Emily Date Conversation Transcript

In March 2009, Chris went on his first, and only date ever with a troll called Emily. For posterity's sake, the event was recorded, and is now presented in text format for your enjoyment, here.

The voices heard in the recording are that of an elite crack team of courageous trolls and trollettes.

The cast in order of appearance

Frosty: Wiz-kid and all around brainiac. His high-tech know-how keeps the group online.
Camera Whore: Friend of Emily, this perverse gal's mission was to capture video evidence of the event.
Emily: Queen of trolls! She risked both life and limb on a dangerous mission into the heart of darkness.
Pickle Man: Brave and daring hero! He protects Emily from certain peril and inflicts permanent stress and emotional damage upon all who would harm her.
Chris: Misshapen manchild, whose disgusting nature even seeps into the very recording of his voice. Will his evil plan to touch Emily inappropriately succeed? Tune in to find out!
Bob: Robert "Bob" Franklin Chandler, a proud Internet lumberjack yet slave of the Manchild. Bob is bound by law and duty to the horrible beast. Every moment of his last days are being spent catering for Chris-chan's sadistic whims. A sad shell of what once was a great man, now he only waits, and prays for mercy from his foul captor.

Transcript

Inside, a multitude of voices echo around the cavernous mall. We hear our heroes' voices over the din of the shoppers.

Setup (0:00 - 3:10)

As the recording begins, we hear the technician, "Frosty" arming Emily's mic, cleverly disguised as a third nipple.

Frosty: Okay. lock it. Okay it-
Camera Whore: Are you wearing a thong? Is that a-
Emily: Yeah.
Camera Whore: That better be fucking tight. (Talking about the recorder/thong)
Emily: It's tight.
Camera Whore: That might pop out while you're walking and it'll be like-
Emily: I should be like-
Camera Whore: A robotic vagina- *laughing*
Emily: I should be like- *laughing*
Camera Whore: Say "It's my vibrator"
Emily: *laughing*
Camera Whore: It's one of those things you see tapped to those- those hentai-
Frosty: Well the thing is Chris said in the script(?) he would squeal
Emily: *laughing* UNF UNF UNF UNF UNF UNF
Emily: Okay, if he get's like way too close to me, I'm just gonna be like scoot my chair farther away
Camera Whore: (indistinct) I really like if... (indistinct)
Pickle Man: *laughing* Maybe Barb will come
Emily: Probably shouldn't leave the house anymore
Pickle Man: No, if (indistinct)
Emily: *laughs*
Pickle Man: (Pickle Man continues indistinct)
Frosty: There are Barb candidates everywhere (Talking about the free roaming hambeasts that populate the mall)
Emily: Yeah.
Pickle Man: Nononono but but in all probability there should be no Barb, if there is Barb I will shit myself
Emily: If there is Barb, we're done.
Camera Whore: We're not showing up
Frosty: Yeah.
Emily: Yeah.
Frosty: (Mockingly) "You brought your Mommy?"
Emily: I should be like, "No put that shit in the bag, and we're not doing anything today"
Frosty: Yeah.
Emily: That's it.
Camera Whore: And you can like, call him and be like "You owe me a dire apology and you're a jack off"
Emily: No I'm going- I'm going to yell at him, and make him cry
Frosty: Yeah.
Emily: and be like, "I'm going to live in Clyde's playboy mansion."
Pickle Man: (Pickle Man speaks indistinctly)
Emily: *laughs*
Camera Whore: I'm part of Clyde's playboy mansion
Emily: Yeah.
Camera Whore: *Despondent* I'm the janitor

They all laugh

Emily: Okay, let's go see if he's there.
Camera Whore: You go see if he's there
Emily: NO! Cause it's- Cause he's- Cause I'm gona make an entrance like: HAIIII!
Pickle Man: (Pickle Man speaks indistinctly)
Emily: No. he wants to meet in front of Chick-Fil-A, so..
Camera Whore: Figures... but the general idea would be you park near where you want to go
Emily: *Chuckles*
Camera Whore: (indistinct)
Emily: *laughs*
Camera Whore: (Speaks indistinctly)Did you see those (indistinct) where it kind of looks like a penis?
Camera Whore: Right here
Emily: Oh *laughs*
Camera Whore: It's a fucking penis

A slight pause while something happens, presumably involving the penis shaped object

Camera Whore: Nope
Emily: *Disappointed*Oh
Emily:*Sigh*
Camera Whore: *Sigh*

An uneasy silence falls.

Camera Whore: There's that ugly bitch that looks like Hamster Girl(indistinct)
Emily: *Chuckles*
Camera Whore: She looks like Hamster Girl, right there
Camera Whore:(Speaking To Pickle Man) Is that the only one you can see working?
Pickle Man: (indistinct) over by Starbucks? You should (indistinct)
Camera Whore: Nonono she looks like Hamster Girl
Pickle Man: (indistinct)
Camera Whore: Don't she have no hair? oh she has a- (indistinct)
Pickle Man: No, she has hair. She has her hair back like this:
Camera Whore: Oh yeah, I knew that
Emily: Yeah.
Camera Whore: I was gonna say, I donno, cause I guess she dyed her hair blond. Cause I remember seeing her in some ugly strange colored hair

Target Spotted (3:11 - 4:46)

Suddenly, the festive mood changes to dread as Chris appears, in full stalker regalia.

Frosty:(Noticing Chris)There he is!
Emily: (Panicking) Wut!
Frosty: In the jacket
Emily: (Panicking) omygod EJECT omygod! (as the realization of what is about to happen sets in)

Many voices here, possibly more than the four that were speaking in previously "In the jacket" "There he is".

