Homos

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A typical homosexual.

Christian Weston Chandler refers to homosexual people almost exclusively by the pejorative term "homos". He doesn't like them very much. From the very beginning of his internet fame in 2007, his extreme opposition to homosexuality and his neurotic, obsessive demand that everyone "STAY STRIAGHT" have been the subject of many lulz and the target of many trolls.

Fear of being a homo

Chris's homophobia is just that--he is literally afraid of homosexuality and of anything that could conceivably cause a straight person to be "leered off the straight path." His terror is such that he can barely bring himself to even utter the word "gay" or any other term concerning gay people, except of course for "homo". He has said that he cannot even look at a picture of a penis without being "freaked out," and he has cited several techniques he believes are necessary to maintain his sexual attraction to women. This attitude could be explained by one of two possibilities:

1. Chris is a heterosexual idiot, so he thinks the slightest thing could turn him gay unless he maintains constant vigilance.
2. Chris is a repressed homosexual, so he knows the slightest thing could turn him gay, because he can barely resist the temptation.

We don't yet have enough information to determine which of these is true. Until he kisses a man on the lips (currently scheduled for 2010), we may never know.

Hatred of homos

Chris animosity towards gay people seems to result primarily from his fear of them and their supposed ability/desire to make him gay. He has often characterized the trolls as homos, which is either a basic ad hominem attack or a sincere belief that anyone who draws penises on Rosechu must himself be gay.

On 18 February 2009, Chris issued a retraction of his previous homophobic remarks and declared that he respects "the gay people" like he respects his gal pals and his sweethearts (is he telling us something?). However, as this was mostly done at the insistence of Julie; by 10 March Chris was reciting verses from Leviticus 18 to justify his position against homos.

Evidence that Chris is a homo

Ironically, the harder Chris tries to convince people he's straight, the more gay he appears. He has absolutely no awareness that an uptight, milquetoast, squeaky-voiced man saying "I am straight! I have a subscription to Playboy!" every five minutes looks like he has something he's trying to hide. Further, the more we learn about Chris the more gay he really appears to be.

• He owns, or at least has owned, anal beads and a vibrator, and he is on record as having experimented with putting both toys in his anus. Although it is conceivable that you can stick things up your butt and still be straight, people who are terrified of being turned gay generally do not do this.

• Christian argues that the vibrator and anal beads were sent to him as a free gift with an order of straight pornography; he did not ask for them or pay for them. It is very unlikely that an adult entertainment store would just send free anal beads to its clientele for fear of offending them. The store surely must have given Chris an opportunity to opt out of the gifts or select different gifts, and he did not take this opportunity.

• Chris gets upset that people know he has the vibrator and anal beads, and he gets upset that people think he's gay because he kept the vibrator and anal beads...but he never gets upset that the store sent him the vibrator and anal beads in the first place. You would think that if a troll sent him a dildo he'd be throwing a fit about it on YouTube, but no.

• He collects My Little Pony figures well into early adulthood. 'Nuff said.

• Christian has stated that if he were unable to stay straight he would undergo sex reassignment surgery; he would rather be female than gay. It should be noted that 99.9999999999996% of straight men have never, ever, put this much thought into this hypothetical dilemma.

• On 05 February 2009 Chris posted two videos stating that he was coming out of the closet as a gay man. He later issued a retraction which was far less persuasive.

Defenses against becoming homo

It's hard work for a warrior of true love and honesty to stay straight. Luckily, Chris has a Sailor Moon poster which he stares at everyday to stave off his temptations of homoeroticism.

Chris also subscribes to Playboy to help keep himself straight. You can tell he's straight because when he's explaining what he finds attractive in women it only takes five minutes for him to get around to boobies and vaginas.