Dating profiles

Chris has created a number of profiles for dating websites over the years. Like everything else Chris does, these endeavors are usually made of pure fail.

OKCupid

Screencap of Chris's OKCupid profile

OKCupid is one of the more popular dating websites, and matches people based on how they respond to questions that they may answer at their leisure. Unlike sites such as Match.com, OKCupid allows users to message and search each other for free, only charging for perks like ad removal and unlimited inbox space. The ability to stalk thousands of internet girls without paying a dime must have been a very attractive prospect for Chris.

Chris created his OKCupid profile in late February 2009. He gave up on it very quickly — his final login was in early March. It's likely he quit using it after girls failed to flood his inbox with offers of true and honest love. In the usual Chris style, the profile is woefully incomplete, featuring only a very brief personal summary, and a looking-for box in which he checked every available option, including "casual sex."

Profile Text

I am Autistic, Fun, and Creative.

My Self-Summary

I'm young at heart. I'm currently writing a comic book, and I've written quite a few issues so far. I am a bit shy, but I would enjoy the company of a beautiful girl who likes some of the things I do. I also like to have fun when I can, and I don't really like to be alone.

I graduated from high school on the Honor Roll, and I am doing very well at PVCC. A lot of men make false promises to their girlfriends, but I am totally different. When it comes to what I can offer, I can seriously promise care, respect, empathy, and love. I think that (most) girls deserve the world, and I would do my best to give it to them.

I haven't had the best of luck with girlfriends in my past. There was a lot of lying and backstabbing done to me, and I'm looking for someone who is honest and will love me for me. Who I'd like to meet: Someone with a happy, positive personality, young at heart, very pretty, 18-23-years old, lives in, or around, the Charlottesville or Ruckersville (both in the state of Virginia) areas, smoke-free, non-alcholoic, white and does not already have a Boyfriend.

Looking for: New friends, Long-term dating, Short-term dating, Activity partners, Long-distance penpals, Casual sex

Book of Matches

Screenshot of Chris's BoM page.

It's unclear when Chris made this profile, but given his stated age, it probably was made around late 2008 or early 2009, around the same time as his first Hook Cafe ad. While the staples of half-assery are still present, it's clear Chris spent more time on this page then he did on his OKCupid profile. Many of the statements here are just repetitions of the Chris-chan facts we all know and love, though: his fantasy of a daughter named Crystal, McDonald's as a first date, and so on. Chris also seems to believe that citing Mary Poppins as the greatest movie ever will somehow have a positive effect on the ladies.

Profile Text

If you like me, find me In Person, and let me know.

• Charlottesville, Virginia
• Response Rate: 0%
• Above average
• Sensually hot
• Pisces
• Caucasian
• M
• 26 years of age
• 5'9 - 5'10
• Single
• Artsy Gamer
• Here For Long Term Relationship

Things that have bothered me:
When they are false friends; when they would just dump me after one mistake, or something as dumb.
I am looking for:
In a nutshell, 18-years to my current age, Caring, Smoke-Free, Non-Alcholic, white and Boyfriend-Free.
Cool Movies:
Of all time, Mary Poppins.
My Favorite Groups are:
All kinds; classic, jazz, country, pop, rock, etc.
I am looking for a personality like:
I'm not certain, but as long as the woman likes me for me, and will stay by and care about me, all things considered, I'll feel better. I feel that I am a good listener, and I can make her laugh and/or feel good (but then again, it depends on her point of view).
Willingness to meet others from boM:
I am willing to meet WOMEN from this service, as long as they live within the Ruckersville or Charlottesville, VA area, and if they currently do not have (or preferably never had) a Boyfriend.
Are you ready to start from scratch?
I WANT to start a relationship from the Ground-Up. I may have a few things already put behind me, but I will make it a point to keep those issues out of the way of current or future issues. I am to be continued.
My typical day:
Personally, I have never been on a date before in my life. But for my first date, I'd keep it simple with a beverage (or shared meal) at
McDonalds, or similar resteraunt.
My Wish List Includes:
I dream of getting married, and having a daughter named Crystal.

Plenty of Fish

In perhaps his most childish profile yet, Chris rages against the trolls and even goes so far as to threaten anyone who "provokes" him. He also lists Pokemon and My Little Pony under his interests. Of interesting note, Chris also lists that he drinks often (>3 times a week). This may be an attempt to counter-balance the other things he has listed or to show that he has truly taken a liking to alcohol.