Frosty: Are you ready?
Emily: Yeah I'm ready. *Nervous laugh/cry* This is going to be my best acting moment ever.
Pickle Man: (inaudible)
Emily: Yeah, Don't like, look, cause she has to get down first.
Pickle Man: (inaudible)
Frosty: He'll realize later, that's what it was.
Camera Whore: I don't feel bad
Emily: Okay, but if he like, won't come around and-(interrupted) Huh? I don't have my phone.

There is a short silence as everyone is overcome by the aura of the approaching manchild

Emily: (Nervously, under her breath) Oh my God....

Another pause.

Emily: If this is going to goes all smoothly, I should get like...(trails off)
Pickle Man: Where do I sit?
Emily: Umm, there's some benches like by the table... oh, oh, oh no.
Pickle Man: (inaudible)
Emily: Okay, there's some benches like nearby...
Pickle Man: Yeah?
Emily: Umm, just sit and watch them, talk and eat, then go change or whatever.
Pickle Man: Well, okay. I (indistict)
Emily: Yeah...
Pickle Man: Okay. I (indistict)
Emily: *Takes a deep breath* Yeah.

Emily begins to slowly walk twards her impending date with destiny as she gives instructions to the Pickle Man

Emily: or just kind of walk around and see if you can see us.

The Date Begins (4:47 - 7:17)

Emily parts with the Pickle Man and advances on the table. The hesitation in her step is audible, but she marches on, straight into the lions den.
At 5:21 Emily contacts the target.

Emily: [with tinge of disgust] Hi...
Chris: Are you Emily?
Emily: Yeah, I'm Emily... So nice to meet you.
Chris: Hi Emily this is mah father Robert
Bob: (Cheerfully) Hello!
Emily: Hello

A slight pause while they presumably shake hands

Emily: I've started shopping a little bit.
Chris: thas alright
Bob: You're from West Virgina?
Emily: Yeah, I use to live here for a while but then I-
Chris: *interrupts with a single word* HAT!
Emily: But then I moved to...
Chris: *interrupts a second time* NEAT HAT!
Emily: Yeah I thought you might like it.
Chris: *laughs, amused by himself* heh heh
Bob: You go to school over there?
Emily: Yeah, University of West Virgina, My friend -uh, wanted to go to school there and she's my best friend, so I have to go with her everywhere. *slightly nervous laugh*
Bob: [cheerfully] That sounds like the best way to do things!
Emily: Yeah.
Chris: *Butts in awkwardly* yeah hey Emily, do you mind a photo of you and me together?
Emily: [genuinely excited] Sure!

There is a short pause and Bob says something, it would seem a picture is taken.

Bob: What are you taking?
Emily: I'm doing journalism.
Bob: [hard of hearing) Wha?
Emily: Journalism.
Bob: [teasingly] Journalism? Oh, you're going to be a writer!
Emily: Yeah! [giggles girlishly]
Emily: I did a lot-
Bob: He [Chris] has a half brother, who's.... Who lives in New York City and uh... does Freelance Writing and Show Review and things... for newspapers and magazines.
Emily: Is it- Does he love it?
Bob: I guess...
Emily: *Giggles girlishly again*
Bob: I haven't talked to him in years...
Emily: Yeah...
Chris: *mumbles something under his breath* You haven't said anything about me, before.

They take a few steps, and an extraordinarily unconformable silence falls.

Bob: You know thats- I worked at uhh- I'm an engineer and engineers never learn how to spell.
Emily: *Giggles girlishly yet again*
Bob: I think very logically but I-
Chris: *interrupts yet again* SHOOT! I got bad batteries in the camera.
Emily: *Moans with disappointment*
Bob: (Continues)If I would- If would write anything, half the words would be phonetically rather than the way we're suppose to.
Emily: *laughs again, a little less enthusiastically*
Bob: (Continues)I got along fine... writing stuff on my word processor... when I had spell check
Emily: Yeah.
Bob: (Continues)but I don't do that no more

Bob emits a dry, finely-aged, man cackle. Chris is strangely quiet.

Emily: Did you like doing engineering?
Bob: Well, I had a really unique situation...

About Bob (7:18 - 16:45)

