Rescuing Kacey From Christian W Chandler

Rescuing Kacey From Christian W Chandler is a video Ian Brandon Anderson uploaded on 3 November 2009. Instead of making more of the comic, Ian decided to make a creepy LittleBigPlanet level for his sweetheart Kacey instead. (Actually he recycles the "First Date Level" he originally made for Julie in Valentine's Day 2009.)

Once again, he shows us the only skill where he doesn't fail, his capacity of playing video games made for kids. Previous attempts at this type of video have been done on Animal Crossing. Those video productions are the only ways he found to achieve any decent result in a self-made product.

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Transcript

0:00 - A Sackboy with an orange moptop and glasses appears. Presumably this is meant to represent Ian. The interior of Ian's LBP Pod (a sort of home base in the game) is adorned with Sonichu pics shoddily taken with Ian's Playstation Eye.

0:17 - After 17 seconds of fuck-all happening, Ian eventually opens the level he designed for Kacey. Its description reads "Hey Kacey. Instead of a comic, I thought I'd do better with a Level in LittleBIGPlanet. Enjoy."

0:43 - Ian gets stuck for a good 8 seconds in his own hideous level. Finally, he enters a house.

0:47 - Sudden jump-cut out of "Play" mode to "Edit" mode, since Ian's level is too broken to get through the whole thing accurately.

0:50 - Ian activates a speech bubble; the 'voice' that plays sounds appropriately fat and stupid. Speech bubble reads: "Chris! Let Kacey Be! She has left you and come to me; She is Mine. Come, my Love!"

0:55 - We see Ian's Sackboy meant to represent Liquid, which is just the Ian Sackboy with brown hair. The Kacey Sackgirl can be seen as well. Liquid responds, the voice that plays laughing maniacally "No! I WILL Have Her! Alive! I'm coming after You, Christian!"

1:00 - Kacey Sackgirl responds, "Christian, Help Me!" The voice that plays seems unconcerned, though the sackgirl does have the "sad" emote activated.

1:22 - 20 seconds of awkward shuffling as Solid tries to control both his and Liquid's Sackboy. As there are three Sack-people on the screen, it can be inferred that Ian owns at least 3 PS3 controllers, despite the fact that he has no one to play with. Solid's Sackboy finds a paintgun and uses it to fire on Liquid.

1:47 - Solid and Kacey abscond in a van. Since Solid didn't turn off Liquid's controller, the camera zooms out considerably to compensate for the Sackboy left behind.

2:06 - Sudden jump cut as Solid turns off Liquid's controller, as he and Kacey enter a house virtually identical to the one they just left.

2:16 - Solid meets Kacey's family, who are represented by cutoust instead of actual Sackpeople. Kacey's brother says, "Yo, Christian. Thank you for rescuing my sister from that crazy sumbitch."

2:22 - Kacey's father chimes in, "Yes, my boy, you have done a great service. I salute you, good sir."

2:25 - Another family member (it's not clear who) says, "I would have had my guys at work hunt that by down to get Kacey back. Thank You, Christian."

2:27 - The last family member outright lies, "Wow, Kacey, you can sure pick out a hot man! In comparison, that other guy was a twer."

2:30 - Kacey (who is still using the "sad" emote from earlier) laments, "Come on, Christian, my dad said it's cool to hange with me in my room."

2:45 - After struggling to maneuver both Sack People to the bedroom, Solid's Sackboy hops on Kacey's bed and speaks, "I'll take you out for a fun date tomorrow, Kacey." Unlike other parts of the level, the "speaking mouth" tool from the game that produces text balloons isn't hidden, and is instead glued to the bottom of the bed, making it look like the bed itself is talking.

2:49 - The lights dim as Kacey joins Solid in bed.

2:53 - Kacey responds while laughing, "Awesome." Yes, with a sarcastic looking period.

2:57 - Jump Cut to Ian and Kacey in Ian's pod. Apparently Ian couldn't figure out how to add the date as part of the previous level.

2:59 - Solid chooses the level "A First Fun Date". The description reads, "This is a fun level, most suitable for (Straight) Couples. Although there IS a a route for the single without a date. Happy Valentines Day, 2009, from Christian Weston Chandler. ;)"

3:15 - Kacey dances for about 16 seconds while the level loads.

3:41 - Ian struggles to navigate the sack people out of the house at the beginning.

3:47 - The lighting suddenly turns dark and ominous as the two exit the building.

4:10 - Ian wastes 23 seconds getting both characters up a slide, having obvious difficulty the whole time.

4:13 - They enter a playground.

4:28 - Ian tries to push Kacey in a swing, but struggles too much with controlling both characters and she falls out.

4:52 - They finally get out of the playground, approaching a roller coaster. A sign is the background is basically illegible at this resolution combined with the ominous lighting.

5:14 - Ian and Kacey take off in the rocket-powered roller coaster.

5:27 - After a short ride that is far too complex for Ian to have produced it himself (as evidence by the fact that not all the parts of it match up, since he had to compensate for the original pieces' design in comparison to what he was trying to create), the pair finish their roller coaster ride.

5:39 - Taking almost as much time to get off as the actual ride lasted, Ian and Kacey enter a room adorned with a big heart.

6:06 - They just stand there for a while. The room is revealed to be an elevator, and it lowers them to ground level.

6:11 - They approach a sign that seems to say "Little Petit Cafe"

6:15 - A skeletal waiter (actually a Butler from the story mode) greets Ian and Kacey, "Ah, Moseiur, Chandler! We have the table ready for you and your Lovely Woman. Right this way." Just as a reminder, this level was originally made for Valentine's day 2009, when Ian was obviously all alone.

6:27 - Ian and Kacey approach a table, where a large, homophobic candle appears to begin talking to them, "Sit, Converse, Eat. Enjoy each other's company, you (Straight) Lovebirds."

6:34 - A nearby patron says, "Single? Pull a lever behind table."

6:43 - Ian and Kacey hop onto the chairs, which have large buttons on them, activating a switch.

6:57 - Nothing appears to happen. The Kacey sackperson hops across the table to join Ian, and manages to burn her ass on the homophobic candle on the way.

7:05 - Ian and Kacey leave the restaurant, with their wanton button-pressing dissolving the back wall. The lights dim, with stars hanging in the sky.

7:26 - After walking down a long, largely featureless pathway, Ian and Kacey approach a facsimile of the house from earlier.

8:02 - Again, Ian struggles to navigate through the house that he himself built. Exasperated of the man-child's antics, the Kacey Sackgirl sits down and waits impatiently for him to figure out how to work a flight of stairs.

8:08 - Ian finally gets to the second story, but it's a three story house.

8:24 - After getting his own Sackboy through the maze of the house, it's finally Kacey's turn to brave the labyrinth.

8:31 - Even when controlled by Ian directly, Kacey remains much more capable, easily navigating Ian's made geometry.

8:43 - Level Complete!

8:49 - Kacey stomps Ian in the points race, capturing 90% of the level's points for herself. A crowd cheers and confetti bursts as Ian stands with a stupid grin.

9:02 - For whatever reason, Ian doesn't just cut out the video there.

9:19 - Ian navigates both sackpeople until they're standing next to each other. He turns their heads to look at each other, but Sack-Ian immediately just stares at Kacey's tits.

9:27 - After 8 more seconds of awkward silence, the video just ends.