The Kevin and Bean Show Segment
The Kevin and Bean Show Segment is an 8-minute radio clip from May 2009, in which the hosts of the self-titled The Kevin and Bean Show on KROQ-FM in California find one of Chris's Captain's Logs and comment on it. For the most part of it, they are horrified; so horrified that they spend two and a half minutes playing "Viewer Discretion is Advised" warnings before they play it.
Viewer discretion is advised
Bean: --he's just a weird, geeky guy and he-- [audio cuts off] ...you're not usually a stellar choice, but tomorrow, you'll find out why it's 'Top Gun Day'. Apparently there's a new holiday joining the calender, guys, that we didn't know about. Top Gun Day.
Bean: Find out more about that, also actor Steve Zahn's gonna be joining us tomorrow. Look, uh, this video we're about to talk about is up at the Kevin and Bean section of KROQ.com. I'm wondering if this is a real guy with, you know, he's just a weird geeky guy and he's speaking from the heart or if this is going to turn out to be the next "Borat". This is some sort of comedy genius [Lisa May: Wow.] and this is just a crazy character he's created. What do you guys think?
Kevin: Hold up one second.
Viewer discretion warning 1: The reenactments and commentary in this program may contain frank talk of a sexual nature. Viewer discretion is advised. [Bean laughs during this]
Bean: Alright, now that we got that in...
Kevin: H-Hang on.
Viewer discretion warning 2: This program contains adult language and subject matter, viewer discretion advised.
Bean: Right, so he turns the camera...
Viewer discretion warning 3: This program contains sexually explicit dialogue. Viewer discretion is advised.
Bean: He's a guy, he looks like he's--
Viewer discretion warning 4: [an audio clip of Cartman from South Park] These images may be too shocking for young children.
Kevin: Alright, 'kay, go ahead.
Bean: --he's sitting, he's sitting in a--
Viewer discretion warning 5: A warning: some of what you're about to see and hear is explicit.
Kevin: Alright, go ahead.
Bean: --he seems to be sitting in his bedroom and he is describing things that he likes to do and I can't imagine-- I mean, I don't-- I can't put myself in the position of a guy who would want to video tape this and put it up on the internet for people to know these sorts of things about him so I figure, well, there must be some other reason he's got.
Kevin It sounds-- by the way, if he's an actor, he's a genius.
Lisa May: Yes.
Kevin: It sounds like he's gotten some responses to videos that he has already video taped of himself and put up online. And other--
Bean: He also has his own little YouTube channel, [Kevin: Yes.] and he's developed a cult of people who can't believe the stuff that he talks about.
Viewer discretion warning 6: Parental discretion is advised.
Bean: Alright, so, um, this is him...
Viewer discretion warning 7: The American Humane Association monitored the animal action. No animal was harmed in the making of this program. [Lisa May laughs during this]
Bean: Alright, here we go.
Viewer discretion warning 8: If you have little children and you allow them to listen to the following conversation, you are a bad parent. A really bad parent. You are seriously [censored] up. You with your illegitimate kids and your bad judgment and whatnot. [Bean, throughout: Alright. Alright, okay.]
Bean: Alright. He's a little bit of an overweight guy with a receding hairline, he's wearin' the, y'know, the polo shirt, and he's in what looks like his bedroom with... it has to be dozens and dozens of action figures behind him. He looks like he'd be a sci-fi geek.
Kevin: He looks like--
Bean: He's not talking about sci-fi.
Kevin: He looks like he's in his late... twenties, maybe even thirty. Which makes--
Lisa May: Aging badly.
Kevin: Which makes it all the more disturbing.
Lisa May: Yeah.
Viewer discretion warning 9: This program contains graphic images that may be disturbing to sensitive viewers. The people profiled all survived. Discretion is advised. [Bean: Alright...]
[The presenters all laugh]
Bean: You won't wanna survive though after you hear it, here's the-- here's the dude.
Playing the video
Bean: Anyone that starts with Captain's Log, Stardate...
Lisa May: Yeah.
Kevin: You've got a guy who believes he's living on the bridge of the Enterprise.
Bean: That's correct, yes.
- Chris: Uhh... a-about... it's- it's a...good idea some-uhhh, if uh it's a good idea, but, uh.
Kevin: Now, he's referring to a video that he put up that people are questioning.
Lisa May: Mkay.
Kevin: They're saying, "Why would you do that?". So he's referring to-- I think it's a good idea if it doesn't bother you, but if it does bother you, then you don't have to do it.
Bean: What's he talking about?
Kevin: ... you'll find out.
- Chris: You know you don't have to do it if you don't like it, but... I recycle my own [here, the word "semen" has been beeped out.]
Bean: Oh, wow.
- Chris: Yes, I recycle it.
Bean: Okay, you could use your imagination, but it's something that comes out of the body.