Bob Pauses, and seems to weigh what he is about to say next

Bob: Look, uh... I'ma-I'm really old
Emily: *laughs nervously*
Bob: Okay, so- cause I'm 81 and I came along before transistors.
Emily: *nods attentively* mm-hmm?
Bob: (inaudible)the stuff we had now, but even before then. This is when we had vacuum tubes. And I uh... got drafted after World War II. That's how old-but uh... They put me in the Signal Corps and they knew things I didn't know. They taught me how to install valve systems and switchboard and telephone (Inaudible). So I found out, yeah, I'm pretty good at that. So when I got out.. course that was in 1947... found out now- I know we had a deflation economy, I didn't know it then- Couldn't get a job, So I thought "Well, I got the G.I. Bill. I'll go to school."
Emily: Yeah, now it's really hard to become an engineer
Bob: Eh, now ya- I, uh- I went to a State Union College(?) to start with cause I had the philosophy, that if I went to a big school I'd be just... swallowed up
Emily: Yeah
Bob: So I went to a small school and took Pre-Engineering for two years and that was the best thing I ever did. Cause I wound up... well- I got through my two years of Pre-Engineering in small classes.
Emily: *nods attentively* mm-hmm
Bob: And also I loved music, and I was in this band and everything. And I got the chance to learn a lot about music while I was there. And then I went to Alburn and it was- talk about getting swallowed up
Emily: *Laughs Nervously*
Bob: Then- At that time Alburn, which now has like thirty thousand students, or something. Alburn had about five thousand students. I got my engineering degree. And then when I got out, I said: "I'll, uh, I can do anything with relays and telephones and valve systems, and (another item, indistinct). I'm gonna work for Western Electric;-"
Emily: *interjecting her agreement* mm-hmm
Bob: "That seems logical...(cut off by Chris).
Chris: *Interrupting, yet again* Yeah! Hey! No, you listen to my father. Because he's something; Because I get some of my intelligence from him.
Emily: Yeah.
Chris: Especially my tend-o-logical *phonetic spelling* intelligence.
Bob:*Ignoring Chris' comments* But anyway, I, uh, I went to work for them for forty years, and, uh, at that point in time... (Pause) uh, This is even before the (indistinct), the I.C.B-(Emily laughs again, drowning him out). Before the Korean War, and, uh, but, I-I found out they were building radar systems. Well that was fine, but I thought they had lots of available money, and they wanted to automatic (indistinct). At that time, nothing was automatic. They had none.
Emily: Yeah.
Bob: So, that's what I come and build 'em. (Indistinct) what I learned in the army.
Emily: Yeah.
Bob: I started working with the first automatic (death storm?), that we ever made. And then GE heard about it, and they came down to help them with the (boat?), in North Carolina. And the GE came down, they offered me a job up in upstate New York. Cold country in Utica.
Emily: (Laughs at what Bob said)
Bob: And, uh, I went down to build the automatic (indistinct).
Emily: mm-hmm
Bob:Nobody knows how, because we haven't done it before.
Emily: Yeah.
Bob:We found something with automatic (indistinct), down here. Why don't you come up there? Well, okay. So, I went up there, for three years, and helped develop the, uh, automatic (indistinct) but I got, I was a soldier (indistinct) 'cause I was born in Texas and raised in Alabama.
Emily: Yeah.
Bob: And then I was in North Carolina, first. And then I hit upstate New York, and I froze to death.(Chuckles)
Emily: Yeah, that would be really differ-eh-eh-heh-heh-heh. (Emily laughingly responds)
Bob: After three years, I said: "I'm going back to (indistinct)GE. I didn't know it then, but I had a real natural draw to the mountains.
Emily: mm-hmm
Bob: And I knew about (indistinct) So, I wanted to come back to (indistinct). See, we have plants there...and them there plants specialized in industrial automation. Except, they hadn't done any automation yet. They were just industrial controlled. So, I finagled a transfer back to (indistinct) and I got there just at the time, when they were startin' to make any kind of automation controls. So, I got into what they call "a new business area." And I got to do all the great things. All my, I-I really had it right. I was in the right places, at the right time.
Emily: Yeah. (Giggles Girlishly)
Bob:Because, I am very logically inclined.
Emily: That doesn't really happen these days, with the economy.
Bob:Yeah. I'm a logician. Oddly enough, I never learned how a transistor even works on (records?). But, I use em' all the time.
Emily: Yeah.
Bob:I use 'em. I'm retired now, long time. But when I started out with this group, and the first thing we got into was trying to automate a steel mill, for rolling (painted?) steel for your cars. And when we did that,and then I got into how to roll papers so you could get Kleenex.
Emily: (More Girlish Giggling)
Chris: And, of course you know, that he's the guy that designed the controls for all the plastic water machines! (Bob starts to say something, but Chris plows right along.) So, without him at this time, you couldn't have the plastic through your glasses.
Bob: And-and then then I got into- I was in the new business area, you know? We could do the first one, and then somebody else would take over and do the others.
Emily: mm-hmm
Bob: And then I got into (managing?) a paper mill. And then I got into the...industry of-of, uh, like (low-line?) warehousing, automatic transition, like BART. Bay Area Rapid Transit.
Emily: mm-hmm
Bob: Automatic railroads, and all that kind of stuff. Automated a bunch of that, then I got into automating a bunch of (mine horses?), around the world.
Emily: You've been through a lot!
Bob: And the I went to do the automating of tanker ships, so you could run 'em from the bridge, and have nobody downstairs.
Emily: (Even More Girlish Giggling)
Bob: Just someone else involved-

Unable to hold his tongue any longer, Chris cuts off his father and leaps into the conversation. He then breathes noisily and asks Emily:

Chris: Want some water?
Emily: No, thank-you.
Bob: And, uh, then, uh, then, um, I got into...I developed (indistinct). I found out that there were very few people like me, in the world, who had this natural inclination for logic. Anyway, like the ands, and ors, and the what if's, and the what if's.
Emily: Yeah.
Bob:And then that developed because (indistinct).
Emily: uh-huh.
Bob: Hardware oriented (Y2k pile of junk. ???)
Emily: (Giggles)
Bob: Similar fortune was in hardware.
Chris: Hey, you have very pretty hair
Emily: (To Bob) Oh, okay. (To Chris) Oh, thank you.

Bob starts speaking, but Chris talks over him, making what they say incomprehensible. It seems that Bob is continuing with his life's story, and that Chris is complimenting Emily.

