User:DeathtraP/What have I been using for brains?

Okay, this page used to be really stupid and unfunny, so I'm changing it to be less stupid and unfunny. I hope, anyway. As a college student majoring in psychological studies, I will attempt to analyze some of the things Chris has done and said using the mad skills I've picked up from the internet while I was supposed to be writing assignments for my classes.

Part of Chris's repulsive charm comes from how easy it is to read absurd conclusions from the idiosyncratic and often downright bizarre things he says and does. Most of this page is based on exploiting that, and is therefore completely absurd. Don't take any of it seriously!

The Giant Penis Comic and Chris's obvious closet homosexuality

Let's say that the theory of Chris having traced his own penis is correct - this tells us that Chris is a strange manchild and has no artistic abilities, among other things we already knew. But to those of us who sit upon the upholstered throne of...well to us armchair shrinks, it can mean a whole bunch of stupid crap. The following is an analysis of what Chris's penis-tracing activities may tell us:

• Chris started tracing his ballsack too, or at least it looks that way. Did he get so focused on tracing his penis that he forgot why he was doing it, and consequently when to stop tracing?

• Chris's penis only has a noticeable bend in it when it's erect (I sincerely wish I didn't know that) and the giant penis in the giant penis comic has a noticeable bend in it. This means it's pretty likely that Chris traced his penis while it was erect.

• Assuming he did trace his penis for the comic, then Chris would have had to maintain a boner whilst tracing said boner. Chris has alluded to problems with erectile dysfunction in the past, which would make it difficult for him to remain erect (obviously). So, did Chris (whether knowingly or unknowingly) have something extremely arousing to him holding his attention while he traced his penis?

• If this is true, then we have three options available to us: A) Chris was watching porn or looking at some of his other awful rule 34 drawings while he was drawing the comic, B) he drew Ivy or Ivy's vagina first on the page and was looking at it, or C) Chris was aroused by the sight of his buff, fairly good-looking (as good looking as one can be in Chris's art style, anyhow) cartoon self and/or the erect penis he was tracing.

• Option A is unlikely simply because Chris is autistic and thus unable to split his attention between multiple things; had he been focused on porn at the time, the traced penis would have looked more like a bunch of squiggles arranged in a vaguely oblong shape.

• Option B is also unlikely based on Chris's similar works in the past. Based on the attention to detail Chris put into drawing himself in shecameforcwc.jpg and the hasty, cramped addition of the woman's body beyond the vagina in the same image, it's probable that Chris probably himself first when he's in any scene. Or maybe in shecameforcwc.jpg he drew the vagina first, who knows. Still though...

• The only logical conclusion is that Chris either got a raging boner from looking at an image of a healthy young man with a large penis (himself in the drawing) or from looking at his own erect duck. Either way, it's obvious that Chris is both extremely gay and in love with himself. Furthermore, Chris is the world's first perpetual boner machine.

• ???

• Profit!

• tl;dr trace your penis, get laid

Bob has gone utterly insane from living with Chris

In a recent phone call with Alec Bens...I mean that GameStop guy, Bob Chandler revealed that he thinks Chris is the victim of a massive conspiracy perpetrated by Megan, Michael Snyder, and da homos. This was deeply troubling to me as a fan of Bob, and I gather it shocked many people because Bob was a pretty cool guy for the most part until that phone call (if you discount him being a racist and an enabler, but hey, nobody's perfect). After reviewing the data carefully, I have come to the conclusion that Bob has gone completely insane from the stress of living with CWC for nearly 30 years.

Think about it. Bob has a a heart attack and goes to the hospital. While there, he has time away from Chris's tard tantrums to reflect on his life, since he probably knows he's not got much time left. He reflects on the thirty years he's spent trying to mold the concrete block of solid fail that is his son into a remotely likable person - and realizes what a waste it's all been. This brings memories flooding back, memories of all the things Chris has done to destroy everything Bob has worked so hard for - his health, his family, his savings, his legacy, his standing among his fellow human beings, probably a good bit of his home - and most of all, Bob imagines all the things he could have accomplished if the manchild had never come into this world. Overwhelmed by the sudden realization of the futility of his life, Bob loses his mind completely. When he returns home, now only a shell of his former self, Bob is once again shut up in isolation with only Chris, Barb, and the cats to keep him company.

Poor Bob.

The man put up a heroic struggle, but it was inevitable that he would succumb to the hell that he was trapped in eventually.

I only hope his suffering ends soon.

This is the cold, dark depth of Chris's obsession with Sonic the Hedgehog

Apologies if this has ever been pointed out before, but if it has I haven't been able to find anything on it if it has.

Whilst viewing the fast food receipts from Chris's road trip (can be seen at file:Nnocac.jpg), I happened to notice something that sort of hit home just how god damn fucking obsessed Chris is with Sonic the Hedgehog: Two of the three receipts are from Sonic drive-in restaurants. Let that permeate your brain for a moment. Let it sink through the blood-brain barrier and destroy what few cells have not already been irradiated or melted by repeated close contact with Chris's other insanities. The manchild is so fixated on Sonic the Hedgehog that his obsession even dictates his eating habits!

I can just imagine him (sad in itself...) driving by a rest stop with a place that says SONIC in big fucking letters and doing a 180 in the middle of the road as soon as he realizes what that spells out. Depressing...

I imagine if there's ever a Sonic's built in Charlottesville the company's total sales will triple.

Bob is insane part 2

I wrote this as a response to the conspiracy stuff on the talk page, but it ended up being way too long to post on there so I'm going to just post it here.

All humorous accusations of insanity aside, I can see why Bob might feel as though Chris is being targeted by a group/groups of people (in ways other than the simple trolling that's happened over the years). I wouldn't be surprised if he was actually quite paranoid about people antagonizing Chris in any way - Bob is Chris's dad, after all (well, as far as we know...Barb sure gets around though) and parents generally have an instinctive desire to protect their children, even if they don't get along with said children at all. And Bob, while clearly a more effective parent by far than Barb, isn't exactly the most knowledgeable person when it comes to the way the modern world works because of his age (as SenorTucan mentioned).

Think about it - all Bob knows about the internet is that it's big, it's nasty, it's dangerous, and his son's being 'harassed' by people on it. Even if Bob does use the internet once in a while (I have no idea if he does, but who knows?) I doubt he would know much about Anonymous, 4chan, Encyclopedia Dramatica, or any of the other stuff related to Chris's trolling beyond what he's been told by Chris himself. At most, he may have seen something brief on TV of a similar nature to the "hackers on steroids" news segment at some point. Anyway, it's pretty clear that Bob believes Chris knows more about the internet than he does, having spent much more time on it, and he may be inclined to believe what Chris says simply because of that. I can actually see that being the case: the internet and its subcultures may be so foreign to Bob that he can't apply the same filter to what Chris says about said internet that he does when, say, Chris says something like "that chair weighed a hundred pounds!" - He has no other understanding of the online world to weigh against Chris's description of it, so he's basically just going with the default.

On the other hand, it's just less stressful to think that Bob was not in his right mind when he said those things, because I like Bob and want to think the best of him, lol.