14 Branchland Court
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14 Branchland Court is the domain of the Chandler clan. It is a white (now yellowed to ivory) two-story house trimmed in pink (faded from a dark red) with three bedrooms on the outskirts of Ruckersville, VA. The property is near the intersection of Branchland Court and Westwood Drive, facing northwest. The house itself reeks of the early 1980s, having tacky fake shutters and vinyl siding. The house probably hasn't been re-sided in years, its dark red trim fading to the pale red seen today, and it's white siding yellowing to an ivory-like color. As a result of its dated look, in addition to the decaying gardens and overgrown yard, it has done a number on local property values.
As of March 2009, all space not used for walking or sleeping appears to be packed full of junk. However, in earlier pictures (those of Chris's 20th birthday, for instance), the house was actually once quite tidy. In his video tour, Chris also keeps referring to the fact that "things got cluttered," suggesting that the house has grown fuller and fuller in the past decade. "Clutter" is, of course, a horribly inadequate understatement. The house is packed with shit; the former living room is unusable, with junk filling the entire space and reaching within two feet of the ceiling. The other rooms are similarly full of junk, but rather than solid blocks of shit, there are small crevices with chairs, TVs, and other furnishings.
The Tour
- Main article: Tour of Chris's House
In two videos uploaded on 27 March 2009, Chris provides a tour of his house and the property that it's on. Like his own room, Chris's entire house is a disaster area. Several rooms are so full of shit that Chris literally cannot enter them.
What follows is a brief description of the rooms and other areas of 14 Branchland Court.
First floor
In the north corner is what Christian describes as "the music room," which is now primarily the domain of Barbara Chandler, who frequently sleeps there. A small bathroom is directly in front of the stairs leading up to the front door. On the other end of a short hallway is the ulitity room, in which the family keeps a refrigerator in addition to the usual washer and dryer. The family room (possibly in the west corner) has been claimed by Bob Chandler, who apparently sleeps there as well. If Chris's parents ever had, or used, dedicated bedrooms in the house, they have yet to be filmed.
Second floor
Chris's room is in the northern corner of the second floor. Across the hallway, near the eastern corner, is a filthy bathroom, which apparently has not been cleaned in years, as implied by the dark brown or green mold growing in the shower and the peeling of the veneer on the cabinetry. The kitchen and dining area are apparently near the southern corner and southwestern wall. The computer Chris uses for Internet access seems to be in this part of the house, as well as a Christmas tree left up year-round. Tellingly, Chris has actually photographed himself with Officer Nasty and dildos in the kitchen, and has even mass debated over a webcam feed. This implies that Snorlax and Bob never actually leave the areas in which they sleep and spend their days, leaving Chris free to do whatever he wants. The living room, packed with boxes and shit, is across the stairway from Chris's room.
Yard
On first examination, you'd be forgiven for mistaking Chris's yard for Silent Hill, But the yard of the house consists of some simple crossed wood planters near the curb and some small shrubs and trees out front. The plants in the planters have long since died, probably due to a foul stench poisoning the air. The backyard contains a shed, and a small platform leading to a back entrance. The shed is full of shit, most notably a car, and was once the place where the Lumberjack would tinker with machines. After that, there are some trees and the pen where Patti once played. Her doghouse still stands, and she is buried nearby. At some point, a tree branch fell on the grave. Being the pansy-ass he is, Chris cannot muster the strength to pick the damn thing up. Some have speculated that this is divine intervention, in order to keep Patti's body safe from Chris and his fur-fag tendencies. However in earlier pictures (when Chris was less huge and he had yet to start the fuck quest) We can see that the yard used to be quite lush and beautiful, with a variety of flowers planted around the area, the grass clipped, and the trees were healthy. Many people speculate that over the years Chris's parents have gotten too ugly or too lazy to care for their garden leaving the area quite barren.
If you would like to send a letter to Christian, or perhaps mail his parents some of the many NOODZ he has posted on the internets in recent times, you can contact him at:
Christian Weston Chandler,
14 Branchland Court,
Ruckersville,
VA 22966-9545,
United States of America
NOTE: Based on previous experience with mail, it is likely that one of two things will happen to the letter should you choose to send it: 1) It will be intercepted by Chris, who apparently takes his parents' mail on a regular basis, or 2) Barbara and Bob will receive it, and dismiss it as old news (reports show that they have read some of the letters and ignored them).
Chris will however respond to fan mail provided there's a return address on the envelope.
PROTIP
Sending Anthrax or some other kind of terrorist device won't do shit, due to thousands of years of the Chandler clan living in their own filth, they have gained immunity to all kinds of bacteria (except for STD's), however you CAN send boxes of crapped briefs or unborn fetuses to their house via Fedex (make sure to disguise items as common items), eventually they will become tired of their lifetime supply of crapped briefs and throw Chris out on the street, where IRL trolls will devour him with a side of pickles.
See also
External links
Other famous hoarders...
- The Collyer Brothers (Infamous NY hoarders who ended up being crushed to death by their own shit)
- Edmund Trebus (Eccentric Polish immigrant who ended up being a TV star because of his hoarding)