Emily: (Giggles) Thank you.
Bob: -One of my neighbors was in the Navy too,but I was lazy
Emily: mm-hmm
Bob: -was to right down on paper, and design on paper right from the start (indistinct) a sequence of parallel lines.
Emily: mm-hmm
Bob: And up to that point, nobody had a way of writing it down on paper.
Emily: (Unsuccessfully attempts to stifle a laugh)
Bob: They still don't! (indistinct)
Emily: yeah.
Bob: But that hadn't come to mind, I designed the (mine-hose component?) Elevator (indistinct) 5000 ft hole.
Emily: (Giggles)
Bob: Then I got into, uh, designing scooter machines, which fused, um, plastic around wires, and things like that.
Emily: Yeah.
Bob: --Scooters. And then I got into die cast machines, and the machines automating them. They make things like carburetors, and cans, and whatever. And then I got into plastics (indistinct) automating their machines. In the process, I ended up with a patent, in my name, that they own. (Indistinct) And I saw the first two liter Coke bottle (Emily Chortles) come off the line in England. (indistinct) shutters, and stuff like that, made out of plastic. All this stuff we got plastic.
Chris: Like your frames!
Emily: Yep!(Giggles)
Bob: Including, uh, Tupperware.
Emily: (Uncertainly) Can't...go without Tupperware.
Bob: No, and that's why I (Indistinct) finalized and perfected, basically, this whole polar (indistinct)
Emily: mm-hmm
Bob: design, and documentation. It came time for me to retire. And so, I did!
Emily: (Laughs)
Bob: And now I'm inundated, with all this stuff I did, and I don't know if I did the world a good thing, or not.
Emily: (Jumping to Bob's defence) I think you did! You did a lot of things.
Bob: But I can't, I can't spell the word "CAT," without a "K" in it.
Emily: (Giggles) (Writing Emily's lines is a breeze. You just have to copy and paste the same four responses over and over again.)
Chris: Aw, yeah, well you know, I'm proud of him, anyway, for his accompliment, accom-PLISH-ments.
Emily: uh-huh
Bob: (Referring to Chris) He's got a half-brother who (Indistinct)-
Chris: (Referring to the parentage of the fore-mentioned half-brother) His son.
Emily: Oh, okay.
Bob: and he's got a, I have a daughter (Indistinct) Phi Beta Kappa, out of UVA.
Emily: Oh.
Bob: She's working for the government. She's got a PHD, now. She's working somewhere for the federal government, all those math people. I dunno.

Raising Chris-Chan (16:46 - 00:00)

Emily: I'm not very good at math. (Girlishly Giggles)
Bob: I'm not that-I'm good at logic, but not at math.
Chris: I'm good at math!
Bob: He's not good at math, when it comes to managing money.
Emily: (Laughs)
Chris: Hey, look it! I have YOUR plastic lid on it!

Chris and Emily share a giggle over the humor of this statement.

Bob: We've been working with him, now, for twenty seven years. (It was a job/challenge?) Most of the time, I've been retired, so I could (coach him?).
Emily: Yeah, usually if you're not very good at math, you're really good at writing, which is why I'm going for journalism.
Bob: Well, uh, I uh do alright with writing as long as I got spell check.
Emily: (Giggles)
Bob: I just, uh, I enjoyed my life it, uh I-I had things, I had opportunities most people don’t get.
Emily: Yeah.
Bob: I’ve got to see all the stuff (Indistinct)
Emily: That’s gooood, I hope that I can travel all around the world and you know, write in journalism..like overseas.
Bob: I’ve been to Australia, I’ve been to Korea, I've been to England, most people that I know have never been to (Indistinct) so they write(?) for a living
Emily: (Giggles)
Bob: (Indistinct) I wish I could get find out what good he can do though he’s pretty good in drawing
Emily: Yeah.
Bob: -and writing
Chris: Yeah, she-she-she you-you should know, you’ve seen a bunch ah my artwork.
Emily: Yeah it’s really good! All-all my friends like it as well.
Bob: He’s creative, but he’s uh , I-I guess you know he’s high functioning autistic and, uh-
Chris and Emily: Yeah.
Bob: At six he couldn’t even talk but he was programming(?) (indistinct, possibly AMIGA?) computers and Commodore computers.
Chris: Commodore 64.
Bob: (Laughs) which was his first little--
Emily: Oh! I don’t know that much about computers (Giggle) Sorry! (Giggle)
Bob: You’ve probably got a laptop, with a word processor.
Emily: Yeah…
Chris: Yeah-yeah, but you-
Bob: We’ve brought him a long way. It’s been interesting.
Chris: Yeah, that’s a little piece of history you can write about, if you want to.
Emily: Yeah, that would be interesting.

Chris takes over for half a second.

Chris: Anyways, you came all the way here from VCU? Or, did you make a few stops along the way?
Emily: No, I came all the way from VCU, um, like a lot of my friends over at VCU know about the whole Sonichu thing, but there’s a lot more. Like, uh, I guess Sonichu girls?
Chris: Yeah...
Emily: --up in University of West Virginia and we kinda do a newsletter type thing every week
Chris: Wow…
Emily: Yeah.
Bob: This is one of my favorite spots in the country.
Chris: I commend you for that.
Emily: (Giggles)
Bob: --little trees on west avenue.
Emily: uh-huh
Bob: Have you heard about West Avenue?
Emily: mm-hmm
Bob: You know where West Avenue is?
Emily: mm-hmm
Bob: You know where west avenue is?
Emily: Yeah, a little bit, but I don’t go in that area.
Bob: Then are you from VCU then?
Emily: Yeah, (laughing this off) I don’t know that area very well.
Bob: It’s a little town(house?)…only three blocks long and it’s got a second name, called: “Fork Avenue.”
Emily: (Giggles)
Bob: Every spring they have a Fork Avenue (rally?)
Emily: Uh-oh
Bob: at the same time they have the easter parade over on Monument Avenue.
Emily: Yeah, I’ve never seen it before, but my friends have told me about it, but I’m usually stuck in you know...college.
Bob: --in Richmond uh 1975 thru 1980 and then I got married to his mother and, um, he was born. Then we got transferred over here and we moved to Chesterfield county …but I love West Avenue that’s my favorite spot.
Emily: (Giggles)
Bob: I call it Sesame Street.
Emily: Oh that’s--(giggles)
Bob: They call itself now cause there’s too many kids.
Emily: Oh yeah…?
Bob: I-I love Virginia. His mother was raised, oh you wouldn’t believe it, raised in (Indistinct) and was the one who decided to move
Emily: uh-huh
Bob: right there on and uh can’t remember the name of that school the one that goes (Indistinct) on (Indistinct) street.
Emily: I don’t really know the streets.
Bob: well there’s a street (on a?) Burger King right down the street from there is where uh his mother lived for twenty years and raised her first son and he’s got a lot of ties to the family too, he just doesn’t like me.
Emily: Ohh, you guys have a big family?
Bob: Well, uh, we’ve got my son and my daughter; my son’s in Richmond and my daughter’s in Washington.
Emily: mm-hmm
Bob: And then you’ve got her son, who lives in New York, and then there’s the three of us.
Emily: Yeah, sure is a big family.
Bob: We’ve really got two separate families.
Chris: Yeah, but it’s not as big as the Brady BunCH!
Emily: Yeah.(Giggle) no...
Bob: We-we-we enjoy it and I grow flowers. I don’t have to worry about making a living anymore.
Emily: Yeah.
Bob: Social Security, GE pension and GE is good and sound, so what’s it to me?
Emily: Yeah.
Bob: I grow (Indistinct) of it. I’ve got my yard for (Indistinct) And in the middle I’ve got a um about a 12 to 15 flat greenhouse.
Emily: Oh?
Bob: Inside the greenhouse it’s different.
Emily: mm-hmm
Bob: Inside the greenhouse, there’s plastic flowers.
Emily: Oh, plastic flowers?
Bob: --swaying and all my stereo stuff.
Chris: Yeah, but he’s got real flowers in his garden.
Emily: Oh, oh okay.
Bob: The day lillies are real in the garden inside (Indistinct) it’s all flat.
Chris: Yeah, day lillies bloom about once a year du-duri-about once this summer.
Bob: –summer.
Emily: Oh...