Kevin: Yeah and it's... yeah.
Bean: And by the way... it seems to me, I think this is a rule of thumb, nothing that comes out of the body, needs to be saved or recycled...
Kevin: [Laughs in the background]
Lisa May: No...
Bean: ...or treasured, right.
Lisa May: ...no, just let it go.
Bean: Whatever fluids or solids you're imagining right now, all of those should be done away with, there's a reason they're expelled from the body, no reason to try to save that stuff.
Kevin: That's correct. Or recyc-- this is taking recycling maybe a little too far, is what we're saying.
- Chris: Anyway, the—anyway, af—from after that the, uh, second topic, the, uh, one where I spanked myself.
Bean: Okay, here's another video he's talking about where he apparently spanks himself.
- Chris: Yeah, I just, uh, I was doin' that for fun, because, y'know, sometimes I do random, silly, crazy things...
- Chris: and, uh... sometimes adults feel pleasure from pain...
Kevin: Alright, now this is where he gets into his big thing which is "I'm an adult, and adults act this way".
Lisa May: Is he assuming I'm a child?
Kevin: I don't know what he's assuming.
Lisa May: Because he's kind of talking to me like I'm a child.
Kevin: But I can tell you that I've never done this, I've never really spanked myself on camera.
Lisa May: But you're an adult!
Kevin: But I've never done-- I've never spanked myself on camera.
Lisa May: Huh.
- Chris: ...even when they, uh, do it to themselves. Just, like, you know, spanking is, uh, generally a pop— generally a popular type, uh, thing amongst adults. And then the, uh, third topic which was the—uh, the photographs of, uh, me in, uh... 'dult diapers.
Kevin: Okay so the dude... the dude recycles when he shouldn't.
Lisa May: Right.
Kevin: Uh, the dude spanks, and now the dude wears diapers.
Lisa May: Why does the dude wear diapers?
- Chris:...regalry—legularly I, uh, do not use them, but I just felt like trying a pair on. And it was okay.
Kevin: He felt like trying a pair on, he wanted to see what the sensation was like!
Lisa May: They're diapers!
Bean: How busy is this guy that he can't walk from his bedroom to the bathroom? Now, and here's where it gets interesting, because he again refers to the fact that he's an adult and who hasn't worn a diaper? [Lisa May laughs] Y'know, like, who hasn't done that?
- Chris: ...and sometimes I do, uh, I get very stressed out, [Kevin: Mhm.] it just tends to just build up and sometimes, I just have to—it just comes out, and I sometimes accidentally, uh... poo my pants. But I mean, who hasn't in their lifetime, I mean, [bleep] their underwear...
Kevin: Umm, me?
Lisa May: Me too?
Bean: Everyone, probably?
Lisa May: Put me in that category.
Kevin: Who hasn't? So first he says "I wanted to feel the sensation- I wanted to feel what it was like", but then who hasn't needed one, and had to have one?
Lisa May: Wooooow.
- Chris: ...at least once in their lifetime. I mean, we're only human.
Bean: That's true.
- Chris: ...nothing to be ashamed of. And...
Kevin: I'd like to suggest that there is something to be ashamed of if you're doing that to yourself.
Lisa May: [laughing] Yes, I agree.
Kevin: Perhaps that should be, there should be some shame involved.
Bean: But I go back to my original question before we heard from this nutjob, is why would you put stuff like this up there on the internet? Is it a sexual turn-on to talk about this stuff or is he playing us? What do you guys think?
Lisa May: I don't think he's playing us!
Kevin: I don't know if he's playing us and I...I don't know if it's in the tape because we did have to edit some of it believe it or not for standards and practices and whatnot, but I get the suggestion that he was being asked to do it by a girl.
Lisa May: Well, if that guy's got a girl he should do whatever she says.
[the others laugh]
Bean: Never get another one.
- Chris: And to those who find it amusing, uh, I respectfully disagree with their opinions.
- Chris: With that, I just want to continue to make it perfectly clear that I am a healthy, [Kevin: Mhm.] growing, [Kevin: Right.] sane, [Kevin: Mhm.] and sound-minded, uh, adult individual.
Bean: Yep! We'll make that count!
- Chris: And I should continue to be treated and respected as an equal among the human population just as anybody else.
Bean: I'm gonna say "no".
[Lisa is overcome with laughter]
Bean: How did he have time to film this video when Star Trek opened this weekend?
Kevin: I don't know. And he's holding a video game controller! He's not playing a video game but he's holding it and messing with it the whole time he's talking.
Bean and Lisa: Wow.
Kevin: Like it's a security blanket or something, helps him feel a bit better about it.
Sound Bite: This is finally the best reason-- the best, most solid justification I've heard for the Internet.
[Presenters laugh, tape ends]