Church audio
On 15 March 2009, Robert Simmons V and an undercover Man in the Pickle Suit visit Chris's church and approach the manchild in the flesh unsuspectingly.
The audio recording of this event lasts 1:47:48. Throughout, Chris's voice is much louder than everyone else's.
Chris says he's keeping his distance from instant messages. He'd rather not talk about who hacked his Yahoo! account. Bob is there, but Chris reveals that Barbara usually stays home.
Chris excuses himself to leave Bob to talk to Robert for a few minutes. Bob talks about jerks on the internet, Chris's condition, and early video games. When Chris comes back, he realizes that it's funny both Bob and Robert have the same name.
Chris talks about Robert's trouble with finding a girlfriend. Chris has made the final decision to talk to local girls instead of ones on the internet. He's gotten encouragement from Rocky with How to Talk to Girls. He talked to 7 girls just last Thursday at Alderman Library, but got a fake number. Chris was emotionally prepared for the fake number from Seinfeld. Bob mentions the Sonichu Girls club.
Chris rambles on about Family Guy and Stewie quoting the bible against homosexuality. His copy of the bible with Leviticus is different from the church's because it was a graduation gift from Reverend Shin of the Korean church in Chesterfield County. Bob talks about North Korea.
After asking Robert for a pen, Chris makes his signature and hands it to Robert, saying it could be valuable one day.
They start reciting verses and singing hymns for many minutes. Chris gets to pick a verse for everyone to sing. Bob gets the second pick. Then other people pick. Chris wails over everyone else in some of them.
Afterward, Robert reunites with the other troll. They drive away contemplating on Leviticus and raping Emiry.
Transcript
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Robert Simmons V: It's rolling now, so... (noise and pops) Is it recording still? Yes it is. Oh yeah. Not good. (a few seconds pass) Citizens of the Internet! This is Robert Simmons V, better known as Sonichufan1985, -1986 and now, -1987. I wish you all a good morning! The reason I am talking today on this voice recorder is to talk about about how I'm gonna meet Mr. Christian Chandler, my personal hero. Now, although if you're looking at my old account, Sonichufan1986, you would think that I don't like Mr. Chandler. That's a lie, a slanderous lie.
(unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: Maybe I should just talk normal. You think he wouldn't even fuckin'...
Troll #1: Okay, you heard Julie, right?
Robert Simmons V: Yeah
Troll #1: So you heard that.
Robert Simmons V: Yeah. I'll just talk like he's probably still a threat.
Troll #1: (Does an impersonation of Chris, unintelligible quote)
Robert Simmons V: We're doing it now. Did you hear about that quote?
Troll #1: Yeah yeah yeah, there's this retard or something...?
Robert Simmons V: Yeah we were talking about it on IRC and (becomes unintelligible) he-he's kind of a window to hell... and he also said that people in wheelchairs are are mentally retarded.
Troll #1: I know. Stephen Hawking?
Robert Simmons V: Doesn't fucking matter. He's fucking retarded. Evil Shenanigans... He thinks Clyde took Julie hostage that one time.
Troll #1: Yeah.
Robert Simmons V: He's like, "Ok, if you don't do-if you don't say you're gay I will lop off her arm," and he said "Oh, I-I'm a gaybian." Remember that?
Troll #1: Yeah, yeah.
Robert Simmons V: (laughs)
Troll #1: (mockingly) I'm gay
Robert Simmons V: I'm gay
Troll #1: I'm gay
(laughter)
Troll #1: I'm a male lesbian
(unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: I spoke to one of my friends after I called you and he's like, "That sucks." He's like, "Really?" (mocking) "No, not really..."
(laughter)
(random chatter, mostly unintelligible, much dealing with recent happenings with Chris)
Troll #1: Do you know what car he drives?
Robert Simmons V: Uh... probably the Son-chu car?
Troll #1: Do you remember what his parents drive?
Robert Simmons V: Shit, nah... I dunno.
(More chatter, Robert asks about a Pickle Suit)
(the sounds of people inside the church are heard)
Robert Simmons V: Hi, I'm Robert!
Chris: Robert Simmons the Fifth?
Robert Simmons V: Yes sir.
Chris: Oh my God. Ni-Nice to meet ya.
Robert Simmons V: That's good, that's good. I want to apologize my uh... my um Sonichufan1986 page was hacked by Clyde Cash, so... so I want to apologize for that in case I sent you weird emails or YouTube stuff.
Chris: (chuckles) Well, I understand. Nice to meet you, Bob.
Robert Simmons V: Is it okay if I come to church with you? I'm actually like here for us... you know, for my... vacation.
Chris: Sure, you know. You're welcome.
Robert Simmons V: Oh, Thank you.
Chris: Did you uh talk to Elizabeth our pastor?