Bob continues to talk but Chris talks over him 22:33

Chris: And dey stay that way for about a month or so. It’s a beautiful garden
Emily: I can imagine.
Bob: I’ve got about fifteen thousand healthy--
Chris: (high pitched/dreamily/wistfully/CREEPILY) IMAGINE.
Emily: (Giggles)
Bob: I love all the music from Rick and Rick Van Swing.
Chris: Raise me on music, he did!
Emily: (Laughs)
Bob: --musical soundtracks
Emily: Well, what’s your favorite artist?
Chris: Uh, my favorite artist…well, he didn’t raise me on it, but you know my favorite singer is Britney Spears.
Emily: Britney Spears?
Bob: You’ve got all my (Indistinct) back in the 30’s and 40’s and 20‘s..
Emily: And he’s into more modern pop music?
Chris: Well, if I guess I had to pick a classic favorite it would have to be SATCHMO.
Emily: SATCHMO?
Chris: Louis Armstrong.
Bob: (Indistinct) you’ve got all these classics now-
Chris: (23:19-interupts with an impersonation of Louis Armstrong) TEN FEET UP THE GRAND BU BUH BUH BEH
Emily: (Giggles)
Bob: It was in the 40’s when it came out on the European market was lacking.
Emily: Yeah.
Bob: Back in the 40’s when it came out (Indistinct) and now you’ve got to make good will and salvation army.
Emily: Yeah.
Bob: (Indistinct)
Emily: YeeAAh
Bob: THOUSANDS of them now.
Emily: (Giggles)
Bob: And inside, I found out inside the greenhouse going soon the (complete rules of society are turned around?) I found a great stereo system in the 1970’s and put it out there along with my swing.
Emily: uh-huh
Bob: You can turn the volume up, and it sounds like it’s the hall where they recorded it. I go out there and swing with the music.
Emily: What? (Bob laughs) It must be really relaxing(24:19)

In which Chris impersonates Donald Duck (32:01 - 36:48)

After more of Bob's life story, Chris orders Bob to retrieve food for them, and continues his conversation with Emily.

Chris: Yeah, you know, I must say you look good.
Emily: Oh, thank you.
Chris: You know, you’re the first female Sonichu fan that has actually come a long distance to see me.
Emily: Oh, its not that far. I’m sure maybe some of the girls from VCU would come down sometime, like maybe during summer break.
Chris: Yeah, but I mean at least all the way from West Virginia, I mean that’s farther than VCU.
Emily: Yeah, (Laughs) we might take a road trip down here.
Chris: (Speaking in a sing-song voice) Take a road trip, its a little road trip…
Emily: (Confused laugh)

(Here Chris graces Emily with his Donald Duck Impression, which is difficult to convey in writing)

Emily: (Laughs) Is that the one that scared that child?
Chris: Er-
Emily: At Wendy’s…
Chris: Uh…
Emily: I don’t know how that’s scary-
Chris: (Talking over her) No, not really scary, you see he was tired…
Emily: Oh, okay so you-
Chris:(Interrupting)Yeah. But it makes a lot of children smile, ‘cause they’re familiar with that classic Disney character.
Emily: Yeah

