Fiona Posts

This page documents posts made by the The Suitress across various platforms.

Thank you, Chris

On Reddit, somewhere in 2021

Despite being very awkward to admit, Chris Chan saved me, especially during the 2020-2021 pandemic quarantine situation. This is a bit personal, but it is an account of how this inept delusional manchild has changed my life for the better. I am more than willing to share this with all of you. CONTEXT: Currently, I am a high school senior who will graduate next month. This has been the hardest fucking school year of my life. In the past years of pre-pandemic schooling, I was usually an A student, always involved in sports and P.E. classes and shit (because I'm a jock girl and those are my hobbies, other than Christory now). I know, I sound like a fucking Mary Sue here, but I was thriving in the structured world of normal high school life from freshman to junior year. School was my entire livelihood. I craved that structure, and the affirmations that I was bettering myself, physically and mentally, by just following orders from the coaches and teachers. Then COVID-19 hit, and I lost my streak. No more straight A's u/IanBwandonAndOwOson for the rest of junior year. DISCOVERY: Being cooped up in quarantine, I watched countless streams from Deadwing Dork, and always noticed a certain name popping up in the comments of his videos. Curiosity killed the cat as I searched up this name, and delved into the eponymous wiki. So many hours of entertainment were spent cracking myself up over this name that I never looked back. I told my best friend, u/Physical-Floor, about the special name, and sent him the first episode of Comprehensive History. We both became Christorians, and this would go on from the rest of 2020 onward. 'SEINOR' YEAR: I can say with confidence that my senior year absolutely sucked. I couldn't completely grasp subjects through online learning, so my grades are currently still a C- at best. Work kept piling and piling up over the computer, and with sports on top of that, it was too much to handle for me. I had to half-ass assignments to push them through the due date and I crashed into slumber more than I'd ever want to admit, missing weeks of sports practices, damaging my how I felt about my body image. I was dysfunctional, but I had the solace of knowing; "At least I'm not Chris Chan." CHRIS CHAN AS A COPING MECHANISM: During my low moments, where my grades are subpar, my body image is horrid, and I'm too fatigued to help myself, I'd think; Would Chris Chan power through his senior year during a pandemic? No! He'd sleep through all the lessons, dreaming about his OC's and not even give two fucks! Then I'd continue on this train of thought, thinking about that boy in Manchester High, sliding his indolent ass through Honor Roll, with this agape mouth and blank expression and I send myself into hysterics thinking about it. I'd call my friend, reciting the "A-U-T-I-S-M" song at the part Chris yells "HONOR ROoOoOoOo-OH-oOoOoOH-OLLLLL!" And we'd both cackle our lungs out at this crazy lolcow that seriously believes being on some Honor Roll in high school will get the girls piling on him! Sometimes, when my anxiety attacks hit hard, and my brain constantly overanalyzes its worries and breaks down, a little tune comes into my head that seems to pacify me; "I got a fish, would you like to make a wish," I always smile when that comes to mind. "I got a fish, would you like to make a wish?" In the midst of a serious mental breakdown, just the insanity of a kooky manchild flailing his arms in a rugby shirt with children's toys scattered around him singing a nonsensical tune makes me giggle even when I think I am at my absolute worst. Chris is literally one of the only things keeping my spirits up through senior year at this point. Humor like this gave me the motivation to actually pass classes this year. And even on times when I only attend sports twice a week, I know that's still more than Chris would ever do in his life. Having a best friend I can talk at great lengths about Chris Chan with is definitely a bonus, as well as having an online community of Christorians from diverse backgrounds who can all come together, analyze Chris's antics, and laugh at his nonsense. Chris Chan provides respite through my struggle of trying to graduate during a pandemic as a functional adult. All his childish mind cares about is his own little creations of "electric hedgehog Pokemon" that live in the fantastical worlds of CWCville and C-197. He's like Peter Pan taking all of us to his Neverland. When I'm angry over silly things in life out of my control, like me not being She-Hulk strong, I just remember that Chris Chan was just as angry over Sonic having blue arms, and just smile thinking about that. I believe we all have our little "blue arms" that we get irrational over, except we don't pick up the pepper spray. I'm not gonna go blame the gym equipment and pepperspray the front desk people because I'm still a small-looking girl (I just became a woman last year) who barely has half the life experience of a veteran athlete! Chris Chan is the anti-role model that gives me glimpses into extreme forms of my faults, and that reminds me to take myself less seriously, and turn it down a notch. CONCLUSION: I honestly don't know what the fuck would've happened with me this school year had Chris Chan not been in my life. He gave me solace through laughter, introspection on my own psychology, and motivation to live through life knowing that no matter how disorganized my current life is, I am still better at managing it than Chris Chan will ever be. Seriously, thank you, Chris. You made me zap to the extreme.