Profile Text

Christian Weston Chandler : Looking for a Boyfriend Free Girl

• City: Ruckserville Virginia
• Sign: Pisces
• Height: 5' 10" (178 cm)
• Age: 28 year old Man
• Relationship: N/A
• Smoker?: No
• Ethnicity: Caucasian with Brown hair
• Body Type: A Few Extra Pounds
• Religion: Methodist

• I am Seeking a: Woman
• For: Long Term
• Do you drink?: Often (>3 times/week)
• Marital Status: Single
• Profession: Comic Writer
• Smarts: Some college
• Do you want children?: Yes
• Do you do drugs?: No
• Do you have children?: No
• Do you have a car?: Yes

Interests Pokemon, Sonic the Hedgehog, Sonichu, boyfrend-free girls, my little ponies, transformers

About Me

I am "Christopher" Christain "Ricardo" Weston Chandler. I am a 27 year old autistic STRAIGHT male virgin. I am still a virgin because I have deveoped a Fear of the boyfriends, a phobia which I deem Noviophobia. I Clam Up whenever I Think about appraoching a Gal because I am Terrified of the Infinitely High Boyfriend Factor. Since I was 21 years of age, I have embarked on a God-Called Love Quest to find a boyfriend-free, non-alcoohlic (alcohol ok now), smoke-free, 18-(my current age) girl to make into a Sweetheart from the Ground-Up. I have been unsuccesful, mainly due to the d*mn Dirty Trolls, like CLYDE CASH.

Also, I am the TRUE and ORIGINAL creator of Sonichu (DO NOT STEAL, OR I WILL SEE YOUR ASS IN JAIL), and Rosechu, my Electric Hedgehog Pokemon. The trolls do comitt mockeries like drawing Rosechu with a Pickle, and using Sonichu as an icon for the Homos. Please do not Troll me on POF. I am just an Autistic male, looking for True Lvoe. If provoked, I will not Hesitate to oppen up a Can of Punch-Face.

First Date

For dinner that evening, our First Date, I will take you out to McDonalds, Arbys, Burger King, or a small restaurant like that. Perhaps we could go to a Romantic Movie at the theater, or we can walk the Downtall Mall, and/or a walk in the park. If we take in the movie, you and I can sit in the back, darker area. And if it doesn't bother you, I may "Yawn and stretch" my arm around you to your other shoulder. If you want to take it further, you may pull my hand on your shoulder a little closer to your breast (of course, this is optional), and I'd let you cop a reach into the popcorn bucket, or under that to cop a feel. And you and I can make out in the theater. I will take you back to your home or hotel. NO SEX ON THE FIRST NIGHT.

Chemistry results

Self Confidence

As someone with moderate self-confidence, you generally feel comfortable interacting with other people. In particular, you find the company of friends comforting and occasionally enjoy meeting new people. You tend to be relaxed in groups, which makes people around you relaxed too. Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as friendly.

Your social confidence also spills into your personal beliefs about yourself. Although you have several strengths, you tend to acknowledge and accept your weaknesses. However, you sometime regret things you’ve done or said in the past, and occasionally get embarrassed by these things.

When it comes to your professional life, you tend to set moderate to high standards for yourself. Your work performance should provide ample evidence for this. With this and your sociability, friends and colleagues tend to see you as someone who can provide sound advice.

Family Orientation

As someone who is oriented to familial matters, you value the company of family-members and domestic life. If you have children already, you enjoy spending time with them very much and work hard to be a good parent. If you don’t have children, you very much desire having children in the future. And your preference for cooking and entertaining guests at home will likely ease the transition into parenthood.

You take pride in maintaining and cultivating a healthy family and work hard to achieve this. This natural tendency is easily illustrated by your preference for doing things around the house as opposed to going out to clubs and restaurants.

What really sets you apart from people that are low in family orientation is that you know how to manage your frustrations and work well on your own. This means that you are well-equipped to manage a family without letting all the work that is involved wear you down. However, as someone with strong family values, all the work that is involved in maintaining a tidy home and well-stocked kitchen might occasionally make it difficult for you to finish everything that you need to do.