Chris: Yeah. Y-you don’t mind if I have my hand on your shoulder…
Emily: Uh, not for too long…
Chris: (Chuckles)
Emily: Oookay, n-not for too long…
Chris: Okay… heh, this is like, wow, I finally get, like, this beautiful girl in front of me.
Emily: (Nervous laughter) Thank you.
Chris: And she actually got to know me.
Emily: Yeah.
Chris: Just like you know, yeah. (Changing subject abruptly) So what’s the reason you need your glasses for? I’m nearsighted myself.
Emily: Yeah I’m nearsighted as well. I don’t have very good eyes.
Chris: Its like, you know, we’re close so we don’t need glasses to see each other, do we?
Emily: Yeah… no, its still blurry.
Chris: Yeah… How do you look without that hat? I mean I like to see the, uh
Emily: I like this hat. My hair doesn’t look good today.
Chris: Oh.
Emily: Yeah.
Chris: Your hair doesn’t look good… are you sure?
Emily: Yeah. I’m sure. (Giggles)
Chris: How’s my hair look?
Emily: It looks good!
Chris: That’s good. (Indistinct) sleeping against pillows and I took a shower before, before I went – crashing on the couch.
Emily: Oh.
Chris: Yeah but I put on some, buh, er, some Axe body spray before I left… do you like that smell?
Emily: Yeah, it depends on which one it is.
Chris: Yeah.
Emily: Which one is it?
Chris: I believe its, uh, called 'Proximity.'
Emily: Oh, I really like the new chocolate one
Chris: Oh, the uh 'Dark Temptation.'
Emily: Yeah.
Chris: I was running low on that can anyway.
Emily: Oh, okay.
Chris: Its like I, if I – If I – If I – (laughs, stutters indistinctly) – gotten more of that.
Emily: (Laughs)
Chris: (sighs) But seriously though, you are cute.
Emily: Ah, thank you.
Chris: Yeah, I like the - I like this – I like the get-up you’re wearing. Its like you – like you came straight from, uh the PGSM… show.
Emily: Oh, yeah. (Laughs)
Chris: (Indistinct)Like a live action Sailor Moon.
Emily: Yeah, I’ve seen some of the episodes for that.
Chris: I’ve got the entire series saved to my Playstation 3, including the, uh, wedding episode.
Emily: I don’t think I’ve seen that one.
Chris: Its like, uh, a very special last episode.
Emily: Oh, okay.
Chris: You actually get to see (Japanese name) and, uh, I forget his name but you know –
Emily: Uh, (Japanese name)?
Chris: Yeah, (Japanese name), that’s it, you got it.
Emily: Yeah.
Chris: You got it.
Emily: (Laughs)
Chris: You got it.
Emily: Yeah, I used to be a really big fan of Sailor Moon, well, I still am, I’m just not as big of a fan as nowadays.
Chris: did you see the entire anime series?
Emily: Um, I haven’t seen the last season.
Chris: Yeah, Sailor Stars.
Emily: Yeah. ‘cause it didn’t come out in America, and they’re, like, afraid of the transsexuals.
Chris: Yeah.
Emily: (Giggles)
Chris: Yeah. Yeah I know – I know that. But I have that on DVD, you know, with Japanese audio and English subtitles.
Emily: How do you feel about that? Like, the transsexuals and the (indistinct)?
Chris: Yeah. Um…
Emily: Does it, like, make you uncomfortable, or, would you have minded if, like, it came out on TV Shows to, like, little kids?
Chris: Uh… Yeah… I don’t have much of an opinion… (Laughs nervously)
Emily: (Laughs) Its kind of a sketchy subject there.
Chris: Yeah its… its itchy.
Emily: Yeah.

(Brief awkward pause, punctuated by Emily laughing)

Chris: Yeah but you can sketch a lot in your, uh, journalism, don'tcha?
Emily: Yeah. Well, we don’t draw a lot, we just – we do like little outlines and then we start writing-
Chris: (Interrupting) I mean you, I mean you sketch your letters.
Emily: Yeah.
Chris: I bet you sketch your signature pretty. Don’t you?
Emily: No, I thinks its, uh, its basically a bunch of scribbles. (Laughs)
Chris: Ah, a lot of people would say that about their signatures I’m sure.
Emily: Well some people just like put an X for their signature and that’s it.
Chris: Eh, but not you. You put…
Emily: An ‘E’ and an ‘S’ basically. (Giggles)
Chris: Uh, uh, an ‘S’?.
Emily: Yeah, Emily Schiflet(?)
Chris: Oh, that’s your last name, Schiflet(?)
Emily: Yeah, my middle name’s Julia.
Chris: Joolia?
Emily: Yeah.
Chris: Emily Julia Schiflet.
Emily: Yeah. Flows nicely, doesn’t it?
Chris: Its beautiful.
Emily: Aw, thank you.
Chris: Do you dot your ‘I’ in ‘Julia’ with a heart?
Emily: No. (Giggles)

Bob Returns.

Chris: All right dad, I’ll let you, uh, divvy up the spaghetti onto my plate

A Walk to Remember (01:14:23 - 01:21:43)

Chris and Emily awkwardly leave Bob who continues to ramble as they clomp off through the mall.
Bob: Take care.
Chris: Alright come on, Emily, let's, let's walk...

Bob babbles on about sending something.

Emily:Okay... okay, you can show me around the mall...
Chris: Okay! Here's our... heights... You... you come to just about my eyeline.
Emily: *nervous tittering*

They walk quietly for a moment as Chris mutters something quietly.

Chris: *sigh* So where you li... where do you usually like to go shopping at when you're at a shopping center?
Emily: *impatiently* Clothes stores.
Chris: Yeah, uh, they have a number of clothing stores in, uh...
Emily: Yeah...
Chris: ...a J.C. Penney and a Sears, among other places that uh, more name brands...
Emily: Yeah a lot of the stores here are, if you take a look, take a look at the prices and they're pretty expensive.
Chris: Yeah... Yeah... but, you know, they used to ha- they used to have a Kay-Bee Toys here and I- that's where I got my- turns out- my thousand dollar shopping spree I won around the... around the Adventures- the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog...
Emily: Uh-huh.
Chris: That sweepstakes, you might remember I put something about that...
Emily: Yeah!
Chris: ...you might remember that, uh, news clip...
Emily: Yeah! I've seen it.
Chris: Yeah...

Chris nervously takes a few steps.

