Hair
Soaked with grease and rapidly falling off, Chris's hair is one of the many indicators of his unhealthy lifestyle.
Already in atrocious physical condition for someone his age, Chris's baldness has made him look creepier and even more like a pedophile and/or fat, old lesbian. His refusal to regularly bathe, which leaves his hair greasy and unmanageable, and his occasional attempts at crafting a combover haven't helped matters.
A popular theory amongst trolls proposes that the baldness is a physical indicator of the stress Chris claims they put him through. More likely, though, Chris just drew an unlucky ticket in the genetic lottery. Photos of his half-brother Cole Smithey show that Cole lost his hair up front relatively early in life as well; he's a total baldo while only in his 40s.
Naturally, Chris being Chris, he thinks his hair looks just fine. During the first Kacey Phone Call, he enthusiastically (while pretending to be Liquid) praised said haircut:
| “ | Oh come on you know, ahh...I bet his mom probably cut his hair and uh, that's uh... I think it looks good on him actually! I like his haircut. If I, I mean you know uh, I would probably get my hair cut that way in the near future. | ” |
If you were at all surprised to learn that Chris doesn't bother to go to a decent barber, but instead lets his mom cut his hair...well, you're new here, aren't you?
When confronted in the Mailbag (17, 25 and 28) about his obviously thinning hair, Chris was, as per usual, completely in denial.
In videos taken of Chris at a Fridays After Five event, a bald spot is seen starting to appear on the back of his head.
In his cross-dressing photos, Chris has let his hair grow long in order to imitate a woman's hair. His hairline still appears to be receding, as he has no bangs or volume to his hair. It simply appears wiry and stringy.
Hair mail
Cassie, co-founder of Sonichu Girls, asked Chris for locks of his hairs so all the Sonichu Girls can have them as a souvenir.
Because Chris can't say no to a pretty lady (or a dude pretending to be one), he went to the trouble of cutting his hair, placing it into small baggies with a certificate of authenticity signed by the big C himself.
Due to the Mexican postal service (insert derogatory joke about Mexicans here), it took several months for the hair to reach Cassie. When it finally did, it was a shock.
Cassie described the hair as being "greasy" and having an odd odor. Evidently, Chris's hair is so filthy, the Mexican postal service, which regularly "unknowingly" ships countless pounds of cocaine, marijuana, and other illegal narcotics per year, had trouble dealing with this biohazard. Fortunately, this violation of United States Code: Title 16, Chapter 4, SubChapter IV, § 1203 (a)(4-7) did not cause any national or international incidents.
While Chris promised 200 locks of hair, only 23 packets were made. Chris included a letter to Cassie, in English and Chris's version of Spanish, with each side having a Sonichu drawing, where the Spanish side has Sonichu in a sombrero (you know, BECAUSE ALL MEXICANS WEAR OVERSIZED SOMBREROS).
Gallery of hair
Now future generations will be able to clone Chris so they can have their own manchild to troll.
The entire collection of hair, ready for distribution to loyal Sonichu Girls (read: trolls and especially homos from rival Gay 4 Sonichu)
Chris went to the trouble of making a certificate of authenticity for each lock packet. You know, to keep people from cutting their own hair and claiming it was his.
