Get-Tar Region

"July 20, 2005: … I was at the new Target store, just hanging around, not bothering anyone. And, from out of the blue, these two Manajerks asked me to leave, because they said that I was loitering; I was NOT! I was there hoping to find an 18-23-year old, Boyfriend-Free girl, like I usually do. Then, from out of the blue, after I told them off, they came back with two Jerkops! I was slightly intimidated, but mostly annoyed and ready to strike back on them. They asked me to leave, and never return. I did not want to leave. I would have left peacefully, in fact, I was ready to go, but I had a prepared speech to say to them stupid Jerkops. And, during the middle of my speech, they chased me, pulled my pants, and pinned me to the floor. Five Jerkops dog-piled on me as I struggled to get free. A thousand pounds of sausages on my 180 pound body was seriously a cut-off for my Breathing Flow. They handcuffed my wrists and legs, and they hog-tied me! Not only did I felt humiliated from being the victim, but I was angry at them! Not only for handcuffing me, but once again thwarting my efforts in trying to find a Boyfriend-Free Girl. They drove me to the county jail, but fortunately, they did not keep me there; I was released to my family. But now I have to go to court on July 29 at 9:00 AM at the Albemarle County Courthouse, close to the Downtown Mall. So now, I feel very miserable, sad, lonely and rejected. And, while I had the handcuffs on me, both my hands, mostly my right, were seriously cut off from blood flow, and they both felt numb. It was terrible. But my mother and I are going to get back at them in court, in fact, I learned that the Jerkop who arrested me was called Bagget (that was the only thing about the situation that was hilarious; replace the “B” with an “F,” and you can see how funny it was). --Christian Weston Chandler, comic genius

The above was basically Chris's personal 9/11. Planes into buildings? That's nothing. He got handcuffed.

The incident distressed Chris so greatly that he adapted it into Subepisodes 7 and 8 of Sonichu #4, entitled "Off-Target". "Cleverly" renaming the Target the "Get-Tar Region", the story seems surprisingly faithful to what really happened that day, at least until the swordfight and the part where his imaginary twin sister saves him from a Transformer.

What's interesting to note about the story is how Chris betrays himself in his attempt to whitewash the story to make himself the hero. At the beginning of "Off-Target", he all but admits that he plans to use the new locale to sit around all day drawing comics and waiting for teetotaling Aryan supermodels to show up and bear his children.

"This is a great set-up.. an open bar facing the path to the exit, a dollar for a drink with free refills, and all the ladies will have to walk by me. I'm bound to be found by a Boyfriend free, 18-23-Year old girl now. Especially since this Love Quest has been going on for about two years now. Toodie-Froodie, drawing comics all day long. Only three days since I skipped my last deadline! :)" --Christian Weston Chandler, Sonichu #4

So by Chris's own admission, his intention was to pay the good people at Target a dollar a day to let him sit in their store and bother female customers until he gets laid or dies, whichever comes first. Strangely, the management wasn't really thrilled with this arrangement, and as the comic shows, Chris clearly can't understand why.

Instead of focusing on the Manajerks/Jerkops' motivations, Chris simply infers that they despise him for being an autistic virgin, and places the most attention on the indignity he suffered from his arrest. Hence, the comic shows Chris being tackled (albeit by a giant robot), hog-tied (complete with apple), and hauled off for trail (by Mary Lee Walsh, in a scene ripped off from "Transformers the Movie").

In another example of how selfish Chris really is, he essentially writes his own mother out of the story, and has Crystal rescue him instead. That's gratitude for you.

7-20-2005 NEVAR FORGET

• 

  Summary of Chris's agenda at the Get-Tar Region

• 

  The Jerkhief puts his thousand pound sausage in Chris

• 

  The Passion of the Chris