Chris: Wow... you're like... I'm sorry.
Emily: *nervous laughter*
Chris: I'm just fascinated like... you're just like... a character from PGSM or from- came all the way from Japan- just leapt out of my television!
Emily: *nervous laughter* No I'm definitely all American.
Chris: You're all American.
Emily: I'm all American.
Chris: Okay- so it's just- it's just your eyes that are excepting.
Emily: *shameless subject change* Yeah... so what's your favorite store here?
Chris: Yeah it's- currently, since they took away the toy store- I think it's- I would say it's mostly Gamestop, but I also go to the bookstore or Sears, or even the Spencer's that's down on the other side of the mall. And they used to have an FYE here, which was a Suncoast before- before it- before they all merged and became an FYE, but then they closed that to make the next business here.
Emily: What's down the other way... cause I've been... I came down this way, but I haven't been down that way.
Chris: Okay, we'll go down that way! Alright. I hope- Hope you don't mind me sticking around your left side...
Emily: *bravely* Okay, that's fine!
Chris: I mean, I guess I should keep my hands to myself and behave, right?
Emily: Yeah, you should probably do that.
Chris: I mean, I'm just trying to be friendly.
Emily: *nervous laughter*
Chris: But, you know, not- but you know- respectful- touch you gently on the shoulder or the back-
Emily: *vomitously* Yeah...
Chris: I mean at least I'm not that guy from Inuyasha that... go- eh- go for the bum.
Emily: *vomitously* Yeah...
Chris: Heh-heh, that's funny. Always get slapped in the face, he does.
Emily: Yeah...
Chris: I forget his name, I think it's Mamoru, or something like that
Emily: Uh.... it's Miroku.
Chris: *talking over her* Do you watch Inuyasha? Yeah, Miroku, that was it, you hi- you hit it on the head right there...
Emily: Yeah...

Emily awkwardly walks several steps...

Emily: *delaying* Is that the... food court there?
Chris: Yeah that's basically the food court.
Emily: OK...
Chris: Yeah it use- it used to have McDonalds here-
Emily: Yeah...
Chris: ...soooo many years ago across from the Gamestop there, back then it was called Babbages...
Emily: Yeah...
Chris: And then between them and Suncoast was FunCo Land and Software Etc. and they all merged into a Ga- they all merged into Gamestop
Emily: Oh... never heard about that...
Chris: Yeah... I'm sh- I'm sh- I'm sure you must've at least noticed those game stores back in your youth-
Emily: Yeah... I play video games sometimes, but not very often...
Saleschump: HELLO WOULD YOU LIKE HARAAGARALABHGH
Emily: Oh, no thank you!
Chris: No thank you!
Chris: Yeah... right over- see- where that *unintelligble name of store*, that's where PacSun used to be, where Anna McLerran
Emily: Oh yeah... I've... I've heard of her as well...
Chris: Yeah...
Emily: Is she still around?
Chris: No she, uh- moved to Utah.
Emily: Utah...
Chris: She's a Mormon. Found that out after I met her. But we cam- but we- but we could became good friends and I gave her, uh, you know, gave her a going away/birthday party before she left for Utah...
Emily: Uh-huh!
Chris: For her 20th birthday... and actually her- actual- and actually her friends, uh, her friends and I got together and put together the party. *emphatically* I k- I bought the cake.
Emily: Oh, that's nice of you... and... there was also Megan. Do you keep in contact with her?
Chris: Yeah uh... no, not-no-n-n-not-been-touch with her for a long time.
Emily: Oh...
Chris: That's cause she moved to another state.
Emily: Oh... did she move to Utah too?
Chris: Uh, no, I don't think she moved to Utah, I don't even remember where she moved to.
Emily: Oh...
Chris: But you know, sometimes, I, uh, I dream I'm back in uh, Manchester High, you know, I get to see all my- all my old s- c- all my old friends... there.
Emily: Yeah...
Chris: Sometimes I even see Megan and John in there... John's her brother...
Emily: Oh ok...
Chris: Can you believe that, attending Manchester High like I was back then,
Emily: *small laughter*
Chris: ...but yet they never went- they never been- they never been to Manchester High, neither of them. Isn't that... kinda funny?
Emily: *slightly sarcastically* Yeah... that is kinda funny!
Chris: Yeah... FYE was over there...
Emily: Oh... I guess it's becoming a LensCrafters?
Chris: Yeah, I guess... anyway here's the Spencer's.
Emily: Oh...
Chris: If you like looking at the, uh, naughty stuff-
Emily: *quickly* No, I'm not into that.
Chris: Not yet anyway! *laughs*
Emily: *nervous laughter*
Chris: Ah, but you might. But it's mostly humorous, anyway.
Emily: Yeah... well... doesn't look like there's anything down here...
Chris: Yeah... not much... not much to look at around here... the toy stores around here are down here...
Emily: Oh... well I gotta get going soon, it's gonna be a long drive!
Chris: Long drive...
Emily: Yeah...
Chris: Well I hope, uh, you at least, uh, keep the memories we've shared...
Emily: Yeah...
Chris: Yeah I'll walk you to your car, if you want...
Emily: No, I'll probably have to go to the bathroom first... it's that time of the month...
Chris: Oh.
Emily: Yeah...
Chris: Yeah, when you're on your, uh, period...
Emily: Yeah... *nervous laughter*
Chris: Yeah, you know, aside from the, uh, first time, uh, meeting, this first meeting, uh, how do you feel about me? In general...
Emily: You're a really nice guy!
Chris: Thank you...
Emily: I don't know why people pick on you and all that...
Chris: Yeah, they should get to know me in person...
Emily: Yeah...
Chris: I mean I'm a gentleman, I behave... behave...
Emily: *steering the beast* Have you been into any of these stores over here?

