Church audio
On 15 March 2009, Robert Simmons V and an undercover Man in the Pickle Suit visit Chris's church and approach the manchild in the flesh unsuspectingly.
The audio recording of this event lasts 1:47:48. Throughout, Chris's voice is much louder than everyone else's.
Chris says he's keeping his distance from instant messages. He'd rather not talk about who hacked his Yahoo! account. Bob is there, but Chris reveals that Barbara usually stays home.
Chris excuses himself to leave Bob to talk to Robert for a few minutes. Bob talks about jerks on the internet, Chris's condition, and early video games. When Chris comes back, he realizes that it's funny both Bob and Robert have the same name.
Chris talks about Robert's trouble with finding a girlfriend. Chris has made the final decision to talk to local girls instead of ones on the internet. He's gotten encouragement from Rocky with How to Talk to Girls. He talked to 7 girls just last Thursday at Alderman Library, but got a fake number. Chris was emotionally prepared for the fake number from Seinfeld. Bob mentions the Sonichu Girls club.
Chris rambles on about Family Guy and Stewie quoting the bible against homosexuality. His copy of the bible with Leviticus is different from the church's because it was a graduation gift from Reverend Shin of the Korean church in Chesterfield County. Bob talks about North Korea.
After asking Robert for a pen, Chris makes his signature and hands it to Robert, saying it could be valuable one day.
They start reciting verses and singing hymns for many minutes. Chris gets to pick a verse for everyone to sing. Bob gets the second pick. Then other people pick. Chris wails over everyone else in some of them.
Afterward, Robert reunites with the other troll. They drive away contemplating on Leviticus and raping Emiry.
Transcript
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00:00:00 - Pre-Troll Warmup
Robert Simmons V: It's rolling now, so... (noise and pops) Is it recording still? Yes it is. Oh yeah. Not good. (a few seconds pass) Citizens of the Internet! This is Robert Simmons V, better known as Sonichufan1985, -1986 and now, -1987. I wish you all a good morning! The reason I am talking today on this voice recorder is to talk about about how I'm gonna meet Mr. Christian Chandler, my personal hero. Now, although if you're looking at my old account, Sonichufan1986, you would think that I don't like Mr. Chandler. That's a lie, a slanderous lie.
(unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: Maybe I should just talk normal. You think he wouldn't even fuckin'...
Troll #1: Okay, you heard Julie, right?
Robert Simmons V: Yeah
Troll #1: So you heard that.
Robert Simmons V: Yeah. I'll just talk like he's probably still a threat.
Troll #1: (Does an impersonation of Chris, unintelligible quote)
Robert Simmons V: We're doing it now. Did you hear about that quote?
Troll #1: Yeah yeah yeah, there's this retard or something...?
Robert Simmons V: Yeah we were talking about it on IRC and (becomes unintelligible) he-he's kind of a window to hell... and he also said that people in wheelchairs are are mentally retarded.
Troll #1: I know. Stephen Hawking?
Robert Simmons V: Doesn't fucking matter. He's fucking retarded. Evil Shenanigans... He thinks Clyde took Julie hostage that one time.
Troll #1: Yeah.
Robert Simmons V: He's like, "Ok, if you don't do-if you don't say you're gay I will lop off her arm," and he said "Oh, I-I'm a gaybian." Remember that?
Troll #1: Yeah, yeah.
Robert Simmons V: (laughs)
Troll #1: (mockingly) I'm gay
Robert Simmons V: I'm gay
Troll #1: I'm gay
(laughter)
Troll #1: I'm a male lesbian
(unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: I spoke to one of my friends after I called you and he's like, "That sucks." He's like, "Really?" (mocking) "No, not really..."
(laughter)
(random chatter, mostly unintelligible, much dealing with recent happenings with Chris)
Troll #1: Do you know what car he drives?
Robert Simmons V: Uh... probably the Son-chu car?
Troll #1: Do you remember what his parents drive?
Robert Simmons V: Shit, nah... I dunno.
(More chatter, Robert asks about a Pickle Suit)
00:06:27 - A Wild Chris-Chan Appears
(the sounds of people inside the church are heard)
Robert Simmons V: Hi, I'm Robert!
Chris: Robert Simmons the Fifth?
Robert Simmons V: Yes sir.
Chris: Oh my God. Ni-Nice to meet ya.
Robert Simmons V: That's good, that's good. I want to apologize my uh... my um Sonichufan1986 page was hacked by Clyde Cash, so... so I want to apologize for that in case I sent you weird emails or YouTube stuff.