Self Control

The self-control personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs him or herself. Being low in self-control can be both good and bad. Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control makes this likely to happen more often than not. This can be good in circumstances where being relaxed and open are important. However, in situations where it is necessary to be focused and careful, you might find that you do or say things that may be inappropriate.

As someone who exerts little control over your actions, you may find that you commit social blunders that might offend other people and get yourself in trouble. For example, if you’re given responsibility to work on a project that requires close attention to detail, you may be likely to overlook important details because you have difficulty staying focused. Consequently, you might feel more comfortable delegating such tasks to other people who are more detail oriented. Being able to recognize such characteristics in yourself and having more detail-oriented people do such tasks could be an effective way to manage your own stress level.

Low self-control may diminish your effectiveness at work. Acting too relaxed can make it difficult for you to focus on projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Thus, your ability to accomplish may be inconsistent. Indeed, it’s possible that you might be criticized periodically for being unreliable or unable to “stay within the lines.” Nonetheless, you may still experience many short-lived pleasures and never be thought of as boring.

Openness

As someone with a low score in openness, you are down to earth and prefer fact to fiction. It’s likely you don’t particularly enjoy the arts because it’s not always clear whether it has any practical use. Moreover, you probably don’t consider yourself to be a very emotional person because you tend to focus attention on concrete goals and objectives, so there’s no real reason to get too upset about anything because such worrying will not change anything.

Rather than day-dreaming and playing with abstract concepts and ideas, you prefer thinking and talking about concrete issues where a clear answer or decision can be made. That is, you tend to think more logically and methodically about most things. Thus, it is likely that you prefer working on projects where there are clear instructions and objectives; you may find it difficult and pointless to work on projects that require too much creative thinking.

This propensity can have advantages and disadvantages. For instance, when there are clear rules about how to solve a particular problem, your ability to follow instructions makes it easy for you to accomplish your work and excel. In contrast, you may be easily overwhelmed and frustrated when working on projects that have no clear solution.

Easygoingness

Easygoingness refers to one's ability to relax. Based on your score, you appear to “take things as they come” and enjoy having a good time. However, being high in easygoingness also has the potential to produce stress in a number of ways. For example, you may find it difficult to complete tasks thoroughly and efficiently. In this way, being high in easygoingness cannot only make your life difficult, but also the lives of the people around you. Another potential problem with being too high in easygoingness is that it can provide you with gratification in the short-term, but in the long-term provide undesirable consequences.

High easygoingness, even when not seriously destructive, may also diminish your effectiveness at work, for example. You may find it aversive and difficult to put in all the effort that may sometimes be needed to effectively accomplish certain tasks. For this reason, your colleagues might view you as forgetful and unfocused.

How Does Your Personality Affect Your Love Life?

Your social competence and charm make it easy for you to get along well with most people. Indeed, it’s self-confidence that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable. This should work to your advantage in your romantic life. Your social skills should help make for a pleasant first date by alleviating any nervousness that your partner might have. Over time, the realistic standards that you tend to set for yourself could work well with your partner. That is, by setting realistic goals for yourself and your relationships, your partners should feel less pressure to be someone that they are not.

Given how much you value family life, you probably get along best with people who share your values and beliefs. In fact, it’s likely that you maintain close connections with members of your immediate and distant family. For this reason, you would probably be most satisfied in a romantic relationship with someone who also values domestic life.

Being in a relationship with someone who enjoys going out to parties and staying-up late at night might be fun, at least initially; yet it’s likely that you will find this tiring over time. Thus, it might be easier and more satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who also enjoys spending time at home and desires starting a family. On first dates, perhaps you might suggest to your partner that the two of you spend a quiet night having dinner at one of your respective homes instead of going out to a restaurant or club.

As someone who is more relaxed than most people, you likely get along with most people quite well. Chances are that your friends and colleagues perceive you as lively, fun to be with, and good-humored. When it comes to romance, you’ll likely be attracted to most people. However, your free-spirited nature might make being in a relationship with a person that is more rigid than you difficult because you might perceive the person as being too uptight and controlling.

When it comes to romantic relationships, your conventionality might make it difficult for you to tolerate people with beliefs different from your own. Although such people might be fun on first dates, once you begin talking about serious issues, you might find their unorthodoxy unsettling and even offensive. Therefore, you will likely be most satisfied in relationships with people that are more traditional and down to earth.

The Hook Cafe

See the main The Hook Cafe page.