Meet the Pickle (01:21:44 - 01:25:29)

Pickle Man: (inaudible) Yeah, so, um, you wouldn't want to go see Watchmen, would you?
Chris: Uh... no.
Emily: I'd see that movie.
Chris: *shocked* Uh... any particular reason why you're dressed up like that?
Pickle Man: Not in particular.
Chris: Come on, Emily.
Emily: What?
Pickle Man: Hey, hey, maybe the lady wants to go with me. Ya, ya want to go see Watchmen? Lots of, uh...
Emily: *gloating* Why, what's wrong?
Chris: The man in the pickle suit... a- it's apparent this guy's amongst the... trolls.
Pickle Man: You think...
Emily: What's a tro...
Pickle Man: (inaudible)
Curious Bystander: Sir... sir, what are you?
Pickle Man: I'm a pickle.
Curious Bystander: You're a pickle! I love pickles.
Pickle Man: Yeah? Pickles are pretty cool.
Curious Bystander: And who are you advertising with?
Pickle Man: I'm not really advertising.
Curious Bystander: You're just dressed for fun?
Pickle Man: Just bored.
Chris: Dressed as a pickle to HAUNT ME.
Pickle Man: Excuse me? I don't even know you.
Curious Bystander: You're just bored?
Pickle Man: Yep!
Chris: *questioningly* You don't even know me... are you sure... do you have internet access?
Pickle Man: Lots of people have internet access.
Chris: Do you know Sonichu and Rosechu?
Pickle Man: No, I do not.
Chris: Do you know about Encyclopedia Dramatica?
Pickle Man: No, I do not. (turning to Emily) Want to go see Watchmen?
Chris: *stress sighs* No, no, no, she's with-
Emily: Alright!
Chris: ...she's h- she's headed over to- she's heading back to her home town.
Pickle Man: Uh, Watchmen would be pretty cool.
Emily: Yeah, it would be pretty cool!
Chris: Yeah, alright, uh...
Emily: Let's go see it!
Pickle Man: (inaudible)
Emily: Yeah?
Pickle Man: (to Emily as they turn to leave together) You've probably seen Watchmen (he refers to the novel), haven't you?
Chris: (answering the question meant for Emily as he is clearly left behind) I've heard of Watchmen...
Pickle Man: *laughs at Chris*
Emily: Yeah!
Chris: (inaudible, but clearly saying something to the effect that he doesn't like the Pickle Man.)
Emily: *gloating* What's wrong with him?
Pickle Man: What, you like pickles?
Chris: Yeah... I do not like pickles.
Pickle Man: No pickles?
Chris: And also particularly a guy in a pickle suit who tricked me on the internet pretending that he was Blanca!
Emily: There's nothing wrong with him!
Pickle Man: Who's Blanca?
Chris: *stress sighs/grunts*
Emily: There's nothing wrong with him! See, he's a nice guy.
Chris: (inaudible, but stressed as he moves closer to Emily)
Pickle Man: I think you're making the lady uncomfortable there, Chris.
Chris: *stress sighs* I'm sorry, Emily.
Emily: It's ok... I think I have... to go to the bathroom now...
Chris: Yeah.
Emily: Yeah, go change my tampon.
Chris: Oh boy. (indistinct)
Emily: Yeah.
Chris: (indistinct) ...but I guess I do now.
Emily: *attempting to brush him off* OK, well it was nice meeting you... maybe we'll talk online or something.
Chris: Yeah well... I kinda... (indistinct)
Pickle Man: (as they continue trying to walk away) Well, we're going to go now.
Emily: Yeah.
Chris: Yeah well...
Emily: I'm going to the bathroom.
Chris: Yeah, uh, either of- (to Pickle Man) you're not going where she's going...
Pickle Man: Uh, we're- we're leaving together.
Chris: Are you with her?
Pickle Man: Now we are. We're going to go see Watchmen.
Chris: No! N- no! She's going b- you gotta go back to West Virginia, don't you.
Pickle Man: We're going to go see Watchmen first.
Emily: I'm kinda- just- gonna- Watchmen's not that long of a movie.
Chris: *suddenly concerned for Emily* Yeah, but you got a five hour drive!
Emily: *dismissively* It'll be ok.

The Pickle Man and Chris indistinctly carry on a short dialogue. The Pickle Man seems to be asking Chris why he is following along, and Chris replies:

Chris: I'm just staying close to my friends
Emily: Alright, see ya!

Emily Rides the Red Tide (01:25:29 - 01:29:34)

A Precious Farewell (01:29:35 - 01:31:10)

Pickle Man: So, you ready to go?
Emily: Yeah, my car's that way.
Pickle Man: Okay.
Chris: Yeah, her car's... Your car's (inaudible) didn't you?
Emily: Yeah.
Chris: Yeah, so did I.
Emily: Oh, you did?
Chris: Yeah.
Emily: Which (inaudible)?
Chris: Tha- that way.
Emily: Oh... I'm over there.
Chris: Oh. (continues walking alongside Pickle Man and Emily)
Emily: Chris... you don't need to walk me to my car.
Chris: Okaaay.
Emily: This is... Alright.
Chris: So, you have yourself a safe trip back to uhh... West Virginia.
Emily: Oh... (feigning cheerfulness) okay! I might call you on Skype later.
Chris: Okay, you take care.
Emily: You too.
Chris: Hey... (attempts to hug and kiss Emily)
Emily: (tries to avoid Chris) No... no... no thank you! (nervous laughter) No thank you.
Chris: (Chris gives up) Okay.
Emily: Alright, see you.
Chris: Alright, well you take care, be safe.
Emily: Alright, you too. (8 seconds pass as Pickle Man and Emily walk away from Chris)
Chris: (yelling from a distance) HE KNOWS CLYDE CASH! (laughter from Pickle Man and Emily)
Emily: (laughing) Mission accomplished!
Pickle Man: Is he gone yet?
Emily: I don't know, let me look behind.
Pickle Man: (inaudible) I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Emily: That's okay!. (inaudible) worse than me...
Pickle Man: I'm so sorry.
Emily: That's okay.
Pickle Man: (inaudible)
Emily: Yeah...
Pickle Man: Okay... (inaudible) man in the pickle suit?
Emily: (laughs)
Pickle Man: (laughingly says something about Clyde Cash)
Emily: (laughs) Wait there... there's Frosty.
Pickle Man: What?
Emily: Looks like he's gone now. I'm gonna go tell him what happened.
Pickle Man: Okay.
Emily: (presumably walking to see Frosty) Yes! Still recording!

External links

• The Date Audio