Emily

File:Emily.jpg

The real Emily?

Chris's one time sweetheart whom he went on a date with. The date memorably ended in disaster when he was trolled IRL by the Man in the Pickle Suit - literally, a man in a pickle suit.

Agent 99

Emily's identity is zealously guarded by her friends, needless to say we can tell you she's female and has great legs.

Chris's First Date

Kiss Fail

“	Well, when I was going to ditch him for the man in the picklesuit, Chris had his arm extended like he wanted a hug. So I was like, "sure, whatever" and was just going to give him a half assed hug. Lord, what a dumb move. I'm a small girl, so I have narrow shoulders. His large fucking arm basically weighed down around my neck over my shoulder and tightening, and what I could see in the corner of my eye was Chris puckering his lips and his face moving closer to mine. I did a duck and turn to avoid it. If I seriously turned my head to get a better look, he may have well have gotten my lips. I wonder if that was what Chris was going for; the surprise kiss on the lips when the girl turns her head. Too bad that only works in anime and movies. Or really suave guys.	”
The victim

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Post-Date Conversation

Clyde: Sorry.
Chris: What's up?
Emily: I think we need to talk.
Chris: Okay.
Emily: It's not me, Chris. It's you. And, you know, I was just thinking about yesterday. I really didn't appreciate you touching me all the time.
Chris: I'm sorry, what?
Emily: I didn't appreciate you touching me, okay. You, like, just met me, and you were touching me constantly.
Chris: Oh. I'm sorry.
Emily: You should never do that to a woman you just met. You tried to kiss me, okay? That's not right at all.
Chris: I'm so sorry, I was a little nervous. I was nervous, a little bit.
Emily: Why would you try to kiss somebody if you're nervous? I mean, I thought like people would be nervous and not try to kiss somebody.
Chris: I don't–
Emily: But anyways–
Chris: Anyway.
Emily: You'll probably never hear from me again, Chris, because the Pickle Man was a perfect gentleman, okay? He, like, took me out on a date and paid for my movie, and since he kept his hands off of me, he got a little extra extra from me. That could have been you, Chris. And then he took me to meet Clyde. And Clyde's a perfect gentleman as well. So I'm going to be living in his mansion from now on.
Chris: Um, anyway, did you get back to West Virginia okay?
Emily: Yeah. Well, I didn't exactly go back to West Virginia. I'm going to be living with Clyde now, with–uh–with Julie and Blanca and Sarah and everyone else, Chris. Do you understand? Like–since–you don't understand, like all the women you've mistreated in the past, they're living with Clyde because he is rehabilitating them.
Chris: Hmm. I see... [pause] Well, I don't know what to say.
Emily: So, do you have anything else to say?
Chris: All I can say is, uh, I'm sorry if–if–if I've mistreated you. And it sounds like I did wrong.
Emily: I don't know what you have against these men in the pickle suits or whatever. I don't understand what was so threatening about him. And apparently you called the cops on him. I mean, what did he do wrong? How are you gonna report him? Saying that, like, a guy in a pickle suit has stole your date?
Chris: Well, yeah, well, I think [???] the guy in the pickle suit posed as, uh, Blanca. And, uh–
Emily: But I mean... You don't even know this guy, and you're already passing judgment on him. And you passed judgment on Clyde. Clyde's like the nicest guy ever, okay? He is, like, he is gonna be like taking care of me for the rest of my life. Cause he is loaded with cash.
Chris: Hmm.
Emily: Hence why his last name is Cash.
Chris: I see. Alright, well, I, uh. If that's what you want, uh, I can't uh [???] out of anything else. So–
Emily: But you should be careful, Chris, on all the women that you encounter. You better make sure that you treat them properly. Do not touch them on the first date. Don't try to fucking kiss them. And, you know, you'll have no problems. But if you do, you know the pickle men will come and take them away, and take them to Clyde, and he's gonna of them for the rest of their lives as well.
Chris: I see. Alright. Okay. Alright, well, you take care of yourself.
Clyde: Hey why don't you take care of yourself too, Chris, okay?
Chris: Uh, yeah. Okay, bye bye.

Hindsight

Chris no longer considers this a date. When speaking with others about it, he claims it was nothing more than meeting a fan, and even less of a date because the fan turned out to be a troll sent by Clyde Cash.

Links

• The date (audio recording)
• Post-date conversations