Chris: (chuckles) Well, I understand. Nice to meet you, Bob.
Robert Simmons V: Is it okay if I come to church with you? I'm actually like here for us... you know, for my... vacation.
Chris: Sure, you know. You're welcome.
Robert Simmons V: Oh, Thank you.
Chris: Did you uh talk to Elizabeth our pastor?
Robert Simmons V: Oh, no. Do you know where I can find her?
Chris: Uh yeah, she's in her office if you want to go say hello.
Robert Simmons V: Okay. (walking) Hi! I don't mean to bother, I'm just here to just uh... I'm actually we're here on vacation meeting some people... Is it okay if I come to church though?
Elizabeth: Of course!
Robert Simmons V: Okay, awesome, thank you.
(more walking, random chatter)
Chris: My dad... you know (drown out by noise)
Robert Simmons V: Is your mom... is coming as well? Or is she feeling sick?
Chris: No... No she usually stays home.
Robert Simmons V: I see. So how's everything with you?
Chris: 'sigh' Things have been going good. Keepin... Keeping my distance from the ah instant messages and whatnot. Kind of... you know. It's been peacefull. Unfortunately the Sonichu site has been... uh... has been down for uh... 'bout a week-r... 'bout a week or two. Since uh... Yeah since my Yahoo account got... got uh hacked into... and all tha-and all that jazz.
Robert Simmons V: Mhm. Do you know who hacked it?
Chris: 'sigh' Yep. But I'd rather-I'd rather not talk about it.
Robert Simmons V: Okay. That's fine.
Chris: So did you hear about uh... did you hear about my recent, uh... internet romance with uh... Julie Movanya?
Robert Simmons V: Let me turn off my cell phone... Um...
00:09:18 - In Walked Bob
Chris: Yeah, me too... Oh, Dad, this is Robert Simmons the Fifth one of my Sonichu fans!
Robert Simmons V: How's it going, Mr. Chandler?
Chris: This is my father, Robert.
Bob Chandler: Let me just go on by ya here... Let me just go on by ya here...
Robert Simmons V: Oh, thank you sir.
Chris: (unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: How is everything?
Bob Chandler: I'm good.
Robert Simmons V: That's good.
Chris: I'll let you two chat for a bit I've gotta go (unintelligible)
Bob Chandler: Chris is really into that stuff.
Robert Simmons V: Yeah, so... Yeah... I'm sure that, like ... I've heard there's, like, a lot of things going on, though.
Bob Chandler: Yeah, he's got enemies all over the world.
Robert Simmons V: Yeah...
Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: Yeah... it's just a lot of jerks online.
Bob Chandler: I'm 81... and I've seen a lot of things in my life, and I've done a lot. But uh, whenever you're successful at something, from my experience, there are people that don't like that and they're out to get you for it.
Robert Simmons V: Yeah, people can't, you know, appreciate some success and be happy for them you have to feel jealousy for it though...
Bob Chandler: (laughs) Yeah, they want to knock you down.
Robert Simmons V: Yeah
Bob Chandler: Yeah, you know he's a high-functioning autistic, but he's come a looong way. I can remember, I was ticked off when he was six, and we were working with him and we didn't know what was wrong with him, and yet he didn't have the diagnosis.
Robert Simmons V: mhm.
Bob Chandler: I have a Commodore 64. If you've ever heard of those...
Robert Simmons V: Yeah, yeah! Um, my-my dad had one of those though, he also had... I think it's called Amiga?
Bob Chandler: That's an actual system. Anyway, I taught him how to do that, and he was loading discs on that Commodore 64 and playing with it before he could talk.
Robert Simmons V: (laughs)
Bob Chandler: And of course after that... they came along with all sorts of video games.
Robert Simmons V: yeah, yeah
Bob Chandler: (unintelligible) We got one of the first Nintendos... (unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: Yeah, I know how that is.
Bob Chandler: I remember this one, what did they call it? Mario World?
Robert Simmons V: Yeah, I've heard of that.
Bob Chandler: That one's I spent 150-200 hours... and and after I got through King Koopa... I couldn't get off of Yoshi's Island... and I'm an engineer... or was. I'm retired now.
Robert Simmons V: Uh huh.
Bob Chandler: And I couldn't remember how to get off of Yoshi's Island... I couldn't remember what was coming next, well he got up to King Koopa in two days.
Chris: (suddenly reappears) haha, did you get a copy of this weeks bulletin?
