Kill De Jack

"Kill De Jack" (officially "12252009 - KillDeJack.mp4") is a video uploaded on 25 December 2009 where Chris calls for the murder of Jack Thaddeus on the feast of the Prince of Peace (which Chris admits is "not very Christmassey") and complains about the gay banner ads on CWCipedia and the recent Times Square billboard where he's supposedly seen in a gay bar.

Note that Chris is sporting a wireless headset for the first time in this video, which the Monthly Tugboat probably got for him on Christmas. God knows when he would actually need it, but it is speculated that Chris just thinks he looks cool in it.

Video

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Transcript

Captain's Log, Stardate: Christmas Day, 2009.

I'm not going to beat around the bush even though the title of the video is not very Christmassey, I have to use the camera that gives me skips in the audio because my camera's battery is being—is being so...

[Chris raises his claw and sighs.]

Anyway... I'm very angry at that Jack Thaddeus! He thinks he can get away with dragging the CWCipedia down into a hellhole with the... ads he put up there. [sigh] It makes me sick. EEERRRRRGGHHHH! [pause, sigh] Anyways, he thinks he's all high and mighty with that dang voices. (switches to an incredibly retarded voice, which is hard to understand) blah-de-blah-de-blah! [blows raspberry] Anyway, [sigh] I'm so sick of him! Eerrrgh! I'm suck sick of those ads, and I'm not the only person who's sick of those goddamn ads.

Every last one of those... homosexual ads... Argh! I'm so mad! Argh! You know, [raises claw] Jack Thaddeus is nothing but a snivelling coward! Goddamn coward. And he h—he does not have even one Euro to his name, only American dollars... like about two hundred. And you know, that doesn't even cover 2000 euros, which, unfortunately, the euro is stronger than the American dollar at the time. Sad really. Anyway, [video stutters] on his ass. Anyway, I want those goddamn homosexual ads down! Enrgh! And also, another note: I'm a little frustrated about that billboard too! That's a lie! Set up by that stupid Clyde Cash! He uses another Photoshop picture of his... and posts it on the billboard... [Chris pauses, looks panicked] and everyone on the internet knows I'm straight! And do not listen to anything that's on his YouTube account... whatsoever.

Anyway, I'm very— Anyway, I'm more angry at that Jack Thaddeus and those ads! Those ads are going DOWN!! They are going down, and I'm going to ban those homosexual ads! I only like pleasant—I only like pleasant ads because I have to cope with those... I have to c—do what I can to cope with those frickin' ads nowadays. I have to cover a whole section of my computer with a piece of paper... so I don't have to look at those goddamn things! And you have a life! And I'm work—and I'm working so much nowadays! [more stuttering] those Audiobooks from Vivian Gee. And by the way, she's working very hard to upgrade them to be of better quality not to mess up DVD burners and all that.

But anyway... errrgh... Jack Thaddeus, you're going down! I'm not even going to talk to you anymore, so [middle finger] you, Jack.

To everybody else, hope you have a Merry Christmas and wish you all a pleasant day.

See also

• Death threats