Emily

File:Emily.jpg

The real Emily?

Chris's one time sweetheart whom he went on a date with. The date memorably ended in disaster when he was trolled IRL by the Man in the Pickle Suit - literally, a man in a pickle suit.

Agent 99

Emily's identity is zealously guarded by her friends, needless to say we can tell you she's female and has great legs.

Chris's First Date

Kiss Fail

For reference, this is Chris in his kissing stance.

“	Well, when I was going to ditch him for the man in the picklesuit, Chris had his arm extended like he wanted a hug. So I was like, "sure, whatever" and was just going to give him a half assed hug. Lord, what a dumb move. I'm a small girl, so I have narrow shoulders. His large fucking arm basically weighed down around my neck over my shoulder and tightening, and what I could see in the corner of my eye was Chris puckering his lips and his face moving closer to mine. I did a duck and turn to avoid it. If I seriously turned my head to get a better look, he may have well have gotten my lips. I wonder if that was what Chris was going for; the surprise kiss on the lips when the girl turns her head. Too bad that only works in anime and movies. Or really suave guys.	”
The victim

Video Fail

This short clip contains the only footage that exists.

Click to load content

Date Conversation Transcript

Inside, a multitude of voices echo around the cavernous mall. We hear our hero's voice over the din of the shoppers.
Unknown Male: Okay. lock it. Okay it-
Unknown Female: Are you wearing a tong? Is that a-
Emily: Yeah.
Unknown Female: That better be fucking tight. (Talking about the wire)
Emily: It's tight.
Unknown Female: That might pop out while you're walking and it'll be like-
Emily: I should be like-
Unknown Female: A robotic vagina- *laughing*
Emily: I should be like- *laughing*
Unknown Female: Say "It's my vibrator"
Emily: *laughing*
Unknown Female: It's one of those things you see tapped to those- those hentai-
Unknown Male: Well the thing is Chris said in the script(?) he would squeal
Emily: *laughing* UNF UNF UNF UNF UNF UNF
Emily: Okay, if he get's like way too close to me, I'm just gonna be like scoot my chair farther away
Unknown Female: (indistinct) I really like if... (indistinct)
Clyde: *laughing* Maybe Barb will come
Emily: Probably shouldn't leave the house anymore
Clyde: No, if (indistinct)
Emily: *laughs*
Clyde: (Clyde continues indistinct)
Unknown Male: There are Barb candidates everywhere (Talking about the free roaming hambeasts that populate the mall)
Emily: Yeah.
Unknown Male: Nononono but but in all probability there should be no Barb, if there is Barb I will shit myself
Emily: If there is Barb, we're done.
Unknown Female: We're not showing up
Unknown Male: Yeah.
Emily: Yeah.
Unknown Male: *Mockingly* "You brought your Mommy?"
Emily: I should be like, "No put that shit in the bag, and we're not doing anything today"
Unknown Male: Yeah.
Emily: That's it.
Unknown Female: And you can like, call him and be like "You owe me a dire apology and you're a jack off"
Emily: No I'm going- I'm going to yell at him, and make him cry
Unknown Male: Yeah.
Emily: and be like, "I'm going to live in Clyde's playboy mansion."
Clyde: (Clyde speaks indistinctly)
Emily: *laughs*
Unknown Female: I'm part of Clyde's playboy mansion
Emily: Yeah.
Unknown Female: *Despondent* I'm the janitor
(They all laugh)
Emily: Okay, let's go see if he's there.
Unknown Female: You go see if he's there
Emily: NO! Cause it's- Cause he's- Cause I'm gona make an entrance like: HAIIII!
Clyde: (Clyde speaks indistinctly)
Emily: No. he wants to meet in front of Chick Fillet

Chris: Okay.
Robert: Okay.