Bob Chandler: He gets these games and I'm the one who ends up paying for them and he keeps them-
Robert Simmons V: haha, there's always renting, though. So... you could just go to Blockbuster and rent games for a couple days.
Bob Chandler: I wish he'd do that, it'd save him some money.
Chris: hmm.
Bob Chandler: Save me some money...
Chris: Father, game's not so easy to beat nowadays... plus there's (unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: Yeah, that is true.
Bob Chandler: You go to school here?
Robert Simmons V: No, um I actually live in Christiansburg, So I'm meeting some-
Bob Chandler: You live in Christiansburg?
Robert Simmons V: Yes sir.
Bob Chandler: That's a long drive.
Robert Simmons V: Yes sir, it is
Chris: yeah...
Bob Chandler: That's up there near VPI, right?
Robert Simmons V: Yes sir, Virginia Tech
Bob Chandler: I was in (unintelligible) for a lot of years.
Robert Simmons V: Oh really?
Bob Chandler: I worked for GE down there for about 15 years, then got transferred to uh (unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: mhm
Bob Chandler: (unintelligible) I like the Johnson area, it's beautiful there
Robert Simmons V: Very pretty. Yeah, I was driving down here this-uh this morning though and I was surprised though. I-I've never really been here (unintelligible) I have a couple of friends here, and... it was really foggy though. Um, I believe that it was 64?
Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: yeah.
Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)
00:14:26 - The Love Quest Continues
Chris: (interrupts) Oh...Hey, uh father did uh Bob here tell ya that uh... you know it's funny you both are named Robert better yet you could both be called Bob! Yeah, anyway uh... he-uh he's been having trouble finding himself girlfriends too.
Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: yeah.
Chris: Yeah, by the way Bob, by the way Bob, uh for your information, uh... I've actually uh... after I spaced myself from the internets I made the fond decision to go back into uh local areas and start talking to girls, so I go-got some encouragement from Rocky. I also uh, I looked at this little uh, short picture-short uh red picture book by uh... that came from a 9-year old. Called "How to Talk to Girls".
Robert Simmons V: hmm. mhm.
Chris: It's by... Alec... Goldwin? Something like that? Anywa-Anyway it's like ten dollars. It's a good book.
Bob Chandler: You should tell him he's gotta (unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: yeah... Isn't there a dating service? That... isn't there? I'm sure there's a dating services around here, right?
Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: yeah, yeah.
Chris: Anyway, I talked to seven girls uh this last Thursday over at uh... Alderman library. So that was-that was a big start for me. I mana-I managed to get a phone number out of one of them but unfortunately it was a fa-Unfortunately it was a bad number. You know...
Robert Simmons V: Maybe, did you...
Chris: The number wasn't-It wasn't a number that was in service.
Robert Simmons V: oh...
Bob Chandler: (In the background, unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: mhm
Chris: F-F-Fortunately I was prepared for that... you know. (pauses for a few seconds) Anyway I was emotionally prepared for that, you know 'cause I'd seen a similar situation in an episode of Seinfeld... where... it was one where Elaine was giving was giving a fake phone number to most of the guys she met? And it went to this, uh... racing bet booth? And she's try-and at the end of the episode she's trying to... she-wrote the number on the back of her-on the back of a card that she ha-that she's like once punch away from getting a free sub! And she wanted that free sub!
Robert Simmons V: (laughs)
Chris: It's a funny episode... it's a funny episode... you watch Seinfeld?
Robert Simmons V: Um... I used to, though, but, I don't think at least where I'm from they don't really show it anymore though.
Chris: You can find it on the FOX stations or TBS...
Robert Simmons V: oh, okay
Chris: Yeah, actually you know two back-to-back episodes most every night 7, 7:30 on TBS.
Robert Simmons V: mhm... they also have Family Guy on TBS.
Chris: Yeah, hey. Did you see the latest episode of Family Guy?
Robert Simmons V: Probably not, no... I don't think so, it was-
Chris: It was last Sun-it was last Sunday. They isolated - and injected into Peter - the gay gene.
Robert Simmons V: Oh really?
Chris: It lasted for only two and a half weeks. Durli-d-d-during th-during like the first quarter of the-ah the episode, Peter bought for two dollars... a mentally challenged horse. Brain damaged. It was like-he was li-he always gave him like this blank stare...
Robert Simmons V: uh huh... so what'd he do with the horse?
Chris: (chuckles) He put th-He put the horse in the race and then the horse-
Robert Simmons V: Did it win?
Chris: No.