I have a full-blown crush on CWC and I feel absolutely insane

On Vigyaa, June 2021

Oh boy...this will be a long one. I feel absolutely no shame or guilt writing this right now, since I have had these feelings for a year now. Yes. A fucking year. I do feel like a crazy girl though, for having these feelings, so here goes nothing, I'm spilling the beans: I have a crush on Chris-Chan. Yes, THAT Chris-Chan. The meme, the manchild, the fat fuck that created a webcomic with kindergarten-level illustrations about a hedgehog OC. I'm using he/him pronouns for our hero here, if anyone cares, for consistency and personal preference. If you think otherwise, I respect that, too. So anyway, this is how it began: I've always loved internet culture. And learning about "lolcows." Lolcows are people who are gullible enough to create themselves into laughing stocks of the internet for doing things that someone with common sense would object to. My first lolcow was Pamperchu, a guy who microwaved his used diapers. My morbid curiousity led me to seek information on more lolcows, as well as to help me understand my own strange psychology. I am officially diagnosed with high-functioning autism, and have sought comfort in knowing that despite my differences, I am still better off in society than these people because they teach me how not to act online. As a fan of the YouTuber Deadwing Dork, I heard Chris-Chan's name appear through various streams of his. Like with anyone else who has heard of Chris Weston Chandler, curiousity led me to a point of no return. I became a serious Christorian back in July of 2020, when I took interest in watching Geno's docuseries with my good friend and browsing the CWCki. Like Chris, I am also autistic, so I grew fascinated in how someone can use their autism as an excuse and fuck up so badly in life. A month later, I'd keep clicking video after video, article after article on this unique specimen. I got butterflies in my stomach doing so. I initially took these feelings to be disgust over CWC, as they have disgusting mannerisms, except that I would have persistent thoughts about him that we're too familiar to the beginnings of a crush rather than ongoing disgust. Yet I was a genuine Christorian, and beside these feelings, I still was interested in the documentation of his life. September of 2020, I first told a good friend I trusted on Discord in the DMs that I may have developed feelings for Chris. They seemed open about it. My brain went on full speed, and could not stop turning its gears. I'd rather ride the rails of the crazy train than be cooped up in crippling denial. November 2020 is when I listened to the Emily/Pickleman audio. I allowed myself to have my first true fantasy. I took the place of Emily, but instead of walking off with the Pickleman, I walked off with Chris instead, passionately making out with him in the middle of the Fashion Square while I forced the Pickleman to watch. Those were exciting thoughts that none of my Christorian friends, online and in real life, knew about yet. I was very popular in Chris-Chan related circles, where I would make memes about Sonichu and theorized with others on "what made him this way." Since January 2021, I began moderating a Chris-Chan subreddit. There was still much more on the guy I never knew fully about, and it excited me to see more of his tweets on my feed. Nobody suspected my attraction yet, which only grew stronger and stronger until today, which I believe it is at its peak. Cringe warning ahead, the rails on the train are off: First of all, I like fat guys. That's a given. I've ALWAYS had a thing for that, and it makes a good contrast for a petite woman like me. Secondly, I always loved his dopey little face. (I'm incredibly embarrassed writing this, but I told myself no regrets.) He's got those (ever so slightly) blue-green puppy eyes that give that blank boyish stare. I like that "creepy stare." It still shocks me when he widens his eyes, and that factor might be why I'm so obsessed with them. He's got that bulbous chin that I've always found to be a defining feature of his face. And his big "old man" ears, too. God I hate myself for writing this. And I'll hate myself even further when I say that I've always loved his silly shrill voice. It's the kinda voice I've heard on other special-needs guys I've grew up with, and it's endearing to me. Maybe it is partly because of my experiences with other guys on the spectrum that I feel this way. It's mainly Classic Chris that I am attracted to, but sometimes tomgirl Chris has that spark, too. Just slightly harder to find with how poorly he's aged. He's this weird amalgamation of an overgrown man and a little boy that I just want to take care of in some strange way. I kinda want to be his "mommy." I keep "favorite" images of Chris that I can't help but look at over and over again with fangirlish yearning and desperation. Haha. Here they are: https://sonichu.com/cwcki/File:0773-CWC23.JPG I've kissed this one innumerable times. That stare KILLS me. https://sonichu.com/w/images/4/49/0777-CWConbed.JPG Another creepy stare one! He's got really long legs ;-) https://sonichu.com/w/images/9/9e/0776-CWCGuitar.JPG He thinks he's so badass shredding licks on his Guitar Hero controller he doesn't even know how to play correctly! And he's got a little stain on his pants too... https://youtu.be/xuTPXv9Mthg Everything about this video! He seems to be having fun not being a recluse for once. And those eyes. IN GLASSES. The squeaky voice. ◉‿◉ https://sonichu.com/w/images/d/d1/0695-AnnaBD9.JPG He stands out so much! I just like how confident he is in all his frump. https://sonichu.com/w/images/thumb/0/0e/Chris_with_medallion_-_July_2014.jpg/600px-Chris_with_medallion_-_July_2014.jpg Weird Al Yankovic vibes... He fails at looking girly, but his hair kinda makes him look cute for once. This one is adorable to me. I fantasize about sitting with him on his frumpy striped couch in his Classic room, with him holding his PS3 controller and playing Little Big Planet or some stupid thing he likes. I'd get wet thinking about how desperate the dude is for a "boyfriend-free heartsweet" and wondering how he'd come into me knowing that I fit many of his requirements on his Attraction Signs. I'm white, I'm small, I've never smoked or drank alcohol, I have a vagina, and I'm mostly straight. I keep replaying "For Julie's Eyes Only" and I can just sense the pure desperation of him humping that sex doll like a starving dog. I fingered myself to that video a couple times, imagining myself as the doll. Another video I have been fond of is titled "CWCsicle," relating to a challenge Chris has attempted from the movie Jackass. According to this challenge, Chris froze his shriveled up penis in the snow for 15 minutes straight. When he got up and displayed his crooked cock on screen, I always imagined how it would be like to thaw it out with my mouth. And even seeing his fat ass in his Cakefarts video, where he ruins that chocolate cake from Walmart with his filthy bare butt. I'm an ass lady, I cannot help it. Dirty or clean, I don't discriminate when I get wet. I never came the most in my life. (SheCameForCWC.jpg) I know that my attraction is abnormal. I also know that it is harmless, since we are both adults and that I don't think about harming him in any way. It's a benign weird I feel conflicted on, but don't entirely wish to change. Other than my weird attractions, I'm a normal, successful human being in public. I know he's an absolute bigoted idiot. But he's one I want to protect and take care of in a weird way. I empathize with him when he blabs on and on about his special interests, knowing that I used to be an obsessive Pokemon fangirl as a kid, similar to how he is with Sonic(hu). I see him as human, albeit a highly broken one. Fast forward to to June 2021. My best friend found out I like Chris-Chan. A few other online friends have suspected something about me for some time, and I couldn't keep lying to myself or them anymore. The people I truly let know are people who also have some sort of fleeting feeling for Chris himself, but prefer to keep it behind closed doors for the most part. They tease me about it like any other crush, but I feel comfortable knowing that it is simply between them and I. I fear being too much of an open book. I know the whole "you're valid, like who you like" type thing people love to preach online, but that won't get you anywhere if the person you like is a mentally challenged spoiled stuck-up lazy manbaby who feeds into his delusions of grandeur and slices his genitals open to "free a vagina," and "merges with the cartoon OCs." If too many people know that I am the girl who is into Chris-Chan in that way, they'll see me as akin to him; for the crazy obsessive freak that I am. I'm obsessed with Chris-Chan, don't get me wrong, but haven't we all been obsessed with a celebrity crush? Many women I know have felt this obsession over Zac Efron and Harry Styles, except they're allowed to gush about these guys freely in public. I'm not. I'll become a lolcow myself if I do. I'm tired of upkeeping this normal girly-girl image of myself in public anymore knowing that I have my biggest secret bursting through my brain. I decided to write about this secret here. I'm really glad such an anonymous website exists that isn't 4chan or Whisper. All I am trying to get out of this is, I hope I am honestly not batshit insane for this, and that I have hope for myself among professional society, knowing this will be under the radar. Other than that, I've fully accepted myself.

Extra posts

https://sonichu.com/w/images/thumb/e/e2/0782-CWCSpread.JPG/400px-0782-CWCSpread.JPG Oh, forgot to add this to my list of favorites. Love how aloof he looks there. And the camera seems interested in his crotch for some reason...

After the incest leaks:

This legit sucks now. I regret everything about ever writing this. I never knew Chris was going to turn out this way back then. I'm absolutely pissed and disgusted at him now. I'm fucking traumatized. Help me.

I HATE CHRIS CHAN I HATE CHRIS CHAN I HATE CHRIS CHAN I HATE CHRIS CHAN I HATE CHRIS CHAN I HATE CHRIS CHAN this is how I currently feel now. What I written is outdated and will be up because that was who I was back then.