Imaginary family
- This article is about Chris's stupid imaginary daughter. For Chris's stupid imaginary twin sister, see Crystal Weston Chandler (sister).
| “ | As for where I see myself, I am uncertain career-wise, but I HAVE A DREAM! And that dream is to find the woman to make my Sweetheart from honest, true friendship, make her my wife, and from us, have a daughter named Crystal Weston Chandler. I've had a number of dreams where I take care of and tend to the needs of my baby, Crystal. And from all those dreams, I knew they were God's wishes for my future. | ” |
| Chris, presuming to know the wishes of GodBear[1] | ||
Around the age of 21, Chris had multiple dreams in which God and Jesus told him to find a sweetheart to build from the ground up to have his daughter Crystal, named "after the illustrious metal"[2], according to him. In a custom My Little Pony trading card, Chris depicts Crystal as a pony who traveled back in time to help her father - Chris - find a boyfriend-free girl. This is completely ripped off from Chibiusa's entire premise in Sailor Moon, and also Baby's premise from the Super Monkey Ball games, although whether Chris knows about ripping this off as well remains to be seen.
Early justifications for Chris's Love Quest stemmed from his desire to find a woman who would birth his child, but in recent events, Chris seems to be more honest in wanting a girlfriend so he can get laid or prove he's straight. When Julie expressed that she would like a child, possibly with Chris, Chris said that he "wasn't sure about having a child," but he would still like a threesome between Panda, Julie and him; this subject had been broached before, and Julie seemed uncomfortable with the idea.[3]
In a conversation with Chris's ex-gal-pal Kacey's dad, Chris revealed that he had the "prophetic" dream about Crystal when he was between the ages of seven and nine. He reiterates this later, saying he was "definitely in elementary school," when he dreamed about giving birth to a daughter (in the dream he had an office job, which also won't happen). "Give birth" slipped out, as in Chris would like to gestate a human female infant within his body (or perhaps in a box) and somehow deliver her into the world.
While it's most likely that Chris just fucked up while talking due to stress and autism, this could also be a Freudian slip suggesting that Chris has some gender identity issues, which typically begin in childhood.
Crystal was featured in Lego form in the PlayingHouse video. This time it was Jackie as the vessel for which Chris' gift from God was bestowed. Despite only being in preschool, she's advanced enough to keep a diary and look after her baby brother Reginald.
Name
Her name is identical to that of Chris's sister from the comics, leading to some confusion.
During the conversation with Kacey's father, Chris also implied that he may intend to spell her name Cristle:
- Matthew Devoria: You know, I don't think, Kacey actually doesn't really like that name. You know, it's kind of a stripper name, Cri-STAL, it's kinda like Cristal, that champagne...
- Chris: No, no, no, no, it would not, it would not, it would not be Cri-STAL, it would be Cri-STUL. Does that make sense?
- Matthew Devoria: It's still pretty close.
- Chris: It's fairly, it does sound close, but it's not, you're not, you're just replacing the C-R-I-S-T-L-E, you're replacing the L-E with an A-L.[4]
But it's most likely that Chris was just lying to Kacey's father and still would name his child Crystal. Or he just can't spell for shit.
It is unclear which spelling he was projecting for his future daughter (although he used "Crystal" in a Facebook message[5] and the infamous "Story of My Current Days"[6]). In the comics he spells his stupid fake sister's name "Crystal" consistently.