Robert Simmons V: (Laughs)
Chris: No, but the horse ran into the crowd and uh cause a whole bunch of chaos and then the horse died of a heart attack from the excitement.
Robert Simmons V: ohhh
Chris: And Peter chucked it into Mort's drug store... Mort's pharmacy.
Robert Simmons V: ahh... hmm.
Chris: And Mort's was like, "Oh, I like the days where they'd just throw... they'd just throw uh poo in a bag and uh...
Bob Chandler: (In the background, unintelligible)
00:18:10 - Seth MacFarlane & The Bible
Chris: Yeah but anyway, later on in- but anyway... Ahh but anyway later on in the same episode, uh Stewie... brings up a quote... from the Bible, That pretty much uh... spells out for-spells out best in a nutshell, which I did a short-
Robert Simmons V: Yeah, I saw that though... Leviticus?
Chris: Yeah, Leviticus 18:22. 'sigh' Right there. "No man will lie with a man as one lies with a woman. It is detestable." And then you can read the, uh... read the uh beforehand about uh... what was said to Moses, yadda yadda yadda, and then in the end what happens to those who... commit any of these uh... rules that are unlawful... in sexual relations includi-including animals. Doing it with animals, that's-that's just... detestable and bogus...
Robert Simmons V: What page is that? 101?
Chris: No no, it's- uh well mine's a different bible from theirs but you're-you're in the right area. Leviticus 18:22.
Robert Simmons V: Alright...
Chris: Yeah, my Bible is uh... different from the church's, uh... from this church's bible. I got mine from our uh... Reverend Shin of the uh... Korean church in Chesterfield County, dad?
Bob Chandler: That's right. It was Presbyterian... I wonder where they come for church... anyway they're mostly Presbyterian...
Chris: Yeah...
Robert Simmons V: mhmm
Chris: Anyway, It was a graduation gift from them.
Robert Simmons V: oh
Bob Chandler: (mostly unintelligible, what can be heard mentions spending time in North Korea)
Chris: Yeah, North Korea in the Signal Corps, right dad?
Bob Chandler: Before the Korean war, I was in Korea (the rest of the story becomes unintelligible due to crowd noise)
Chris: I will!
Robert Simmons V: oh okay
Bob Chandler: (assumed he continues his story, unintelligible due to crowd noise)
As Bob continues his story, Chris mumbles something.
Chris: Oh, Chapter One.... 18.
Bob continues talking, while Chris mumbles a bit more and does a "hmm" now and again. We hear shuffling through the pocket where the recorder is hidden.
Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: Um...
Bob Chandler: Blacksburg is over... over by there, isn't it?
Robert Simmons V: Yeah, they're-they're... Christiansburg and Blacksburg are right next to each other. Um... I had to go to 81 before I could get to 64.
Chris: hmmm
Bob Chandler: Yeah, 81 goes for a while then you make a turn and go north. (unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: Yeah, real foggy too and-
Bob Chandler: You drove down this morning, then?
Robert Simmons V: Yeah, fog and-I-I was wondering why they had lights on the road until it's all...
Bob Chandler: Well now you know... Yeah, that's... that's a pretty good drive (unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: Yeah
Chris: hmmm
Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: Yeah, it's about two and a half.
Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: (chuckles)
Chris: hmmm
Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: (laughs)
Chris: hmmm
Bob Chandler: That's the big blue ridge where we are... we live... we live just north of here in Ruckersville, and off to the west (unintelligible) about seven-eight miles (unintelligible)... you can see it from our front door.
Robert Simmons V: hmm.
Bob Chandler: In fact the western edge of it goes right along the parkway.
Robert Simmons V: oh really?
Chris: Uh Bob, would you-would you like to sign the registration pad?
Robert Simmons V: sure
Chris: Ju-Just sign it on this line, and you can optionally put in your phone number and address-
Robert Simmons V: okay
Chris: -you don't have to.
Robert Simmons V: ...alright
00:23:38 - The Service Begins
Robert Simmons V: here, you can have that back
Chris: Thanks... oh, just put it back in the pew.
Robert Simmons V: oh, okay.
Chris: There's one in the pew.
(30 seconds later...)
Chris: Hey, lemme see your pen for a second there, Bob.
(30 seconds later...)
Chris: There ya are. You hold onto that, 'cause that could be valuable one day.
Robert Simmons V: ...sure.
(something is mentioned about the piano needing to be fixed, it is turned into a joke about firewood)
Chris: aww
Chris: that's horrible
00:26:19-??:??:??
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(May God have mercy on your pitiful soul.)