Post-Date Conversation Transcript

Clyde: Sorry.
Chris: What's up?
Emily: I think we need to talk.
Chris: Okay.
Emily: Becau—it's not me, Chris. It's you. And, you know, I was just thinking about yesterday. I really didn't appreciate you, like, touching me all the time.
Chris: I'm sorry, what?
Emily: I di-I didn't appreciate you, like, constantly touching me, okay? You'd, like, just met me, and you were touching me constantly.
Chris: Oh. I'm sorry.
Emily: [interrupting] I mean, you should never do that to a woman on, like, you know, one that you just met. And especially when you try, like... You tried to kiss me, okay? That's not right at all.
Chris: I'm so sorry, I was a little nervous. I was nervous, a little bit.
Emily: Why would you try to kiss somebody when--if you're nervous? I mean, I thought, like, people would be nervous and not try to kiss somebody.
Chris: I don't–
Emily: But anyways. Let me tell you about--
Chris: Anyway.
Emily: You'll probably ne--you'll probably never hear from me again, Chris, because the Pickle Man was just--he was a perfect gentleman, okay? He, like, took me out on a date and paid for my movie, and, like, since he kept his hands off of me, he got, like, a little extra extra from me, and that could have been you, Chris. Okay? So--and then he took me to meet Clyde, and Clyde's, like, a perfect gentleman as well. So I'm going to be living in his mansion from now on.
Chris: Hmm. Anyway, did you get back to West Virginia okay?
Emily: Yeah. Well, I didn't exactly go back to West Virginia; I'm going to be living with Clyde now, with, uh, with Julie and Blanca and Sarah and everyone else, Chris. Do you understand?
Chris: I see.
Emily: Like, like, since... You don't understand, like, all the women that you've mistreated in the past, they're living with Clyde because he is rehabilitating them.
Chris: Hmm. I see... [pause] Well, I don't know what to say.
Emily: So, do you have anything else to say?
Chris: Umm. Well, this is the, uh... Well, uh, all I can say is, uh, I’m sorry about if you feel—if you feel—if I--that if I mistreated you, and, uh, somewhat, if you—if you felt like I, uh, did wrong.
Emily: Because I don't know why-why you have, like against, like, these men in the… pickle suits or whatever. Because he was just a guy in a pickle suit. I don’t understand, like, what was so, like, threatening about him. And apparently you, like, called the cops on him? I mean, what did he do wrong? How you gotta report him? Saying that, like, a guy in a pickle suit's, like, stole your date.
Chris: Yeah, well, I think in the past, uh, there, uh, yeah, guy in the pickle suit posed as, uh, Blanca.
Emily: But I mean--
Chris: And, uh...
Emily: You, like, didn’t know this guy, and you’re already passing judgment on him, and you’re already, like… You passed judgment on thi—on Clyde, okay? Clyde’s like, the nicest guy ever, okay? He is, like… He is gonna be, like, taking care of me for the rest of the li—rest of my life. ‘Cause he is loaded with cash.
Chris: Hmm.
Emily: Hence why his last name is Cash.
Chris: I see. Well, anyway, uh, if that’s what you want, uh, I can’t, uh, force you or anyth—or anything else. So, uh--
Emily: But, Chris, you should be careful [Chris overlapping, indistinct]. But you should be careful, Chris, on, like, all the women that you encounter, you better make sure that you treat them properly, do not touch them on the first date; don’t try to fucking kiss them, and, you know, you’ll have no problems, but if you do, you know, the pickle men will come and take them away, and take them to Clyde, and he is gonna take care of them for the rest of their lives as well.
Chris: I see. All right. Okay. All right, well, you—you take care of yourself.
Clyde: Hey why don't you take care of yourself too, Chris, okay?
Chris: Uh, yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.

Hindsight

Chris no longer considers this a date. When speaking with others about it, he claims it was nothing more than meeting a fan, and even less of a date because the fan turned out to be a troll sent by Clyde Cash.

Links

• The date (audio recording)
• Post-date conversations