Jack Thaddeus Phone Call 2
Shortly after the Jack Thaddeus Phone Call was released, a second one was released as well.
Transcript
Chris: Hello?
Jack: [using a mocking falsetto voice] Hi, Chris. It's me, Kim.
Chris: No, it's not.
Jack: Oh, oh, oh, okay I-- I guess-- I guess you saw through my ruse, Chris, you know. It's me, Jack, your best friend.... Aren't we friends Chris?
Chris: Hmm.
Jack: Hmm?
Chris: Whatever, I don't know, but, anyways, what's up?
Jack: What? What do you mean-- what do you mean, "Whatever"? What do you mean, "Whatever"?[Chris tries to interrupt] God dammit, man! Anyways, I got shit on Clyde. You-- you wanna know...-- you wanna know it?
Chris: Okay, what do you have on Clyde?
Jack: Well, first of all, he wears glasses.
Chris: Okay, he wears glasses.
Jack: Yeah.
Chris: Go on.
Jack: Second of all, he likes Pokémon... for some reason. His favorite Pokéman is Bidoof.
Chris: Okay.... Bidoof. Okay.
Jack: Bidoof!
Chris: Yes, I know what a Bidoof is.
Jack: Yeah-eh, I'm sure you are.. a Bidoof
Chris: Okay well--
Jack: He also likes Sonic....
Chris: Okay.
Jack: And, uh... let me see what else does he... hmm. Well, Chris, that's-- I guess that's all that I'm gonna tell you for now, but how was your day? I saw you made a video.
Chris: What?
Jack: I saw you made a video.
Chris: Yeah, okay... Yeah, a holiday greeting video.
Jack: Uh-huh, have-- I have a question Chris: have you ever heard of St. Mary's Hospital?
Chris: St. Mary's Hospital, I have heard that name before--
Jack: In Richmond, Virginia.
Chris: Okay, so that's where-- so that's where it's located.
Jack: Yes.
Chris: Alright.
Jack: From 1989 to 1999, I lived in Richmond.
Chris: Okay.
Jack: You also lived in Richmond.
Chris: Yeah, but I not live that-- that long a time. I lived there shorter-- shorter length than you... . Obviously, because I lived there from '92 to 2000. Which-- uh-- which is like, that's like 8--
Jack: That doesn't matter. I was still in the same fucking city as you at the same time. And something else: my mother worked in the cathlab at St. Mary's.
Chris: Okay.
Jack: Now, I hear that Bob had bypass surgery. Is this true?
Chris: Yes, he did.
Jack: When was this?
Chris: This was quite a few years ago, during that-- during that decade.
Jack: Interesting, did-- did he get it done at St. Mary's?
Chris: Hmm, I'm not sure it was St.-- I'm not sure it was-- I'm not sure if it was St. Mary's. Uhh, it was the hospital closest to, uhh, Cloverleaf Shopping Center.
Jack: Uhh....
Chris: That's-- uh-- that's a good way of describing its location, anyway.
Jack: Well... o-- okay I was-- anyways, yeah, my mother might have operated on your father... isn't that creepy?
Chris: Okay... [Chris speaks away from the phone] Yes, mom? Mom [indistinct]
Jack: Uh-oh, UH-OH, uh-oh, oh. Snorlax
Chris: 'Sup Mom?
Jack: [mockingly impersonating Chris] Hi, Mommy, hmm. I just wanna cuddle up into your fat rolls, hmm. Yeah, hmm, yeah. [mockingly hums like Chris while indistinct conversation happens in background, then snickers to himself]
Chris: Okay, okay, sorry about that, my mom was checking in.
Jack: [still impersonating Chris] It's your mommy, hmm?
Chris: [oblivious to mocking] Yeah, well, she wants me let the cat-- let-- let the cat in, 'cuz it's going to be very cold tonight.... Uh, so, anyway, you're saying your mother might have operated on my father?
Jack: Yes.
Chris: Okay-- well, okay, that's good.
Jack: I find that very creepy. I might have even run into you while you lived in Richmond.
Chris: Huh. Well, I wouldn't have known it... or I wouldn't remember it... at this time. So it's a possibility, yes. Hmm.
Jack: That's interesting.
Chris: Quite.
Jack: Have you ever thought about moving out of your house?
Chris: Eventually, maybe.
Jack: Where would you wanna move?
Chris: I'm not sure right now, but I would say that-- I would say a nice little house in Charlottesville.
Jack: Pfft, you afford a place in Charlottesville? That's funny.
Chris: Hmm. Well-- well, anyway, that's a--that's a long ways-- that's a lon-- bit aways from now, anyway.
Jack: A bit a-- bit aways? You're almost thirty-years-old, and... you... [holding back laughter]-- that CADD degree sure is coming in handy!
Chris: Oy vey! Whatever.
Jack: "Oy-- "Oy vey"?!
Chris: Anyway....
Jack: What are you, suddenly Jewish? How much money have you made in your life, Chris?
Chris: In my lifetime... I can't even count that high.
Jack: You'v--
Chris: I don't even-- I don't even know-- I'm not gonna--
Jack: That's not-- no! That's not-- that's not-- no, no-no, no. No, money that you get from the government is not money that you make. That is money that is given to you so that you can buy the essentials: food... medicine, and clothing.
Chris: Yeah.
[6:00]
Jack: You use it for... shit you don't need, like your precious pee-ess-triple.
