Lars Call

Lars, with boat

“	The fuck that shit be??	”
Lars, questioning on what autism is

The Lars Call is a ninety-minute phone conversation where Chris discusses with Jackie's ex-boyfriend Lars addictions, a parade he promised Jackie, what he would do for a woman, and boats. Chris gets comfortable with ebonics, and hilarity ensues.

Summary

• Jackie had an involuntary abortion thanks to Lars
• Lars getting rid of his boats, Chris gets rid of his Legos
• Lars didn't finish school because people played Kick the Nigga
• Lars doesn't understand autism, after Chris's explanation, he thought it was Asperger's and Down Syndrome
• Chris whines about trolls, not getting a job, and being called a homo. Lars hears him
• Chris doesn't like when people say "gay" as in stupid, Lars doesn't like when people say "nigga" out of context
• Sonichu (didn't see that coming), Chris incorporates IRL enemies. Lars tells him to continue the comic in order to conquer the trolls
• Lars says Jackie is upset because she isn't an inspiration for Chris to do the comic, and he sometimes doesn't do what he tells her he will.
• Chris tells Lars he's a virgin, Lars says that explains his rage against the trolls.
• Chris rewrites the comic so he doesn't kill "Alec Benson Nigga"
• Jackie better not burn that casserole.
• Chris promised a parade for Alec to Jackie, Chris denies it, Lars has the e-mail proving he did.
• Jackie initially broke up with Lars because he told her he'd lose the boats, and he didn't. Chris feels him. Chris is Lars's Nigga
• Chris is willing to give up the Moon and Mercury if he had it, for Jackie. He's really giving up video games, but he won't sell his "PS Triple"
• Lars spent $35,000 on six credit cards for boats. He won't let addiction rule his life anymore
• Chris swears on the grave on his Aunt Corina he will not spend anymore on his PS3 (at least it wasn't Patti)
• Lars spent 9 months as a volunteer at a hospital enjoying the sight of old white men dying
• More bitching about trolls.
• Lars and Chris talk about their criminal records, Lars makes trespassing sound bad ass
• Chris apparently turns into a nigga himself as about halfway in and speaks in Ebonics (off and on) the remainder of the call
• Chris would shoot Michael Snyder if he had the chance. Michael was just looking for a reason to ban Chris
• Lars gives Chris a scenario of someone breaking in. Chris says he's strong and would kick their ass (only if they hit first)
• Chris likes Black people on TV. Lars gets mildly offended upon hearing how Chris likes "Sanford & Son". They both hold up their fists in solidarity.
• The conversation goes back to Jackie, they wonder why Jackie is mad at Chris.
• Chris claims that he will make things right
• Lars tells Chris that his dick is four inches of straight goodness
• Lars burned his boats because he wants Jackie back and suggested that Chris burn his PS3 to get Jackie back.
• Lars thinks he has the upper hand over Chris in the competition over Jackie. He was known as "Ram-rod" in High School
• Chris talks about his Cherokee heritage. He's not a "casino nigga" He beats the stereotype that Native Americans have jobs.
• Lars respects Chris trying to win Jackie back, while Lars is "ramrodding" her
• Chris talks about destroying his first PS3, Lars questions why he got a second one. Chris says he needs it as a computer. Lars asks why he didn't get a computer instead
• Lars tells Chris to improve himself whether Jackie stays with him or not.
• Jackie can't come to the phone, she's taking a massive shit courtesy of Taco Bell
• Chris whines that making changes is too hard.
• Lars says Chris is afraid of women, Chris denies it
• Chris didn't have Taco Bell, he had a fish fillet for dinner.
• Lars lost his virginity at 10, he was scared.
• Lars tells Chris if he loses the PSTriple, his ass will be kicked out on the street and Jackie will be at Chris' doorstep the following day
• Lars concludes with the fist of solidarity, He will bang Jackie when she gets out of the bathroom.
• Chris promises Honesty to Lars, He wants Jackie AND video games
• Chris likes orange soda
• Lars didn't know what Kenan & Kel or Nickelodeon was, he goes to fuck Jackie.
• They say Goodnight

Transcript

Jackie: [In shrill, forced enthusiasm] Oh hi Chris, it's Jackie! How are you?

Chris: ... Oh ... Jackie ... Hi.

Jackie: Well I got your email!-

Chris: Well- ...... Yeah. Oh uhhh. Yep. What's a ... What's ... a ... (sounds of frantic typing) what's .. a what's ... uh your response there?

Jackie: Um, sorry I missed your- missed you last night, I just didn't know if you'd be around! Listen, I'm going to turn you over to Lars right now, and I'll be listening. So you-

Chris: Oh.

Jackie: -two boys play nice, ok?

Chris: Um, ok.

Jackie: Lars!

Lars: Yo! ... (unintelligible)

Chris: ... hmm, Hello?

Lars: Yo!, yo-yo-yo. Who dis at?

Chris: ....

Lars: Yo dawg?

Chris: ...

Lars:[Clearly a white man] Yo who did-did? Yo this be Lars and shit, who dis?

Chris: Ugh, this is Christian.

Lars; Yo! yo, Christian C. How y'all doin' dawg?

Chris: Um, I'm-fu- I'm fairing out. How are you?

Lars: Doin' alright nigga. Shit. Yo I'll be honest with y'all dawg. I ain't wanna do this call and shit at first, y'know? You diggin' and shit? Bet y'all prolly felt the same way, and shit.

Chris: ...

Lars: But then my-m, my girl Jackie, she be all like: Bitch, you best be doin' this call! Lest I'll be all breakin' up you with y'all and shit. So I be like doin' the call and shit.

Chris: ...

Lars: Yo dawg-

Chris: ... Ye-

Lars: -what you wanna talk about?

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