Robert Simmons V: Oh, no. Do you know where I can find her?
Chris: Uh yeah, she's in her office if you want to go say hello.
Robert Simmons V: Okay. (walking) Hi! I don't mean to bother, I'm just here to just uh... I'm actually we're here on vacation meeting some people... Is it okay if I come to church though?
Elizabeth: Of course!
Robert Simmons V: Okay, awesome, thank you.
(more walking, random chatter)
Chris: My dad... you know (drown out by noise)
Robert Simmons V: Is your mom... is coming as well? Or is she feeling sick?
Chris: No... No she usually stays home.
Robert Simmons V: I see. So how's everything with you?
Chris: 'sigh' Things have been going good. Keepin... Keeping my distance from the ah instant messages and whatnot. Kind of... you know. It's been peacefull. Unfortunately the Sonichu site has been... uh... has been down for uh... 'bout a week-r... 'bout a week or two. Since uh... Yeah since my Yahoo account got... got uh hacked into... and all tha-and all that jazz.
Robert Simmons V: Mhm. Do you know who hacked it?
Chris: 'sigh' Yep. But I'd rather-I'd rather not talk about it.
Robert Simmons V: Okay. That's fine.
Chris: So did you hear about uh... did you hear about my recent, uh... internet romance with uh... Julie Movanya?
Robert Simmons V: Let me turn off my cell phone... Um...
Chris: Yeah, me too... Oh, Dad, this is Robert Simmons the Fifth one of my Sonichu fans!
Robert Simmons V: How's it going, Mr. Chandler?
Chris: This is my father, Robert.
Bob Chandler: Let me just go on by ya here... Let me just go on by ya here...
Robert Simmons V: Oh, thank you sir.
Chris: (unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: How is everything?
Bob Chandler: I'm good.
Robert Simmons V: That's good.
Chris: I'll let you two chat for a bit I've gotta go (unintelligible)
Bob Chandler: Chris is really into that stuff.
Robert Simmons V: Yeah, so... Yeah... I'm sure that, like ... I've heard there's, like, a lot of things going on, though.
Bob Chandler: Yeah, he's got enemies all over the world.
Robert Simmons V: Yeah...
Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: Yeah... it's just a lot of jerks online.
Bob Chandler: I'm 81... and I've seen a lot of things in my life, and I've done a lot. But uh, whenever you're successful at something, from my experience, there are people that don't like that and they're out to get you for it.
Robert Simmons V: Yeah, people can't, you know, appreciate some success and be happy for them you have to feel jealousy for it though...
Bob Chandler: (laughs) Yeah, they want to knock you down.
Robert Simmons V: Yeah
Bob Chandler: Yeah, you know he's a high-functioning autistic, but he's come a looong way. I can remember, I was ticked off when he was six, and we were working with him and we didn't know what was wrong with him, and yet he didn't have the diagnosis.
Robert Simmons V: mhm.
Bob Chandler: I have a Commodore 64. If you've ever heard of those...
Robert Simmons V: Yeah, yeah! Um, my-my dad had one of those though, he also had... I think it's called Amiga?
Bob Chandler: That's an actual system. Anyway, I taught him how to do that, and he was loading discs on that Commodore 64 and playing with it before he could talk.
Robert Simmons V: (laughs)
Bob Chandler: And of course after that... they came along with all sorts of video games.
Robert Simmons V: yeah, yeah
Bob Chandler: (unintelligible) We got one of the first Nintendos... (unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: Yeah, I know how that is.
Bob Chandler: I remember this one, what did they call it? Mario World?
Robert Simmons V: Yeah, I've heard of that.
Bob Chandler: That one's I spent 150-200 hours... and and after I got through King Koopa... I couldn't get off of Yoshi's Island... and I'm an engineer... or was. I'm retired now.
Robert Simmons V: Uh huh.
Bob Chandler: And I couldn't remember how to get off of Yoshi's Island... I couldn't remember what was coming next, well he got up to King Koopa in two days.
Chris: (suddenly reappears) haha, did you get a copy of this weeks bulletin?
Bob Chandler: He gets these games and I'm the one who ends up paying for them and he keeps them-
Robert Simmons V: haha, there's always renting, though. So... you could just go to Blockbuster and rent games for a couple days.
Bob Chandler: I wish he'd do that, it'd save him some money.
Chris: hmm.
Bob Chandler: Save me some money...
Chris: Sorry, game's not so easy to beat nowadays... plus there's (unintelligible)
Robert Simmons V: Yeah, that is true.
Bob Chandler: You go to school here?
Robert Simmons V: No, um I actually live in Christiansburg, So I'm meeting some-
Bob Chandler: You live in Christiansburg?
Robert Simmons V: Yes sir.
Bob Chandler: That's a long drive.
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(May God have mercy on your pitiful soul.)