they bargained for. Liquid Chris may have to spend a long time fending off accusations from people outside of the Chris-Chan bubble of tormenting an emotionally vulnerable autistic man for his own amusement. BlueSpike will turn 30 someday, and even then will still be thought of as the crazed, sadistic pervert who willingly listened to a slow-in-the-mind mass debate for hours on end and forced him to shove a broken clay medallion up his ass, all at the age of 13.

To add to the irony, people who didn't intentionally upset Chris are still getting unwanted attention from weens. Do you think Adam Stackhouse enjoys being inundated by various unwanted "you prevented Chris from raping Megan, congrats!" messages in his e-mail inbox? Or that Mary Lee Walsh appreciates seeing herself as a nubile anime blonde who exists solely to torment a virgin with rage every time she or her students uses Google? Or that Michael Snyder would like being constantly reminded by various weens of almost becoming the victim of vehicular homicide in misguided attempts to congratulate him? In all these cases, the answer is a big, fat NO.

Chris is still the undisputed trolling champion

Lest we think the drought in content between 2011 and 2014 was because of a shortage of active trolls, consider that we would have had a windfall in content of unprecedented magnitude had Chris still been making frequent videos. A lot happened in that time, although you wouldn't know it from his near-invisible updates; Chris had another girlfriend whom he eventually discovered was fake, was led to believe his gal-pals never liked him, caused a house fire after brewing coffee in his bathroom at 2 in the morning, launched a dogged, one-man crusade against a simple design change, and got himself arrested again as a result of it. And that's just the tip of the iceberg; if Chris had been as enthusiastic for 24/7 content creation as he has been both before and since then, we'd have been utterly spoiled. While he eventually began making videos again in November 2015, the staggering amount of missed opportunities still remains.

Honestly, most of the bullshit in his life has been his own fault; even in the "golden age" of trolling, many Christorians' most fondly-remembered incidents had little or no active involvement from the trolls. Chris unexpectedly spilled the beans about his DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS during an IRC chat about a mostly unrelated subject. THAT IS MY HOUSE came out of the seemingly innocuous act of him putting up footage of the inside of his house on YouTube. The events of 28 October 2011 would likely have taken much longer to come to light if not for Chris himself posting pictures of Michael Snyder and various other details to this very wiki within hours of him getting home from jail. Chris's macing of a GameStop employee was provoked by a minor change to a cartoon hedgehog's design that was done by professional video game designers unfettered by the vitriol they'd receive from obsessive fans like Chris; and as with the incident in 2011, several details of his misadventures at GameStop would've taken a lot longer to come to light, had he not posted his own mind-blowingly self-serving account of the incident on Facebook within days of being released on bail. And one can only imagine what on Earth possessed him to not only draw ShecameforCWC.JPG, but to post it online and passionately proclaim that it depicted Megan, one of the few real friends he's ever had.

An old saying among Christorians applies here: "Nobody trolls Chris better than Chris." In other words, even without active trolling, Chris is so good at turning his own life into a rolling disaster that not even the triumphant return of Clyde Cash could top how he's trolling himself. So just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.

See also