Chris: Hmm. Okay, well.... Alright, so-- alright, so in the, uhh-- ...okay, umm.... Okay, aside from that, is there anything else in your mind?
Jack: Umm... you're gonna piss off a lot of, uhh...-- oh, yeah. Answer it, Chris. Answer the question: how much have you made? Five dollars, right?
Chris: I made some money, yes.
Jack: And what'd you do with that money? Waste it all.
Chris: No, I saved it.
Jack: You saved--
Chris: It's in a savings account.
Jack: [Jack's mouth erupts with flatulence] You have a savings account? Really? A savings account?
Chris: Yeah.
Jack: How much is in it?
Chris: About two hundred... right now.
Jack: Whoahohaha! That's savings, alright! ...Savings, alright.... Two hundred in a savings account....
Chris: Well, whatev-- Well, anyway....
Jack: That's funny.
Chris: Is there anything else that you would like to talk about?
Jack: Oh, yeah, you're gonna piss off a lot of people with Asperger's if you keep this shit up. I'm just saying, I mean....
Chris: Well, I'm not gonna do-- be saying stuff-- I'm not gonna be saying anything new about that, other than what I have made--
Jack: Why? Why can't you accept the fact that it is a condition that is associated with... autistic-- au-tism? You-- you seem to confuse--
Chris: Because it is not.
Jack: Chris, it is a scientific fact... that it is a fucking-- it's on the aut-ism... spectrum.
Chris: I have read that on the Ha-Wikipedia [kind of like "Cool Ha-Whip"] page, yes. I just--
Jack: [Here Jack tries to send a subliminal message to Chris using Morse code] No, no-no, no, no-no-no. Don't you fuckin' say that... it's an opinion, because it's not an opinion. It's a fact!
Chris: I hav-- I n-- I hav-- I have not said-- I did not
Jack: You-- you-- you know what? You know, I have a suggestion for you: okay, go to PBS.com, and go to the Arthur thing, and there's a little game... for you to play. It's called "Binky"-- "Binky's Fact or Opinion Game", you get-- and you have to try and figure out which statement is a fact and which is an opinion.
Chris: [amazed at the complexity of this non-Guitar Hero/non-LittleBigPlanet game] I see....
Jack: You see? You see? Because you seem to not be able to differ-rentriate between the two of them.
Chris: I can diffientriate between fact and fiction.
Jack: No, no, I said, "differentiate between fact and opinion".
Chris: I can diffientriate between fact and opinion, as well.
Jack: Then-- okay, then are...-- are autism and Asperger's similar?
Chris: They are not.
Jack: That is a fucking...-- what-- I told y-- It's a fucking fact that they are similar! Okay?! Asperger's is just... a fucki-- is-- you wish that you had Asperger's, okay? Hell, I have a form of au-tism! I have ADHD.
Chris: Okay-- [incoherent babbling]
Jack: Attention-deficit hyperactive disorder. You know what that means? That means that... I am on the autism spectrum. That means that I have-- suffer from forms of autism.
Chris: Hmm. ...I see.... ...Okay.
Jack: And, unlike you, I don't use it as a fucking crutch! I don't... explain away my behavior based upon my... condition.
Chris: I see.
Jack: I-- I can tell that you're not listening at all, and that you're just-- you're saying stuff to--
Chris: I am-- I am listening to you.
Jack: [laughter] No, you're not, because--
Chris: Yes, I am.
Jack: -- I've heard you do this before with talks with Clyde... and with, uhh, ya know... other people... and shit. I've heard this before.
Chris: I listen to you; you said you have ADH-- ADHD (attention-deficit hyperactive disorder), and you said that it's a form-- it's a type of autism.
Jack: Is that a fact, or opinion?
Chris: Absolutely(?) really(?) been paying attention.
Jack: Is that a fact, or opinion?
Chris: Hmm.
Jack: Is that a fact, or opinion?
Chris: Alright, it is a fact.
Jack: Good job! You get a gold star! Just like back in preschool, isn't it?
Chris: Okay.
Jack: Now what about Asperger's?
Chris: ...What about...?
Jack: Is Asperger's a form of autism?
Chris: [sigh] Okay, Asperger's is a form of autism.
Jack: Ah, shit, son! It took you this long to admit that science is correct. ...Also, I don't think you understand much about Asperger's. You seem to have just skimmed through the article on Wikipedia. Why don't you read it all?
Chris: I did read it all. [incoherent babbling]
Jack: Then di-- where does the name "Asperger's syndrome" come from?
Chris: It came from the guy who founded it, Assburger. That's his last name.
Jack: Assburge-- Assburger? No, it's Asperger. He's--
Chris: Yeah, Asperger.
Jack: Yeah, anyways.... You win.
Chris: Okay.
Jack: You win-- you win a gold star, Chris. Why don't you go-- go to the-- go drive around in the snow, go to the store, get, you know, a sticker-sheet of gold stars, and pin two gold stars on your chest, 'cuz you just won.
Chris: Okay. Well, anyway....
Jack: Yeah.
Chris: I'm... finishing up a-- I'm finishing up a page right now, so--
Jack: Yeah, you better finish it up!
Chris: -- I'll be uploading that soon.
Jack: Yeah.
Chris: Yeah.
[they simultaneously say, "Yeah, okay."]
Chris: Well, [in a very sweet tone] alright, I'll talk to you later. You take care and be safe.
Jack: I love you.
[awkward silence as a chill runs down Chris's spine from fear of homos]
Chris: Alright, bye-bye.
[Jack giggles like a schoolgirl]