Kiwi Farms posts (The Captain)

This page is an archive of The Captain's key posts about Chris on the online forum Kiwi Farms. Posts are sorted by date.

Chandler Cats

20 May 2018

[Pollo] has been showing signs of passing for a few days now, but Chris has been smart enough not to rant about it. The cat was at minimum 14 years old at adoption and could very well be near age 20. He's not abusing the cats, end of story. He's simply upset that the end is (likely) coming tonight and already broken about Sorbet.

After Pollos death:

{{Poor cat. Hopefully Sorbet comes back - Chris is quite beside himself right now - slept maybe an hour last night.}}

Chicken Breast

21 May 2018

In response to a user's comment 'I think when he says "meat", he means hot dogs or deli meat. I really doubt he knows how to cook actual food.'

Actually, he does. He cooks chicken breast nearly every day.

The Chris-Chan Extortionists

Main article: The Chris-Chan Extortionists

11 July 2018

The Captain posted in a thread on how he had intervened against the Idea Guys's manipulation over Chris.

Restricted Shows

11 July 2018

In response to a user's comment, "Did the go as far as trying to control what Chris could and couldn't watch That's...pathetic on their side, not Chris's. What shows was he "banned" from watching?."

My Little Pony as well as nearly everything else on Crunchyroll. They forced him to watch porn instead, film himself in a McDonald's parking lot talking about "concrete drowning", etc.

Convincing Chris

11 July 2018

In response to a user's comment, "Is anyone here able to go to Virginia and look after Chris's problems and set him up with long term care? Because if no one is willing to do that, Rocky may be his best bet for surviving all this and having a quiet rest of his life.":

That's actually one of the things we've been discussing. One of the best things for Chris right now is to get out from under Barb's thumb and for her to get assisted living herself. Also, Boyd's current Discord ID:

In response to another's user's comment, "@Null, @The Captain, @Marvin and anyone else I forgot- first of all, thanks for rescuing our boy. Seriously, you guys are fucking awesome. You said Chris had an "a-ha" moment with regards to the moon weapon the spergs were using to threaten him, right? Where he realized they were making things up to trick him? Is it too optimistic to wonder if he'll have similar realizations (with a little help) to shake him out of the alternate universe/Neptunia beliefs he's been posting lately?

Follow-up question: I know Wise convinced him that he was bisexual, does Chris still believe this?":

The ah-ha moment came after I had multiple lengthy discussions with Chris with @Marvin coaching me in the background. I had to convince Chris that these were indeed "bad" people and that they were hurting "fake" characters and that everything was safe and sound in Cwcville. Chris used his "mind powers" and realized that I was correct and gave us full control of all of his accounts in order to manipulate this situation and gather evidence. My personal thought is that Chris does indeed identify as bi-sexual, but I don't know if he'd actually act on it given the chance.

Discord Usernames

11 July 2018

Just logged into the Discord account they made Chris create for them and got the full Discord tags of all four individuals involved. From top to bottom: Joshua Wise Stephen Boyd (@NinFreakLan) Unknown (Refused to click link used to gather IPs) Unknown Canadian (@de_DEVIL_tails) Note: "Batty!#2637" still had Chris on their friend list and went offline the moment I logged on.

In response to a user's comment, "Oh, gotcha. I think you actually mentioned that earlier in the thread, so I apologize. There's a lot of information flying by. Is there currently a plan, then, to I HAVE AUTISM PLEASE LAUGH AT ME Chris off of the other Idea Guy stuff (Cunt Nugget, Neptunia goddesses, etc)? Or is prosecuting the spergs still your first priority?":

Prosecution. Chris' mental challenges are secondary at the moment. It's going to take quite a while to break him of all of this. He had actually completely written Sonichu 16 but is now going to re-do it as it was basically a Joshua Wise inspired Nazi bukkake fest with Sonichu characters. It easily would've led to his Patreon being banned.

Amnyfest Ring

20 July 2018

In response to a user's comment, "He probably raised most of it through his business. Like, in April, he had revenue of $4,284 + however much @The Captain paid for the ring, and I don't know how aware Barb is of his business income.

On the other hand, Chris had been having trouble scrounging up the money for the mortgage... the receipts Null posted shows Chris sending gift cards around mid-April, and Barb had appeared in begging videos in early April and early May asking for help to pay the mortgage. So he might've told Barb something to explain why they were short on money... but she probably would've found it incomprehensible and assumed he spent it on video games or something.":

Chris got $200 for the ring. Shipping and PayPal also got their cut from that. I'm not sure about any kind of "slush fund" his mother may have, but based off of her past spending habits and from what Chris has stated - nothing. She's going to go to the grave broke.

Reality Stone

24 July 2018

In response to a user's comment, "Not really. IIRC that was a suggestion implanted by @The Captain to get an in with Chris.":

Yes, it was. I told him the ring was actually the "reality stone" and he could change the reality of Cwcville to be whatever he wanted it to me, to include shutting out trolls that try and nuke it using moon cannons. It worked, but it looks like he latched onto it a little TOO hard.. Edit: It was a way to quickly and easily shut the trolls out. The ring is sending me messages: the Discord fags are bad. Also, the ring is reallllly the reality stone, and you can use it to "undo" everything that they've done! It got me (and subsequently Marvin and Null) in, and the trolls out, all in a 20 minute phone call. Within an hour they were shut out of everything and we had full access to every aspect of his social media.

Lesser Evil

14 August 2018

In response to a user's comment, "Yep, that ring. His sister dimension crap amplified once he learned that the ring can communicate to people other than himself.":

Lesser of two evils.. He's watching his favorite TV shows again, shitting in a toilet rather than on a towel, and not bleeding out financially to buy PS Vitas and other junk for weebs in California and Kentucky.

Megan's Guns

17 October 2018

In a thread about Chris tweeting that he was backtracking from a declaration of going to Megan Schroeder's house after learning she has guns from a "trusted source", and in response to a user's comment, "Haha captain was that you? Not a terrible ploy! I picture her having vintage German Lugers.":

I couldn't sit back on this one

Liza Update

6 November 2018

In a thread on Liza, Patches and Sylvia, and in response to a user's comment, "I hope Liza will be alright. He looked the worst out of all of them. I was right though.

F":

Liza is actually doing well after getting a regimen of antibiotics and such. His new owner suspects they actually have pneumonia and the conjunctivitis is simply a symptom.

Car Loan Creditor

11 November 2018

Just clarified with Chris that Chrysler Capitol is the creditor for the car loan and he owes.. A lot. He wouldn't be specific which means it's likely quite a bit. Also they are indeed the ones who suggested the auction. He surrendered the car directly to them to auction, whatever that means. I didn't even know surrendering a car was a thing.